Sunday, January 17, 2021

A January rant

Section:

Irene Ramsay shares her post-Christmas blues

 

Waking up in January 2014 and glancing in the mirror has revealed that an entire month of disgusting excess has taken its toll. It all starts with the irritating shops that think it’s Christmas before it’s even Halloween. Before you know it you’re singing Christmas carols and it’s not even December.

 

Then lo and behold, December smacks you in the face and it’s “Go on, have another, it’s Christmas!” You’re forced to drink drinks like eggnog and mulled wine, both of which are repellent, but you must get in the Christmas spirit. Then the box of Celebrations circulate the office – and you don’t want to be rude or anorexic. Suddenly you’re at Christmas drinks parties slamming tequila shots. The only exercise you manage is punching holes into Christmas cards and hanging them on string. Cards full of awful grinning family photos, when we all know Christmas is a time of incendiary family rows. But of course, it’s that time of year when people make the elementary errors of thinking unfunny things are funny – like Christmas jumpers with protruding reindeers on them. This is only the warm up as well. Between Christmas and New Year the carbohydrate intake seems to increase daily and the eggnog only gets worse, like a gloopy alcoholic protein shake. I shan’t talk about the jumpers.

 

Post-Christmas blues have set in for many
Post-Christmas blues have set in for many

 

Some may say I sound like Scrooge.  They would be wrong. I enjoy Christmas very much, especially as it brings friends and family together for a few days. I simply regret all that has come before come January. And then the worst comes, people make you give up something you love and call it a ‘resolution’. So now, there are a few in the office who have stubbed out their last banger, resolving to quit smoking. In the transition phase and unwilling to go cold turkey, they opt for the ‘healthier’ e-cigarette, to which they can smoke in the office. Unfortunately it looks slightly like they are smoking a skinny tampon. I suppose I’m being bitter, because I gave up smoking too, regrettably it only lasted a few hours. I didn’t even tell anyone I had plans to give up, because I knew it wouldn’t last. I am ashamed. It’s January too, and it’s cold outside, and the e-cigarettes have stolen my friends.

 

I understand the smoking ban, and I approve. Constitutionally, I’m no libertarian. I approve of things being banned and various draconian rules; fixed working hours and dress codes etc. I tend not to like grey areas as I like to know where I stand. However, after eight days of dinners and smoking indoors in the comfort of my own home, the ‘January e-cigarette routine’ is giving me the blues. Smoking is a social act; a reliable and powerful way of bonding. The mere act of someone offering me a lighter is a wonderful gesture of friendship. What’s worse is the ostracism makes me look unsavoury. Especially thanks to my new Christmas potato face.

 

 

Subscribe to our free once daily email newsletter here:

     

    The Steeple Times
    We research and background check our articles. If you believe we have made and error in some detail please get in touch, we seek always to write the truth and stand against a press owned by a self selected few. Please help us, we will accept all your likes, subscriptions and anonymous suport. The Editor and his team at the Steeple Times.
    Advertisement

    LEAVE A REPLY

    Please enter your comment!
    Please enter your name here

    Advertisement
    Advertisement
    2,531FansLike
    2,068FollowersFollow
    10,739FollowersFollow
    129SubscribersSubscribe

    Most Popular

    A French Farce

    Matthew Steeples slams the likely coverup of the latest Conservative Party sex scandal involving a still unnamed MP as a “French farce” and suggests that the Tories really shouldn’t sweep this matter under the carpet.

    Heroine of the Hour 2021 – Anita Rani

    Anita Rani arrives as a BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’ morning show presenter and announces: “If you’ve had enough, pour yourself a G&T, you have my permission.”

    Runners & Riders – The Classic Chase 2021 at Warwick

    ‘The Steeple Times’ examines the tipsters’ selections and offers 4 options for The Classic Chase 2021 at Warwick – as well as a 15/1 at Market Rasen.

    MacBook Maxwell

    Mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyers demand she gets access to a laptop seven days per week; one can assume she’ll expect a ritzy MacBook Pro.

    Moron of the Moment – Shaun Bailey

    Pontificating pillock Shaun Bailey proves himself unfit to be Mayor of London after curiously claiming impoverished homeless people can and should save £5,000 to get a home.

    Theresa The Tea Leaf

    Tea leaf Theresa May lookalike goes on the rampage in Hereford and robs a purse; at least she didn’t grab ‘The Donald’s’ hand this time round (or have to share a curry with rotten paedo Rolf Harris).

    Lock Him Up 2021!

    Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!”

    A Chelsea Essential

    Management of Fulham Road Italian The Chelsea Corner share their anger at the British government with protest posters against Lockup 3.0 and restaurants being branded “non-essential.”

    Moron of the Moment 2021 – Karren Brady

    Poundland muckspreader Karren Brady desperately seeks attention by bleating that men are “sexist” against her; Lady Brady brought up a story from years ago proving she has utterly nothing new to say.

    Help the Homeless in Lockup 3.0

    Matthew Steeples suggests the government has made progress with its decision to help the homeless in the UK during ‘Lockup 3.0’ – but it must go further.

    Runners & Riders – Welsh Grand National 2020

    ‘The Steeple Times’ examines the tipsters’ selections and offers a couple of options for the rescheduled Welsh Grand National 2020 at Chepstow – as well as a 66/1 each way option with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 place possibilities at Kempton.

    Hippo Harridan 2021 – Larysa Switlyk

    Not content with butchering bears, barbarian bitch Larysa Switlyk headed to Africa to harm hippos; this harridan must be stopped and banned from Instagram also.

    Hero of the Hour 2021 – ‘Miracle Man’ Brian Toomey

    Jockey who “died for six seconds” in 2013 Brian Toomey set to make a remarkable return to racing as a trainer in 2021.

    Dry January 2021 CANCELLED

    At a time of lockup lunacy in early 2021, the last thing we need is the marketing nonsense that is ‘Dry January’ forced upon us; instead, celebrate #DryGinuary.

    Lockup Lunacy

    Matthew Steeples condemns the government’s slapdash decision to lockup most of Britain (other than estate agents) once again as ludicrous.

    Hero of the Hour – Andy from Argos

    Grimsby resident takes with good humour someone attaching an Argos sign to his house on New Year’s Day whilst journalist reporting story of it goes all Miss Marple.

    Sorry is the Shiftiest Word

    ‘Sir Shifty’ Philip Green’s sister tells him to man up and say sorry over the Arcadia collapse debacle; the chubby chump will likely ignore her.

    Wally of the Week – Thomas Dodd (AKA Céline Dion)

    That the ‘Mirror’ focused on the non-story of a man changing his name to Céline Dion to start 2021 is beyond ridiculous.

    Heroes & Villains – The Best & The Worst People of 2020

    ‘The Steeple Times’ chooses the 25 best and 25 worst people of the last year and the 25 who’ll be missed and the 25 who won’t.

    Bombastic Basham Bashes Back

    Brian Basham, PR peddler for mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell, suggests ‘Hunting Ghislaine’ podcast host John Sweeney is a drunk and someone he “despises.”

    Archewell OFF!

    Matthew Steeples suggests the best thing to do with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s Archewell Audio ‘Holiday Special’ on Spotify is to turn it off.

    Grotesque Ghislaine Grubbily Groans

    As grotesque Ghislaine Maxwell is deservedly denied bail, PR peddler Brian Basham bizarrely drones on about China and “show trials” whilst author Don Winslow references the pressure now placed on Donald Trump.

    Pampered Peers Prattle About Avocados

    Avocados and a “lack of British chefs in the kitchens” get the goat of out-of-touch British peers just as Norman Fowler calls for their numbers to be cut.

    Getaway Ghislaine

    As two victims of Jeffrey Epstein do deals with his estate, will mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell now getaway from the charges against her?

    Oysters Ahoy!

    Native oysters bizarrely reappear in Belfast Lough after 100 years of absence without any human intervention.

    Runners & Riders – King George VI Chase 2020

    ‘The Steeple Times’ examines the tipsters’ selections and offers a couple of options for Boxing Day’s King George IV Chase 2020 at Kempton.

    A Christmas Nightmare

    “Mini castle” in Pennsylvania goes on sale in time for Christmas for 512% more than it sold for in 2000 in spite of its decoration being nightmare nasty.

    Knightsbridge – Tent City 2020

    As Knightsbridge’s Brompton Road turns into a ‘tent city’ for the homeless, Matthew Steeples urges readers to support such people this Christmas.

    Morons of the Moment – Keith and Catherine Larkham

    Creosoted creatures turned “vexed visitors” Keith and Catherine Larkham complain to a local newspaper about the public being “murderers in the making” in a public park in Lytham, Lancashire.

    Blow-Up The Donald 2021

    Auction to blow-up Donald Trump in 2021 commences online for charity; the opportunity to implode is expected to sell for £375,000 and porn star Stormy Daniels is trying to get involved.

    Jobsworth Jenrick Props Up Property

    Jobsworth Robert Jenrick announces estate agents CAN take potential virus spreaders into peoples’ homes even in Tier 4 lockdown areas; a QUARTER of donations to the Tory party come from the property sector.

    Hollie Doyle – The Heroine of 2020

    For once, the normally “condescending cow” Karren Brady got it right in supporting the tremendous jockey Hollie Doyle to become BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2020.