Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Who’s Davy Jones? Rebekah Vardy v Coleen Rooney 2022

Matthew Steeples suggests ‘Wagatha Christie’ Coleen Rooney is made of more grit than ‘Chatty Rat’ Rebekah Vardy; that the latter asked “Who’s Davy Jones?” and turned on the tears in court is simply illustrative that she’s a true own goaler

After reading of Rebekah Vardy putting on an Amber Heard-like crocodile tears display at the Royal Courts of Justice yesterday, I thought I’d put up a poll on Twitter to enquire as to if the public expect a similarly soppy repeat from her nemesis ‘Wagatha Christie’ Coleen Rooney today.

In the anything but scientific survey, I asked: “Will Coleen Rooney ‘pull a Rebekah Vardy’ and turn on the tears as she gives evidence at the Royal Courts of Justice today?” Thus far, the overwhelming response is that the “granny shagger’s” wife will most certainly not. “Ice cold Miss Marple,” the public clearly believe, will be the dignified stance that the former Miss McLoughlin will display today as she faces a truly la-la leaker.


As forgetful as the mendacious minx Meghan Markle when it comes to details and prone to associating with people who conveniently drop mobile telephone devices in the North Sea, thrice-married Vardy’s attempts to gain support by blubbing went down – as one could only expect in a nation where one is meant to grit one’s teeth rather than pathetically sob – like a proverbial lead balloon.


Like grubby grabber Ghislaine Maxwell – who did “monster moves” and giggled with the guards she claimed had also abused her – the antics of Vardy are nothing but those of someone obsessed with having her cake and eating it. Here is a sieve-like woman and here is someone prepared even to selfishly chuck her former adviser Caroline Watt “under the bus.”


Told that the missing mobile was “lying at the bottom of the sea in Davy Jones’s locker” by Rooney’s lawyer David Sherborne, emoji loving Vardy illustrated that she’d not paid attention when watching the Pirates of the Caribbean and clearly isn’t a fan of Johnny Depp either. She asked the court: “Who is Davy Jones?” and of this, The Guardian pointedly parroted: “The judge intervened to explain the reference.”


Football’s equivalent of Downing Street’s ‘Chatty Rat’ Henry Newman, even if she by a remarkable chance wins, won’t break even on this pointless and pathetic case and that she has already spent over £1 million in legal fees alone is simply beyond bonkers. Now, there’s a reason for tears before breakfast and today I join those suggesting that the former I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! contestant bloody well just does the sensible thing and bites out her poisonous tongue.


The blabbing blubber that is the wife of the bottom-of-the-bootleg-rum-barrel Leicester City striker Jamie Vardy would do better instead to gather whatever mates she’s got left. They should down a bottle or three of the WAGs and wazzocks’ favourite tipple, Whispering Angel, and finally – as she staggers into the hell of hangover land – she ought to realise that the case she brought is now nothing but a laughable and very costly own goal.


Meanwhile, the ‘Modern Day Miss Marple’ that has morphed into the wonder that is Coleen Rooney now must show her grit and resolve and simply finish the game. It’s time to send the dippy dumbo Rebekah Vardy ‘orf!


‘Wagatha Christie’ – One, ‘Chatty Rebekah’ – Nil.


Pictured top (from left to right) – The dimwitted dolly-bird who has morphed into a ‘Modern Day Miss Marple’ that is Coleen Rooney, Davy Jones and football’s ‘Chatty Rat’ Rebekah Vardy.


Amber Heard
Given her past performances at the Royal Courts of Justice, where David Sherborne was also present, Amber Heard could easily have been drafted in to teach Rebekah Vardy a thing or two about turning on the tears in the courtroom.
Henry Newman Carrie Johnson Dilyn
Henry Newman Carrie Johnson Dilyn
Equally, given her clearly wicked ways with texting and WhatsApp-ing, Carie Johnson and her ‘Chatty Rat’ bestie Henry Newman could teach the Leicester City striker’s wife a thing or two about how to pugnaciously plan and deviantly dodge.
Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


  1. What a load of wasted money this case has taken. I can’t get past the fact that millions of pounds has been spent boosting their egos. Not sure Rebecka Vardy was thinking straight, because if there is any such thing as “old money” in football (!) Colleen has it. Rebecca should have issued a grovelling apology, and moved on. But they have far more money than sense.


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