The Steeple Times

Category: MOVERS & SHAKERS

The snakes and ladders of society.

A chronicle of drama, scandal and success in London, Paris, New York and elsewhere

  • Wally of the Week – Mike Alan

    Wally of the Week – Mike Alan

    “International magician” Mike Alan goes mental with a cucumber after alleging a “razor sharp” M&S shelf “savaged” his coat and left him “looking like a snowman”

    At a time when 13,000 families are worrying about ending up in penury thanks to retail rotter ‘Sir Shifty’ Philip Green’s empire collapsing, there’s one very, very angry man with bigger issues to fry with the sinking high street shopping sector.

     

    Featured for “crying to the papers” first via the Facebook group ‘Angry People in Local Newspapers,’ an “international magician” named Mike Alan – a man mocked as the type that “shops in M&S but cuts a Lidl version of Richard O’Brien” – claims to have paid £75 for a coat that one commentator described simply as “I’ve seen nicer jackets on hot water tanks.”

     

    Aptly ‘Digusted of Tunbridge Wells’ (and yes, Mr Alan just had to be from Tunbridge Wells) moaned to KentLive’s multimedia journalist John James that he was left “seething” after an encounter with a shelf in the spa town’s Calverly Road Marks & Spencer store.

     

    Of the calamitous incident, Mr Alan – whom claims to have performed for both the Queen and the Sultan of Brunei – explained:

     

    “I went into the store like I do most days. I don’t have a problem with the shop or the staff themselves, they’re very polite. I go to look at a tin of biscuits and as I pull them off the shelf it rips my coat.”

     

    “I went to the desk and asked to speak to a manager and they said they didn’t have one on shift at the moment, I said ‘What are you? A corner shop?’”

     

    “By this point I looked like a snowman walking around with all the feathers coming out of my coat. I was told to call up head office.”

     

    Wally of the Week – Magician Mike Alan gets his coat savaged in M&S – “International magician” Mike Alan goes mental with a cucumber after alleging a “razor sharp” M&S shelf “savaged” his coat and left him “looking like a snowman.”
    Wally of the Week – Mike Alan – Especially for ‘Kent Live’ readers, “as seen on TV” Mr Alan shared an image of the damage he did to a cucumber with the offending shelf. He did not declare whether he paid for said vine plant fruit.

    Continuing of his subsequent lengthy less than magical correspondence with the retailer, Mr Alan – a man plainly lacking a Debbie McGee to do his biscuit buying – then angrily added:

     

    “They’ve denied it’s sharp, so yesterday I went back in there and cut one of their cucumbers with the shelf. And they still say it’s not sharp. It’s like a razor!”

     

    “All I’m after is for them to own up to it and give me £50 for the coat, which I’d give to a homeless charity so they could buy a coat.”

     

    “I’m just really annoyed with their attitude. I’ve not been going in there since the incident. I’ve sent an invoice to them, I’m going to charge them for every email I send them.”

     

    “The shelf is sharp and it’s at the same height as a child’s face. It’s a joke.”

     

    Plainly sick of this moaning Minnie, an M&S spokesman responded: “We are giving him a gesture of goodwill to cover the cost of his coat.” Magic that, Mike.

     

    Pictured top: Mike Alan displays his “savaged” coat for the benefit of readers of ‘Kent Live’ (left); previous encounters with retailers including Sports Direct feature on his Facebook page.

     

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    Wally of the Week – Magician Mike Alan gets his coat savaged in M&S – “International magician” Mike Alan goes mental with a cucumber after alleging a “razor sharp” M&S shelf “savaged” his coat and left him “looking like a snowman.”
    Wally of the Week – Mike Alan – ‘Angry People in Local Newspapers’ members had a field day with Mr Alan subsequently. “It’s not just any savaging. It’s an M&S shelf savaging,” remarked one Michael Burke.
    Wally of the Week – Magician Mike Alan gets his coat savaged in M&S – “International magician” Mike Alan goes mental with a cucumber after alleging a “razor sharp” M&S shelf “savaged” his coat and left him “looking like a snowman.”
    Wally of the Week – Mike Alan – “This is a proper Quentin Tarantino film in the making” added a ‘top fan’ named Marcus Marr. Another ‘top fan,’ Cath Dodge, added: “Wearing a natty hat does not make you a magician, mate,” whilst one Danny Beattie observed: “I know what has a problem, and it’s not the shelf!”
    Wally of the Week – Magician Mike Alan gets his coat savaged in M&S – “International magician” Mike Alan goes mental with a cucumber after alleging a “razor sharp” M&S shelf “savaged” his coat and left him “looking like a snowman.”
    Wally of the Week – Mike Alan – “That shelf could have cut a woman in half… and that’s my job!” mocked one Jim MacNee.
  • Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3

    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3

    Swarm of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers

    In August 2018, a swarm of Arabs descended on Brompton Road. Though many residents objected to their noisy cars, some were polite and apologetic about blocking the pavements, but yesterday came another mass gathering that was even more ridiculous.

     

    The immediate area around Harrods, but also including the section of Brompton Road adjacent to kiddie favourite McDonald’s, on a soppy Saturday in December would normally attract families Christmas shopping and parents headed to Pizza Express, Beauchamp Place on “nanny’s day off.”

     

    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – Harrods raid by mob – Mob of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers.
    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – The mob of youngsters gathered outside Harrods late Saturday afternoon.

    Yesterday, however, in spite of COVID-19, instead, the district was invaded by a mob of strangely dressed teenagers, some of them covered in glitter and all of them avoiding social distancing guidelines. These potty mouthed pillocks not only – as the likes of The Sun reported – tried to “force their way into [Harrods]” but also went on the rampage in local stores such as Waitrose, Brompton Road. Eventually, police descended and formed “a protective ring around the posh store.”

     

    Of what occurred in Waitrose, which eventually was forced to close its doors to prevent the lunatics that were running amok doing damage, a well-known local grande dame pointedly told The Steeple Times:

     

    “I simply came here to buy some avocados and I’m faced with this [pointing at an unmasked Kappa clad kiddie]. I’m not a snob, but this is Waitrose Knightsbridge; the customers are normally Sloanes not slops and slobs!”

     

    Pictured top: Police formed a ‘ring of steel’ to prevent the teenage mob gain entry to Harrods; three makeup caked youngsters whom were evicted from Waitrose, Brompton Road for screaming expletives at the staff.

     

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    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – Harrods raid by mob – Mob of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers.
    One Twitter user announced: “Harrods is under attack, I repeat, Harrods is under attack!”
    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – Harrods raid by mob – Mob of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers.
    Many made suggestions about the origins of the participants, whilst another wanted water cannons sent in.
    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – Harrods raid by mob – Mob of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers.
    Of the “craziness,” this tweet suggested: “Covid spike inbound!”
    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – Harrods raid by mob – Mob of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers.
    “Your parents must be so proud” declared one Paul Smith of the “hundreds of intellectually challenged teenagers.”
    Tempestuous Teenage Swarm Savages SW3 – Harrods raid by mob – Mob of tempestuous teenagers descend on Brompton Road, SW3 and end up in a maskless face-off with 200 police officers.
    “A whole load of baddies” concluded this Twitter user of the “riot police everywhere” scene.
  • Greedy Green Goes Red

    Greedy Green Goes Red

    As ‘The Sun’ quite rightly rebrands Tina Green ‘Lady Greed,’ we join those demanding this creep cough up before Christmas; why should 13,000 families suffer whilst she sits smugly on a £100m yacht?

    Luxury loving Lady Green – who is known to pompously demand those she regards as serfs call her ‘Lady Tina’ – got herself a new moniker in the red-topped The Sun this morning.

     

    Deservedly rebranded ‘Lady Greed’ today, this twice married mother of four and all-round disgrace of a woman is actually worse than her hideous hulk of a husband, ‘Sir Shifty.’ She actually controls the purse strings of the now collapsed Arcadia Group as her very own company owns 92% of it and now it’s in the red, it is time this cash-tin-collecting cretin accepted some personal responsibility.

     

    As 13,000 poor employees and their families face Christmas and beyond in penury due to the mismanagement of ‘Tacky Tina’ and her husband, now is the time when this wicked wench could finally do the decent thing: Lady Green should sell one of her £100 million yachts and pull off a publicity coup by paying off those that her business failings will otherwise make suffer.

     

    Pictured top: The grubby Greens love living it up, quaffing champagne and used to often be found lauding it over the plebs in Annabel’s. These “modern day Dockers” should now become social pariahs.

     

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    Grubby Green Goes Red – Lady Green rebranded ‘Lady Greed’ – As ‘The Sun’ quite rightly rebrands Tina Green ‘Lady Greed,’ we join those demanding this creep cough up before Christmas; why should 13,000 families suffer whilst she sits smugly on a £100m yacht?
    Grubby Green Goes Red – Tina Green supposedly cares about her title and status more than anything else. She ought to have been stripped of it after the BHS pensions debacle whilst her fame seeking criminal shagging daughter, Chloe, should jolly well fade into obscurity also.
  • Heroine of the Hour – Micheline Stephen

    Heroine of the Hour – Micheline Stephen

    Ninety-year-old daily martini drinker Micheline Stephen of Cupar, Scotland is to be saluted for grabbing a robber and calling him “a wee sh*te”

    Spotted on the brilliant Facebook group ‘Angry People in Local Newspapers,’ our heroine of the hour just had to be a “Dame Maggie Smith lookalike” named Micheline Stephen of Hill Street, Cupar, Scotland.

     

    Featured in an article by Jamie Callaghan in Fife Today on Monday, French born daily martini drinker Mrs Stephen “was coming out of her bathroom when she noticed someone wandering around her kitchen.”

     

    “Initially, she believed it was her grandson,” the paper reported, but, as he attempted to escape through a window, Mrs Stephen “noticed it was not my grandson, but a young man… He had a rucksack on his back.”

     

    The sprightly pensioner “tried to pull him in” and “understandably angry… hurled abuse at the robber as he fled.” She remarked: “I told him that he was a wee sh*te.”

     

    Though yet to be apprehended, the nasty little tyke got away with Mrs Stephen’s cigarettes and lighter. In turn, officers from Police Scotland sent her a birthday card when she turned 90 two days later.

     

    Today, we join those on ‘Angry People in Local Newpsapers’ raising a martini to this “legend” and suggesting a “Kickstarter for Micheline Stephen’s fags.”

     

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    Heroine of the Hour – Martini drinking 90-year-old Micheline Stephen – Ninety-year-old daily martini drinker Micheline Stephen of Cupar, Scotland is to be saluted for grabbing a robber and calling him “a wee sh*te.”
    On the Facebook group, the journalist Jamie Callaghan’s girlfriend Catriona Wilkie, joined the 50 people leaving comments about the article. One user told her: “It’s a CV moment” of his having made Angry People in Local Newspapers,” though another stated: “I have knocked off points for no mention of grankids [SIC] names, ages or other irrelevant health conditions.”
    Heroine of the Hour – Martini drinking 90-year-old Micheline Stephen – Ninety-year-old daily martini drinker Micheline Stephen of Cupar, Scotland is to be saluted for grabbing a robber and calling him “a wee sh*te.”
    Fans declared Micheline Stephen’s actions “fabulous” and one declared: “This is the most Scottish thing I’ve ever read.”
  • The Calamities Carrie On

    The Calamities Carrie On

    Ghislaine Maxwell was involved in the charity Carrie Symonds works for; Dominic Cummings’ nemesis also has an ex-lover with links to Russia and the far right, racist Traditional Britain Group

    When she’s not furiously texting 25 missives per hour to her lapdog on-off lover Boris Johnson or forcing him to get rid of his puppet master Dominic Cummings, Carrie Symonds finds time to be a senior advisor and member of staff at Oceana – a curiously funded operation that describes itself as “the largest international advocacy organisation focused solely on ocean conservation.”

     

    Fascinatingly, mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell also has links to Oceana and hosted a cocktail party for their benefit at her East 65th Street residence in 2008 according to The Cut even.

     

    Jailbird paedo procurer Maxwell’s interest in the oceans is well-known via her now defunct TerraMar Project – which operated with the motto: “Sea Hope. Sea Change. Sea Future” and is now being accused of allegedly being part of her and Epstein’s trafficking activities – but, today, we remind readers that the British Prime Minister’s wine chucking latest baby mama has other curious connections.

     

    In October 2019, The Steeple Times followed up on The Sun’s story of Symonds’ “emotionally charged” and “tumultuous” previous relationship with a character named Oliver Haiste and revealed his connections to a curious Russian hoax news operation and association with members of the extremely bigoted, far-right Traditional Britain Group.

     

    ‘The Lady Macbeth of Downing Street’ may well think she won against Cummings as he marched out of Downing Street Street with his box last night, but here was just the first skirmish of a battle. The true war is yet to come and whether ‘Conniving Carrie’ and her cretinous clown will still be in residence by Christmas remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure next: Red wine on the sofa at the ready, The Carrie On Show is most certainly going to most unpleasantly kick off very, very soon.

     

    Pictured top: Ghislaine Maxwell supporting Oceana in 2008; Carrie Symonds – the very same organisation’s employee in 2020.

     

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    The Calamities Carrie On – Carrie Symonds & Ghislaine Maxwell – Ghislaine Maxwell was involved in the charity Carrie Symonds works for; Dominic Cummings’ nemesis also has an ex-lover named Oliver Haiste (also spelt ‘Haste’) with links to Russia and the far right, racist Traditional Britain Group.
    The Calamities Carrie On – The Prime Minister’s on-off spouse Carrie Symonds’ biography on the Oceana website.
    The Calamities Carrie On – Carrie Symonds & Ghislaine Maxwell – Ghislaine Maxwell was involved in the charity Carrie Symonds works for; Dominic Cummings’ nemesis also has an ex-lover named Oliver Haiste (also spelt ‘Haste’) with links to Russia and the far right, racist Traditional Britain Group.
    The Calamities Carrie On – The Traditional Britain Group, of which the preposterously named convicted thief Gregory Lauder-Frost is vice president, itself is opposed to feminism. It also believes in “the heterosexual family” but is against “immigration and multiculturalism” as well as “internationalism… globalisation… communism… socialism… liberalism… anarchism… political correctness… the purely materialist conception of life… [and] all the great heresies of our age.” Repugnant Lauder-Frost once disgustingly referred to Baroness Lawrence, mother of the murdered teenager Stephen Lawrence, as “a complete nobody” and once demanded “people not of ‘European stock’ should be offered ‘assisted voluntary repatriation’ to their ‘natural’ homeland.”
    The Calamities Carrie On – Henry Hopwood-Phillips, when not attempting but failing to create hoax Russian news sites with Carrie Symonds’ ex Oliver Haiste (sometimes spelt ‘Haste’), spends time getting involved with the bigoted Traditional Britain Group and making bizarre music videos on YouTube. He charmingly also stands accused of flashing his “tumescent member” by a blogger named Claire Khaw.
  • Sutcliffe Won’t Be Missed

    Sutcliffe Won’t Be Missed

    As serial killer Peter Sutcliffe dies, ‘The Steeple Times’ invites readers to submit their nominations for the best and worst people of 2020 – he’ll definitely be joining ‘The Ones Who Won’t Be Missed”

    The quote: “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure” is often misattributed to Mark Twain, but with news of the demise of the evil serial killer Peter Sutcliffe (AKA ‘The Yorkshire Ripper’), that quote most definitely rang true for many.

     

    Whilst, according to The Atlantic, the sentiment itself actually closest relates to the words of the lawyer Clarence Darrow – whom in 1932 stated: “All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike someone they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction” – Sutcliffe’s death was quite rightly described as bringing “some kind of closure for victims’ families” this morning in the Guardian.

     

    As we begin to prepare The Steeple Times’ annual Heroes & Villains list of the best and worst people of 2020, we can guarantee that Peter Sutcliffe will make it towards the top of the year’s “One’s Who Won’t Be Missed,” but whether he’ll replace last year’s winner Jeffery Epstein remains to be seen.

     

    Readers are invited to submit their nominations for The Steeple Times’ Heroes and Villains list by email to [email protected]. There are twenty-five spots to be allocated in each of the following categories:

     

    • The Best People of 2020.
    • The Worst People of 2020.
    • The One’s Who’ll Be Missed.
    • The One’s Who Won’t Be Missed.

     

    In advance, we thank you for your contributions.

     

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    Sutcliffe Won’t Be Missed – ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe dead – As serial killer Peter Sutcliffe dies, ‘The Steeple Times’ invites readers to submit their nominations for the best and worst people of 2020 – he’ll definitely be joining ‘The Ones Who Won’t Be Missed.”
    Sutcliffe Won’t Be Missed – In 2020, our readers and selection committee chose Lorraine Kelly as the best person of 2020 and the barbarian bear slayer Larysa Switlyk as the worst. Please join the 7,000 who’ve already signed the petition to ban Switlyk from Instagram by clicking here.
    Sutcliffe Won’t Be Missed – ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe dead – As serial killer Peter Sutcliffe dies, ‘The Steeple Times’ invites readers to submit their nominations for the best and worst people of 2020 – he’ll definitely be joining ‘The Ones Who Won’t Be Missed.”
    Sutcliffe Won’t Be Missed – In 2020, our readers and selection committee chose Jeffrey Epstein as the winner of our “not missed” category (here he is pictured with the equally filthy fleabag and deservedly incarcerated Ghislaine Maxwell) and ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ star Clive Swift as the winner of our “missed” category (here he is pictured with his brilliant co-star Dame Patricia Routledge).
  • Bathtub Bonkers

    Bathtub Bonkers

    As a poll in ‘The Sun’ reveals 89% of participants do not want to see alleged bathtub shagger Prince Andrew return to public duty, his batshit bonkers ex-wife makes what she calls ‘bathtub teddies’

    Whilst ‘Randy Andy’s’ live-in ex-wife is well known for having her toes sucked by her lovers, this week she turned to making bizarre jokes as she waved frankfurters around in a somewhat sexual fashion on her Storytime with Fergie and Friends YouTube channel.

     

    Plainly ignoring public outrage about the Duke of York’s alleged non-sweaty bathtub antics in Ghislaine Maxwell’s Kinnerton Street, Belgravia home with Virginia Giuffre, ‘Fergie’ also decided to make what she termed some ‘bathtub teddies.’ Whilst it turned out that this simpleton was actually just playing with cupcakes (as you do), it is just clear that this wack job just doesn’t get the severity of what the Pizza Express lover stands accused.

     

    Elsewhere in The Sun on Sunday this morning, just as a poll has suggested the vast majority of the public do not wish to see Prince Andrew return to public duties, it seems the ‘Prince of Darkness’ has been making “secret night visits to the Queen as he plots [a] public return.” Quite frankly, he’d be better doing something else instead: Get back in his tub and scrub himself into obscurity.

     

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    Bathtub Bonkers – Prince Andrew and Fergie and bathtubs – As a poll in ‘The Sun’ reveals 89% of participants do not want to see alleged bathtub shagger Prince Andrew return to public duty, his batshit bonkers ex-wife makes what she calls ‘bathtub teddies.’
    Redbubble.com are now selling bath mats featuring an image of Prince Andrew online for £23.61. Measuring 61cm by 43cm, the 100% polyester microfiber printed foam with non-slip bottom items are captioned: “Nonce.”
    Bathtub Bonkers – Prince Andrew and Fergie and bathtubs – As a poll in ‘The Sun’ reveals 89% of participants do not want to see alleged bathtub shagger Prince Andrew return to public duty, his batshit bonkers ex-wife makes what she calls ‘bathtub teddies.’
    Sarah Ferguson was photographed having her toes sucked by her then lover John Bryan at a villa in the South of France in 1992.
  • Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke

    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke

    Dirty Dawn strikes again – Attention seeker and alleged racist and coke possessor Dawn Ward proves she cannot cope with a bit of truthful press attention

    Dawn Ward was most likely a bully at school. Prone to pointing her finger and screaming like a banshee on butane, this attention seeking wench tries to fight dirty, but in reality is just a cowardly cretin.

     

    After The Steeple Times quite accurately reported on Mrs Ward – a genuine halfwit harridan whom sadly rose to the Z-list as a result of seeking out publicity through an ITV show named Real Housewives of Cheshire – being charged with racially aggravated harassment of two Jewish brothers and possession of cocaine, she not only blocked us on Twitter but also got her troll troupe on the case.

     

    In response to Twitter subsequently suggesting the removal of a link to our article, we say this: “We entirely stand by what we said about the Cheshire cat Dawn Ward and again highlight her for what she truly is: Trailer trash and the modern-day equivalent of Bet Lynch on steroids.”

     

    Ward, whose “fish fueled fight” with a bit of “napkin slapping” with the singer Sinitta landed her with a conviction for assault in June 2016, should simply realise this as she awaits her truly deserved trial in March 2022: If she can’t take the heat, she shouldn’t go near the coke and quite frankly, she ought to bloody well get out of her especially naff kitchen.

     

    Pictured top: Dawn Ward always delivers when it comes to posing for the camera.

     

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    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – Dirty Dawn Ward of Real Housewives of Cheshire – Attention seeker and alleged racist and coke possessor Dawn Ward proves she cannot cope with a bit of truthful press attention.
    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – Washed up wastrel Dawn Ward often looks angry, but she’d be advised to tone down her temper when she appears in court for alleged cocaine possession and racially aggravated harassment in March 2022.
    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – Dirty Dawn Ward of Real Housewives of Cheshire – Attention seeker and alleged racist and coke possessor Dawn Ward proves she cannot cope with a bit of truthful press attention.
    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – Dopey Dawn Ward has blocked on ‘The Steeple Times’ on Twitter. As Lauren Cooper in ‘The Catherine Tate Show’ would say: “Am I bovvered?”
    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – Dirty Dawn Ward of Real Housewives of Cheshire – Attention seeker and alleged racist and coke possessor Dawn Ward proves she cannot cope with a bit of truthful press attention.
    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – Creosoted creature Dawn Ward – whom has also been accused of owing £500,000 to fellow ‘Real Housewives of Cheshire’ participant Leanne Brown – may have spent a small fortune on her kitchen, but anyone sane would just throw such naff faux woodwork in a skip.
    Dirty Dawn Can’t Take the Heat of the Coke – If the plastic not fantastic wack job that is Dawn Ward had been born in a different age, she’d likely be a reincarnation of Violet Elizabeth Bott.

  • A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat

    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat

    Notorious prosecco “gag reflexer” and Sinitta “napkin slapper” Dawn Ward resurfaces; the Cheshire cat has been charged with racial abuse and coke possession

    Just as everyone rejoiced after believing they’d heard the last of the dastardly dope that is Dawn Ward, the old trout had to go and resurface.

     

    Featured in the MailOnline this morning, the creosoted creature and supposed Real Housewives of Cheshire ‘star’ Ward appeared at the Inner London Crown Court yesterday via videolink for a pre-trial hearing where she was told she is now set to face trial in March 2022. She is charged with the racially aggravated harassment of two Jewish brothers and possession of a Class A drug, cocaine, at Euston Railway Station on 29th October 2019.

     

    Like fellow brawling bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben, brassy Mrs Ward – a potty mouthed wench prone to telling anyone whom dares to put in her rightful place in the sewer to “do one” – has previous experience at Hammersmith Magistrates’ Court. She was convicted of assault after attacking the singer Sinitta Malone in a “fish fueled fight” in June 2016.

     

    Of her impending trial, a spokesman for “Bet Lynch on steroids” told The Sun:

     

    “She vehemently denies these allegations and looks forward to clearing her name in court when the full facts can be made public.”

     

    For her sake, Cheshire cat Ward would do best to avoid using the same inept legal representatives as in 2016. They failed to get her off what appeared a pretty weak charge and what she herself described as a “storm in a tea cup.”

     

    At the time, of the “napkin slapping” over talk of her husband “sleeping around” episode district judge Elizabeth Roscoe remarked: “I’m satisfied that when Mrs Ward prodded or poked Miss Malone it was an assault by beating and was unlawful, although the force was minimal, not strong. Therefore, I find the case proven.”

     

    Miaow.

     

    Pictured top: Plastic not fantastic Dawn Ward takes to pointing a finger when she doesn’t get her way; she has previously been accused of napkin slapping and now faces a trial for a bit of racism and drug possession also.

     

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    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat – Dawn Ward charged with racial abuse and drugs possession – Notorious prosecco “gag reflexer” and Sinitta “napkin slapper” Dawn Ward resurfaces; the Cheshire cat has been charged with racial abuse and coke possession.
    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat – Dawn Ward with her ex-footballer husband Ashley Ward (left) and dressed up in fetish gear with what one might politely term “a gimp” (right). Here’s one classy bird. Not.
    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat – Dawn Ward charged with racial abuse and drugs possession – Notorious prosecco “gag reflexer” and Sinitta “napkin slapper” Dawn Ward resurfaces; the Cheshire cat has been charged with racial abuse and coke possession.
    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat – Mrs Ward has been trying to sell her gaudily decorated Cheshire home, Warford Hall, Great Warford, near Alderley Edge, Cheshire, SK9 7TU for years. Though she reduced the price from £15 million to £12 million, there have thus far, unsurprisingly, been no takers for this vulgarian’s Victorian. Its appearances on the ‘Real Housewives of Cheshire’ did nothing to aid its sale and it was here that during an interview with the ‘Mirror’ this classy creature charmingly announced: “I don’t do Prosecco, babe, only the real stuff. I have a gag reflex if anyone tries to hand me a glass of that s***.”
    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat – Dawn Ward charged with racial abuse and drugs possession – Notorious prosecco “gag reflexer” and Sinitta “napkin slapper” Dawn Ward resurfaces; the Cheshire cat has been charged with racial abuse and coke possession.
    A Coked-Up Cheshire Cat – Queen of fake Dawn Ward (right) with fellow ‘Real Housewives of Cheshire’ participant Leanne Brown and some astounded looking semi-nude waiters. Mrs Brown later went to “war” on Mrs Ward after claiming she owed her £500,000.
  • Schofe Banned

    Schofe Banned

    As Phillip Schofield’s book is banned from sale in Wales, we ask: “Did the temperamental telly host ‘Schofe’ have another meltdown as a result?”

    Whilst nobody was surprised when Bangladesh, Egypt, India, Iran, Kenya, Kuwait, Liberia, Malaysia, Pakistan, Senegal, Singapore, Sri Lanka and Thailand amongst others banned The Satanic Verses in 1988 for supposed blasphemy against Islam, news that Phillip Schofield’s memoirs have been outlawed from sale in Wales might actually surprise.

     

    Though no doubt an affront to literature in terms of the quality and relevance of its content, an image of Schofield’s recently released Life’s What You Make It in a taped off section of a Tesco store in Cardiff appeared yesterday in The Sun. Appropriately, however, given the shocking reviews the tome has deservedly received, a notice was pinned to the shelving stating: “We are unable to sell non-essential items at this time.”

     

    We’re left wondering: Did ‘Schofe’ hit his “only fit for the bin” boxed wine as a result? If so, we can only pity those dealing with his hangover this morning.

     

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    Schofe Banned – Phillip Schofield memoirs banned in Wales – As Phillip Schofield’s book is banned from sale in Wales, we ask: “Did the temperamental telly host have another meltdown as a result?”
    Schofe Banned – With his memoirs banned from sale in supermarkets in Wales and his boxed wine rubbished as “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena,” ‘Schofe’ no doubt had another temper tantrum. Poor lamb.
    As Phillip Schofield’s book is banned from sale in Wales, we ask: “Did the temperamental telly host ‘Schofe’ have another meltdown as a result?”
    Schofe Banned – D. H. Lawrence’s ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ was banned from sale in the United Kingdom for violation of obscenity laws. The ban was lifted in 1960 and one is now left wondering how long Phillip Schofield’s tome will remain on a list of banned books for.