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MOVERS & SHAKERS

Overheard – 15th March 2020

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’ Laughable Drinks “I’ll have a Seedlip and tonic” announced a millennial at a bar in Chelsea. Their friend then curiously added: “I’ll have a...

Roasting Randy Andy

Caitlin Moran sums up the Duke of York perfectly in mocking the deviant royal’s creepiness There’s awkward and then there’s Prince Andrew and then there’s awful and there’s Prince Andrew.   On Friday, witty journalist Caitlin Moran...

Schofield Axed

Fresh from ‘outing’ himself Phillip Schofield finds his new television series ‘How To Spend It Well’ axed After outing himself and facing allegations of an affair with a young man named Matt McGreevy now faces...

Stick A Sock On

Matthew Steeples criticises ‘The Telegraph’ for suggesting men can wear loafers without socks According to this morning’s Telegraph, “2020 is the year of the loafer, apparently.”   The paper’s Adrian Clark, this development has been “ to...

Moron of the Moment – Christabel Milbanke

Annoying pest Christabel Milbanke is confirmed as a fruitcake and someone best avoided Christabel Milbanke claims to be able to “amplify your brand” – whatever that gibberish means – on Twitter. On Instagram, she’s even...

A Pickled Apology

That Michael Barrymore is willing to apologise to Sir Richard Branson but not the family of the late Stuart Lubbock is telling In November 2012, Sir Richard Branson tweeted: “OK. Who’s got a tattoo they...

Boobed by Judy

Bra flasher Judy Finnigan labelled “sexist” by her very own husband during a discussion about naked women in saunas Potbellied pisshead Judy Finnigan returned to daytime telly yesterday.   In a slot on This Morning – the...

Justice by Email

Since she cannot be physically found, alleged madam and daughter of ‘Bouncing Bob’ Ghislaine Maxwell has now been served by email As lawyers for Annie Farmer, a woman who accuses Jeffrey Epstein of sexual assault,...

The Phil & Matt Show

Phillip Schofield filmed smoking shisha with his alleged ex-lover Matt McGreevy (and pictured in bed thereafter); another image shows the pair together in photograph taken at a school Phillip Schofield has most certainly manipulated most...

SchofieldLite

‘Politicalite’ suggest Phillip Schofield orchestrated his ‘mass coming out’ after a former ‘This Morning’ runner had gone to the press about a supposed relationship whilst he was a teenager Phillip Schofield has truly milked his...

Andy’s Antics Analysed

Jeremy Clarkson rightly suggests that Prince Andrew should do two things: Shut up and bugger off Just as alleged abuse victim Virginia Roberts suggested Prince Andrew should hear “the sound of shackles tied round his...

EXCLUSIVE – Oh Randy, Oh Randy Andy

‘The Times’ allows a most curious notice to appear on its ‘Register’ page; Could it have been cryptically penned by Ghislaine Maxwell to Prince Andrew? The ‘Register’ page of The Times is a place where...

Angry Anth’

Flake botherer Anthea Turner swings into action to resolve a row with her magic mushroom loving fiancé at Heathrow Airport Life isn’t always a bed of roses for ‘Princess Tippy Toes’ (AKA ‘F**k I Used...

The Megaphone Maniac

Lunatic from London caught shouting “stop reproducing!” through a megaphone in Oxford; Danny Shine previously got prosecuted for shouting about masturbation Self-declared “very naughty boy” (though he’s well north of fifty in terms of his...

Hero of the Hour – Laurence Fox

Actor Laurence Fox has most unjustifiably been condemned for calling out the ‘MegExit’ saga as “boring” and nothing to do with racism Laurence Fox rightly dared to suggest that the whole ‘MegExit’ saga has nothing...

The Parson with Nine Pussies

Matthew Steeples takes a look at the life of a vicar who gave services with his nine cats in tow, the Reverend Robert Hawker Witchcraft, religion and women with cats have long been associated. Be...

The Wit of Woolf

‘The Steeple Times’ remembers the late, great Woolf Gander A businessman who travelled widely across across the globe, Woolf Gander was born in 1937 in London Hospital and sadly died just before Christmas. A father of...

Hero of the Hour – Giles Coren

Giles Coren is to be saluted for refusing to put up with harassment from the supporters of the left-wing scumbag Owen Jones Giles Coren predicted that the insufferable idiot Owen Jones might get a peerage...

Heroes & Villains – The Best & The Worst People of 2019

‘The Steeple Times’ chooses the 25 best and 25 worst people of the last year and the 25 who’ll be missed and the 25 who won’t Happy New Year to all our readers. Our ‘Heroes...

Christmas Card of the Year

Sir Benjamin Slade excels himself with an amusing Christmas card celebrating himself (maybe) finally finding an other half Sir Benjamin Slade, Bt. can always be relied upon to amuse.   Whether he’s on ITV1’s This Morning...

Moaning Moron Michael

Delusional deranged ‘entertainer’ Michael Barrymore yet again shamefully cracks an inappropriate joke about death Sadly, Michael Barrymore is alive, but it seems he’s not so well.   Unlike poor Stuart Lubbock, who was found dead in very...

It is NOT “It is what is it is’

The use of the ghastly phrase “it is what it is” has rightly been condemned On Tuesday, The Guardian published a fascinating three page analysis of the last decade by Andy Beckett.   Aside from analysing such...

The Duchess is a Dork

That the Duchess of York claims the Jeffrey Epstein scandal to be “nonsense” sums up how much of an out of touch fruitcake she truly is As it is suggested that the alleged madam Ghislaine...

Wally of the Week – Nathan Thursfield

Healthcare worker who wants “the Katie price look” Nathan Thursfield is proven to be nothing but an utter nutter A regular on the especially tawdry chat show Loose Women, 25-year-old Nathan Thursfield has got himself...

The Cheque Doesn’t Lie

The release of a photograph of a cheque from Prince Andrew to Monique Giannelloni provides further evidence of his sordid ways Prince Andrew should have realised that “cash don’t talk,” but providing further evidence of...

Lookout! It’s Lizzie…

Prince Andrew must be toast; when knicker flasher Lizzie Cundy leaps to your defence, you know your days must be numbered A publicity obsessive turned “jilted friend” of the former Meghan Markle has struck again....

Hero of the Hour – Lorraine Kelly

Matthew Steeples lauds “mad as hell” Lorraine Kelly in spite of her speaking in “Gorbals gobbledygook”; here is a woman who has morphed into a tigress and a “gritty heroine of our times” With her...

Poor Beatrice

In the downfall of The Duke of York, the nation seems to have forgotten Princess Beatrice’s impending state-funded marriage When Princess Eugenie got married, ‘The Club’ turned out enthusiastically. There was Elton ‘Olive Oil’ John...

Where’s Mucky Maxwell?

‘The Steeple Times’ reveals news about the alleged madam Ghislaine Maxwell that is yet to reach the British press; this mucky woman wants “fairness” Whilst “grand” old Prince Andrew’s been busy reporting on how he...

Guttered Anthea

Anthea Turner’s “berserk” convicted offender fiancé spotted “trawling roads” doing community service after biting a policeman This morning, The Sun shared photographs of ‘Princess Tippy Toes’ Anthea Turner’s fiancé, “socialite” Mark Armstrong, “dawdling” and picking...

Moron of the Moment – Vanessa Feltz

Tyre tractor like Vanessa Feltz yet again proves herself to be one of the most irritating people in Britain Voted one of the worst people in Britain in 2003 by Channel 4, Vanessa Feltz was...

BoJo’s Body Double

American lookalike of Boris Johnson emerges; it turns out he’s very rich and the beau of the socialite Denise Rich As Boris Johnson faces further allegations that “he knew about Vote Leave’s illegal overspend” and...

Bonkers Bedfellows

If Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is dating the car crash that is Lindsay Lohan, he must be bonkers; the truth is more likely that this washed-up slapper is pulling yet another publicity stunt News...

Do One Dawn

“Napkin slapper” Dawn Ward again proves herself to be a common degenerate in using the phrase “do one” Telling some to “remove oneself” by instead saying “do one” is quite frankly just awful. It is...

Carrie’s Curious Contacts

The Steeple Times reveals some of the curious people Boris Johnson’s squeeze Carrie Symonds previously associated with – a past that includes online manhood sharers and fake news creators As Boris Johnson’s girlfriend attempts to...

Crackpot Cliff Cutout

Cliff Richard shares his bizarre views about Brexit, losing friends, speaking to himself and liking being addressed by his title just as a cardboard cutout of him is nicked (thus causing “airport chaos”) Last week,...

Lowbrow Lizzie

Rugby star Danny Cipriani to sue ageing desperado WAG Lizzie Cundy’s publishers over her tawdry claims about bedding him There’s lowbrow and then there’s the country’s leading knicker flasher, Lizzie Cundy.   With news that Soho Friday...

A Trump Hole

In sharing images of herself digging a hole at the White House yesterday, Melania Trump gave rise to theories about what she was really upto Melania Trump isn’t known for her intellect, but in sharing...

Eating for Elephants

Matthew Steeples hosts a dinner to raise funds for the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s elephant conservation work at Granger & Co. Chelsea On 30th September, The Steeple Times’ Matthew Steeples and the International Fund...

Monster of the Moment – Unsexy Vegan

Californian freak who wants to be president and changed his name to ‘Sexy Vegan’ exposed as a dog rapist Hansel Marion DeBartolo III, a vile being who legally changed his name to ‘Sexy Vegan’ and...

Anth’ Swings Into Action

Will Anthea Turner’s chum Lizzie Cundy be joining her to swing into action with a Cadbury’s Flake at her forthcoming nuptials? Anthea Turner likes a chocolate bar. She particularly likes Cadbury’s Flakes and at...

Mopping Up

One of the world’s highest paid actresses ludicrously asks for an electric mop on her wedding registry; this mucky madam plainly wants a role on “How Clean Is Your House?” Self-declared “actress and philanthropist” Jennifer...

Quotes of the Week – 21st September 2019

A selection of amusing and odd remarks from the media classes including ones from Benjamin Butterworth, Lady Colin Campbell, Gemma Collins, John Crace, Darren Grimes and  Lindsay Lohan Benjamin Butterworth The journalist took to Twitter to...

Effing Hunniford

‘Inglorious’ Gloria Hunniford yet again proves herself to be anything but the ‘national treasure’ she so often claims to be There is something most unpleasant about Gloria Hunniford. Aside from her obsession with constantly leaping...

It’s NOT Hilarious

As Michael Barrymore is branded “hilarious” and a “novelty” as he makes his TV comeback, we suggest there is no “comic impact” about this at all; what is required instead is justice for the...

Me, Me, Me

Self-obsessed ‘MeGain’ refers to herself an astonishing 38 times during a speech to launch her overpriced fashion line The Duchess of Sussex is about one thing and that is herself. This former actress continues to...

Loudmouth Lizzie

Desperado Lizzie Cundy yet again proves she’ll do anything to get herself on the telly in calling the Duchess of Sussex “manipulative” Media whore Lizzie Cundy, like her tediously trivial ‘bestie’ Anthea Turner, will do...

Meg’s Murky Mess

Matthew Steeples suggests Thomas Markle is right to call out his daughter’s antics for what they are: Ridiculous ‘MeGain’ (AKA The Duchess of Sussex) is allegedly jetting off to shores distant. Whilst many will be...