Thursday, May 12, 2022

Carrie Doesn’t Live Here Anymore – PM Wife Missing 2022

It seems “Carrie doesn’t live here anymore” has become the likely fate of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s currently missing wine chucking puppet mistress as “Where is Carrie Johnson?” trends on Twitter

Conspicuously absent even before her spokesperson shared that she “apologises unreservedly” for breaching lockdown rules in a statement on 12th April, the Prime Minister’s latest ‘baby mama’s’ is on the missing list.

 

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The wench formerly known as Miss Symonds did not even emerge last Thursday to accompany her husband to vote in the local elections and in turn social media has gone into overdrive asking: “Where is Carrie Johnson?”

 

Speculation online has been wild and aside from suggestions that she might have gone off to her mates in Russia, other most likely far-fetched ideas number that:

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  • She’s run off with her ex-lover Oliver Haiste.
  • She’s discovered Boris Johnson having an affair with a cabinet colleague and having chucked more wine at him, moved out.
  • Gone off to rescue the convicted sex offender and mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell; Miss Maxwell used to fund Mrs Johnson’s onetime employers, the Oceana charity.
  • Defected to support Labour and Sir Keir Starmer.
  • It wasn’t Rishi Sunak’s removal van that visited Downing Street recently, but instead hers.
  • Been put in rehab; she does have a history of chucking wine and the police being called.
  • Moved in with her husband’s arch nemesis Dominic Cummings.
  • Gone organic dining with Lady ‘Doors To Manual’ Bamford – whose firm supplied her with £27,000 worth of organic nosh during the 2020 lockdowns.
  • Been mauled to death by her aggressive terrier, Dilyn.
  • Been buried Brookside style under the ‘Partygate’ patio in the Downing Street garden.
  • Turned her ‘Chatty Rat’ ABBA dancing chum Henry Newman straight.
  • Sailed away with The Right Honourable The Lord Lebedev of Hampton in the London Borough of Richmond upon Thames and of Siberia in the Russian Federation.
  • Gone decorating with Lulu Lytle; her of ‘Wallpapergate’ fame.
  • And finally, been taken away by creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard – whose 1979 hit was all about someone of her name having gone missing.

 

Rather like a future line of inquiry for the Where’s Wally? series, the mystery of what has happened to Prime Minister’s current wife remains an open investigation.

 

Pictured top – Cliff Richard showing photos of his missing ‘conquest’ in the video for ‘Carrie’ (left) and a mocked-up image of a Metropolitan Police missing persons’ poster featuring the former Miss Symonds that has been doing the rounds on Twitter (right).

 

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Reactions To Boris Johnson’s Wife Going Missing on Twitter

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Sir Cliff Richard’s Creepy 1979 Song

Released in December 1979 as the third single lifted from the Rock ‘n’ Roll Juvenile album, ‘Carrie’ reached number four in the UK Singles Chart and “became an international hit.”

 

It was written by Terry Britten and Brian A. Robertson and of it the latter once remarked: “The strength of the song comes from the fact that you’re never quite sure what it’s about. You don’t know whether Carrie is homeless or whether she’s squatting or what. You don’t know whether Cliff, as the narrator, is the husband, boyfriend, lover, brother or father. Nowhere does the song say what the relationship with Carrie is. It’s very mysterious and musically it falls in the same groove as ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine.’”

 

Taking an alternative view, AllMusic journalist Dave Thompson suggested of the song: “[It’s] a deliberately sinister and enthrallingly atmospheric number… [It] could sound trite” whilst the crackpot crooner ‘Cliffy’ himself told The Mail on Sunday of it in November 2008:

 

“It’s a mysterious song because you never really know what it’s about. A guy turns up in the neighborhood asking where Carrie is. The very last line goes: ‘Carrie doesn’t live, doesn’t live…’ You’re left thinking: ‘Is she dead? Has she been murdered?’”

 

Sorry to disturb you

But I was in the neighborhood

About a friend, I’ve her picture

Could you take a look?

 

Oh, I appreciate you’re busy

And time is not your own

Yeah, maybe it would be better

If I telephoned

 

Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie)

Carrie used to room on the second floor

(On the second)

Sorry that she left no forwarding address

That was known to me

 

So, Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie)

You could always ask at the corner store

(Could ask)

Carrie had a date with her own kind of fate

It’s plain to see

 

Another missing person

One of many we assume

The young wear their freedom

Like cheap perfume

 

Returning my call

(To help the situation)

They’ve nothing at all

You’re just another message

On a pay phone wall

 

Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie)

Carrie used to room on the second floor

(On the second)

Sorry that she left no forwarding address

That was known to me, Carrie

 

Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie doesn’t live, doesn’t live here anymore)

Carrie used to room on the second floor

(On the second)

Sorry, Carrie left no forwarding address

It’s a mystery

 

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Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.

2 COMMENTS

  1. I wonder if Brian A Robertson is the same person B A Robertson who sang the hit song BANG BANG in the 80’s? Maybe poor old Carrie was shot. I wonder what she witnessed? What your back Glo🥴

  2. Carrie has gone to America to star in Stephen Kings follow up film “Carrie2” she I’d very keen to be known as a thespian from now on. And no, that’s not included in the LGBTBQLT ( etc., tbc) community YET!

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