Monday, April 22, 2024

Woottoning Up Appearances – Disgraceful Deadbeat Dan Wootton

As dastardly deadbeat Dan Wootton makes a pillock of himself yet again, Matthew Steeples reminds of his vicious spitefulness to the utterly delightful international sensations Susan Boyle and Johnny Depp

Susan Boyle personifies everything that the fictional Hyacinth Bucket of the sadly disgracefully ‘cancelled’ BBC series Keeping Up Appearances would have aspired to be. Hyacinth may have loved to ‘trill’ to her admittedly petrified local vicar, but Susan delighted a nation (and even him of the very high ‘troosers’ Simon Cowell) with her rendition of I Dreamed a Dream back in April 2009. She is unsurprisingly an international treasure and loved by old and young throughout Britain and beyond.


Though both came from humble backgrounds and were raised on council estates, Hyacinth aspired and believed she was destined for grander things. Hyacinth truly wanted a Mercedes and a pony paddock like her sister Violet, yet when modest-to-her-core Susan bought what she termed a “posh house,” she decided only to use it for rehearsing. This down-to-earth delight instead decided she’d rather be back in the humble familial home where she grew up with her eight siblings.


Both active volunteers in their local churches and both passionate nationalists, here are two ladies of stature that the world came to love and here today I remind of a rat-not-a-man who had the audacity to be malicious about the undoubtedly more famous of the two. That rotten rat? His name is Dan Wootton.


Wootton is someone who has been doing the rounds on social media in recent days as it seems there’s a bit of a whiff about him. An openly gay journalist who has second chances galore at everywhere from the Mail to The Sun and someone forced to harbour currently at the Titanic vessel-like GB News, this New Zealander once had the audacity to call the completely harmless Miss Boyle “volatile.” If that was not bad enough, this tepid toerag added: “[She’s] forced to shop at Tesco and travel by bus.”


A kind of kookier-than-kooky combo of both the leftie loon Chavs author Owen Jones and the appropriately named grimmer than grim right-wing rang Darren Grimes, Wootton firstly got it wrong when he described a lady diagnosed with Asperger syndrome in this way. In doing so, he simply illustrated that he’s nothing but the kind of nasty stain on humanity that one wouldn’t want on their cheapest of penny loafers, but also got it wrong when he had a pop at ordinary, decent folk who perfectly reasonably find themselves shopping at Tesco and ordinary, decent folk who cannot afford to travel in luscious limousines.


Far from being a high roller in a fat Phantom himself, this cretinous creep went further in slamming the legendary actor Johnny Depp as a “wife beater.” That didn’t go so well for him, but in their revelations this week Byline Times pulled a blinder when they “unmasked” this pointless prattler – whose other identities allegedly include “Martin Branning” (a combo of the names of two EastEnders character’s names supposedly) – as allegedly being involved in what they termed a “cash-for-sexual-catfishing scandal.” ‘Lady of the house speaking’ Hyacinth and sensational songstress Susan certainly wouldn’t be having any of that in their orbit. No candlelit suppers for Dan Wootton anytime soon.


Editor’s note – Unlike as is the case in many publications, this article was NOT sponsored or supported by a third-party. Follow Matthew Steeples on Twitter at @M_Steeples.


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On his ‘GB News’ show last night in a 6:07-minute rant, Dan Wootton rabidly raged: “Dark forces are trying to take us out. Because ‘GB News’ is the biggest threat to the establishment!” whilst trying to defend his own reputation. This ridiculous ratbag wore a shirt fit only for the bin, a jacket that would be rejected at a charity shop and looked as if he hadn’t slept in a week. “I’m coming on air tonight with a lot of humility… I am opening the gates of hell on my life,” began a disgusting delusional dimwit who previously dared to make vile remarks about Susan Boyle and Johnny Depp before continuing: “We are a family here.” More like a family from hell.”
A truly wonderful story of delight (by contrast) – In April 2009, contrasting with the noxious nitwit Wootton, Susan Boyle delighted the nation when she auditioned for ‘Britain’s Got Talent.’ It became the “most famous audition in history” and was “viewed by millions in days.” Here was a woman, honest to her core who talked her cat Pebbles, how she’d never been married and how she “always wanted to perform before a big audience.” She told Simon Cowell that she wanted to be as big as Elaine Paige and then she made even Piers Morgan smile. Ant and Dec or was it Dec and Ant observed: “You didn’t expect that, did ya?” Here is someone who shouldn’t have to had put up with the nasty, noxious nonsense of Dan Wootton; here is a lady we all quite rightly will love and laud forever.
Dame Patricia Routledge as Hyacinth Bucket’s ‘This Is Not The Chinese Takeaway’ series is one of the best example of comedy genius in the BBC’s history. It is a shame that ‘Auntie’ is seeking to cancel this wonderful moment. Instead of “kindly clearing this line,” it would be best to “put the telephone back up her jumper” and bring back Hyacinth.
Dan Wootton Hyacinth Bucket Susan Boyle Patricia Routledge
Dan Wootton has previously attempted to make himself look jovial and genial. Instead, the two jolly ladies out there – one of whom he dared to insult – are pictured here looking as jovial and genial as they genuinely actually are. He is nothing but pond scum by comparison.
Johnny Depp Susan Boyle
Johnny Depp and Susan Boyle – Two international legends completely different to the former ‘The Sun’ and ‘The Mail’ journalist that dared to insult them.
Dan Wootton angry
This morning, ‘Fawlty Towers’ star John Cleese urged the “mainstream press” to “check out” the allegations of inappropriate behaviour against his “future ‘GB News’ colleague’ and in doing so proved that it’s not just Wootton’s enemies, but also those working alongside him that have questions about this nasty piece of toerag. Cleese tweeted: “If they [the mainstream press] give this the ‘Boris’s phone’ treatment, it is final proof of their complete corruption.”
Omid Scobie Dan Wootton Meghan Markle
Gob-on-a-rod Dan Wootton is someone who deserves to be told to “rod off.” He has latched onto the coattails of every kind of story and be it Caroline Flack’s death or ‘Megexit,’ his opinions always end up viewed as being beyond toxic. Though I’m loathe to laud him, Chris Bryant MP was right in once describing him as a “dangerous conspiracy theorist.”
Dan Wootton Amanda Plattell
Send them home – Dan Wootton, quite frankly, should be deported along with his fellow Antipodean trashbag twerp twaddle spreader Amanda Plattell. That the latter continued to support the serial paedophile Rolf Harris in the way she did speaks volumes as to the ‘qualities’ of these dear friends.

Delusional Dan Wootton’s not-so ‘finest’ moments

On Dominic Cummings (who’d probably have preferred even Katie Hopkins as a defender) – “Make no mistake, the establishment is out to get Dominic Cummings… I despair.”


On footballer David Beckham and his singer turned fashion designer wife Victoria (whose fans responded with fury) – “Weird and creepy.”


On singer George Shelley (whose unsurprisingly fans got equally upset) – “[He’s] done a Tom Daley and come out as bisexual.”


On singer Susan Boyle (whose management hit back with denial) – “Volatile… Forced to shop Tesco and travel by bus.”


On political activist and Novara Media editor Ash Sarkar (before he “shut her down” during a “fiery conversation”) – “Grasping.”


On Celebrity Masterchef winner Emma Kennedy (who reported him to Ofcom and threated to sue him with the help of Carter Ruck) –“Deranged Boris hater.”


On actor Johnny Depp (who sued him for defamation) – “Wife beater.”


Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


  1. Never liked this man or the way he presented news. Now I know he made such comments about Susan Boyle I will never watch him again. Seriously, who the hell does he think he is?

  2. Absolutely detest wingebag wooton. Nothing wrong with Susan boyle. She is absolute salt of the earth. He should bog off back to new Zealand.

  3. Nasty person.face full of spite and a extremely devious way about him !
    Give me a dozen susan boyles any day id even carry her shopping and let her have the window seat on the bus .
    Dan and his enablers need to be brought to justice ,my only wish is that someome who cannot be blackmailed or bribed can start by taking him to court then let t snow ball !


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