Thursday, July 25, 2024

Keep His Kit On Cliff

Sanity reigns as creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard announces “he would no longer be able to pose topless” and will thankfully keep his kit on instead

During an especially soppy saga in April 2020 in which Sir Cliff Richard OBE got hot and bothered about radio stations being “unfair” and “snubbing” his crappy crooning, this Christian crackpot demanded his tiresome tunes be played “once a day for two weeks.” Quite understandably, he didn’t get what he wanted.


In response, at that time, the response to the “held together by Botox” ‘singer’ from one commentator was: “I’m surprised he isn’t like his music – dead already” and now, this morning, The Guardian are finally reporting some better news about this bombastic bore.


In a report that primarily focused on the self-declared “genuine celebrity” 81-year-old having sold more 2022 music calendars than Harry Styles, Kylie Minogue, Little Mix and Taylor Swift, but actually “slipped” from seventh place in overall sales to eleventh in the Calendar Club charts, it was also revealed that “Sir Cliff had informed potential buyers that he would no longer be able to pose topless for calendars.” One immediate response was simply: “Thank bloody God, our eyes are saved.”


Doing one last distasteful turn with little-to-nothing on in his 2022 “offering,” according to the paper, the August shot features Sir Cliff “in only swimming trunks while raising a glass to the camera from the comfort of a swimming pool.” Thankfully, if he sticks to his word, there’ll be no more of that muck in the 2023 edition, though with printed calendar sales slumping just like those of printed diaries, will it even get produced?


Such news has no doubt left Sir Cliff – a wack job warbler perceived to be a “national treasure” by some but loathed by others for his connections to criminals like the late murderer Kray twins, the late paedophile Lord Boothy, the late paedophile Sir Jimmy Savile and the amazingly still just about alive paedophile Rolf Harris – with only one option: Taking a very long summer holiday and returning to creepily crying on his kitchen floor.


Pictured top: Sir Cliff Richard OBE – a moralising moaning Minnie who’ll henceforth thankfully keep his kit on – with his Australian child abuser ‘friend,’ the convicted paedophile Rolf Harris.


Sir Cliff Richard topless
In the past, Harry Rodger Webb, as he was born, has spared no chance to get his top off. Clearly believing himself to be a sex symbol, the ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ and ‘Saviour’s Day’ singer has finally, to the relief of the public, decided to spare us from anymore sights of his Botoxed body. Thank the Lord.
Sir Cliff Richard Loose Women
In November 2016, “Peter Pan of Pop” Sir Cliff Richard revealed that he “cried on his kitchen floor” and announced: “I was weeping, it was just like a deep well. And I got a message from someone that said no hole is deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” In the same year, of his calendar sales, he pompously prattled: “Mine leaves David Beckham standing” and makes Kylie Minogue’s look “meagre.”
Sir Cliff Richard Sir Jimmy Savile
Sir Cliff Richard with the late paedophile Sir Jimmy Savile.
Sir Cliff Richard Lord Boothby
Sir Cliff Richard with the late paedophile Lord Boothby.
Sir Cliff Richard companion John McElynn
Sir Cliff Richard with his “long-term companion,” a former Roman Catholic priest named John McElynn. In his 2009 autobiography, the ‘singer’ remarked: “It has been so rare for me to find friends I know like me for myself, I am not always the best judge of character.” Going further, the goody-two-shoes added: “I’ve never wanted to trash a hotel room. My band always used to say, Cliff never trashes a hotel room. When he goes in, he usually cleans up, hoovers, checks the curtains are straight. I can’t imagine anything more childish than trashing things, which is what a lot of rockers did.”
Sir Cliff Richard Wine Gordon Ramsay
Sir Cliff’s associations with the wines he produces have not always proved fruitful. In 2006, appearing on Gordon Ramsay’s ‘The F-Word,’ the then 75-year old had a meltdown during a blind tasting. After sipping one unnamed offering, the crackpot Christian crooner announced: “That’s rubbish. I wouldn’t pay for that. It’s tainted, it’s insipid, it tastes like vinaigrette. I’d never buy that.” Ramsay, then 49, responded by remarking: “Cliff, that’s your wine.” The singer is said to have answered: “Young man, go f**k yourself.”
Sir Cliff Richard’s recent attempts at making ‘music’ – which one critic slammed more accurately as “nauseous noise” – came in the form of ‘Rise Up.’ It was universally panned and in response the “star” complained that radio stations were being “unfair” in not giving him airtime.
Another shocking moment for this one-time friend of the paedophiles Rolf Harris and Sir Jimmy Savile came in the form of him treating the funeral of Cilla Black like a pop concert. The faces of the priests to the left of him (as he attempted to ‘sing’ in a manner more suited to an appearance on ‘Top Of The Pops’) are telling of their disgust at his discourteous behaviour in a house of worship.
Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


    • Yes, unfortunately it is. I find it really tacky that people applauded him for singing at a funeral, but he appeared to enjoy the drama of it all.

  1. What an obnoxious article from an equally obnoxious writer. If you don’t like Sir Cliff’s calender then don’t buy it – you don’t even have to look at it – simple! Trying to link Sir Cliff with Saville & Rolf Harris is daft – many artists have appeared with them on TOTP or other shows. Steeples should not be allowed to spread evil rumours & is just as dangerous as JS & RH.

  2. Matthew Steeples – a guy who writes articles & cannot even hold a reasonable debate. When he loses an argument by stating absolute rubbish without a shred of evidence, tells people to F off. Perhaps he needs to find another vocation, other than writing baseless rubbish. To say I have no sympathies with victims of Saville, Harris etc. is just as absurd as his article. There are NO victims of Cliff Richard & this was proven easily in court, resulting in apologies from BOTH the Police & the BBC. Someone needs to take Steeples to court for making absurd allegations – let’s hope Sir Cliff decides to do just that.

    • Good luck [email protected] in your quest – we mention nothing of “victims” of Sir Cliff Richard, we mention his friendships with wrong ‘uns. You are clearly a right effing tosspot. Now bog off.

  3. You’re on the right track Matthew, don’t let anyone put you off the trail – the BBC were but that was political.

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