Thursday, April 25, 2024

A Carbonara Calamity – Feckless Fergie & Creepy Christian Crooner Cliff Appear on ‘This Morning’

What was Martin Frizell thinking in allowing carbonara munching Sarah, Duchess of York to guest edit and co-host ‘This Morning’ and what was he thinking in pairing her up with the creepy Christian crooner and “fat shamer” Sir Cliff Richard?

On Monday, notable aubergine loather Martin Frizell continued his “ill-judged” ways and brought two of the most cretinous Brits available onto the show he laughably attempts to “edit” for ITV, This Morning.


Frizell’s especially dreadful pairing? She who happily took loans and other benefits (without necessarily ever repaying) from the since croaked paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, Sarah, Duchess of York, and the creepy Christian crooner known best for crying on his kitchen floor, Sir Cliff Richard. Quite frankly, this choice can only be surmised as one taken by a halfwit.


Frizzell – whom was deservedly condemned by John Nicholson MP as “outrageously dismissive and flippant on camera about [the] immensely serious issue” of the Phillip Schofield scandal back in June during a hearing of the Culture, Media and Sport Committee – is definitely a chap with skin thicker than an aubergine. However, in inviting “needy and greedy” Sarah, Duchess of York to guest edit and co-host ITV1’s flagship morning show, he most certainly scored yet another own goal and most definitely caused another nail to be banged into this tacky show’s coffin.


Featuring a segment in which ‘Feckless Fergie’ apparently decided a winner of Iron Chef UK in 2010 named Marcus Bean should cook her carbonara – a rather simple to make dish she claimed she’d never actually seen being made before – here was an example of a car crash calamity that lasted an excruciating two-and-a-half hours. In it, the live-in ex-wife of non-sweaty ‘Randy’ Prince Andrew laughed like a hyena and pranced like a show pony; she had no idea what she was doing and quite frankly brought shame on her royal relatives.


Whilst one should ask if this tawdry twerp – whom, during a phone-in segment about relationships, crassly advised ‘Suzanne from Newcastle’ to start wearing “saucy underwear sets” to spice up her and her hubby’s somewhat lacking sex lives – had sought out the advice of His Majesty King Charles’s advisors before agreeing to a television ‘outing’ of this type, another question has to be: “How much was this mother of two princesses paid for what could be the first of a series of “co-host” appearances?”


“It’s your show, I’ll be the fluff” giggled the former Sarah Ferguson as the show started. By the end, she was lauded as having “totally undersold [herself]” by a somewhat soppy Dermot O’Leary, but her final guest of choosing just truly illustrated what a prized pillock this wastrel wazzock genuinely, really genuinely is.


Whilst some – myself included in the past – have pointed out that this apologist for a Pizza Express loving prince known best for hanging around with despots and dictators and for paying around £12 million to a woman he allegedly did not have sexual relations often exhibits childish ways in her way of thinking, her description of Devil Woman singer ‘Cliffy’ was yet another in a long line of outings of her appallingly bad judgment.


After bigging-up the one-time mate of the croaked child abuser Rolf Harris as “humble and kind,” the “Peter Pan of Pop” turned nasty. He spoke of how he hadn’t wanted to be photographed with Elvis Presley because “he’d put on weight… If I’m having him hanging on my refrigerator, of course he’s got to look good” and did so in front of a self-professed ‘larger’ lady, Alison Hammond. Then “put in his place,” as the MailOnline’s Laura Parkin referenced the response to the museli muncher, Hammond quipped back: “You should never have put it off just because they’re a little bit heavier… Is that why you don’t want me at your house?” Bizarrely, Fergie didn’t bat an eyelid.


Editor’s note – Unlike as is the case in many publications, this article was NOT sponsored or supported by a third-party. Follow Matthew Steeples on Twitter at @M_Steeples and watch his current nightly show on YouTube at 8pm GMT daily.


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Twitter poll Sarah Duches of York This Morning
On Monday 20th November on Twitter, Matthew Steeples asked: “Is it appropriate for non-sweaty Prince Andrew’s live-in ex-wife Sarah, Duchess of York to lower herself to ‘co-hosting’ funeral queue-jumper’s favourite show ‘This Morning’?” He added the hahtags: #ThisMorning #ITV #Fergie #DuchessOfYork #PrinceAndrew #royal #royalty #outrage #disgrace and of the four available responses, 43.7% favoured the answer: “No – Shameful; Tacky” whilst 33.7% opted for “No – Shows ITV’s decline.” Just 14.2% felt: “Yes – She’s a fun choice” whilst only 8.4% supported: “Yes – She needs the wonga.”
Mirror poll Sarah Duches of York This Morning
On the same day, ‘The Mirror’ asked: “Do you think Cliff Richard’s comments on ‘This Morning’ were inappropriate?” 83% of respondents unsurprisingly answered: “Yes, they were.”

Feckless Fergie’s ‘This Morning’ F**k-up… The Main Moments…

To her This Morning co-hosts Alison Hammond and Dermot O’Leary on Monday 20th November 2023: “We’re on. I’m terrified. It’s your show, I’ll be the fluff.”


Appropriately given her penchant for wonga-wonga (especially from the likes of the late, not-so-great Jeffrey Epstein), whilst spinning a wheel in a game named Spin to Win: “Show me the money.”


Asked by Dermot O’Leary: “Can you just give us a little insight into what Christmas dinner is like with the royal family?” the normally turbo-tongued Fergie answered: “Beans on toast.”


Asked about her relationships with people: “I prefer animals. It’s all about kindness.”


“I think I’ve been around the block. It’s cool to be here, but cool people don’t say it’s cool.”


Of what she gets upto in relationships: “I used to leave love notes…. I love a little note in the pocket. I love the moment where he suddenly or she suddenly puts their hand in the pocket and sees a love note. I used to do that – put them in the squash shoes.”


During a phone-in about relationships whilst playing at being an agony aunt: “Ask me just about anything, ring in about love, relationships, hard times.” (ITV clearly did not allow anyone to phone in about ‘Randy’ Prince Andrew nor the many times ‘Feckless Fergie’ has dragged the royal family’s ‘good name’ through the mire).


Illustrating that she hasn’t a clue how to boil a bowl of pasta, to her carbonara cook, Marcus Bean: “You’re very good looking… Do people really listen to him whilst in the bath?”


“I really love that you have shown me how to [cook carbonara] and that is the first time I have seen it done.”


To a caller, Suzanne from Newcastle, wanting relationship advice: “Yah. Get a lovely saucy underwear set from your chest of drawers, blow dry the hair and take him out on a treat… It’s the element of surprise and it will bring the magic back into your relationship… It needs to be more treats that he’s lost for words.”


“You’ve got this Suzanne and I’m so proud of you calling today and being so brave to ring us. Well done you. Now, get that sexy underwear out.”


To other callers, clearly not realising the ongoing cost of living crisis for most viewers: “There need to be more treats. Treats. Treats. Treats… Lovely, lovely restaurants and lovely hotels.”


To a caller whose husband likes climbing: “You could say: Darling, I’ve booked your favourite place to climb, I will just be, you know, just waiting when you come back, you go climbing and when you come back we can have a lovely weekend with the saucy underwear on… Rekindle.”


Of Artificial Intelligence (AI): “I don’t think anyone watching should be frightened of AI. Maybe, progressing, going forward, it can be a useful tool.”


Of looking after rehomed dogs: “Do you shave the chest first if they are ‘vairy’ hairy?”


Of creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard: “I’m lost for words and that’s just very unlike me… You are a musical treasure… You’re incredible, I can’t get over it, it’s just incredible… All those hip moves.”


“You really are as humble and as kind as you always have been. How do you do that?” (He pompously answered: “For me, it comes easily.”


To the tawdry presenters of ITV1’s Loose Women whilst Gloria Hunniford danced like a fool just before the end of her first This Morning guest edit and co-host session: “I feel like I’m back home again.”


The Media Response…

Stuart Heritage, The Guardian (1 star out of 5): “Sarah Ferguson’s love tips make a doomed show even more disastrous… Can the Duchess of York present TV? Not one bit. Does the Autocue short-circuit her brain? Oh yes. Will she save this sinking ship? Never?”


“Is Sarah Ferguson an experienced television presenter? No she is not. Does she look as if she has ever watched a single episode of daytime television in her life? Also no. Can she read full sentences? On the basis of her performance today, it’s debatable. Did the whole thing stink of a publicity stunt designed purely to drown out the show’s obvious death rattle? God, yes.”


“Clearly, the heroes here are Hammond and O’Leary, two exceptionally safe pairs of hands, who managed to guide Ferguson through the show in the same way you help a drunk friend safely through their front door. The presenters were perfect foils to the duchess throughout and this stupid attention-seeking act would have fallen apart in seconds without them.”


“Let’s be clear, getting Ferguson to host This Morning was a very silly idea. None of it made for good, or even very competent, television. But it did give you the same sort of thrill that you got at school whenever a dog broke through the fence and started running around the playing field. For a show that’s in as much trouble as This Morning is, it just about counts as a victory.”


Tina Campbell for The Standard: “Viewers have been left unimpressed by Sarah, Duchess of York’s ‘painful’ co-hosting debut.”


Jan Moir, Daily Mail: “Sarah, Duchess of York, guest-edited and co-presented a special edition of This Morning (ITV) on Monday. I want to be honest. I want to be kind. Yet when it comes to the Duchess in a live television situation, these two virtues become mutually and volcanically exclusive.”


“From 10am until the show ended, 150 white-knuckle minutes later, the Ferg launching herself on to daytime television, like Icarus in reverse thrust, was every bit as marvelously terrible as I had hoped.”


“Hard to pick a highlight amongst the word-mangling, corgi-wrangling spaghetti cook-in and the interview with Sir Cliff Richard (Fergie: ‘You really are as humble and as kind as you always have been, how do you do that?’ Sir Cliff: ‘For me, it comes easily.’ But her brief turn as a phone-in agony aunt was exquisite.”


“‘Basically she has been around the block and she is here to help,’ said host Dermot O’Leary, making Fergie sound like an obliging pony with a dodgy past and the foamy fetlocks to match – and to be fair, that is not a million miles from the truth.”


“In her green outfit and pixie boots, she looked like Mad Mother Elf, a panto character in search of a plot, which also kind of sums up her life to date… Still, this may have been the most exciting episode of This Morning in the show’s history.”


The Twitter Response…

“Sorry, I tuned out… I haven’t unclenched my fists since 10am.”


“The whole Sarah Ferguson thing is so random and actually quite awkward to watch.”


“Any comment about ‘Mr Humble’ fat shaming Elvis, making Alison having to comment with no support from you [Sarah, Duchess of York] or Dermot? You’ve had terrible things said about your weight, but still groveled to that vile man [Sir Cliff Richard]. State of him.”


“How weird that This Morning got rid of John Leslie, Fred Talbot and Phillip Schofield – but they bring in the paedophile loan taker Sarah Ferguson.”


“‘How do we keep our spark alive?’ … Sarah Ferguson… Letting your husband go on a lads’ holiday. If has a mate with a private island in the Caribbean, that’s ideal. Always used to cheer Andrew right up!”


“Husband said this morning that Sarah, Duchess of York giving relationship advice is like the fox in the hen house teaching chickens.”


“Oh dear, Sarah Ferguson – who “sold Andrew for £500,000 in cash for royal access scandal” – gets her own television programme show. #ThisMorning.”


“So Cliff Richard fat shaming Elvis and saying he didn’t want a photo of him hanging on his fridge forever. After, Sarah Ferguson called him ‘humble.’ What the actual heck?”


“Who on earth thought Sarah Ferguson would make good telly?”


“Sarah Ferguson mentioned on Epstein flight logs, but This Morning wants to hire her. Has anyone asked any questions about this?”


The Previous Weird Words of “Greedy” and “Needy” Freeloader Sarah, Duchess of York…

Sarah, Duchess of York, the live-in ex-wife at Royal Lodge, Windsor of supposedly skint ‘Randy Andy’ – a non-sweating nuisance who got his long-suffering relatives to pay a supposed sum of circa £12 million to Virginia Roberts Giuffre, a woman he has previously claimed to have met – is known for her weird warblings. They number:


Of sex, herself and goats: “One of the worst headlines said 82% [of the population] would rather sleep with a goat than Fergie. It’s never left me.”


Of her writing novels and her style: “Sherlock Holmes meets Peaky Blinders.”


Of the royal family: “They tried to put the little redhead in a cage.”


Of her own family: “I do believe in family unity. I think forgiveness is key.”


Of the Duke of York: “A good man… In 1986, I married a very good man. Zip.”


Of whether she might remarry Prince Andrew: “Oh bless your heart, no. I think we’re great as we are.”


Of supporting her disgraced ex-husband financially: “I will always be there [for Prince Andrew].”


“When Andrew went through a hard time, I used to be able to throw it to ‘The Boss.’”


“Since he stepped back [from royal duties] he doesn’t actually take taxpayers’ money and I’m in a position where I can support him and the rest of the family through my work. And I’m really pleased and proud to do that.”


“All I will say is that for many years now – it started with Budgie the Little Helicopter – I’ve really pushed to look after my girls and to contribute to the York family life.”


Of where she and the Duke of York will end up living in the future: “Honestly, I operate from living in the present. You never get complacent and it makes for a better day because you never get disappointed, then. You look at life and you go, we can adapt, we can be flexible.”


Of whether she might remarry someone else: “I think I’ve got too much baggage. I look at today and if suddenly I find love again, well, that’s another bonus, isn’t it?”


Of her daughters Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie: “Exceptional… I love my girlies, I’m so proud of them. They are exceptional children… If mum’s OK, they’re OK.”


“My daughters come first in my life, they always have. Because I lost my mum so early, I’m subconsciously very present with them. When I brought them up, I always left my problems at the door. Your problem is not their problem – it’s not their fault. We laugh together a lot. We are just very close.”


Of her grandchildren: “I’m ‘Super Gran’… When my grandchildren see me, they immediately laugh because they know I’m going to be up to something, up to no good somewhere.”


“Every time I think about about co-parenting and co-grandparenting and about divorce, marriage and all these different things, I still come back to the principle that the sun will come up tomorrow, and be grateful, just get on with it.”


Of the late Queen Elizabeth II: “For me, she was more a mother than my own mother. Aren’t I the luckiest person alive to have had that great honour? When I was with her, I used to say: ‘I can’t believe it. People wait and put on their best dress to have an audience with you, and I’m wandering around the garden in wellies!’”


“For the whole nation, for the world. Steadfast, consistent, iconic. [She had an] extraordinary ability to put someone at ease. I still now think it was such an honour [to have known her].”


“During the last three years, her poor son [was] going through such a tumultuous time… And I think HM was very relieved I could help her with him, so we became even closer, then.”


“I’m so lucky. All my life, I was lucky enough to know ‘The Boss,’ HM. Like the nation and the world, she was always there. It was like having a hand at your back. It just made you always strive for being better and trying to be better, learning from her, whenever you were with her just taking everything she said as a memory. She was such an incredible legend for us all.”


Of the late Queen’s corgis: “They’re very good boys, they’re very gentle. I think they knew that they weren’t to jump up and be naughty. They used to sit and watch the racing with her. And when you give them a biscuit, they don’t snatch. They’re very special, they’re national treasures.”


“They really make me laugh and the follow me around. Sometimes I break a little ‘biccie’ – a digestive biscuit – in the same way the Queen broke it into little pieces, and give it to them and tell them to remember their boss.”


Of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex: “I have been judged all my life, and I have no judgment on the Sussexes.”


“It must be hard for Meghan and can I relate to her. I believe she is modern and fabulous. She was famous before. She is great. Why can’t Meghan be great? Why can’t she be celebrated? I have been in Meghan’s shoes, and I still am. There’s always a twist of negativity and it just gets so sad and tiring… I abhor bullying and I feel desperately sorry for the pain they must be going through.”


“I believe very strongly that I have absolutely no judgment on any other person’s life, and I look at how much she [Meghan] loves him [Harry] and loves the children and gives him a love that he’s never had before. That’s how I look at it… The most important thing is, Diana would be so very proud of Archie and Lili. She would have adored every moment of it.”

Of King Charles III: “It’s incredible what he’s done for the environment. He was a trailblazer and many years ago, everybody said: ‘What’s he talking about?’ But he’s right. I’m a great believer and supporter of him, as I am of the Queen Consort.”


Of herself and her life: “I have been in the gutter.”


“I’m a brilliant mother. The best mother.”


“I don’t believe that any single person has the right to judge another person. I’m not in a position myself to make any judgments.”


“I’m very steadfast and stoic… I won’t let anyone down. I’m very loyal.”


Being rather wishy-washy: “The most important thing is that the sun will come up tomorrow and the day will move on.”


Of food, family and dining: “As long as it is hot, wet and goes down the right way, it’s fine with me.”


“With every smell, I smell food. With every sight, I see food. I can almost hear food. I want to spade the whole lot through my mouth at Mach 2. Basta!”


“We all sit round the table and eat together. Andrew and I believe in total parent unity. We’re best friends.”


On the coronation of King Charles III: “Well I’ve decided the best thing about British around a coronation – although I’ve never been to one – I think we should, I should set up a tea room at the bottom of the drive with bunting and cakes.”


“Never presume, never assume. I don’t know. But I’ll be there at the end of the drive with a cup of tea if I’m not there.”


Of wanting to be a television star: “I would quite like to go on Dancing With The Stars. I would like somebody to teach me to tango. I do know the show and my children would be so proud of me.”


On Americans: “I divorced, went to America, wrote a book, went on Oprah and did 12 years as the longest running spokesperson of Weight Watchers. I looked to America to support me and to help me and I really can’t thank the American people enough for what they gave me and what they did for me.”


Of when she decided she wanted to bag a royal: “I met [Prince Andrew] when I was 12, and I said: ‘I’m going to marry him.’”


Of marriage, divorce and work: “I left my marriage knowing I’d have to work. I have.”


“I didn’t want a divorce, but had to because of circumstance.”


“I wish we’d never got divorced. He and I both wish we’d never divorced, but we did. I wish I could go back and be the bride again, but I can’t.”


Of her many, many mistakes: “I felt that I ostracised myself by my behaviour, by the past, by living with all the regrets of my mistakes, that I sort of wore a hair shirt and beat myself up most of the day thinking and regretting why did I make such a mistake. Why have I made so many mistakes?”


“You look at the devil in the face, which you do. Then you forgive, and you say: ‘OK, I’ve made almost a mistake that will never be forgotten,’ and forgive.”


“I think the obstacles are the way, as opposed to in the way. I feel very strongly that I completely and utterly own my very naïve self and made endless different wrong decisions, whatever they may be, but in the end, it’s got me to today as an author. I’m a person in my own right, I’m Sarah.”


“I was so out of control with desperation… I was looking for quick fixes in the places I wouldn’t normally look… I’ve been a huge overtrusting, idiotic, stupid woman that went to look for the perfect situation, and that’s all I can say really.”


“I’ve done the work to get to myself. I’ve done masses of mental therapy. I probably reached to the wrong places and the wrong people and made, as you call it, mistakes. I don’t call them mistakes. I call them enormous learning curves.”


Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.



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