Saturday, February 24, 2024
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TIPPLE & FARE

Please, God No… ‘The Tig’ To Be Revived By ‘HighGella Lawson’ Wannabe Meghan Markle

As the Duchess of Sussex gets busy with ‘lemon olive oil cake’ for a new cookery book and revives ‘The Tig’ also, one is left wondering if she’ll collaborate with Elizabeth Arden and promote ‘todger cream’ as well.

A McCrispy Funeral – McDonald’s Mocked For Placing “Darkly Comical” Advert Next To Crematorium

As McDonald’s attracts mockery for placing a “darkly comical” advert for their McCrispy sandwich next to a crematorium sign in Cornwall, we discover a journalist enthusiast for the processed chicken product who even wears McDonald’s branded leisurewear.

James Martin Motors Into Gin – TV Chef’s 44% Silky Smooth Spirit

Matthew Steeples samples petrolhead and television chef James Martin’s London Dry Gin and finds tradition with a twist dominates in his punchy 44% ABV tipple.

Ghislaine’s Grotty Grub – Christmas 2022 For Ghislaine Maxwell v Christmas 2022 for Scott Borgerson

As noxious nonce Ghislaine Maxwell rots in jail living on grotty grub and unable to afford an appeal, her husband Scott Borgerson is spotted living it up with his sexually saucy sidekick courtesy of the £15 million the mucky madam transferred to him.

Moron of the Moment 2022 – Grim Grifter Jack Monroe

The elevation of busybody-bore and all-round grim grifter Jack Monroe by ‘The Grocer’ represents a pinnacle in pointlessness claims Matthew Steeples; Keith Floyd this lentil loving loon certainly ain’t.

Heroes of the Hour – Free Christmas Lunch With Wine For All Lonely Singles At The Alexandra Wimbledon, 25th December 2022

As the cost of living crisis deepens, the kindness of The Alexandra Wimbledon is to be saluted; they are offering free Christmas lunches with wine on 25th December for all lonely single people.

The Cliffmas Gravy Train 2022

How can the pugnacious pensioner Sir Cliff Richard be spending Christmas Day making gravy ‘live’ in London with queue jumpers Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield when he also claims to be spending it in Fort Lauderdale, Florida also?

Brilliantly Bonkers Bone Idyll Gin – Old Masters With A Modern Twist

Matthew Steeples samples Bone Idyll gin and finds the concept of this “community funded” south-west London distillery brilliantly bonkers; here are “period fantasy” gins made with passion and panache.

Terrific Terlingham – Superb Gin Made With Bacchus Wine On Kentish Vineyard

Matthew Steeples samples Terlingham Vineyard’s Bacchus Dry Gin; it’s made with the last of this Kentish winery’s 2020 Bacchus wine yet still is clearly a classic, dry gin.

Give Thanks Ghislaine – Mucky Madam Maxwell Gets Tofurky® Dinner For Thanksgiving 2022

Noxious nonce Ghislaine Maxwell will no doubt give thanks that she’s getting Tofurky® this Thanksgiving; the notoriously fussy eater will likely love this vegan nosh-up.

Word of the Week 2022 – ‘Quafftide’ – A Drinker’s Delight

A 16th century word – ‘quafftide’ – announcing that “it’s time for a drink” is something that should be added to the vocabulary of every single household in the land.

Hero of the Hour 2022 – Crusading £1 Per Head Chef Miguel Barclay

In actually showing the British public how to actually cook a meal costing no more than £1 per head, TV chef Miguel Barclay contributes something useful whereas the likes of food bank fighters Lee Anderson MP and Jack Monroe continue just to carp.

Wally of the Week 2022 – Bombastic Bully & Bore Jack Monroe

In patronising the poor, bombastic bully and bore Jack Monroe yet again shows her truly nasty colours; here is a pontificating pillock who helps utterly nobody (apart from her not-so-sorry self).

Wonderful Wise Waitrose – Supermarket Sensibly Scraps Best-Before Dates On 500 Fresh Products

In scrapping best-before dates on 500 fresh products, Waitrose has seen sense and will help reduce food waste; they should be saluted, but what will ‘went-off-at-birth’ Waitrose-hater Owen Jones have to say?

Monroe v Anderson 2022 – Mouthy Menace v Mouthy Menace

As mouthy menace Jack Monroe threatens to sue mouthy menace Lee Anderson MP, Matthew Steeples suggests the only winner will be the laughing-all-the-way-to-the-bank lawyers; why don’t these tiresome attention seekers forget Monroe v Anderson and have a 30p cook-off hosted by Jamie Oliver instead?

The Restaurateur’s Restaurateur – Jeremy King Will Rise Again

As Minor International force restaurateurs Chris Corbin and Jeremy King out, loyal diners unsurprisingly back the dynamic duo and slam the tenacious Thais for their takeover.

The Fortune of Flapjackery

New contributor Anthony Smart delights in flapjacks created by two retired Devon ladies; they’ve turned Flapjackery into a £1 million business that has even attracted the attention of Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla Duchess of Cornwall.

Business As Usual For Corbin & King

Corbin & King co-founder and restaurateur par excellence Jeremy King declares “business as usual” and boldly vows to buy his company back out of administration.

Picture of the Week 2022 – BYOB Veganuary at Wetherspoons

As horrendously nutty ex-MEP Roger Helmer bangs on about having a burger at Wetherspoons, an image of PM Boris Johnson and the chain’s boss Tim Martin at a BYOB at 10 Downing Street trends on Twitter; we also remind readers of Helmer’s past antics.

Finickity Facebook Goes to War on Rustic Restaurateur

Finickity ‘Angry People in Local Newspapers’ Facebook group members get it completely wrong in attacking a restaurateur fined for putting up a poster advertising work at his Italian in Bristol.

Easter in January at Waitrose

Waitrose started promoting Easter merchandise on the 2nd January; Easter Sunday is not until 17th April and naturally ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’ mentality kicked in on social media.

Ghislaine’s Grub

As Ghislaine Maxwell turns 60 today and remains in the clink, she gets ‘treated’ to a Christmas Day meal consisting of grub options that include meatloaf and a pack of peanuts.

Cooking With Ghislaine

Ghislaine Maxwell’s supporters seek to share “family cooking recipes” just as her lawyers compare her incarceration to scenes from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ … Liver with fava beans and Chianti anyone?