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MOVERS & SHAKERS

The Cat That Lost The Maxwell Cream

The story of what happened to Ghislaine Maxwell’s cat after her arrest is too ludicrous for words.

A Life in a Sentence

Matthew Steeples finds amusement in Twitter handles; a life in a sentence can be found on some of the best profiles.

Will Ghislaine Maxwell Motor On?

As a poll reveals the public believe Ghislaine Maxwell will ‘suicide herself’ in a similar manner to her former master Jeffrey Epstein, the Cash & Rocket ‘charity’ unbelievably announce they are going ahead with another rally in 2021.

Remembering Jeffrey Epstein Albuquerque Style

Statue of late billionaire sex beast Jeffrey Epstein mysteriously appears outside City Hall in Albuquerque, New Mexico (and is promptly removed by officials).

Elton John Needs an Olive Branch

As Sir Elton John is slammed for his treatment of his ex-wife, we suggest he ought to offer an olive branch as appeasement to get her off her ‘Crocodile Rock.’

Observing Ambridge

Whilst one ‘Observer’ reader suggests Alan Bennett writes the monologues that have replaced normal episodes of ‘The Archers,’ another demands a return to standard broadcasts about Ambridge life.

Moron of the Moment – Lady Victoria Hervey

Just as ultimate dumbo Lady Victoria Hervey shows herself up in stating: “Fuck Black Lives Matter,” fellow aristocrat Dr. Bendor Grosvenor calls for the return of objects “looted during the British Empire.”

Clickbait Crazy

White woman Kris Schatzel caught posing with a ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign in a “slutty” outfit is exposed as a clickbait crazy ‘Protest Barbie.’

Moron of the Moment – Dan Wootton

Dominic Cummings mouthpiece Dan Wootton yet again shows himself to be a bit of a berk in attacking both ‘Tatler’ and Sir Keir Starmer in one hit in his column in ‘The Sun.’

Wally of the Week – Stephanie Pratt

Shoplifter Stephanie Pratt fulfils her prattish surname in urging urges cops to shoot shoplifters.

A Really Useful Angelis

Matthew Steeples remembers the Liverpudlian actor and voice of ‘Thomas & Friends’ Michael Angelis (18th January 1952 – 30th May 2020).

Mixed Up McGee

Dippy Debbie McGee yet again confirms her status as the ultimate airhead in boasting about her connections to ‘Randy Andy’ and is met with a denial from a royal source.

Moron of the Moment – Olivia Utley

Rent-a-gob stand-in for Rod Liddle at ‘The Sun’ Olivia Utley shows herself to be nothing but a big-mouthed berk in brainlessly banging...

Heroine of the Hour – Lorraine Kelly

In suggesting obese people slim to avoid death by coronavirus Lorraine Kelly is spot on; she’s also right about Harry and MeGain

Wally of the Week – Vanessa Branson

At a time when her billionaire brother Sir Richard is deservedly taking a pounding for trying to rape the state, multi-millionairess Vanessa...

It’s Just Awful Being Alexa

Self-absorbed Alexa Chung isn’t worrying about people dying from coronavirus; she’s too busy moaning about people not focusing on the real her

Where’s Ghislaine?

As Prince Andrew faces the possibility of being sued by victims of Jeffrey Epstein, we again join those asking: “Where’s Ghislaine Maxwell?”...

Not Such Divine Intervention

Empty Gothic church in Kelso, Scotland for sale for just £130,000; it was home until 2006 to the conspiracy theorist Dean Warwick...

A Major Cough-up

ITV’s ‘Quiz’ has definitely left the public questioning the conviction of the ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ £1 million cheat Major...

Overheard – 10th April 2020

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’ – including a return of the best interviewee of the 2019...

Wally of the Week – Sir Cliff Richard

Creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard demands his music should be given “priority” play ahead of younger artists; he must be the...

Down With Dumb Diane

After retreating to the backbenches, can life get better for the thickest politician in history, Diane Abbott? She’s got the sentencing of...

Sheen Shines

The ‘Guardian’s’ Rebecca Nicholson’s fascinating interview with the actor Michael Sheen is exactly the kind of reading needed during coronavirus lockdown; he...

Put A Stamp In It

Bath pensioner gets very, very, very worked up about the quality of stamps available in a Post Office in a WHSmith store

Moron of the Moment – Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan sinks to a new low during the coronavirus crisis and attempts to relaunch her tawdry self on April Fool’s Day;...

Guardian Gets Giddy

Coronavirus has plainly sent the ‘Guardian’s’ editorial team giddy; they’re now urging their readers to call sex chatlines One has traditionally...

Wally of the Week – Sarah, Duchess of York

Sarah, Duchess of York sticks her oar in over coronavirus, but makes no mention of the benefit the outbreak has given her...

Inapproriate Anth’

Anthea Turner makes an inappropriate joke about coronavirus in referencing her knicker flashing chum Lizzie Cundy as ‘Cundyvirus’ Anthea Turner can...

Clothing Famous Kids

Lucy Smith shares her thoughts about the trends in the clothing choices of the children of royalty and the rich and famous

Overheard – 15th March 2020

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’ Laughable Drinks “I’ll have a Seedlip and tonic” announced a...

Roasting Randy Andy

Caitlin Moran sums up the Duke of York perfectly in mocking the deviant royal’s creepiness There’s awkward and then there’s Prince...

Schofield Axed

Fresh from ‘outing’ himself Phillip Schofield finds his new television series ‘How To Spend It Well’ axed After outing himself and...

Stick A Sock On

Matthew Steeples criticises ‘The Telegraph’ for suggesting men can wear loafers without socks According to this morning’s Telegraph, “2020 is the...

Moron of the Moment – Christabel Milbanke

Annoying pest Christabel Milbanke is confirmed as a fruitcake and someone best avoided Christabel Milbanke claims to be able to “amplify...

A Pickled Apology

That Michael Barrymore is willing to apologise to Sir Richard Branson but not the family of the late Stuart Lubbock is telling

Boobed by Judy

Bra flasher Judy Finnigan labelled “sexist” by her very own husband during a discussion about naked women in saunas Potbellied pisshead...

Justice by Email

Since she cannot be physically found, alleged madam and daughter of ‘Bouncing Bob’ Ghislaine Maxwell has now been served by email

The Phil & Matt Show

Phillip Schofield filmed smoking shisha with his alleged ex-lover Matt McGreevy (and pictured in bed thereafter); another image shows the pair together...

SchofieldLite

‘Politicalite’ suggest Phillip Schofield orchestrated his ‘mass coming out’ after a former ‘This Morning’ runner had gone to the press about a...

Mr Childish

As son of convicted criminal Sam Palmer is branded ‘Mr Obnoxious’ in the ‘Mail on Sunday,’ we suggest he’s actually ‘Mr Childish’...

Andy’s Antics Analysed

Jeremy Clarkson rightly suggests that Prince Andrew should do two things: Shut up and bugger off Just as alleged abuse victim...

EXCLUSIVE – Oh Randy, Oh Randy Andy

‘The Times’ allows a most curious notice to appear on its ‘Register’ page; Could it have been cryptically penned by Ghislaine Maxwell...

Angry Anth’

Flake botherer Anthea Turner swings into action to resolve a row with her magic mushroom loving fiancé at Heathrow Airport Life...

The Megaphone Maniac

Lunatic from London caught shouting “stop reproducing!” through a megaphone in Oxford; Danny Shine previously got prosecuted for shouting about masturbation

Hero of the Hour – Laurence Fox

Actor Laurence Fox has most unjustifiably been condemned for calling out the ‘MegExit’ saga as “boring” and nothing to do with racism

The Parson with Nine Pussies

Matthew Steeples takes a look at the life of a vicar who gave services with his nine cats in tow, the Reverend...

The Wit of Woolf

‘The Steeple Times’ remembers the late, great Woolf Gander A businessman who travelled widely across across the globe, Woolf Gander was...

Hero of the Hour – Giles Coren

Giles Coren is to be saluted for refusing to put up with harassment from the supporters of the left-wing scumbag Owen Jones