Tuesday, May 24, 2022
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TIPPLE & FARE

Finickity Facebook Goes to War on Rustic Restaurateur

Finickity ‘Angry People in Local Newspapers’ Facebook group members get it completely wrong in attacking a restaurateur fined for putting up a poster advertising work at his Italian in Bristol.

Easter in January at Waitrose

Waitrose started promoting Easter merchandise on the 2nd January; Easter Sunday is not until 17th April and naturally ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’ mentality kicked in on social media.

Word of the Week 2022 – Trousered

As ‘trousered’ enters the Oxford English Dictionary with a citation for Sir Billy Connolly, we share some other great booze related words and phrases.

Ghislaine’s Grub

As Ghislaine Maxwell turns 60 today and remains in the clink, she gets ‘treated’ to a Christmas Day meal consisting of grub options that include meatloaf and a pack of peanuts.

Cooking With Ghislaine

Ghislaine Maxwell’s supporters seek to share “family cooking recipes” just as her lawyers compare her incarceration to scenes from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ … Liver with fava beans and Chianti anyone?

Dim Tim Martin’s Doom

Nikolay Kalinin on extremist Brexiteer Tim Martin moaning about shortages at Wetherspoons being caused ironically by Brexit; ‘Dim Martin’ should blame himself only for such a situation.

Flora’s ‘Little Pot of Sunshine’

9-year-old girl’s prize-winning “little pot of sunshine” conserve goes on sale in Fortnum & Mason after beating 3,000 others in the world marmalade awards; 99-year-old’s grandson meanwhile claims marmalade helped her beat coronavirus.

Celebrating The Doggy Bag

Nikolay Kalinin celebrates the ‘Daily Mail’s’ campaign to encourage restaurant customers to take doggy bags home with them and joins those slamming Wetherspoons decision to refuse to participate.

Tatler Tells Fake Tales

‘Tatler’ magazine called out for suggesting a Chelsea restaurant that closed down in August 2016 as a “hot spot” post ‘Lockdown 3.0’ ending in May 2021.

A Wetherspoons Washout 2021

On ‘Unlockdown Day 2021’ the Truro branch of Wetherspoons was empty; given its owner Tim Martin’s joy in banning just about everything, could anybody be surprised?

Brenda’s Brew

Her Majesty The Queen launches two home brewed beers just as it is announced that drinkers have drunk stocks nigh on dry in the wake of ‘unlockdown’ This morning, just as BBC Radio 4’s Today...

Hospitality vs. Headbangers

Legal challenge to Boris Johnson’s government’s completely illogical refusal to allow indoor hospitality venues to open whilst allowing indoor retail to open to be decided on this week.

Confidence In The City

As the City of London Corporation’s Catherine McGuinness shares confidence about office space in the city, the Bow Wine Vaults announces its terrace is reopening from 12th April.

Far From The Madding Crowd (But Well-Near The Whisky)

Detached cottage in nearly an acre of land, far from the madding crowd and 5 miles from the nearest village in Sutherland, Scotland for sale for just £95,000; it’s perfect for an isolationist whisky lover.

A Sorry Shelf Saga

Northamptonshire Tesco shopper gets into a tizzy over shelf movements and furiously compares matter to wartime.

Pensioners’ Portion Palaver 2021

Angry magnifying glass carrying pensioner Tony Crook complains about “pensioners’ portions” of fish and chips being “obnoxious” in Barnard Castle – the land of Dominic Cummings’ famous eye test outing in 2020.

Heroes of the Hour 2021 – Bill and Cath Mullarkey

Bill and Cath Mullarkey are using their EuroMillions winnings to to feed homeless people in the COVID-19 lockdown.

The Point of a Pub

Matthew Steeples joins those saying: “I wish I was in the pub” and lauds the ‘Guardian’ for suggesting: “Pubs are part of Britain’s fabric. Why are they not being properly helped?”

Heroine of the Hour 2021 – Anita Rani

Anita Rani arrives as a BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’ morning show presenter and announces: “If you’ve had enough, pour yourself a G&T, you have my permission.”

A Chelsea Essential

Management of Fulham Road Italian The Chelsea Corner share their anger at the British government with protest posters against Lockup 3.0 and restaurants being branded “non-essential.”

Dry January 2021 CANCELLED

At a time of lockup lunacy in early 2021, the last thing we need is the marketing nonsense that is ‘Dry January’ forced upon us; instead, celebrate #DryGinuary.

Pampered Peers Prattle About Avocados

Avocados and a “lack of British chefs in the kitchens” get the goat of out-of-touch British peers just as Norman Fowler calls for their numbers to be cut.

Oysters Ahoy!

Native oysters bizarrely reappear in Belfast Lough after 100 years of absence without any human intervention.

Dining With The Dopey Dorks

Prince Andrew and his daughter’s dining habits – and the tall tales about did-he-or-didn’t-he go to Pizza Express (Woking branch) – get this dopey dork-like pair into hot water yet again.

The (Loss) of Ludicrous Lord’s

EXCLUSIVE – Matthew Steeples reports on coronavirus and the lack of Arabic arrivals killing off Knightsbridge’s most expensive ‘convenience’ store, Lord’s Food & Wine of Brompton Road, SW3.

Pintless, Pointless & Pathetic

The government’s decision to ban people from further drinking after they’ve finished a “substantial meal” is pointless and pathetic.

Moron of the Moment – Gordon Ramsay

That Gordon Ramsay thinks it acceptable to start selling burgers at £80 a pop at a time of economic meltdown confirms him as a cretin.

The Best Gastrowagon By Far

Land Rover converted into a ‘gastrowagon’ for television chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s first television series heads to auction.

A Pintless Policy

Matthew Steeples slams ‘Bosie The Clown’s’ pub destroying lockdown; 7 out of 10 pubs are likely to close as a result and the nation will be left pintless.

Reader Offer – Gilpin’s Gin

‘The Steeple Times’ offers readers an extra special discount on the extra dry, extra sophisticated Gilpin’s Gin during Lockdown 2.0.

Fergie’s Banger Clanger

As the anniversary of Prince Andrew’s car crash interview approaches, Sarah Ferguson pulls another clanger and bangs on about sausages in a feature for ‘The Sun.’

Word of the Week – Coronacoaster

As we face the next lockup-lockdown, a new word that will come to greater prominence is “coronacoaster” – ride it at your peril and instead try out our gin suggestions.

Bog Off Bungling Boris

Matthew Steeples suggests now is time for bungling Boris Johnson to quit; he is not in control and he has no coordinated plan for Brexit or coronavirus.

Starve a Kid to Save a Quid

‘Starve a Kid to Save a Quid’ goes viral in the wake of the government’s disastrous attempt to starve poor school kids whilst Tory MPs deservedly get banned from shops and restaurants.

Anth’ Swings Back to Flakegate

Anthea Turner swings into an interview with ‘The Sun’ and shares that she had therapy over her tacky ‘Flakegate’ wedding photos.

Stand Up Against Snitch O’Flock

Matthew Steeples condemns the government’s ludicrous new 10pm bar, pub and restaurant curfew and slams the snitch culture of the next likely lockdown.

Phillip Schofield – What a Plonker!

All-round plonker Phillip Schofield’s wine range condemned as “only fit for the bin” and “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena;” it looks like his “sh*tty offering” might go the same way as that sold by Sir Cliff Richard.

Magnificent Madeleine

Matthew Steeples suggests the utterly charming Chez Madeleine as the best place for seafood in Saint Tropez, France.

Bow Wine Vaults Back

Acclaimed restaurateur Philip Lawless to reopen Square Mile institution and haunt of city financiers the Bow Wine Vaults on Monday.

Hapless Hancock gets a Right Royal Brenda-ering

Restaurant critic Tom Parker-Bowles does a ‘Brenda from Bristol’ in suggesting Health Secretary Matt Hancock’s telly box appearances “drive him mad” whilst chatting to William Sitwell on his Instagram TV show ‘Biting Talk’

Ask Charlie – Rhubarb & Ginger Gin

Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her recipe for Rhubarb & Ginger Gin; here is a recipe that everyone will enjoy making.

Gone Fishers Gin-ing!

Matthew Steeples visits Aldeburgh in Suffolk to learn the story of a business finding success in lockdown – he discovers Fishers Gin.

Beer is Very Good For You

Dutch scientist Professor Eric Claassen confirms a beer a day “would be very good for you” and suggests drinking such protects against insomnia, dementia and obesity.

A Magnum Muckup

Unilever ludicrously forced to “urgently” recall Magnum ice cream because it contains MILK. Health and safety busybodies at their finest.

Hero of the Hour – Adrian Chiles

BBC presenter Adrian Chiles’s delight in the simple pleasures of a pint in a park during lockdown reflects how so many feel.

More Matters Marmalade – Part V

More Matters Marmalade – Part V – Guardian readers on marmalade – Letter penning ‘Guardian’ readers return to their favourite subject – marmalade. This time marmalade and tights.

Hero of the Hour – Liam Gallagher

Rocker Liam Gallagher speaks the most sense on how to survive the coronavirus lockdown in thanking alcohol Rock stars aren’t meant to drink kale juice and herbal tea. That’s a fact, but in an interview...

Pandemic Pun

Prolific party pest David Pun spotted wandering in Waterloo having a coronavirus canapé crisis Spare a thought for David Pun, a deviant, degenerate door list dodger who has most certainly lost out more than most...