Friday, June 17, 2022

Ask Mrs MILF: The agony aunt who’s naughty but nice

Mrs MILF redThis week, Mrs MILF deals with charming men, the complexes of being attractive, a well known cheating lover, golden showers and “finishing off”.

 

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I have a partner who is very charming. My mother says: “Charm always masks lack of character, all style, no substance”. Is this true of all men who are extremely charming?

Alexandra A., Brancaster, Norfolk

Yes, it is always true of very charming men. A pity isn’t it?

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I had a phone call last night from a woman who says she’s been seeing my lover of over a year. He’s not always around as he’s very busy with his work and as he was also defrauded, he has been understandably preoccupied. She said that she’d just dumped him after he was completely “honest” with her about his having other relationships aside from with her and me. I am going through a divorce myself at the moment and he’d told me he loved me and that he’d be there for me. This morning I had a text from him saying that he knew the woman had called and that “it’s not as bad as it seems”. I think the woman called because she wanted to know about me and to break my heart. She’s won him in my view but he’s yet to call me himself. When he finally rings, should I answer?

Emma L., Claygate, Surrey

Yours was a very long email and I’ve only shared part of it given how well known the man concerned truly is. Your lover is allegedly preoccupied with his work but has the time to see several women. I doubt he will call you as he’s probably more concerned about the papers getting hold of this. If he had the courage, he would have driven, regardless of work and knocked on your door last night. That’s what a man does.

 

The individual concerned has had the time to consider his position overnight and decided that anything he could say would be churlish and crass. He’ll have also had opportunity to speak with the other woman and he won’t call you at all. Do not call him. Your life will be simpler without this liar and with time your hear will heal.

 

You mention in your letter that this other woman has “won”. “Won” what? All she’s got is a man who is a liar, weak and scared. What a prize.

 

My boyfriend is extremely attractive and other women always look at him. I feel I have to look over my shoulder always. I also get looks from other men but he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t like it, but don’t know what to do. I love him.

Alina B., London, W1

Ugly men can be as unfaithful, cruel and duplicitous as handsome ones yet we only forgive the handsome ones. You say you also get looks from other men so you must also be attractive and therefore it’s a risk both of you take.

 

Don’t be misled into believing that he doesn’t care. He does. Keep your communications open and honest and keep reassuring each other and all will be fine. I’m from the old school: Once trust is broken, it’s broken. If more people realised that and communicated properly, people would be a lot happier.

 

My wife and I used to pee on each other. We are now divorced and I am going out with a gorgeous girl and the sex is great but I haven’t mentioned the idea of golden showers yet. How do you suggest I broach the subject?

Roger O., Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire

Golden showers are like Marmite. You either love them or hate them. I suggest you breach the topic by clearly saying something like: “My ex and I used to pee on each other. Do you like that sort of thing?” to her. You’ll get a “yes” or a “no”, because there are no “maybe” or (excuse the pun) “go with the flow” responses to this sort of situation. Do this instead of what someone I know did. He thought it would be more subtle to start peeing on his girlfriend mid sex and see what the effect was. The result was that she screamed and dumped him for incontinence.

 

My lover can never “finish me off”. Should I dump him?

Catherine M., London, SW3

Yes. Never trust a man who can’t finish you off. Your body doesn’t, so why should you?

 

Mrs MILF is lady with a cupcake and a whip who will solve all your problems be they in the bedroom department or elsewhere.

 

Mrs MILF welcomes your questions for her weekly column. Please submit them to her via [email protected]. She does not enter into individual correspondence and she won’t visit your home for personal consultations. Some names have been changed to protect the modesty of the individuals and their problems.

 

 

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    1 COMMENT

    1. Golden showers are unacceptable to all sane sorts. Sexual pleasure associated with the desire to urinate on a partner or to be urinated upon is exclusively for the insane eccentric artistic types. Ruben Schmill called it a form of urethral eroticisms. He tried it once, but got piss in his eye, he ended up with the clap and syphilis in the eye. He was never keen to try it again. Ruben was not the eccentric type, he managed a adult movie theatre and just got carried away. He was obsessed with sex. He developed serious medical conditions due to his depraved sexual practices. I recommend the wear of safety glasses as used in the construction industry.

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