Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Ask Mrs MILF: The agony aunt who’s naughty but nice

Mrs MILF redThis week, Mrs MILF deals with a party invite with a clause, a husband who wants his wife to buy “gear”, an Old Etonian with a complex, a wealthy couple who have sex but no relationship and a wife who’s worried about Katie Hopkins.

 

I’ve been invited to a party on the basis that a wealthy couple I know come too. The hostess has stated that she’ll reply to me once she knows whether this pair will be attending. Do you think that there could be some kind of sexual shenanigans planned for that night?

Jack K., Barnstaple, Devon

Wealthy couples and sexual shenanigans… Are the two mutually exclusive? Given the name of your hostess, she could be in search of investment as opposed to entertainment.

 

My husband’s asked me to buy some “gear”. I am not sure what he means. Could you please enlighten me as to what he wants? I don’t want to disappoint but equally I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

Tatiana D., London, SW10

Reply that you would love to get some “gear” but that you want to make sure it’s the kind of “gear” he’ll be happy with. Suggest you go to buy the “gear” together. This way, he’ll pay for it, there will be no surprise for either of you and you could also make him get some “gear” for himself. Alternatively, buy loads of expensive, sexy lingerie and if it’s the wrong “gear”, at least you’ll have ended up with a whole lot of “gear” that you actually want.

 

I am a shy Old Etonian looking to make his way in the world using a leg up. Do you think I should do this by riding ginger horses, by lying about Boxing Day lunches or by invading Syria in order to free a Mr Muslin Brather-Hoode? Also, how might I lose some weight?

John W., London, SW1

You don’t need a leg up. Your natural eccentricity and humour will win people over without the need to ride a horse, ginger or otherwise. I did look to investigate if “ginger horse” is a euphemism for any sexual organ, but no, it’s not. There are plenty of others to do with horses, yes, but ginger horses, no. Ditto Boxing Day lunches (unless that is an obscure reference to activities in SW1 when you are with the mistress that day following previously spent the day before playing happy families with your children).

 

As for Syria, you are plainly thinking adventure. I like that in a man. Any woman would like that in a man. Your last sentence, though, really says it all. You are fat. This is why you are funny… Or, rather why you need to be funny. Bravo for you.

 

Is sex an essential part of a relationship? I have an incredible sex life with my wealthy boyfriend but the relationship still doesn’t seem to work? Why?

Yolanda B., Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

You mention both money and sex in your question. Sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together. It is an essential part of the “contract” of a relationship. Money papers over the cracks through distraction, but only for a time. For many, it is also an essential part of the “contract” but it won’t keep you together. People forget that you need substance to “stick” together. If either one of you lacks substance – as in character, depth and integrity – then there is nothing to stick together, there is only the glue. If neither of you have that connection – as in sex, love and compassion – there is only money. You are left with a veneer of a relationship without anything inside. Do something about it.

 

When I told my husband about Katie Hopkins and her outrageous views, he replied that he thought she looked “hot”. Should I be worried?

Helena F., Oban, Argyll

This is proof that your husband pays no attention to what women, including you, say ever.

 

Mrs MILF is lady with a cupcake and a whip who will solve all your problems be they in the bedroom department or elsewhere.

 

Mrs MILF welcomes your questions for her weekly column. Please submit them to her via [email protected]. She does not enter into individual correspondence and she won’t visit your home for personal consultations. Some names have been changed to protect the modesty of the individuals and their problems.

 

 

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