Matthew Steeples takes a look at where you might want to not go if you wish to avoid bad service, hygiene disasters and vile customers
Baglioni Hotel London – 60 Hyde Park Gate, Kensington, SW7 5BB
The bar at the Baglioni Hotel serves gin and tonics. They don’t actually know how to serve gin and tonics. If you’re lucky, you get something close to a single measure of something ghastly like Gordon’s and then they charge you something like £28 for the bloody privilege. Forget it.
Bluebird – 350 Kings Road, Chelsea, SW3 5UU
Described as “soulless and overpriced” by the New York Times, Bluebird on Kings Road is too vast for its own good. It’s rather like a warehouse but one full of the trashiest cast members of Made in Chelsea. A total dump and a hangout for angry middle-aged, divorced women and their braying brats, this is a place that serves the most revolting food known to man. The fare is so bad, in fact, that even a dog starved for a year wouldn’t touch it.
Harry’s Dolce Vita – 27-31 Basil Street, Knightsbridge, SW3 1BB
Harry’s Dolce Vita is somewhere Giles Coren hates. It’s somewhere the ‘Gulfies’ love. Narrow and full of oiks like Lucy Siddiqi and her deranged ‘vlogger’ daughter, Tijan, this idiotic hell-hole makes you throw a dice if you want a Negroni. God knows why. I’d throw a dice to Never Ever go back. There’s a reference to the pop group All Saints in that, but what is clear is this: We’d even rather the fleapit that was Café Rouge came back. (Pictured immediately above: Lucy Siddiqi harrassing the gold door of Harry’s Dolce Vita)
Janet’s Bar – 30 Old Brompton Road, South Kensington, SW7 3DL
Janet’s Bar has quite possibly the worst set of reviews ever on TripAdvisor. The majority fall into the category “terrible” and such news won’t surprise anyone who has actually been there. “Run” – if this acid tongued Tory councilor is capable of such an action – by one Janet Evans, here is a bar that should be a hit. For one, it is has late licence and for two, it’s in the middle of South Kensington – but no, Janet just cannot help herself. She is mean to her staff we’re reliably told, but worse still, this vicious old bat treats her customers like shit. Supposedly, also, she rarely bothers to wash the glasses. Go there at your peril.
Princi – 135 Wardour Street, Soho, W1F 0UT
Princi in Wardour Street is a pizza joint with bouncers. If you dare criticise their frankly crap “plastic pizza,” they’ll chuck you out. Avoid the bother and just go somewhere wonderful like Delfino in Mount Street or Riccardo’s in Fulham Road instead.