Friday, July 30, 2021
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MOVERS & SHAKERS

Rich Covidiot Superspreaders

As the ‘silly season’ begins, the überwealthy are getting out-of-hand in terms of behaving ridiculously; rich covidiots must learn to behave.

MeGain’s Media Muckup

The Duchess of Sussex has well and truly failed in her attempt to manipulate both the media and the public; Prince Charles must now intervene.

Finding Attention (MeGain Style)

Most commentators have missed the point about the Duchess of Sussex suggests Matthew Steeples; she has a single thing on her agenda and that is getting attention The former Miss Markle turned now former senior...

Fergie Does Porridge

As the Duchess of York makes a fool of herself retching over a bowl of porridge in a blonde wig, one has to question why nobody reins this imbecile in; Fergie should ideally learn the art of silence.

Wally of the Week – Dame Vivienne Westwood

Fruitcake Dame Vivienne Westwood behaves as normal during a BBC News interview and declares the media “morons.”

Taking Down Randy Andy

As Richard Kay declares that “Prince Andrew’s fall is now complete and Virginia Giuffre demands he be “taken down,” it is time the randy non-sweater answered the FBI’s questions.

The Cat That Lost The Maxwell Cream

The story of what happened to Ghislaine Maxwell’s cat after her arrest is too ludicrous for words.

A Life in a Sentence

Matthew Steeples finds amusement in Twitter handles; a life in a sentence can be found on some of the best profiles.

Will Ghislaine Maxwell Motor On?

As a poll reveals the public believe Ghislaine Maxwell will ‘suicide herself’ in a similar manner to her former master Jeffrey Epstein, the Cash & Rocket ‘charity’ unbelievably announce they are going ahead with another rally in 2021.

Remembering Jeffrey Epstein Albuquerque Style

Statue of late billionaire sex beast Jeffrey Epstein mysteriously appears outside City Hall in Albuquerque, New Mexico (and is promptly removed by officials).

Observing Ambridge

Whilst one ‘Observer’ reader suggests Alan Bennett writes the monologues that have replaced normal episodes of ‘The Archers,’ another demands a return to standard broadcasts about Ambridge life.

Moron of the Moment – Lady Victoria Hervey

Just as ultimate dumbo Lady Victoria Hervey shows herself up in stating: “Fuck Black Lives Matter,” fellow aristocrat Dr. Bendor Grosvenor calls for the return of objects “looted during the British Empire.”

Clickbait Crazy

White woman Kris Schatzel caught posing with a ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign in a “slutty” outfit is exposed as a clickbait crazy ‘Protest Barbie.’

Moron of the Moment – Dan Wootton

Dominic Cummings mouthpiece Dan Wootton yet again shows himself to be a bit of a berk in attacking both ‘Tatler’ and Sir Keir Starmer in one hit in his column in ‘The Sun.’

Wally of the Week – Stephanie Pratt

Shoplifter Stephanie Pratt fulfils her prattish surname in urging urges cops to shoot shoplifters.

A Really Useful Angelis

Matthew Steeples remembers the Liverpudlian actor and voice of ‘Thomas & Friends’ Michael Angelis (18th January 1952 – 30th May 2020).

Mixed Up McGee

Dippy Debbie McGee yet again confirms her status as the ultimate airhead in boasting about her connections to ‘Randy Andy’ and is met with a denial from a royal source.

Moron of the Moment – Olivia Utley

Rent-a-gob stand-in for Rod Liddle at ‘The Sun’ Olivia Utley shows herself to be nothing but a big-mouthed berk in brainlessly banging on about Brexit; she should eff off! “Chuffed to be filling in for...

Heroine of the Hour – Lorraine Kelly

In suggesting obese people slim to avoid death by coronavirus Lorraine Kelly is spot on; she’s also right about Harry and MeGain The ‘Queen of Gorbals Gobbledygook’ that is Lorraine Kelly OBE has struck again....

Wally of the Week – Vanessa Branson

At a time when her billionaire brother Sir Richard is deservedly taking a pounding for trying to rape the state, multi-millionairess Vanessa Branson could have perhaps postponed the launch of her self-indulgent autobiography It’s not...

It’s Just Awful Being Alexa

Self-absorbed Alexa Chung isn’t worrying about people dying from coronavirus; she’s too busy moaning about people not focusing on the real her “The human” Alexa Chung can be relied upon to make utterly everything about...

Where’s Ghislaine?

As Prince Andrew faces the possibility of being sued by victims of Jeffrey Epstein, we again join those asking: “Where’s Ghislaine Maxwell?” Suggestions that she’s on a submarine do seem a bit far-fetched, but...

Not Such Divine Intervention

Empty Gothic church in Kelso, Scotland for sale for just £130,000; it was home until 2006 to the conspiracy theorist Dean Warwick – who collapsed and died on stage at a UFO conference in...

A Major Cough-up

ITV’s ‘Quiz’ has definitely left the public questioning the conviction of the ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ £1 million cheat Major Charles Ingram in 2003, but what the programme did not reveal is...

Overheard – 10th April 2020

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’ – including a return of the best interviewee of the 2019 General election, Pat “I object to everything” Mountain Back to Basics “In two months,...

Wally of the Week – Sir Cliff Richard

Creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard demands his music should be given “priority” play ahead of younger artists; he must be the centre of attention, as always, even during the coronavirus lockdown He’s previously claimed...

Down With Dumb Diane

After retreating to the backbenches, can life get better for the thickest politician in history, Diane Abbott? She’s got the sentencing of her criminal son to look forward to for starters… And a few...

Sheen Shines

The ‘Guardian’s’ Rebecca Nicholson’s fascinating interview with the actor Michael Sheen is exactly the kind of reading needed during coronavirus lockdown; he reveals previously unknown details about bizarre encounters with Tony Blair, Rupert Murdoch...

Put A Stamp In It

Bath pensioner gets very, very, very worked up about the quality of stamps available in a Post Office in a WHSmith store Right now, whilst most people are either worrying about the health of their...

Moron of the Moment – Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan sinks to a new low during the coronavirus crisis and attempts to relaunch her tawdry self on April Fool’s Day; the washed-up wench claims to be “evolving” Loathsome leech Lindsay Lohan once curiously...

Guardian Gets Giddy

Coronavirus has plainly sent the ‘Guardian’s’ editorial team giddy; they’re now urging their readers to call sex chatlines One has traditionally associated the Guardian with Michael Foot, open-toed sandal wearers and quinoa quiche munchers. More...

Wally of the Week – Sarah, Duchess of York

Sarah, Duchess of York sticks her oar in over coronavirus, but makes no mention of the benefit the outbreak has given her husband in relation to the Jeffrey Epstein ‘problem’ On Monday, the child-like ex-wife...

Inapproriate Anth’

Anthea Turner makes an inappropriate joke about coronavirus in referencing her knicker flashing chum Lizzie Cundy as ‘Cundyvirus’ Anthea Turner can be relied upon to swing into action and make stupid statements, but, as the...

Clothing Famous Kids

Lucy Smith shares her thoughts about the trends in the clothing choices of the children of royalty and the rich and famous The attire of children of royalty and those of the rich and famous...

Overheard – 15th March 2020

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’ Laughable Drinks “I’ll have a Seedlip and tonic” announced a millennial at a bar in Chelsea. Their friend then curiously added: “I’ll have a...

Roasting Randy Andy

Caitlin Moran sums up the Duke of York perfectly in mocking the deviant royal’s creepiness There’s awkward and then there’s Prince Andrew and then there’s awful and there’s Prince Andrew.   On Friday, witty journalist Caitlin Moran...

Schofield Axed

Fresh from ‘outing’ himself Phillip Schofield finds his new television series ‘How To Spend It Well’ axed After outing himself and facing allegations of an affair with a young man named Matt McGreevy now faces...

Stick A Sock On

Matthew Steeples criticises ‘The Telegraph’ for suggesting men can wear loafers without socks According to this morning’s Telegraph, “2020 is the year of the loafer, apparently.”   The paper’s Adrian Clark, this development has been “ to...

Moron of the Moment – Christabel Milbanke

Annoying pest Christabel Milbanke is confirmed as a fruitcake and someone best avoided Christabel Milbanke claims to be able to “amplify your brand” – whatever that gibberish means – on Twitter. On Instagram, she’s even...

A Pickled Apology

That Michael Barrymore is willing to apologise to Sir Richard Branson but not the family of the late Stuart Lubbock is telling In November 2012, Sir Richard Branson tweeted: “OK. Who’s got a tattoo they...

Boobed by Judy

Bra flasher Judy Finnigan labelled “sexist” by her very own husband during a discussion about naked women in saunas Potbellied pisshead Judy Finnigan returned to daytime telly yesterday.   In a slot on This Morning – the...

Justice by Email

Since she cannot be physically found, alleged madam and daughter of ‘Bouncing Bob’ Ghislaine Maxwell has now been served by email As lawyers for Annie Farmer, a woman who accuses Jeffrey Epstein of sexual assault,...

The Phil & Matt Show

Phillip Schofield filmed smoking shisha with his alleged ex-lover Matt McGreevy (and pictured in bed thereafter); another image shows the pair together in photograph taken at a school Phillip Schofield has most certainly manipulated most...

SchofieldLite

‘Politicalite’ suggest Phillip Schofield orchestrated his ‘mass coming out’ after a former ‘This Morning’ runner had gone to the press about a supposed relationship whilst he was a teenager Phillip Schofield has truly milked his...

Andy’s Antics Analysed

Jeremy Clarkson rightly suggests that Prince Andrew should do two things: Shut up and bugger off Just as alleged abuse victim Virginia Roberts suggested Prince Andrew should hear “the sound of shackles tied round his...

EXCLUSIVE – Oh Randy, Oh Randy Andy

‘The Times’ allows a most curious notice to appear on its ‘Register’ page; Could it have been cryptically penned by Ghislaine Maxwell to Prince Andrew? The ‘Register’ page of The Times is a place where...

Angry Anth’

Flake botherer Anthea Turner swings into action to resolve a row with her magic mushroom loving fiancé at Heathrow Airport Life isn’t always a bed of roses for ‘Princess Tippy Toes’ (AKA ‘F**k I Used...

The Megaphone Maniac

Lunatic from London caught shouting “stop reproducing!” through a megaphone in Oxford; Danny Shine previously got prosecuted for shouting about masturbation Self-declared “very naughty boy” (though he’s well north of fifty in terms of his...