Friday, April 16, 2021

Lock Him Up 2021!

Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!”

The “quaint” shire town of Guildhall (pronounced ‘Gilhall’), Vermont – whose population was estimated at just 255 in 2014 – is best known for having a large sign at its centre declaring it to be the “only town in the world so named.”

 

Now, just in time for Donald Trump’s departure from the White House and likely impeachment, the perfect pad for the 45th President has become available in the town. It comes in the form of a 4-bedroom cottage complete with its own attached former jail – a “safe space” he could retreat to if tagged or subjected to home imprisonment perhaps.

 

Situated on just under an acre of land next to the village green, Jailer’s House at 43 Courthouse Drive is described as having “so much character” and having “been renovated in recent years.” The jail, which ceased to be used in 1969, itself is in somewhat more perilous condition, as is a detached barn known as Jailer’s Barn.

 

Sold last for £85,000 in May 2017 and then bizarrely marketed for the much lower sum of £55,000 in April 2018l, agents Lisa Hampton Real Estate now seek £110,000 for the property.

 

Converted jailhouses and courts previously featured in The Steeple Times include the £14.5 million The Court House in Old Chelsea, London, SW3. It was from there that “drunkards, highwaymen and tax dodgers” were tried and “sent in chains to prison ships on the River Thames for transportation to the colonies.”

 

Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! The property comes with a jail complete with prison cells with barred windows. Of it, agents Lisa Hampton Real Estate remark: “Bring your own ideas on what this 28’ x 40’ wing could be!”
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! This cell could make the perfect new home for Donald Trump.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! One couldn’t imagine Melania Trump liking the condition of this crapper, however.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! One of the house’s more unusual features is a ‘witch window’ (also known as a ‘Vermont window’). Its presence might put off broomstick flying Ivanka Trump from visiting as this diagonal double-hung sash was conceived on the basis of the folk belief that “witches cannot fly their broomsticks through tilted windows.”

The Names & Numbers – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America

 

October 2020 – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.

 

April 2018 – Listed for sale for £55,000 ($75,000, €62,000 or درهم275,000), a sum 35% lower than its May 2017 sale price.

 

May 2017 – Sold for £85,000 ($116,000, €95,000 or درهم426,000).

 

February 2012 – Sold for £51,000 ($69,000, €57,000 or درهم253,000).

 

April 1969 – Essex County Jail discontinued. According to The Burlington Free Press: “The Corrections Department assumed control of most jails in the state, and the sheriffs were to no longer live next to the jail, an amenity they received as part of the job (never fear – it was offset by a triple pay increase for sheriffs as well as a new office).”

 

July 1964 – A rapist and a man awaiting trial for breaking and entering escaped the jail. Of this, The Burlington Free Press remarked: “A deputy sheriff who lives next door to the jail discovered the break Wednesday morning when he brought breakfast to the jailhouse.”

 

June 1961 – The jail was supposedly condemned as “potentially dangerous for prisoners” by the state fire marshal.  

 

1947 – According to The Burlington Free Press: “After Antonio Dubois, 47, stole 80 pounds of sugar from the Royal Cafe on Cross and Birch streets in Island Pond, he was held at the Essex County Jail. He couldn’t come up with the $2,000 he needed for bail, so he spent some time in the cells of what could be your home sweet home.”

 

April 1938 – According to The Burlington Free Press: “Two sheriffs were sued for allegedly assaulting two prisoners at the jail, the Essex County Herald reported in April 1938. The plaintiffs sued for $10,000 each, claiming they suffered broken ribs and fractured ear drums from the attack.”

 

1879 – 1880 – Jailer’s House, Essex County Jail and Jailer’s Barn are built on the site of an earlier facility burned to the ground by prisoners in 1878.

 

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Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
‘The Donald’ would have to be careful on this wooden staircase given Melania might see it fit to grease it in the style of drunken coal miner’s long-suffering wives of the 19th century. One false move and the 45th POTUS would be toast.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
The ugly painting of a prized cow in this sitting room might appeal to ‘The Donald’s’ dubious taste in artwork. He might “improve” the room with a bit more gilt.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
One could imagine Mr Trump, his ‘likely trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein’ wife and dear, little Barron dining in this “homely space.”
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Melania might actually finally get to enjoy herself cooking on this faux “antique stove.”
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
A bedroom suitable for someone (like Donald) who’s got the blues. The furnishings would also appeal to a skinflint pensioner like Victor Meldrew.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! When things get really bad, Mr Trump might like to sit and reflect in a “safe space” in this shower. There’s even a seat ready for him.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Given she didn’t achieve much at the White House aside from playing decorator in the tennis pavilion, Melania Trump could perhaps hone her gardening skills here.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! The bars of the jailhouse would need re-installing prior to ‘The Donald’s’ arrival.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Lock Him Up! This barn could be the perfect place for the Trumps to play their favourite game: “Lock him up!”
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Mr Trump could fantasise about redeveloping the grounds of the property, though he’d more likely busy himself recreating the international joke that is the Trump Wall.
Lock Him Up! Jail for sale in Guildhall, VT; perfect new home for Trump – Ideal new ‘home’ for likely to be impeached Donald Trump for sale just as he prepares to leave office; it comes with its own jail – the perfect place to “lock him up!” – Jailer’s House, Jailer’s Barn and former Essex County Jail, 43 Courthouse Drive, Guildhall, Essex County, Vermont, VT 05905, United States of America – Listed for sale by Lisa Hampton Real Estate for £110,000 ($149,000, €123,000 or درهم547,000), a sum 100% higher than its April 2018 asking price.
Guildhall, Vermont is “most famous” for this sign. If Donald Trump arrived, maybe things might change. New signs declaring: “Lock him up!” would appear throughout the town.
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Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.

7 COMMENTS

  1. Donald has MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! He stood up to those Mexican invading illegals and he should be declared a HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pelosi and co should be in this jail instead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, they would probably escape given its rathole condition so SEND IN THE WRECKING BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Witch windows – I shall be adding one to my new house that I am building if the planning bore allows. I like the concept of warding off evil.

  3. I don’t think Trump will need locking up, he’s finished and will probably go down in history as the worst president of all time. I’m now wondering if Maxwell may jump on the gravy train and do a deal. She knows a fair bit about Trump from back in the day. It has probably dawned on her that Trump can’t give her, a get out of jail card, as he has no more clout. His so called supporters in the Whitehouse are like rats leaving a sinking ship. It will be interesting what will happen with Trump over the coming months, Impeachment is to little too late. I think various charges will be laid against him re the Jan 6th uprising. Who knows, he maybe in the adjoining cell to Maxwell lol.

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