Friday, May 13, 2022

A Horse Named For Rooney

In the wake of his latest alleged sexual antics scandal, granny grabbing Wayne Rooney gets amusing suggestions for what he’d be called if he was a racehorse

Chavtastic footballer Wayne Rooney and Downton Abbey actor Hugh Bonneville share a liking for two extra-curricular activities: Horse racing and entertaining grannies.



Whilst Rooney’s £200,000 investment in three horses produced just one win according to a report in 2013, a horse that Bonneville invested in as part of the Highclere Thoroughbred Racing Petrushka Syndicate had a “fantastic ride” and got a “super” result in the same year.


Now, after later forays into racing in 2014 and in the wake of the Derby County manager being photographed sleeping whilst women mooned next to him, a post on Twitter by The Winners Enclosure that asked: “If Wayne Rooney was a racehorse… What would you call him?” has gone viral.



The responses are brilliant and today we join all those suggesting that rather than seeking an injunction, it would be better if Rooney and Bonneville for a bit of tag-teaming on the turf.


Hugh Bonneville
Hugh Bonneville and Wayne Rooney have more in common than one might imagine. Isn’t it super that they both like horses, entertainment and grandmothers?
Patricia Tierney
In 2004, Rooney allegedly bedded a 48-year-old rubber catsuit wearing granny named Patricia Tierney. Amusingly she is nicknamed the ‘Auld Slapper.’ When exposed, the footballer remarked: “My life is in ruins… I’ve been so stupid.” Notably “kinky” Tierney’s husband, Joe, responded in 2007 by remarking: “All people will remember is the court case which decided my wife is a prostitute” after she lost a £750,000 libel case where she tried to prove she wasn’t a £45-a-time sex worker.

Twitter Answers: “If Wayne Rooney was a racehorse… What would you call him?”

The footballer bought two horses when he was 17. He tried to call them ‘Hoof Hearted’ and ‘Norfolk Enchants,’ but the Jockey Club rejected these names.


Twitter users have gone wild suggesting new names for horses for him after ‘moon-gate’ and amongst them are:


Sleepy Wayne


Granny Shaggar


Shag A Nan A Lot


OAP Rooney


Mooney Rooney


Nanny Rider




Granny Basher


Granny Grinder




Coleen’s Blindspot


Nan Nan Nan Batman


Granny’s Little Secret


Dirty Wayne






Chasing Granny


Grandma’s Flat


The ex-Man United striker turned Derby County manager is no doubt in the dog house – or perhaps in one the many stables at his palatial new McMansion – after his latest antics. Meanwhile, his wife, Coleen (AKA ‘Wagatha Christie’), is said to be on holiday in Wales. This morning, the ‘Daily Record’ reported: “Coleen will stand by her man” and believes ‘Sleepy Wayne’ has “been the victim of a stitch-up.”
In 2012, the then Man United striker’s horse, Yourartisonfire (pictured in yellow, far right), won as favourite at 6/4 at Haydock Park.
Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


    • Awfully Good. First Commentator to get that in with a furlong to go gets a gong and the George Medal for services to Social Comment.

  1. Do NOT send him Down Under!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our Sheilas must be protected from this granny shagger and must also be protected from the wicked also naughty boy Bonneville!!!!!!!!!!! We know they share a mutual love of granny!!!!!!!!!!!!


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