Wednesday, May 29, 2024
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TIPPLE & FARE

A Peeved Pensioner

Angry granny Mary Ingamells contacts press to complain about finding a piece of wood in a tin of Tesco carrots and peas; she can also still feel a piece of orange in her throat...

Ask Charlie – How to perfect a Sunday roast

New columnist Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her tips as to how to cook a perfect Sunday roast A Sunday roast is the perfect time to leave your phones to one side, turn off...

A Tale of Two Lukes

Luke Johnson is wrong to urge consumers to embrace alcohol free spirits whilst Luke Jones was right to urge them to love martinis Under Luke Johnson’s reign Patisserie Valerie collapsed. He claimed the experience of...

More Matters of Marmalade

The debate over marmalade making and longevity continues in the ‘Guardian’ with a letter from a 74-year-old In the Guardian, the correlation of marmalade making and longevity continues in their letters pages.   The latest:   My husband will...

Death by Mixed Grill

Brewers Fayre mixed grill steak, gammon, fried eggs, chicken breast, pork sausage, chips, onion rings, grilled tomato and peas combo kills woman; five other gruesome culinary deaths A Welsh woman named Karen Hopkins – not...

A Matter of Marmalade

Readers of the ‘Guardian’ share their amusing stories correlating longevity and marmalade During the last month, the Guardian has published a series of letters about old people and marmalade.   Amusingly, in them, the correspondents reference how...

Heroes of the Hour – The Dreadnought

Edinburgh pub that has banned men with bare ankles and suggests alcohol free gin to be nothing but overpriced cordial is to be saluted Men who wear loafers without socks (termed “mankles,” we’ll have you...

Draconian Drinking

Brexit bore Tim Martin, chairman of Wetherspoons yet again shows himself to be a draconian drip; what will this nutty nuisance ban next? On Monday, the deranged dimwit Tim Martin, chairman of the J. D....

Name & Shame – Fergie’s (Fat) Farm

Sarah, Duchess of York should be ashamed of her latest attempt to profit from her (former) royal status Sarah, Duchess of York (AKA ‘Fergie’) just cannot help herself. When not describing her former husband’s links...

Food Fury – Tezza The Steak Terror

Angry supposedly homophobic ex-Labour councillor contacts his local newspaper to rant about buying supposedly rotten meat in Morrisons There are people with too much time on their hands and then there’s Terry Lawton from Tollesby,...

Hero of the Hour – Alain Ducasse

French chef Alain Ducasse is right to condemn Dry January and to suggest diners drink more, not less January is frankly the month when people should drink more, not less. It is a month solicitors...

Chelsea’s Chicken McNugget Girls

It’s no longer “Who Sloanes Wins” in Chelsea; welcome to the 2020s in SW3 – and the arrival of an age of vulgarity and coarseness Chelsea used to be the land of Peter York’s Sloane...

Raising a Toast to Ginuary

Matthew Steeples suggests readers avoid ‘Veganuary’ and instead take up ‘Ginuary’ this month ‘Veganuary’ is all the rage at the moment. Articles about it abound and the blessed pest, the-ex-she turned somebody-of-undefined sex (‘Gender X’...

It’s a NO to New Year’s Day Dining

Matthew Steeples comes to concur that dining out on New Year’s Day is an utterly stupid idea (unless you want food poisoning) Last week on the BBC’s Saturday Kitchen, a guest chef was asked about...

Moron of the Moment – Jordi Casamitjana

Sacked League Against Cruel Sports employee Jordi Camamitjana is the personification of crazy for seeking to have “ethical veganism recognised as a protected philosophical belief” Jordi Casamitjana believes in what he calls ‘T-shirting.’ He always...

Brazen Bigoted Baroness’ Boxing Day Baloney

Bigoted ‘baroness’ Marie Claire von Alvensleben, famed for rolling around on the floor with disgraced TV star Michael Barrymore, spotted bargaining (unsuccessfully) in the Queen’s grocers Convicted racist, drunk and bedraggled-pissed-up-lying-on-the-floor with he-who’s-yet-to-explain-a-death-in-swimming-pool Michael Barrymore,...

Anth Gets “A Bit Silly”

Scrooge-like Anthea Turner patronises the public yet again and announces she’ll be serving chicken rather than turkey this Christmas “Hardly on the breadline” Anthea Turner likes excess. This anything but frugal self-publicist’s marital homes included...

The Greatness of Gary

The early demise of the master of modern British cuisine Gary Rhodes is truly a loss to be lamented “Chef’s chef” Gary Rhodes OBE, unlike many of his contemporaries, was a gentleman.   Kind to his core...

Martin’s Gone Bananas

Yet more proof that the J. D. Wetherspoon pub chain is to be avoided is revealed… Aside from European booze and dogs being banned, you might meet reckless, boozed-up mothers and bigots also J. D....

A Quid For A Pub

Detached Essex pub put up for sale for less than the price of half a pint just as “Britain’s best pub” celebrates 20 years of success The great British institution that is the public house...

Wally of the Week – Tim Martin

JD Wetherspoon’s should be punished for spending nearly £100,000 on pro-Brexit beer mats at the behest of Tim Martin Tim Martin is an odious man and he’s also highly irritating. That is for sure, but...

A Gingerly Roller

1927 Rolls-Royce Phantom I originally owned by Edward VIII for sale; it comes with a bottle of Berry Bros. & Rudd’s The Kings Ginger Richard Biddulph of Vintage & Prestige Classic Cars gives away a...

Motoring Gin

Grade I listed Jacobean manor house on the Dorset-Somerset border for sale for the price of 170,000 bottles of gin; it comes with its own distillery and a private car museum also Owned by the...

Gaylord Gone

Iconic “Fawlty Towers-esque” Indian restaurant Gaylord in Mortimer Street, W1 permanently closes due to cockroach infestation After being served with a hygiene emergency prohibition notice in August due to it having a “serious infestation of cockroaches,”...

Anth’ Takes A Second Bite

Anthea Turner’s second wedding will forever be remembered for pictures of her biting into a Cadbury’s Flake; her third is going to be eternally linked to her fiancé’s policeman biting habit ‘Fuck I Used To...

Eating Over The Cliff

Sir Cliff Richard wins a phallic victory against the BBC and remains left out of pocket; elsewhere the condescening crooner went overboard with a menu that included three salmon dishes When he’s not crying on...

A Planted Prat

That Lewis Hamilton has chosen to open a “planet friendly” restaurant is surely a joke given his penchant for gas guzzlers Lewis Hamilton is best known for going fast in gas guzzlers, but now it...

The Dirty Diplomat

Belgravia hotel The Diplomat, which counts the helmet haired racist bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben amongst its residents, has been condemned for being utterly disgusting.

Maxwell Moves On

Murky madam Ghislaine Maxwell spotted munching on a burger whilst reading a book about deaths linked to the CIA Hiding out in the Cundy Street Flats in Belgravia didn’t work out for Ghislaine Maxwell. Plainly...

The Aisle Eater

Britain’s most upmarket supermarket gets a visit from a woman who likes to help herself and eat in the aisles (in the presence of the racist bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben even) One can excuse...

Tiggers & Angels

New wine tribes identified as ‘Tiggers’ and ‘Angels’ reports Matthew Steeples; both are to be avoided at all costs (unless you are the modern day Boycie)   The label ‘Tigger’ was for a short time earlier...

The Snottiest Restaurant in The World

New York restaurant that Googles any wannabe diner to see if they are rich enough has to be the most snotty dining spot in the world Fleming by Le Bilboquet is a New York restaurant...