Wednesday, December 28, 2022

Don’t Come On Carrie!

Matthew Steeples argues that Daniel Johnson’s “Come on Carrie: your country needs you!” call to Boris Johnson’s wine chucking latest baby mama is nothing but claptrap

The Article is one of those online titles that one can dip into from time to time and find an array of opinions about politics. It claims to show “the world in all its shades of grey” and though that’s not meant in a ‘John Major style’ (thank the Lord), the publication’s attempts to “see a story from every angle” is indeed refreshing.


Yesterday, however, the title’s editor Daniel Johnson – the brother of the controversial right-wing Vote Leave and anti-lockdown COVID Recovery Group funding former owner of the Pizza Express group Luke Johnson – penned quite frankly the most bizarre article known to man.


Daniel Johnson, also a founding editor of Standpoint and described by the Independent as having “the air of a classics don” and listed on Wikipedia for having “asserted that Islam in not a peaceful religion,” asked: “Why isn’t the Prime Minister calling for a post-Covid catch-up campaign [for British school children]?” He then turned to what he believes should happen in the wake of Prince Philip’s funeral tomorrow.


Bizarrely and from utterly nowhere, the journalist went off on a seriously odd tangent and declared:


“Our sympathy for the Royal Family is all the greater because this has been a sad time for so many others, too. After so many funerals, a wedding would not come amiss. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a divorced man in possession of the good fortune to be Prime Minister must be in want of a wife.”


“Next month Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds will have been engaged for 18 months. Once the restrictions on weddings have been lifted in June, there is nothing to stop them getting married. Not everyone would rejoice, but most people would wish them well. Royal weddings happen regularly; prime ministerial ones are rare birds. Indeed, the last time a Prime Minister tied the knot while in office was in 1822, when Lord Liverpool remarried after being widowed.”


“If a week is a long time in politics, two centuries is an aeon. There are many reasons why Boris might be hesitant, but his fiancée is no shrinking violet and is quite capable of insisting that the time has come. Little Wilfred is growing fast. The nation needs cheering up. Come on, Carrie: your country needs you!”


Aside from the fact that most of the nation would prefer Prime Minister Johnson to be focusing on getting the current out of the Covid crisis and fixing our economy, ‘Journalist Johnson’ misses the point entirely about the country’s thoughts about our serial shagging head honcho.


Whilst Tory sleaze – with the Greenshill scandal and the likes of Matt Hancock handing out multi-million pound contracts willy-nilly to his mates – is dominating the headlines, I’d argue that our country needs a little less of ‘Costly Carrie’ and not a bit more. With her penchant for £200,000 “monstrous” interior design makeovers and £12,500 deliveries of food from ritzy Daylesford, here is a Barbara Amiel-esque wastrel completely out of touch with the nation.


A wedding for Carrie Symonds would certainly cement the status of a wine chucking wench with a penchant for hanging around with members of the far-right Traditional Britain Group and working for organisations supported by the deservedly incarcerated mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell, but what would it actually do for the great British public?


“Absolutely nothing” is frankly the only acceptable answer.




Don’t Come On Carrie! The nation does NOT need Carrie Symonds – Matthew Steeples argues that Daniel Johnson’s “Come on, Carrie: your country needs you!” call to Boris Johnson’s wine chucking latest baby mama is nothing but claptrap.
Don’t Come On Carrie! Boris Johnson’s current squeeze Carrie Symonds was described by her alleged spreader of fake news about Russia ex-boyfriend Oliver Haiste (sometimes spelt ‘Haste’) as: “Any relationship with Carrie or friendship with Carrie is very intense and can often burn brightly… Never boring… Tumultuous… Intense and passionate… That passion can work the other way when she is not happy with you… It’s the most up and down relationship I have had.”
Don’t Come On Carrie! The nation does NOT need Carrie Symonds – Matthew Steeples argues that Daniel Johnson’s “Come on, Carrie: your country needs you!” call to Boris Johnson’s wine chucking latest baby mama is nothing but claptrap.
Don’t Come On Carrie! Rumours of Boris Johnson’s affairs continue to do the rounds on social media. Aside from a supposed ongoing fling with a certain tame BBC journalist, the Prime Minister has been repeatedly linked to various Russians.
Don’t Come On Carrie! The nation does NOT need Carrie Symonds – Matthew Steeples argues that Daniel Johnson’s “Come on, Carrie: your country needs you!” call to Boris Johnson’s wine chucking latest baby mama is nothing but claptrap.
Don’t Come On Carrie! The man pictured left believes “Boris Johnson was sent by Christ” to “fulfill bible prophecy” whilst a parody magazine mocked the Prime Minister with a headline: “Scumbag Exposed! My hubby had TWELVE children before WE MET!”
Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


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