Friday, January 22, 2021
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TIPPLE & FARE

Dining With The Dopey Dorks

Prince Andrew and his daughter’s dining habits – and the tall tales about did-he-or-didn’t-he go to Pizza Express (Woking branch) – get this dopey dork-like pair into hot water yet again.

The (Loss) of Ludicrous Lord’s

EXCLUSIVE – Matthew Steeples reports on coronavirus and the lack of Arabic arrivals killing off Knightsbridge’s most expensive ‘convenience’ store, Lord’s Food & Wine of Brompton Road, SW3.

Pintless, Pointless & Pathetic

The government’s decision to ban people from further drinking after they’ve finished a “substantial meal” is pointless and pathetic.

Moron of the Moment – Gordon Ramsay

That Gordon Ramsay thinks it acceptable to start selling burgers at £80 a pop at a time of economic meltdown confirms him as a cretin.

The Best Gastrowagon By Far

Land Rover converted into a ‘gastrowagon’ for television chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s first television series heads to auction.

A Pintless Policy

Matthew Steeples slams ‘Bosie The Clown’s’ pub destroying lockdown; 7 out of 10 pubs are likely to close as a result and the nation will be left pintless.

Reader Offer – Gilpin’s Gin

‘The Steeple Times’ offers readers an extra special discount on the extra dry, extra sophisticated Gilpin’s Gin during Lockdown 2.0.

Fergie’s Banger Clanger

As the anniversary of Prince Andrew’s car crash interview approaches, Sarah Ferguson pulls another clanger and bangs on about sausages in a feature for ‘The Sun.’

Word of the Week – Coronacoaster

As we face the next lockup-lockdown, a new word that will come to greater prominence is “coronacoaster” – ride it at your peril and instead try out our gin suggestions.

Bog Off Bungling Boris

Matthew Steeples suggests now is time for bungling Boris Johnson to quit; he is not in control and he has no coordinated plan for Brexit or coronavirus.

Starve a Kid to Save a Quid

‘Starve a Kid to Save a Quid’ goes viral in the wake of the government’s disastrous attempt to starve poor school kids whilst Tory MPs deservedly get banned from shops and restaurants.

No. 4 - Anth’ Swings Back to Flakegate

Anthea Turner swings into an interview with ‘The Sun’ and shares that she had therapy over her tacky ‘Flakegate’ wedding photos.

Stand Up Against Snitch O’Flock

Matthew Steeples condemns the government’s ludicrous new 10pm bar, pub and restaurant curfew and slams the snitch culture of the next likely lockdown.

Phillip Schofield – What a Plonker!

All-round plonker Phillip Schofield’s wine range condemned as “only fit for the bin” and “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena;” it looks like his “sh*tty offering” might go the same way as that sold by Sir Cliff Richard.

Magnificent Madeleine

Matthew Steeples suggests the utterly charming Chez Madeleine as the best place for seafood in Saint Tropez, France.

Bow Wine Vaults Back

Acclaimed restaurateur Philip Lawless to reopen Square Mile institution and haunt of city financiers the Bow Wine Vaults on Monday.

Hapless Hancock gets a Right Royal Brenda-ering

Restaurant critic Tom Parker-Bowles does a ‘Brenda from Bristol’ in suggesting Health Secretary Matt Hancock’s telly box appearances “drive him mad” whilst chatting to William Sitwell on his Instagram TV show ‘Biting Talk’

Ask Charlie – Rhubarb & Ginger Gin

Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her recipe for Rhubarb & Ginger Gin; here is a recipe that everyone will enjoy making.

Gone Fishers Gin-ing!

Matthew Steeples visits Aldeburgh in Suffolk to learn the story of a business finding success in lockdown – he discovers Fishers Gin.

Beer is Very Good For You

Dutch scientist Professor Eric Claassen confirms a beer a day “would be very good for you” and suggests drinking such protects against insomnia, dementia and obesity.

A Magnum Muckup

Unilever ludicrously forced to “urgently” recall Magnum ice cream because it contains MILK. Health and safety busybodies at their finest.

Hero of the Hour – Adrian Chiles

BBC presenter Adrian Chiles’s delight in the simple pleasures of a pint in a park during lockdown reflects how so many feel.

More Matters Marmalade – Part V

More Matters Marmalade – Part V – Guardian readers on marmalade – Letter penning ‘Guardian’ readers return to their favourite subject – marmalade. This time marmalade and tights.

Hero of the Hour – Liam Gallagher

Rocker Liam Gallagher speaks the most sense on how to survive the coronavirus lockdown in thanking alcohol Rock stars aren’t meant to drink kale juice...

Pandemic Pun

Prolific party pest David Pun spotted wandering in Waterloo having a coronavirus canapé crisis Spare a thought for David Pun, a deviant, degenerate door list...

Lockdown The Gin

With neighbours putting gin and tonics on each other’s doorsteps during the COVID-19 lockdown, we select the most amusing quotes about this fine spirit In...

Ask Charlie – Lockdown Afternoon Tea

Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her thoughts how to perfect a lockdown afternoon tea and her recipe for lavender scones During these extraordinary times,...

The Ever So Dry Land of No Milk & No Honey

Jonathan Downey, owner of London’s Milk & Honey bar, takes to social media to share news he won’t be reopening without a rent holiday;...

Boozed-Up Barrymore Boobs

As out of his skull Michael Barrymore yet again makes an utter prat of himself on Instagram, we remind him to stop “destroying” games...

Not Such A Lucky Strike

Coronavirus has proved a double blow to restaurateur Keith McNally: First he got the virus himself and now his original restaurant has closed permanently...

Churchillian Boisdale

Boisdale prepares for celebration of ‘Victory Over CV19’ with the launch of fourteen ‘war bonds’ to be redeemed when gastronomes can again gather   With...

Positivity From Pleurat

Refugee turned “one-man vodka band” Pleurat Shabani shares a message of positivity (and a reminder that we’ll all be having a martini or three...

Simplifying Sunday Lunch (in Chelsea)

Chelsea favourite No. Fifty Cheyne is now offering its Sunday lunch menu “in the comfort of your own home… with only very little further...

Preserved by Marmalade

Nonagenarian from Stockport beats coronavirus by eating marmalade sandwiches; she’s previously survived a bomb and likes biscuits also Like Guardian readers, we at The Steeple...

More Matters Marmalade – Part IV

As some ‘Guardian’ readers attempt to move on from marmalade, others demand the “marmalade saga” is allowed to continue on the letters pages Readers of...

Riccardo’s Responds

Riccardo’s restaurant in Chelsea leads the way in showing community mindedness during the coronavirus outbreak Across the land small businesses are doing their bit for...

Hero of the Hour – Anonymous Fish & Chip Donor

Good Samaritan paying for villagers of Denchworth, Oxfordshire to have fish and chips once per week during the coronavirus lockdown deserves to be saluted For...

More Matters Marmalade – Part III

‘Guardian’ readers continue their debate about marmalade (and reference how they’re interacting with it during coronavirus) In Tuesday’s letter pages in the Guardian, one Catriona...

Picture of the Week – A Fish Finger F**k Up

As coronavirus panic buying hits supermarkets, Tesco show they’ve lost the plot when it comes to pricing Birds Eye fish fingers Tesco operates by the...

Considering Corned Beef

Angry man sends bizarre letter to local newspaper to complain about the design of corned beef tins There are people with too much time on...

More Matters of Marmalade – Part II

‘Guardian’ readers continue their debate about marmalade (and get rather het up about the variety made with grapefruit) We thought they’d finished with this particular...

Who Sells Roger Rabbit?

In spite of being popular with the media classes as a meat of choice, Matthew Steeples asks: ‘Why don’t supermarkets sell rabbit?’ Last week in...

With Friends Like These…

That Prince Andrew decided to share his birthday with the diminutive skinflint Bernie Ecclestone shows the new low he has reached ‘Randy Andy’ has never...

McGee Magic

“The Lovely Debbie McGee” hits a new low in appearing in adverts for a crappy kitchen makeover company (with captions across her cleavage) The late...

Damp Chips

Moaning granny complains to local newspaper about being treated like “trailer trash” after being “forced” to eat chips in the rain Joanne Leaman – a...

The Kratom Craze

An examination of the facts about kratom – a herb you’ve likely never heard of Mitragyna Speciosa (commonly known as kratom) is a mind-altering drug...

A Peeved Pensioner

Angry granny Mary Ingamells contacts press to complain about finding a piece of wood in a tin of Tesco carrots and peas; she can...

Ask Charlie – How to perfect a Sunday roast

New columnist Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her tips as to how to cook a perfect Sunday roast A Sunday roast is the perfect...

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