Friday, May 20, 2022
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TIPPLE & FARE

Lockdown The Gin

With neighbours putting gin and tonics on each other’s doorsteps during the COVID-19 lockdown, we select the most amusing quotes about this fine spirit In a letter, published in The Telegraph on Tuesday, one Madeline...

Ask Charlie – Lockdown Afternoon Tea

Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her thoughts how to perfect a lockdown afternoon tea and her recipe for lavender scones During these extraordinary times, I have gone back to one of my favourite pleasures...

The Ever So Dry Land of No Milk & No Honey

Jonathan Downey, owner of London’s Milk & Honey bar, takes to social media to share news he won’t be reopening without a rent holiday; it is likely he is set to head a wave...

Boozed-Up Barrymore Boobs

As out of his skull Michael Barrymore yet again makes an utter prat of himself on Instagram, we remind him to stop “destroying” games and instead help get justice for Stuart Lubbock, the man...

Not Such A Lucky Strike

Coronavirus has proved a double blow to restaurateur Keith McNally: First he got the virus himself and now his original restaurant has closed permanently due to it Currently recovering from coronavirus himself, restaurateur Keith McNally...

Churchillian Boisdale

Boisdale prepares for celebration of ‘Victory Over CV19’ with the launch of fourteen ‘war bonds’ to be redeemed when gastronomes can again gather   With outposts in Belgravia, Bishopsgate, Canary Wharf and Mayfair, Boisdale is...

Positivity From Pleurat

Refugee turned “one-man vodka band” Pleurat Shabani shares a message of positivity (and a reminder that we’ll all be having a martini or three together again soon) Having escaped the civil war in Croatia, Kosovo...

Simplifying Sunday Lunch (in Chelsea)

Chelsea favourite No. Fifty Cheyne is now offering its Sunday lunch menu “in the comfort of your own home… with only very little further cooking needed” For those stranded in Chelsea and its environs during...

Preserved by Marmalade

Nonagenarian from Stockport beats coronavirus by eating marmalade sandwiches; she’s previously survived a bomb and likes biscuits also Like Guardian readers, we at The Steeple Times love marmalade and we especially enjoy marmalade with lots...

More Matters Marmalade – Part IV

As some ‘Guardian’ readers attempt to move on from marmalade, others demand the “marmalade saga” is allowed to continue on the letters pages Readers of the Guardian have been banging on about marmalade now for...

Riccardo’s Responds

Riccardo’s restaurant in Chelsea leads the way in showing community mindedness during the coronavirus outbreak Across the land small businesses are doing their bit for their communities and a case in point in Chelsea comes...

Hero of the Hour – Anonymous Fish & Chip Donor

Good Samaritan paying for villagers of Denchworth, Oxfordshire to have fish and chips once per week during the coronavirus lockdown deserves to be saluted For the next three months every Friday, the 171 residents of...

More Matters Marmalade – Part III

‘Guardian’ readers continue their debate about marmalade (and reference how they’re interacting with it during coronavirus) In Tuesday’s letter pages in the Guardian, one Catriona Todd penned a missive about the marmalade she’s been creating...

Picture of the Week – A Fish Finger F**k Up

As coronavirus panic buying hits supermarkets, Tesco show they’ve lost the plot when it comes to pricing Birds Eye fish fingers Tesco operates by the mantra that “Every Little Helps,” but at a time when...

Considering Corned Beef

Angry man sends bizarre letter to local newspaper to complain about the design of corned beef tins There are people with too much time on their hands and then there’s Daniel Farrington of Poplar Avenue,...

More Matters of Marmalade – Part II

‘Guardian’ readers continue their debate about marmalade (and get rather het up about the variety made with grapefruit) We thought they’d finished with this particular topic, but it seems Guardian readers just can’t get enough...

Who Sells Roger Rabbit?

In spite of being popular with the media classes as a meat of choice, Matthew Steeples asks: ‘Why don’t supermarkets sell rabbit?’ Last week in The Times, I came across a recipe for rabbit pie....

With Friends Like These…

That Prince Andrew decided to share his birthday with the diminutive skinflint Bernie Ecclestone shows the new low he has reached ‘Randy Andy’ has never been considered capable of carefulness in his choice of company,...

McGee Magic

“The Lovely Debbie McGee” hits a new low in appearing in adverts for a crappy kitchen makeover company (with captions across her cleavage) The late Caroline Aherne (AKA Mrs Merton) made an utter fool of...

Damp Chips

Moaning granny complains to local newspaper about being treated like “trailer trash” after being “forced” to eat chips in the rain Joanne Leaman – a chav-like woman resembling something like Vicky Pollard from Little Britain...

A Peeved Pensioner

Angry granny Mary Ingamells contacts press to complain about finding a piece of wood in a tin of Tesco carrots and peas; she can also still feel a piece of orange in her throat...

Ask Charlie – How to perfect a Sunday roast

New columnist Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her tips as to how to cook a perfect Sunday roast A Sunday roast is the perfect time to leave your phones to one side, turn off...

A Tale of Two Lukes

Luke Johnson is wrong to urge consumers to embrace alcohol free spirits whilst Luke Jones was right to urge them to love martinis Under Luke Johnson’s reign Patisserie Valerie collapsed. He claimed the experience of...

More Matters of Marmalade

The debate over marmalade making and longevity continues in the ‘Guardian’ with a letter from a 74-year-old In the Guardian, the correlation of marmalade making and longevity continues in their letters pages.   The latest:   My husband will...

Death by Mixed Grill

Brewers Fayre mixed grill steak, gammon, fried eggs, chicken breast, pork sausage, chips, onion rings, grilled tomato and peas combo kills woman; five other gruesome culinary deaths A Welsh woman named Karen Hopkins – not...

A Matter of Marmalade

Readers of the ‘Guardian’ share their amusing stories correlating longevity and marmalade During the last month, the Guardian has published a series of letters about old people and marmalade.   Amusingly, in them, the correspondents reference how...

Heroes of the Hour – The Dreadnought

Edinburgh pub that has banned men with bare ankles and suggests alcohol free gin to be nothing but overpriced cordial is to be saluted Men who wear loafers without socks (termed “mankles,” we’ll have you...

Draconian Drinking

Brexit bore Tim Martin, chairman of Wetherspoons yet again shows himself to be a draconian drip; what will this nutty nuisance ban next? On Monday, the deranged dimwit Tim Martin, chairman of the J. D....

Name & Shame – Fergie’s (Fat) Farm

Sarah, Duchess of York should be ashamed of her latest attempt to profit from her (former) royal status Sarah, Duchess of York (AKA ‘Fergie’) just cannot help herself. When not describing her former husband’s links...

Food Fury – Tezza The Steak Terror

Angry supposedly homophobic ex-Labour councillor contacts his local newspaper to rant about buying supposedly rotten meat in Morrisons There are people with too much time on their hands and then there’s Terry Lawton from Tollesby,...

Hero of the Hour – Alain Ducasse

French chef Alain Ducasse is right to condemn Dry January and to suggest diners drink more, not less January is frankly the month when people should drink more, not less. It is a month solicitors...

Chelsea’s Chicken McNugget Girls

It’s no longer “Who Sloanes Wins” in Chelsea; welcome to the 2020s in SW3 – and the arrival of an age of vulgarity and coarseness Chelsea used to be the land of Peter York’s Sloane...

Raising a Toast to Ginuary

Matthew Steeples suggests readers avoid ‘Veganuary’ and instead take up ‘Ginuary’ this month ‘Veganuary’ is all the rage at the moment. Articles about it abound and the blessed pest, the-ex-she turned somebody-of-undefined sex (‘Gender X’...

It’s a NO to New Year’s Day Dining

Matthew Steeples comes to concur that dining out on New Year’s Day is an utterly stupid idea (unless you want food poisoning) Last week on the BBC’s Saturday Kitchen, a guest chef was asked about...

Moron of the Moment – Jordi Casamitjana

Sacked League Against Cruel Sports employee Jordi Camamitjana is the personification of crazy for seeking to have “ethical veganism recognised as a protected philosophical belief” Jordi Casamitjana believes in what he calls ‘T-shirting.’ He always...

Brazen Bigoted Baroness’ Boxing Day Baloney

Bigoted ‘baroness’ Marie Claire von Alvensleben, famed for rolling around on the floor with disgraced TV star Michael Barrymore, spotted bargaining (unsuccessfully) in the Queen’s grocers Convicted racist, drunk and bedraggled-pissed-up-lying-on-the-floor with he-who’s-yet-to-explain-a-death-in-swimming-pool Michael Barrymore,...

Anth Gets “A Bit Silly”

Scrooge-like Anthea Turner patronises the public yet again and announces she’ll be serving chicken rather than turkey this Christmas “Hardly on the breadline” Anthea Turner likes excess. This anything but frugal self-publicist’s marital homes included...

The Greatness of Gary

The early demise of the master of modern British cuisine Gary Rhodes is truly a loss to be lamented “Chef’s chef” Gary Rhodes OBE, unlike many of his contemporaries, was a gentleman.   Kind to his core...

Martin’s Gone Bananas

Yet more proof that the J. D. Wetherspoon pub chain is to be avoided is revealed… Aside from European booze and dogs being banned, you might meet reckless, boozed-up mothers and bigots also J. D....

A Quid For A Pub

Detached Essex pub put up for sale for less than the price of half a pint just as “Britain’s best pub” celebrates 20 years of success The great British institution that is the public house...

Wally of the Week – Tim Martin

JD Wetherspoon’s should be punished for spending nearly £100,000 on pro-Brexit beer mats at the behest of Tim Martin Tim Martin is an odious man and he’s also highly irritating. That is for sure, but...

A Gingerly Roller

1927 Rolls-Royce Phantom I originally owned by Edward VIII for sale; it comes with a bottle of Berry Bros. & Rudd’s The Kings Ginger Richard Biddulph of Vintage & Prestige Classic Cars gives away a...

Motoring Gin

Grade I listed Jacobean manor house on the Dorset-Somerset border for sale for the price of 170,000 bottles of gin; it comes with its own distillery and a private car museum also Owned by the...

Gaylord Gone

Iconic “Fawlty Towers-esque” Indian restaurant Gaylord in Mortimer Street, W1 permanently closes due to cockroach infestation After being served with a hygiene emergency prohibition notice in August due to it having a “serious infestation of cockroaches,”...

Anth’ Takes A Second Bite

Anthea Turner’s second wedding will forever be remembered for pictures of her biting into a Cadbury’s Flake; her third is going to be eternally linked to her fiancé’s policeman biting habit ‘Fuck I Used To...

Eating Over The Cliff

Sir Cliff Richard wins a phallic victory against the BBC and remains left out of pocket; elsewhere the condescening crooner went overboard with a menu that included three salmon dishes When he’s not crying on...

A Planted Prat

That Lewis Hamilton has chosen to open a “planet friendly” restaurant is surely a joke given his penchant for gas guzzlers Lewis Hamilton is best known for going fast in gas guzzlers, but now it...

The Dirty Diplomat

Belgravia hotel The Diplomat, which counts the helmet haired racist bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben amongst its residents, has been condemned for being utterly disgusting.