Wed Feb 26, 2020 London

The Steeple Times is an online magazine with a following of upto 880,000 unique views per day on our best day yet.

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Combining a mix of society's last word and both wit and wisdom, The Steeple Times covers food, drink and fine dining as well as luxury, travel, the arts, individuals of influence and current affairs in the United Kingdom, America and elsewhere. We are best described as being akin to "a cross between The Huffington Post and Private Eye".


The magazine's following is affluent, engaged and international. With 41% of readers coming from the UK and 38% from America, The Steeple Times also has strong presence within Canadian, Italian, German and Australian territories.



The snakes and ladders of society

A chronicle of drama, scandal and success in London, Paris, New York and elsewhere

February 24, 2020

A Pickled Apology

by Matthew Steeples

That Michael Barrymore is willing to apologise to Sir Richard Branson but not the family of the late Stuart Lubbock is telling In November 2012, Sir Richard Branson tweeted: “OK. Who’s got a tattoo they have lived to regret?” Amongst the first to respond was Michael Barrymore (AKA Michael Parker), the disgraced entertainer and roller-around-on-the-floor … Continue reading “A Pickled Apology”

February 22, 2020

Boobed by Judy

by Matthew Steeples

Bra flasher Judy Finnigan labelled “sexist” by her very own husband during a discussion about naked women in saunas Potbellied pisshead Judy Finnigan returned to daytime telly yesterday.   In a slot on This Morning – the show she long ago co-hosted with her ‘Dorian Gray of entertainment-like’ husband Richard Madeley (prior to his hands … Continue reading “Boobed by Judy”

February 17, 2020

Justice by Email

by Matthew Steeples

Since she cannot be physically found, alleged madam and daughter of ‘Bouncing Bob’ Ghislaine Maxwell has now been served by email As lawyers for Annie Farmer, a woman who accuses Jeffrey Epstein of sexual assault, have been unable to physically locate Ghislaine Maxwell, they have now managed to persuade a judge to allow them to … Continue reading “Justice by Email”

February 16, 2020

The Phil & Matt Show

by Matthew Steeples

Phillip Schofield filmed smoking shisha with his alleged ex-lover Matt McGreevy (and pictured in bed thereafter); another image shows the pair together in photograph taken at a school Phillip Schofield has most certainly manipulated most people into thinking he’s a national treasure. He’s cried on the telly box and most recently orchestrated a ‘coming out’ … Continue reading “The Phil & Matt Show”

February 13, 2020


by Matthew Steeples

‘Politicalite’ suggest Phillip Schofield orchestrated his ‘mass coming out’ after a former ‘This Morning’ runner had gone to the press about a supposed relationship whilst he was a teenager Phillip Schofield has truly milked his ‘coming out.’ Criticised yesterday by Matthew Parris in The Times for behaving badly towards other gay men in hiding his … Continue reading “SchofieldLite”

February 10, 2020

Mr Childish

by Matthew Steeples

As son of convicted criminal Sam Palmer is branded ‘Mr Obnoxious’ in the ‘Mail on Sunday,’ we suggest he’s actually ‘Mr Childish’ also Yesterday in the Mail on Sunday, Charlotte Griffiths quite rightly branded a moronic ex-used car salesman turned hanger-on to the coattails of the very wealthy daughter of another former used car salesman … Continue reading “Mr Childish”

February 8, 2020

Andy’s Antics Analysed

by Matthew Steeples

Jeremy Clarkson rightly suggests that Prince Andrew should do two things: Shut up and bugger off Just as alleged abuse victim Virginia Roberts suggested Prince Andrew should hear “the sound of shackles tied round his ankles on the way to the tower” instead of bells, Jeremy Clarkson has this morning used his column in The … Continue reading “Andy’s Antics Analysed”

January 24, 2020

Angry Anth’

by Matthew Steeples

Flake botherer Anthea Turner swings into action to resolve a row with her magic mushroom loving fiancé at Heathrow Airport Life isn’t always a bed of roses for ‘Princess Tippy Toes’ (AKA ‘F**k I Used To Be Famous’ Anthea Turner) and this morning’s Mirror revealed yet another botch up by this hectoring harpy.   Spotted … Continue reading “Angry Anth’”

January 22, 2020

The Megaphone Maniac

by Matthew Steeples

Lunatic from London caught shouting “stop reproducing!” through a megaphone in Oxford; Danny Shine previously got prosecuted for shouting about masturbation Self-declared “very naughty boy” (though he’s well north of fifty in terms of his years) Danny Shine claims he was prosecuted for saying “masturbate” in public in 2018. He now goes around shouting through … Continue reading “The Megaphone Maniac”

January 19, 2020

Hero of the Hour – Laurence Fox

by Matthew Steeples

Actor Laurence Fox has most unjustifiably been condemned for calling out the ‘MegExit’ saga as “boring” and nothing to do with racism Laurence Fox rightly dared to suggest that the whole ‘MegExit’ saga has nothing to do with “racism” and also suggested Labour should not choose its leader on the basis of what sex they … Continue reading “Hero of the Hour – Laurence Fox”

January 14, 2020

The Parson with Nine Pussies

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples takes a look at the life of a vicar who gave services with his nine cats in tow, the Reverend Robert Hawker Witchcraft, religion and women with cats have long been associated. Be it the cat accompanied Pendle Witches – a collection of unfortunates tried in 1612 mostly at Lancaster and in the … Continue reading “The Parson with Nine Pussies”

January 10, 2020

The Wit of Woolf

by Matthew Steeples

‘The Steeple Times’ remembers the late, great Woolf Gander A businessman who travelled widely across across the globe, Woolf Gander was born in 1937 in London Hospital and sadly died just before Christmas. A father of three – Beverley, Andrew and Adam – and a grandfather of three – Olivia, George and Victoria – Woolf … Continue reading “The Wit of Woolf”

January 8, 2020

Hero of the Hour – Giles Coren

by Matthew Steeples

Giles Coren is to be saluted for refusing to put up with harassment from the supporters of the left-wing scumbag Owen Jones Giles Coren predicted that the insufferable idiot Owen Jones might get a peerage in Corbyn’s resignation honours on the 31st December. He suggested that this self-serving obnoxious bore might become a “fat old … Continue reading “Hero of the Hour – Giles Coren”

December 25, 2019

Christmas Card of the Year

by Matthew Steeples

Sir Benjamin Slade excels himself with an amusing Christmas card celebrating himself (maybe) finally finding an other half Sir Benjamin Slade, Bt. can always be relied upon to amuse.   Whether he’s on ITV1’s This Morning describing how he’s looking for a “castle trained breeder” (to provide him with an heir) or filming videos of … Continue reading “Christmas Card of the Year”

December 20, 2019

Moaning Moron Michael

by Matthew Steeples

Delusional deranged ‘entertainer’ Michael Barrymore yet again shamefully cracks an inappropriate joke about death Sadly, Michael Barrymore is alive, but it seems he’s not so well.   Unlike poor Stuart Lubbock, who was found dead in very strange circumstances in his swimming pool (after which said ‘entertainer’ ran away before an ambulance had even arrived … Continue reading “Moaning Moron Michael”

December 14, 2019

The Duchess is a Dork

by Matthew Steeples

That the Duchess of York claims the Jeffrey Epstein scandal to be “nonsense” sums up how much of an out of touch fruitcake she truly is As it is suggested that the alleged madam Ghislaine Maxwell may actually be hiding out in witness protection, that the Duchess of York has claimed in an interview that … Continue reading “The Duchess is a Dork”

November 30, 2019

The Cheque Doesn’t Lie

by Matthew Steeples

The release of a photograph of a cheque from Prince Andrew to Monique Giannelloni provides further evidence of his sordid ways Prince Andrew should have realised that “cash don’t talk,” but providing further evidence of his arrogance, the release of a photograph of a Coutts & Co. cheque he gave to a “female masseuse” who … Continue reading “The Cheque Doesn’t Lie”

November 26, 2019

Lookout! It’s Lizzie…

by Matthew Steeples

Prince Andrew must be toast; when knicker flasher Lizzie Cundy leaps to your defence, you know your days must be numbered A publicity obsessive turned “jilted friend” of the former Meghan Markle has struck again. In comments to The Sun, the fan of ‘noisy secret sex” with Danny Cipriani that is Lizzie Cundy has spoken … Continue reading “Lookout! It’s Lizzie…”

November 23, 2019

Hero of the Hour – Lorraine Kelly

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples lauds “mad as hell” Lorraine Kelly in spite of her speaking in “Gorbals gobbledygook”; here is a woman who has morphed into a tigress and a “gritty heroine of our times” With her “Gorbals gobbledygook” accent, many would describe Lorraine Kelly OBE as “impossible to understand.” Last year, at a film premiere with … Continue reading “Hero of the Hour – Lorraine Kelly”

November 21, 2019

Poor Beatrice

by Matthew Steeples

In the downfall of The Duke of York, the nation seems to have forgotten Princess Beatrice’s impending state-funded marriage When Princess Eugenie got married, ‘The Club’ turned out enthusiastically. There was Elton ‘Olive Oil’ John and there was James ‘Goodbye My Brexit Lover’ Blunt. Will they now dare turn up for the sequel?   With … Continue reading “Poor Beatrice”

November 19, 2019

Where’s Mucky Maxwell?

by Matthew Steeples

‘The Steeple Times’ reveals news about the alleged madam Ghislaine Maxwell that is yet to reach the British press; this mucky woman wants “fairness” Whilst “grand” old Prince Andrew’s been busy reporting on how he slummed it and dined in Pizza Express in Woking, another key player in the Epstein scandal is still missing.   … Continue reading “Where’s Mucky Maxwell?”

November 15, 2019

Thanks Tamara!

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples thanks Tamara Ecclestone for giving him so much attention (at a time when her dear little daddy is trying to bury his bad news of having to pay £1 billion in back taxes he owed to the British public) In her own words: “I’m like an old lady with a cup of tea” … Continue reading “Thanks Tamara!”

November 12, 2019

Guttered Anthea

by Matthew Steeples

Anthea Turner’s “berserk” convicted offender fiancé spotted “trawling roads” doing community service after biting a policeman This morning, The Sun shared photographs of ‘Princess Tippy Toes’ Anthea Turner’s fiancé, “socialite” Mark Armstrong, “dawdling” and picking up litter from gutters whilst wearing a fluorescent orange jacket emblazoned with the words ‘Community Payback.’   Sentenced to 240 … Continue reading “Guttered Anthea”

November 6, 2019

BoJo’s Body Double

by Matthew Steeples

American lookalike of Boris Johnson emerges; it turns out he’s very rich and the beau of the socialite Denise Rich As Boris Johnson faces further allegations that “he knew about Vote Leave’s illegal overspend” and news that the Metropolitan Police have passed a file of evidence that could lead to charges against that operation to … Continue reading “BoJo’s Body Double”

October 30, 2019

Bonkers Bedfellows

by Matthew Steeples

If Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is dating the car crash that is Lindsay Lohan, he must be bonkers; the truth is more likely that this washed-up slapper is pulling yet another publicity stunt News that Lindsay Lohan might be in a relationship with “the bloodthirsty crown prince of Saudi Arabia” Mohammad bin Salman might … Continue reading “Bonkers Bedfellows”

October 29, 2019

Do One Dawn

by Matthew Steeples

“Napkin slapper” Dawn Ward again proves herself to be a common degenerate in using the phrase “do one” Telling some to “remove oneself” by instead saying “do one” is quite frankly just awful. It is used by people – whom are generally northerners according to the Oxford English Dictionary – when they’ve lost an argument … Continue reading “Do One Dawn”

October 25, 2019

Carrie’s Curious Contacts

by Matthew Steeples

The Steeple Times reveals some of the curious people Boris Johnson’s squeeze Carrie Symonds previously associated with – a past that includes online manhood sharers and fake news creators As Boris Johnson’s girlfriend attempts to morph into the role of Britain’s answer to a first lady, we can reveal a past that she’d likely rather … Continue reading “Carrie’s Curious Contacts”

October 24, 2019

Crackpot Cliff Cutout

by Matthew Steeples

Cliff Richard shares his bizarre views about Brexit, losing friends, speaking to himself and liking being addressed by his title just as a cardboard cutout of him is nicked (thus causing “airport chaos”) Last week, Sir Cliff Richard OBE rose up once again and was interviewed for ITV’s Lorraine show by the Scottish television presenter … Continue reading “Crackpot Cliff Cutout”

October 19, 2019

Lowbrow Lizzie

by Matthew Steeples

Rugby star Danny Cipriani to sue ageing desperado WAG Lizzie Cundy’s publishers over her tawdry claims about bedding him There’s lowbrow and then there’s the country’s leading knicker flasher, Lizzie Cundy.   With news that Soho Friday Media, the publishers of Cundy’s Tales From The Red Carpet, are being sued for breaches of privacy and … Continue reading “Lowbrow Lizzie”

October 9, 2019

A Trump Hole

by Matthew Steeples

In sharing images of herself digging a hole at the White House yesterday, Melania Trump gave rise to theories about what she was really upto Melania Trump isn’t known for her intellect, but in sharing images of herself digging up soil next to the White House’s tennis court yesterday with her 3.4 million Instagram followers … Continue reading “A Trump Hole”

October 6, 2019

Eating for Elephants

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples hosts a dinner to raise funds for the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s elephant conservation work at Granger & Co. Chelsea On 30th September, The Steeple Times’ Matthew Steeples and the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Richard Marriott gathered an eclectic group of friends and supporters to raise funds to support the charity’s … Continue reading “Eating for Elephants”

September 28, 2019

Anth’ Swings Into Action

by Matthew Steeples

Will Anthea Turner’s chum Lizzie Cundy be joining her to swing into action with a Cadbury’s Flake at her forthcoming nuptials? Anthea Turner likes a chocolate bar. She particularly likes Cadbury’s Flakes and at her last wedding she and her beau began their union by shoving them into their gobs most enthusiastically.   Turner, the … Continue reading “Anth’ Swings Into Action”

September 26, 2019

Mopping Up

by Matthew Steeples

One of the world’s highest paid actresses ludicrously asks for an electric mop on her wedding registry; this mucky madam plainly wants a role on “How Clean Is Your House?” Self-declared “actress and philanthropist” Jennifer Lawrence is best known for mendaciously moaning that a leak of her mucky nude photographs were a “sexual violation.”   … Continue reading “Mopping Up”

September 21, 2019

Quotes of the Week – 21st September 2019

by Matthew Steeples

A selection of amusing and odd remarks from the media classes including ones from Benjamin Butterworth, Lady Colin Campbell, Gemma Collins, John Crace, Darren Grimes and  Lindsay Lohan Benjamin Butterworth The journalist took to Twitter to respond to news that Mark Ronson considers himself a “sapiosexual” and thus “only shags educated women.” Butterworth tweeted:   … Continue reading “Quotes of the Week – 21st September 2019”

September 20, 2019

Effing Hunniford

by Matthew Steeples

‘Inglorious’ Gloria Hunniford yet again proves herself to be anything but the ‘national treasure’ she so often claims to be There is something most unpleasant about Gloria Hunniford. Aside from her obsession with constantly leaping to the defence of the creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard, this old harpy also used to be friendly with … Continue reading “Effing Hunniford”

September 19, 2019

It’s NOT Hilarious

by Matthew Steeples

As Michael Barrymore is branded “hilarious” and a “novelty” as he makes his TV comeback, we suggest there is no “comic impact” about this at all; what is required instead is justice for the late Stuart Lubbock Heterosexual and known as “a bit of a womaniser,” 31-year-old meat packing worker Stuart Lubbock died on the … Continue reading “It’s NOT Hilarious”

September 14, 2019

Me, Me, Me

by Matthew Steeples

Self-obsessed ‘MeGain’ refers to herself an astonishing 38 times during a speech to launch her overpriced fashion line The Duchess of Sussex is about one thing and that is herself. This former actress continues to act up and since marrying into the royal family has proven herself to be nothing but shameless. This week, however, … Continue reading “Me, Me, Me”

September 10, 2019

Loudmouth Lizzie

by Matthew Steeples

Desperado Lizzie Cundy yet again proves she’ll do anything to get herself on the telly in calling the Duchess of Sussex “manipulative” Media whore Lizzie Cundy, like her tediously trivial ‘bestie’ Anthea Turner, will do just about anything to get herself on the telly box.   In appearing on Australia’s 60 Minutes to brand her … Continue reading “Loudmouth Lizzie”

September 3, 2019

Potty Lottie

by Matthew Steeples

Lowbrow lavatory frisker and all-round irrelevance Lottie Moss yet again makes a fool of herself by desperately selling fake news to ‘The Sun’ “I feel like I’m Hannah Montana” somewhat nuttily announced the motormouth ‘model’ Lottie Moss in a “diary” for Vogue in May 2017.   Having dated a little known Made In Chelsea dimwit … Continue reading “Potty Lottie”

September 2, 2019

Meg’s Murky Mess

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples suggests Thomas Markle is right to call out his daughter’s antics for what they are: Ridiculous ‘MeGain’ (AKA The Duchess of Sussex) is allegedly jetting off to shores distant. Whilst many will be relieved that she could possibly be going to Africa or back to her native United States, one person who is … Continue reading “Meg’s Murky Mess”

August 30, 2019

Wally of the Week – Ben Fogle

by Matthew Steeples

Ben Fogle yet again shows himself to be utterly off his merry rocker in blabbering on about ‘hopepunk’ and comparing himself to a Labrador suggests Matthew Steeples ‘Hopepunk’ has been embraced by Ben Fogle. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of it (nor had I until this morning), but that it has been … Continue reading “Wally of the Week – Ben Fogle”

August 27, 2019

Dawn Boobs (Again)

by Matthew Steeples

Creosoted creature Dawn Ward snapped in fetish gear after encouraging her poor child to have a boob job­­ Dimwitted Dawn Ward is at it again. This tasteless vulgarian – this time in the company of another so-called ‘reality star’ and lump of plastic named Gemma Collins – published a picture of herself in the South … Continue reading “Dawn Boobs (Again)”

August 19, 2019

Pigeon Bernie

by Matthew Steeples

Bernie Ecclestone finally finds himself some ‘friends’; Prince Charles talks to plants, Bernie Ecclestone talks to pigeons Most people consider city pigeons – but certainly not their country cousins, the wood pigeon – to be pests. Some would go as far as to term them “flying rats,” but plainly Bernie Ecclestone feels to the contrary. … Continue reading “Pigeon Bernie”

August 18, 2019

Anth’s August Antics

by Matthew Steeples

That three newspapers chose to run a story about ‘f**k, I used to be famous’ Anthea Turner finding a toyboy is proof that the ‘silly season’ is in full swing You know the ‘silly season’ is in full swing when The Sun, the Mail on Sunday and the Mirror all run features about Cadbury’s Flake … Continue reading “Anth’s August Antics”

August 14, 2019

With Friends Like These…

by Matthew Steeples

Ghislaine Maxwell’s relationships with sexual deviants were not limited to just Jeffrey Epstein; she was previously linked to former MP Harvey ‘Whacko’ Proctor It turns out that the former MP and convicted criminal Harvey Proctor – found guilty of gross indecency with teenagers in 1986 – is linked to Ghislaine Maxwell via his former employer, … Continue reading “With Friends Like These…”

August 9, 2019

Amazing Profanity

by Matthew Steeples

John Newton of ‘Amazing Grace’ fame was the world’s most accomplished swearer In a most fascinating letter to The Times yesterday, Sister Hilda Mary Baumberg of St Michael’s Convent, Gerrards Cross revealed that the English slave ship captain turned abolitionist and Anglican clergyman John Newton (1725 – 1807) was quite possibly the most accomplished swearer … Continue reading “Amazing Profanity”

August 4, 2019

Borwick Binned

by Matthew Steeples

Kensington Conservatives bin ivory loving Lady Borwick in favour of local socialite and Brexiteer ‘Flicka’ Buchan Lady ‘Call Me Victoria’ Borwick was quite bad enough in that she did nothing for the homeless and supported (and still supports) the ivory trade, but now Kensington Conservatives have done it again by selecting yet another pro-Brexit candidate. … Continue reading “Borwick Binned”

June 21, 2019

Name & Shame – Soly Zadeh

by Matthew Steeples

Soly Zadeh, an artist who disgracefully failed to honour his commitments to an animal conservation charity named and shamed Soly Zadeh, an artist whose somewhat strange works appear on the Saatchi Art website, is someone who was given the opportunity to exhibit his works at a charity event in May to raise money for animal … Continue reading “Name & Shame – Soly Zadeh”

June 8, 2019

Don’t You Know Who I Am?

by Matthew Steeples

Woman dressed in a set of curtains makes a prat of herself at Bibendum in South Kensington; Paris Hilton saunters in later holding hands with Caroline ‘#JustSaying’ Stanbury We sadly live in an era of selfies and reality television, but on Thursday an especially vacuous wench named Carmen Jordá made an utter prat of herself … Continue reading “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”

June 1, 2019

Siddiqi Out-Sherlocked

by Matthew Steeples

Twitter troll and all-round oddity Tariq Siddiqi loses £5 million case against Sherlock Holmes Limited and others Late last month a case brought by Tariq Siddiqi alleging he had been “the  target  and victim of the publication of derogatory, confidential and/or private information on a website” devoted to exposing his business affairs and “bitterly…  accus[ing] … Continue reading “Siddiqi Out-Sherlocked”

May 29, 2019

Basement Journalism

by Matthew Steeples

That Spencer Matthews was described on Sky News as a “royal relative” is just yet another example of shoddy journalism We all make mistakes, but when journalists fall for PR peoples’ scams as easily as Sky News plainly did last night in the wake of the non-news story of the former Made in Chelsea participant … Continue reading “Basement Journalism”

May 27, 2019

True Crime Stories: Baroness de Stempel (and family)

by Matthew Steeples

Our new series examining historic crime stories of the rich and famous begins with the case of the unsolved murder of an architect in Shropshire, the jailing for fraud of his aristocratic ex-wife and her children and her daughter’s subsequent marriage to a famous actor Four times married former debutant Baroness de Stempel (née Susan … Continue reading “True Crime Stories: Baroness de Stempel (and family)”

May 25, 2019

Victoria’s Escort

by Matthew Steeples

Wannabe politician (again) Lady Borwick shares a snap of herself with a onetime male escort to “mature ladies” Benjamin Duncan It wasn’t ‘Victoria’s Secret’ for former Tory MP for Kensington Lady ‘Call Me Victoria’ Borwick this week, but instead ‘Victoria’s Escort’ it seems. A picture, shared with her 213 followers on Instagram, shows this woman … Continue reading “Victoria’s Escort”

May 16, 2019

America’s Black Hole

by Matthew Steeples

The pardoning of Lord Black by President Trump sums up the morally bankrupt hole that is now America The pardoning of Lord Black by President Trump sums up the morally bankrupt hole that is now America   That Lord Black of Crossharbour – a man whose wife once announced: “My extravagance knows no bounds” – … Continue reading “America’s Black Hole”

May 9, 2019

The Carpetbagging Copycat

by Matthew Steeples

The Duchess of Sussex gets mocked on social media after “stealing” James Stunt’s ‘iconic dressing gown look’ to introduce her newly arrived son Yet again ‘Murky Mucky’ just couldn’t help herself. Even on the day she introduced her child to the world, she just had to put her foot in the proverbial. Aside from offending … Continue reading “The Carpetbagging Copycat”

May 6, 2019

Don’t be a mug, vote Toby Jug

by Matthew Steeples

That the late Lord Toby Jug’s approach to politics make more sense than we’ve currently got says a lot about where we are now in Britain Today, The Times published an insightful obituary about the life of Lord Toby Jug (born Brian Borthwick, 18th December 1965 – 2nd May 2019). It is something both Jeremy … Continue reading “Don’t be a mug, vote Toby Jug”

April 30, 2019

The Overdue Duchess

by Matthew Steeples

‘Murky Mucky’ mucks up yet again; is there anything the Duchess of Sussex is capable of getting right? With rumours about Prince William’s extra-curricular activities circulating in America (but barred – unless you’re Giles ‘quickly deletes tweet’ Coren in Britain), ‘Murkly Mucky Markle’ (AKA The Duchess of Sussex) is still trying to grab all the … Continue reading “The Overdue Duchess”

April 23, 2019

A Virile Bentley

by Matthew Steeples

Bentley S1 converted into “the world’s poshest pick-up” to be sold at auction; it was created for a “sperm obsessed” Aussie Earl Described on as a “strange vehicle” and “the world’s poshest pick-up” by The Times, a right-hand drive 1956 Bentley S1 standard steel saloon converted to a “utility vehicle” for the Right Honourable … Continue reading “A Virile Bentley”

March 7, 2019

The Antics of ‘Anth’

by Matthew Steeples

That Anthea Turner continues to behave as if she’s a teenage hottie is quite beyond preposterous   Divorcee Anthea Turner – or ‘F**k I used to be famous’ to her friends – is a woman incapable of behaving appropriately.   On Tuesday, Turner – a woman best known for grubbily posing (for a chunk of … Continue reading “The Antics of ‘Anth’”

February 17, 2019

Tarty Alexa

by Matthew Steeples

The Daily Mail’s reporting of Alexa Chung’s latest ‘launch’ was utterly cringeworthy; why is she considered to be newsworthy?   The Daily Mail just cannot help itself. For them, if Alexa Chung picked up a tea cup, it’d be international news.   Reporting on this model-presenter-and-just-about-everything-else-on-the-planet possible launching a range of sunglasses, the paper this … Continue reading “Tarty Alexa”

February 13, 2019

The Modern Day Marie Antoinette

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples suggests that is wrong that the Duchess of Sussex is being treated as a victim; she chose her path and it is time she accepted that with being a public figure, criticism will follow   Any criticism of “She Who Must Be Obeyed” – AKA the former Meghan Markle – is immediately condemned … Continue reading “The Modern Day Marie Antoinette”

February 11, 2019

Happily Poor

by Matthew Steeples

“Lotto lout” Michael Carroll’s reaction to becoming utterly broke will surprise   Howard Hughes once said: “Money can’t buy happiness” and then someone else later added: “Somehow it’s more comfortable crying in a Porsche than on a bicycle.”   News, therefore, that “Lotto lout” Michael Carroll – a man who blew the £10 million jackpot … Continue reading “Happily Poor”

February 5, 2019

Manic Meghan

by Matthew Steeples

The ‘modern day Mrs Simpson,’ the Duchess of Sussex’s, behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic; she needs to learn to control herself or she will indeed become a true laughing stock   As plain old Meghan Markle, she was known for “carefully planning” publicity stunts on Instagram and elsewhere. ‘Murky Mucky’ likes being in charge but … Continue reading “Manic Meghan”

February 2, 2019

Is That The Chinese Takeaway?

by Matthew Steeples

A tribute to Clive Swift, better known as Richard Bucket in the classic sitcom ‘Keeping Up Appearances’   Some might say: “They don’t make television like they used to” but in the case of Keeping Up Appearances it most definitely is true.   Yesterday, with the death of Liverpool born actor Clive Swift, who played … Continue reading “Is That The Chinese Takeaway?”

January 29, 2019

Wallies of the Week – Foolish Fogle and Joyless Judy

by Matthew Steeples

Ben Fogle and Judy Finnigan are our most worthy Wallies of the Week   Two of the most irritating people to inflict misery on our screens have yet again excelled themselves.   First, booze loving Judy Finnigan admitted in her Daily Express column that she “gulped jolly little bright blue [Ibuprofen] capsules,” developed stomach ulcers … Continue reading “Wallies of the Week – Foolish Fogle and Joyless Judy”

January 27, 2019

Fishwife Ferne

by Matthew Steeples

Reality television ‘star’ and ex-girlfriend of acid thrower Ferne McCann caught hurling drinks at National Television Awards   Ferne McCann and chucking things seem to go together. First, the father of her child was deservedly jailed after attacking 22 innocent people with acid and now it has been revealed that this Brentwood born broad chucked … Continue reading “Fishwife Ferne”

January 21, 2019

Awarding a Pun

by Matthew Steeples

Rat-like party crasher David Pun puts in an appearance at the ‘Mayfair Times’ Awards at Claridge’s   Last night, at Claridge’s, blagger and ligger David Pun put in appearance for the Mayfair Times Awards 2019.   No doubt pretending to be a director of Harvey Nichols, Peninsula Hotels and an architect also, Pun sported his … Continue reading “Awarding a Pun”

January 18, 2019

A Knightsbridge Nuisance

by Matthew Steeples

‘The Steeple Times’ highlights Knightsbridge’s worst nuisance neighbour; meet hotel and leisure fund manager Jochen Schaefer-Suren   Jochen Schaefer-Suren clearly is someone with a passion for harbouring a grudge and an individual prone to intimidating others.   Yesterday, at Kensington Town Hall, this cowardly individual failed to personally to turn up in a case lawyers … Continue reading “A Knightsbridge Nuisance”

January 5, 2019

The Collapse of Chelsea Character

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples celebrates the nicknames of Chelsea’s characters but regrets that the area itself is rapidly being stripped of the very character that made it so appealing   In Chelsea well-known barflies and lavish lunchers have long been given wacky nicknames. Amongst my friends and acquaintances are ‘Steve the Lunch’ (known for planning where to … Continue reading “The Collapse of Chelsea Character”

January 1, 2019

The People of 2018

by Matthew Steeples

The Steeple Times selects the best and worst people of the year past and the ones that’ll be missed   Today, as we wish our readers all the very best for the coming year, we announce the winners and losers of our People of 2018 awards. Here we recall the best, the worst and the … Continue reading “The People of 2018”

December 29, 2018

Brash Beatrice

by Matthew Steeples

Has ‘Tatler’ magazine lost the plot? They’ve named Princess Beatrice one of their “best dressed of the year”   Princess Beatrice is well-known for her fashion fails. From hideous hats to dowdy dresses, the daughter of ‘Randy Andy’ and the Duchess of York rarely fails to deliver a ‘look’ that nobody would want to imitate … Continue reading “Brash Beatrice”

December 24, 2018

The Flaws of Ferne

by Matthew Steeples

Ferne McCann yet again shows herself to be nothing but a vile opportunist; she should be taken off our screens   Ferne McCann undoubtedly proved herself a horror in 2017. On the day Arthur Collins, her former boyfriend and father of her child, was jailed in December that year for hurling acid over 22 innocent … Continue reading “The Flaws of Ferne”

December 22, 2018

(Not So) Mad Friday

by Matthew Steeples

‘Mad Friday’ thankfully calmer than ever in Chelsea reports Matthew Steeples   Last year, as I walked across the Royal Borough in the evening of the day known as ‘Mad Friday’ or ‘Black Friday’ – the Friday before Christmas and the most popular night of the year for the public to go mental on the … Continue reading “(Not So) Mad Friday”

December 19, 2018

Yuletide Stunt

by Matthew Steeples

James Stunt shares his views on his ex-wife and her family, Lord Rothermere and others who’ve caused him ill – be prepared to be surprised at what he has to say   In a 12:28 minute video uploaded to YouTube, James Stunt has produced a Christmas missive in which he shares his thoughts on his … Continue reading “Yuletide Stunt”

December 7, 2018

Wally of the Week – Tom Harwood

by Matthew Steeples

Petulant child Tom Harwood makes a nuisance of himself on ‘Politics Live’ after previously claiming he can singlehandedly defeat ISIS and making comparison of Brexit to using a condom   “Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.” Spike Milligan, Puckoon (1963)   Former leader of the student wing of Vote Leave Tom Harwood describes … Continue reading “Wally of the Week – Tom Harwood”

November 5, 2018

Bog Room Ben

by Matthew Steeples

That Ben Fogle shared his views on “bathroom style” speaks volumes to where he is positioned in society   Yesterday, in The Sunday Times, television presenter Ben Fogle joined the likes of the poker faced interior decorator Kelly Hoppen and shared details of what the paper called “The Bath to Glory.”   God help us … Continue reading “Bog Room Ben”

October 25, 2018

Pun Parties With Police

by Matthew Steeples

David Pun arrested at a party in London   Last night in Mayfair, David Pun was arrested in full view of invited guests. Cuffed and taken to a police station, this renowned party crasher finally was brought to book.   Having pretended to own Harvey Nichols and Peninsula Hotels on occasions, Pun is the very … Continue reading “Pun Parties With Police”

October 22, 2018

Overheard – 22nd October 2018

by Matthew Steeples

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’   Mobile Arabs An Arab sat outside a shisha café on Brompton Road told her friend: “I lost my phone in Harrods today but I went back and they’d found it. Thank God it was Harrods. They’d have been so racist anywhere else but … Continue reading “Overheard – 22nd October 2018”

September 21, 2018

Murky Stirring

by Matthew Steeples

The Duchess of Sussex attempts to morph into a modern day Mary Berry   Mary Berry is annoying enough but now, it seems, there could be a royal attempting to steal this pest’s thunder.   Yesterday at Kensington Palace, accompanied by her “ice-breaker” mother Doria Ragland, the woman formerly known as Meghan Markle launched a … Continue reading “Murky Stirring”

September 19, 2018

Stunt About Town

by Matthew Steeples

James Stunt admits to failing to snare a lady he describes as “a true thoroughbred”   A man capable of getting just about whatever he wants, billionaire and art connoisseur James Stunt has finally met his match in a glamourous and well-connected woman.   Sharing his news with The Steeple Times’ Matthew Steeples, Stunt showed … Continue reading “Stunt About Town”

September 16, 2018

The Talented Tinker

by Matthew Steeples

Actor Dudley Sutton – AKA ‘Lovejoy’s’ Tinker – passes away aged 85 shortly after giving an interview lauding the NHS   The talented actor and regular at the Chelsea Arts Club, Dudley Sutton sadly died yesterday after a short battle with cancer.   Best known for playing Tinker Dill in the brilliant BBC comedy-drama series … Continue reading “The Talented Tinker”

September 15, 2018

Thanks Alexa

by Matthew Steeples

Alexa Chung transitions from “fashion genius” to “fashion designer” and shares her views on Googling and airports; Matthew Steeples asks: “Who’d want to miss such important news?”   Is there nothing that the ‘Queen of Instagram’ (with her 3.1 million followers) Alexa Chung cannot master? This “phenomenon,”  “starlet” and “human” (that’s her very own description … Continue reading “Thanks Alexa”

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