That the ‘Mirror’ focused on the non-story of a man changing his name to Celine Dion to start 2021 is beyond ridiculous
Evidence of the 1st January 2021 being a slow news day was provided by the Mirror’s decision to publish a non-story about a 30-year-old man who supposedly got drunk whilst watching Céline Dion on the telly box and changed his name to hers.
Thomas Dodd, a supposed “super fan” of the utterly irritating My Heart Will Go On crooner claimed the alcohol “must have given him [the] great idea” and told the paper’s Daniel Newbould and Luke Matthews:
“I am slightly obsessed with her, I’m not going to lie. During lockdown I’ve been watching a lot of live concerts on the TV. I can only think I’ve been watching one of hers and had a ‘great idea’ after a few drinks.”
According to the report, the man formerly known as Thomas Dodd spent £89 to make “the title become official, and even splashed out on eight extra certificates as proof of his new identity, adding he’s now able to see the funny side after dealing with the initial shock.”
“I walked in from work and there was a big white envelope with ‘do not bend’ written across it. I nearly passed out in my kitchen when I opened it.”
“My initial concern was how on earth do I tell the HR department at work that I need to change my email footer? Now I’m thinking it could be a great way to get backstage.”
“I’m just praying I don’t get pulled over by the police for anything – that could get awkward. More annoyingly I’ve paid for eight extra certificates to prove it and they are £10 each.”
“My mother didn’t see the funny side though. I did explain it could be worse and it could’ve been Boris Johnson – we’re just lucky he doesn’t have any live concerts. She’s laughing about it now.”
“I’ve not really thought too far ahead. I’m a little concerned that if I start telling people my name is Céline Dion I’ll get sectioned. However, it may come with its perks.”
“I’ll figure it out, I’m not rushing to change it back that’s for sure.”
“I tried singing Céline in the shower this morning and I can assure everyone I haven’t inherited her voice or bank balance. If this gets to Céline, someone best make sure I have a defibrillator next to me.”
When not belting out Falling Into You or Taking Chances, Céline Dion or Thomas Dodd (or whatever he decides to call himself next to get another outing in a red-topped rag) works as a hospitality manager in Clifton Campville, Staffordshire.