Tag: sex

Nutty Natalie’s Nonsense

Natalie Elphicke MP’s decision to take £25,000 to talk about her ‘Naughty Tory’ husband and her U-turn to now help him appeal his sentence show her as nonsensical, noxious and nutty

When her randy ‘Naughty Tory’ husband, Charlie Elphicke, became a convicted sex offender in July, his nincompoop wife Natalie – whom also shamelessly took over his former parliamentary seat – happily accepted a bung of £25,000 from The Sun to pen articles titled ‘My Ordeal’ where she proceeded to bleat about her “humiliation” rather than sympathise with the victims.

“Blubbering balderdash” correctly surmised one commentator of this wacky woman’s grasping antics, yet Amanda Plattell – a “dear friend” of fellow convicted sex offender Rolf Harris – decided to pen an article late last month for the Daily Mail about the matter. In her dippy diatribe, Plattell suggested Mrs Elphicke was right to do a U-turn and start helping her grubby, groping husband appeal his very much deserved two-year jail sentence.

Going further of her change of heart towards the sexual abuser she has two children with late last week, Natalie Elphicke astoundingly told Kent Live:

“I fully support Charlie in his appeal against both his convictions and today’s excessive sentence. The court seems to be on a bit of a mission, it entirely ignored the report of a highly experienced probation officer as well as sentencing guidelines.”

“There is no doubt that Charlie behaved badly. However, everyone, Charlie included, has the right to a fair trial, and I don’t believe that he has had one.”

“As I have written since the trial, I believe that Charlie’s conviction was a terrible miscarriage of justice. Having read all the evidence, including elements which the jury did not see, I continue to support him in every way possible in his appeal against both conviction and sentence.”

“Substantive appeals have now been lodged and I hope others may join me in supporting Charlie’s legal fight to clear his name.”

Whilst this might seem beyond crackers, henceforth, Natalie Elphicke OBE MP might do best to stop banging on about her favoured topic of immigration and instead examine her own moral compass. It plainly is beyond warped and, quite frankly, it is perhaps now time that this nutty woman retreated back into the shadows.

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Nutty Natalie’s Nonsense – To accompany her £25,000 interview, Natalie Elphicke turned on the tears and didn’t even bother to don warpaint. If she thought that would engender support from the public, she was very much wrongly mistaken.

Nutty Natalie’s Nonsense – Another topic on Natalie Elphicke’s agenda has been “getting Brexit done,” but now she has moved back to help her cad and bounder turned convicted sex offender husband, she has yet again just shown herself as utterly contemptible.

October 4, 2020
Mother Maxwell

Matthew Steeples suggests Jeffrey Epstein treated Ghislaine Maxwell like a “mother figure”

With unnamed commentators telling The Sun that Jeffrey Epstein was “initially funded by [the] tycoon Robert Maxwell” rather than, as has been generally suggested, Leslie Wexner, his relationship with the all-round figure of grubby ghastliness Ghislaine Maxwell begins to make a hell of a lot more sense.

Mucky madam Maxwell rather reminds me of a woman I know with an equally vast address book. This childless individual, known for stalking parties collecting business cards, has a devotion to her boss that is quite beyond putrid in its obviousness. She fawns on this frankly vile man as if he’s a God and one can see ‘Bouncing Bob’s’ bitch of a daughter treated evil Epstein in the very same manner.

With the woman I know, the ‘love’ goes completely unrequited and he, in fact, just treats her as the ultimate skivvy. With Ghislaine Maxwell, it was likely just the same with the one-time teacher turned megalomaniac utilising her clear ability to inveigle her way through society to further his deviant desires.

Jeffrey Epstein, however, plainly found ‘Mother Maxwell’ a dull lover and that is why their relationship, just like with the aforementioned Londoner I mention, never moved to marriage. Here, instead, was a woman whom this monster viewed to be the mother he never had.

Elsewhere on Twitter, “sex slave survivor” Kirby Sommers this morning tweeted: “Ghislaine worked for her father at his flagship paper The Daily Mirror, and was disliked by the employees for her “insufferable arrogance.” One of her father’s former secretaries complained: “She’d ask for a cigarette and walk off with the packet.”

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Mother Maxwell – Ghislaine Maxwell treated both her father and Jeffrey Epstein as if they were God-like figures in her life. They respectively actually treated her like dirt, but that didn’t stop her worshiping these mendacious megalomaniacs.

September 16, 2020
Phillip Schofield – What a Plonker!

All-round plonker Phillip Schofield’s wine range condemned as “only fit for the bin” and “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena”

Known for his extremely short fuse and once described by David Dimbleby as “cretinous,” Phillip Schofield recently launched a wine range in Waitrose and on Amazon. Unsurprisingly, it’s been a total flop and was quite deservedly condemned at the weekend in The Sun as “overpriced” and “bitter.”

Priced between £19.99 and £24.99 for 2.25-litre boxes, Schofield’s was slammed by one punter as “only fit for the bin” on Waitrose’s website. They added: “The wine [was] effervescing within the bag. No more palatable than fizzy Ribena” whilst another suggested: “I don’t have anything positive to say about the flavour at all. Not pleasant drinking. We failed to finish the box.”

Prior to launching the range in April, Schofield quite pompously bragged to The Drinks Business:

“When I agreed to this partnership, I had certain conditions; I wanted to be part of the tasting team… I wanted it to be good value. The result is something I felt I could really invest in.”

Schofield – whose ‘coming out’ and alleged connections to a young man named Matthew McGreevy attracted much media attention earlier this year – unsurprisingly failed to respond to a request from The Steeple Times for comment; he was probably instead too busy nursing a hangover headache from drinking his equivalent of Sir Cliff Richard’s equally vile plonk.

Pictured top: All-round plonker Phillip Schofield on a night out with his one-time ‘friend’ Matt McGreevy; Phillip Schofield’s bag-in-box wines.

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Sir Cliff Richard’s associations with wines, just like Phillip Schofield’s, have not always proved fruitful. In 2006, appearing on Gordon Ramsay’s ‘The F-Word,’ the crappy crooner had a meltdown during a blind tasting. After sipping one unnamed offering, Sir Cliff announced: “That’s rubbish. I wouldn’t pay for that. It’s tainted, it’s insipid, it tastes like vinaigrette. I’d never buy that.” Ramsay, responded by remarking: “Cliff, that’s your wine”. The singer is said to have answered: “Young man, go f**k yourself.”

What a Plonker – Phillip Schofield was photographed with Matthew McGreevy on a number of occasions during the latter’s youth.

What a Plonker – The television presenter with his “friend” at a later date.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=20&v=cGuoqjTg1O8&feature=emb_logo

September 14, 2020
Paedo Prevalence
A newly released report illustrating the prevalence of paedophilia amongst associates of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell is utterly shocking; it includes 87 figures with political connections who’ve also been involved in sexual abuse

Just as prosecutors have sought to deny Ghislaine Maxwell’s request to be told the “identities of the women who allege the former British socialite and girlfriend of Jeffrey Epstein recruited, groomed and ultimately sexually abused them as young girls,” a shocking new list of associates of the gruesome pair has emerged.

Released on a site named The Millennium Report, a list of “Democrats and Republicans connected to Jeffrey Epstein” submitted by one Anders Pederson lists 87 activists, donors and politicians who have been involved in child abuse, underage prostitution and human trafficking.

As well as Democratic donor Epstein himself, 44 Democrats and 42 Republicans appear in the shocking document and aside from obvious examples such as the fugitive film director Roman Polanski and the producer Harvey Weinstein, others on the list are far lesser known names.

Amongst the many shocking examples are:
- Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.
- Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.
- Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl.
- Democratic Governor of Oregon, Neil Goldschmidt, after being caught by a newspaper, publicly admitted to having a past sexual relationship with a 13-year-old girl after the statute of limitations on the rape charges had expired.
- Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.
- Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.
- Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.
- Democratic New York Congressman, Fred Richmond, was arrested in Washington D.C. for soliciting sex from a 16-year-old boy.
- Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.
Elsewhere, trying to justify his appearance in the address book used by Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein yesterday, Nicholas Coleridge described in The Spectator USA how they faxed update requests to friends and how all surprisingly agreed. He tried to claim that most never met Epstein even, but in his justification failed to explain why anyone with half a brain would give out their details to someone they supposedly had nothing to do with.

The mucky madam’s address book now, instead, should be the undoing of many others. Those present within it deserve further analysis and most especially those with political connections and power, such as Prince Andrew, Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, are especially worthy of being called out.

Pictured top: Paedo Prevalence – Jailed sex offender Harvey Weinstein, dead sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and accused sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell.

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Paedo Prevalence – Two convicted sex offender associates of Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein: Jeffery Patti and Robert Bauman.

Paedo Prevalence – Prince Andrew was warned “the circle seems to be tightening around those who were involved” by Professor Trevor Farrow of Osgoode Hall Law School at York University in Toronto last night. Meanwhile, in London, the Metropolitan Police’s Cressida Dick announced: “If the Americans need our assistance at any stage, then we will give them that.”

Paedo Prevalence – Associates of Ghislaine Maxwell such as Nicholas Coleridge and Alan Dershowitz have attempted to justify their links to the mucky madam as perfectly innocent and that is, indeed, in most cases likely true. Speaking about it, however, seems as stupid as Prince Andrew’s juggernaut crash of an interview. Pictured: Nicholas Coleridge, Piers Morgan, Ghislaine Maxwell, an unknown child, Geordie Greig and Ariadne Calvo-Platero.
August 14, 2020
Speak Up Now Randy Andy

As a new witness comes forward, it is time for the Duke of York to finally be truly honest; if ‘Randy Andy’ is genuinely innocent, it would be his best move

With a revelation this morning that a new witness claims to have spotted Prince Andrew in Tramp nightclub with Virginia Giuffre (then Virginia Roberts) on the night he claims not to have been there but instead at Pizza Express (Woking branch), a new problem has arisen for the non-sweating royal.

The witness in question, Shukri Walker, claims to distinctly remember the events of 10^th March 2001 on the basis that she “stepped on Prince Andrew’s foot and then apologised.” Speaking to The Sun, she remarked: “He looked like he was having a great time.”

Miss Walker – whom has been in contact with Lisa Bloom, an American lawyer for some of Epstein’s many victims – claimed:

“When I watched the BBC interview and saw Prince Andrew deny knowing Virginia, saying he has no recollection of that night, I had to come forward. Because I was there and I do have recollection of it.”

“He looked like he was having a great time. And he was with this young girl who was close to my own age, perhaps even a bit younger than me.”

“They were not that alone. They were with the woman who has just been arrested, and Epstein. I will never forget that night because I was told this is a real prince.”

“That’s the moment that stood out for me. I don’t think I would have remembered otherwise.”

Speak Up Randy Andy – Prince Andrew would now do well to answer the FBI’s questions. If he is as innocent as he claims, what has he got to lose? His reputation is already deservedly in tatters after giving a juggernauth crash interview to Emily Maitlis and his live-in ex-wife continually making a fool of herself. The authenticity of the image of him with the then Miss Roberts and Ghislaine Maxwell is now only disputed by him.

Miss Walker added:

“I do remember the little girl perhaps was a little bit drunk or just had a weird expression, an awkward expression. But she wasn’t smiling, it was the opposite of smiles.”

Aside from the unlikely possibilities that Walker could be mistaken and Giuffre could have concocted one of the biggest conspiracies in modern history, the main other issues for the prince are the fact he continued his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein after he had become a convicted paedophile and that he was photographed with the lady he allegedly had sex with in Ghislaine Maxwell’s house. That image, taken long before the days of Photoshop, is something he has tried to discredit, but with each denial the confidence in it being genuine has grown ever stronger.

Recently unsealed documents don’t help Prince Andrew – or Maxwell apologist Alan Dershowitz for that matter – but what we now know is that a young lady who stepped on ‘Randy Andy’s’ toe could most bizarrely be the solution to this truly rotten conundrum.

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August 4, 2020
Monster of the Moment – Dr Walter Palmer

Reprehensible “driller killer” dentist Walter Palmer will forever be remembered for slaying ‘Cecil The Lion’; the sexual harasser of his own employees has now gone and done it again – this time the monster massacred an endangered ram

Last month, we featured the story of a female manufacturer of undercrackers emblazoned with Donald Trump’s name who takes ‘pleasure’ in slaying bears. Social media junkie and hideous horror Priscilla Magana unsurprisingly outraged with her antics, whilst previously, her twisted ‘bestie,’ the shover-of-sex-toys-up-the-bums-of-sheep Larysa Switlyk, repeatedly did the same after we named and shamed her on these pages.

Now, an even viler example of barbarity has unbelievably returned to public attention in the form of Eden Prairie, near Minneapolis based Dr Walter Palmer, proprietor of River Bluff Dental. You will likely recall him as the degenerate dentist responsible for luring ‘Cecil The Lion’ to his death with the corpse of an elephant he’d also massacred in July 2015 in Hawagne District, Zimbabwe.

“Enjoyer of all outdoor activities” Palmer – a cretin who ‘kills’ his ‘prey’ with a bow and arrow rather than a rifle and someone whom deservedly became internationally loathed after having not orchestrated a “clean kill” on Cecil (whom tragically had to then be shot with a bullet 12 hours later after suffering immeasurable pain) – featured in the Mirror this morning after being snapped with a sheep he’d shot. This pointless Porsche driving pillock’s face supposedly “turned to anger” when confronted by a representative of the paper outside a bar in Bloomington, Minnesota about his having killed an endangered argali ram – a “species in danger of extinction.”

Plainly as delusional and deranged now as he was five years ago, Dr Walter Palmer – whom was forced to attend a course in ethics after paying out £100,000 in a sexual harassment case in 2009 – travelled to Mongolia for his latest ‘escapade’ as “the ram was on his list of hunts he wanted complete” said an “insider.” His travel companion, Brent Sinclair, then took to Facebook after the trip and disgustingly celebrated what they had done. Without naming his feckless ‘friend,’ he casually commented:

“Another great adventure has come and gone, one to be put in the memory book for sure. Just back from Mongolia, and it’s almost like it was only a dream. We saw rams every day and climbed around the hills in the Altai region getting as close as 20 yards one day to sheep bigger than I could imagine.”

“Sheep hunting isn’t sheep hunting without a midday nap in the sun on a mountain side, but its [sic] hard to relax and count sheep when all you can see through the scope are horns on rams bedded 200 yards away that carry twice the mass I have ever seen on sheep here in North America.”

“I’ve felt my heart beat in my ears when an 8000 lb+ bull elephant looked down his trunk at us as we stood in the thorn brush a mere 31 yards from those tusks and all you had was a bow in your hand… You drew back those 95 limbs and I thought to myself theres [sic] now way it’s going to do the job of harvesting that massive bull, but you placed the arrow perfect and the rest is history. This may however be the one that will be at the top of the pinnacle and hard to beat.”

“The Altai Argali of Mongolia is the largest of the worlds wild sheep and humbling is the only word one can use when you walk up to a ram like this for the first time… Thanks Amigo for the adventure… Look forward to our next one.”

After outrage over Palmer’s actions in 2015 resulted in him quite deservedly receiving death threats, Cecil’s head and skin was given to police in Zimbabwe. In the wake of his latest antics, we wouldn’t be surprised if members of the public now demand that this twisted monster have his very own teeth pulled out; we couldn’t think of a better fate for the monster that is Dr Walter Palmer.

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‘Cecil The Lion’ was pointlessly slayed by Dr Walter Palmer in 2015. Whilst the lion will forever be remembered fondly, the dentist will remain deservedly hated for having paid £32,000 to barbarically kill this much loved, majestic beast.

Dr Walter Palmer found his business targeted quite deservedly after he killed ‘Cecil The Lion’ and now he’ll hopefully find just the same after slaying an endangered ram. His firm’s address is River Bluff Dental, 10851 Rhode Island Avenue South, Bloomington, Minnesota, MN 55438 and his telephone number is +1 (952) 314 8668. He can be emailed at [email protected]

Dr Walter Palmer was deservedly condemned across the world in the wake of the 2015 slaying of ‘Cecil The Lion.’ Amongst those calling him out were the conservationist and zoologist Dr Andrew Loveridge of Oxford University – whom later wrote of the incident in his 2018 book ‘Lion Hearted.’

July 11, 2020
Remembering Jeffrey Epstein Albuquerque Style

Statue of late billionaire sex beast Jeffrey Epstein mysteriously appears outside City Hall in Albuquerque, New Mexico (and is promptly removed by officials)

A ‘statue’ of the dead sex offender Jeffrey Epstein somewhat bizarrely briefly put in an appearance in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday. God only knows why.

Positioned downtown in front of the city’s municipal hall, what turned out to be a gold paint covered mannequin was accompanied by a plaque. It read:

“Jeffrey Epstein (January 20, 1953 – August 10, 2019) was an American Financier who started as a teacher and worked his way up from a low level assistant to be one of the top financial advisers in the USA. He had a home in New Meixco, Zorro Ranch. He was also a rapist who died in prison.”

Speaking (with an “altered voice”) to Rebecca Atkins of KRQE News 13 on Wednesday, an “anonymous member of Antlion Entertainment ‘Art’ Collective remarked:

“We think we need an Epstein statue in every school ‘cos how are students going to learn he even existed? You know, those that don’t remember history tend to repeat it and so, if we don’t have statues of Epstein, how can we prevent the predatory behaviour?”

“A statue is just a statue,” the spokesperson added, whilst the local mayor, Tim Keller, responded with bemusement and commented: “I personally didn’t see it… I was like: ‘That doesn’t make any actual sense.’ So, that’s where I’m at right now.”

Whatever next? An erection of non-sweating, Pizza Express loving Prince Andrew embracing In-N-Out burger munching procurer Ghislaine Maxwell? Meanwhile, though the fate of the now removed statue is unknown, one witty sort quipped: “That statue will not hang itself!”

Pictured top: Left – The briefly installed Jeffrey Epstein statue; Top Right – Jeffrey Epstein with Donald and Melania Trump and Ghislaine Maxwell; Bottom Right – The paedophile with fellow sex offender Harvey Weinstein and Miss Maxwell at a party in Prince Andrew’s garden.

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The ‘statue’ was briefly positioned outside Albuquerque’s City Hall; a member of the Antlion Entertainment ‘Art’ Collective that ‘installed’ the mannequin posed for a photograph with it. ‘Newsweek’ later reported that their online searches “found no websites or accounts connected to the aforementioned art collective.”

In November 2019, the First Church of God Marseilles in Illinois were condemned for their “joke” sign that suggested Jeffrey Epstein “didn’t kill himself.” Though the church’s pastor explained: “It gave us a chance to expose people to Jesus and who he is, getting people to ask questions,” most simply condemned the move as being “in pretty poor taste.”

July 2, 2020
Observing Ambridge

Whilst one ‘Observer’ reader suggests Alan Bennett writes the monologues that have replaced normal episodes of ‘The Archers,’ another demands a return to standard broadcasts about Ambridge life

Whilst we joined those royally unimpressed when BBC Radio 4 “ran out of episodes” of The Archers due to the coronavirus lockdown back at the start of May, the radio soap’s return recently as a series of monologues has left Observer readers anything but delighted.

In a letter to the Observer this morning, one Ursula Hutchinson [on-the-ball listeners may remember Ambridge’s resident villain Rob Titchener’s meddling mother was also called Ursula] of Newport on the Covid-19 app friendly Isle of Wight, plainly inspired by his brilliantly straight-to-the-point Talking Heads series, suggested Alan Bennett be brought in. She remarked:

If ‘The Archers’ monologues are to go on, they need to ask Alan Bennett to write them. We’ve just endured a week of Tony’s haircut. Please!

Ursula Hutchinson

Newport, Isle of Wight

Last Sunday, another ‘Archers Addict,’ Mary Evans of Heathfield, East Sussex got even more het up. In her letter, the “enthusiast” declared the new format “totally dull and frankly not worth giving up 15 minutes of your life for, however much time you have to spare at the moment.” She vented:

How I agree with Miranda Sawyer regarding the new format of ‘The Archers’ (Radio review): totally dull and frankly not worth giving up 15 minutes of your life for, however much time you have to spare at the moment. I acknowledge the difficulties of broadcasting but the archive episodes were much more worthwhile, even though I took issue with the gloomy choice – Kirsty being stood up at the altar, the Grundys being evicted, the floods.

My fellow enthusiasts and I will be putting ‘The Archers’ on hold until they drop this boring format. Surely as it’s radio it must be technically possible to cobble together something like the original. I fear they may lose fans who will be disinclined to return.

Mary Evans

Heathfield, East Sussex

We join both Evans and Hutchinson in their lament, but The Archers scriptwriters have thus far provided one lockdown highlight: An episode where the village gossip Susan Carter – high on ‘honey rum,’ as one would be after desperately raiding the dregs of the lockdown drinks cupboard – referenced sexual antics for those in their later years after getting spiced up on homemade chilli.

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‘The Archers’ – set in the fictional village of Ambridge – first aired on BBC on 29th May 1950. It is the world’s longest running drama and thus attracts both accolade and criticism in equal measure from its somewhat dedicated audience.

In this legendary episode, Helen Titchener stabbed her husband Rob after he criticised her tuna bake.

‘Country Channel.TV’ went behind the scenes with the cast of ‘The Archers’ in January 2010. One character, Phil Archer, made the ‘Guinness World Records’ for being the longest serving actor in a single soap opera – Norman Painting played him from 1950 until his death on 29^th October 2009.

The second part of the behind the scenes tour of the radio soap inspired by life in a village in rural England. It was originally billed as “an everyday story of country folk,” but is now described (more suitably for the ‘woke’ generation we sadly live in) as “a contemporary drama in a rural setting.”

June 14, 2020
Mixed Up McGee

Dippy Debbie McGee yet again confirms her status as the ultimate airhead in boasting about her connections to ‘Randy Andy’ and is met with a denial from a royal source

Right now, most people would keep quiet any connection to Prince Andrew. Aside from his antics in Pizza Express (Woking branch), the disgraced royal is “in financial hot water following the Epstein scandal” according to Tatler’s amusingly named Hope Coke and he’s been “royally dumped” by everyone from Barclays to the University of Huddersfield.

With his dimwit on-off live-in ex-wife forced to take up hawking crappy books yet again to fend off other creditors, Prince Andrew’s woes continue to mount and now ‘The Lovely Debbie McGee’ has gone and stuck her oar into the thick of it. Of course, as always with “a sandwich short of a picnic” Debbie, it wasn’t meant nastily, but, as ever with her, the intervention was anything but relevant.

In this morning’s Daily Mail, a decidedly short-of-real-stories reporter called David Wilkes shared vitally important news that the late Paul Daniels’ wife now has a podcast titled Spill The Tea with Debbie McGee. He also revealed that on it, she’d bragged that Prince Andrew had flown the magician in “one of Her Majesty’s helicopters” from Stoke-on-Trent to Windsor Castle.

“Muggins, Me, McGee” – who also fascinatingly told of how she’d “knocked over a glass of wine last week” and “burnt the edges of her salad leaves the other day” on the podcast too – reported that she did not get to go along for the ride and was instead forced to drive the couple’s car to London. She, thus, luckily avoided an encounter with the Duke of York’s non-sweating hands, but was “sad” that she didn’t get a lift in the Queen’s car – which her husband got to hitch a lift in from Windsor to The Savoy Hotel also.

In response, a “royal source” flatly denied ‘Dim Debbie’s’ claims and remarked: “If this story is true it did not involve one of Her Majesty’s helicopters.” The poor dear plainly conjured up this story from the bottom of her tea leaves, but at least it wasn’t as sordid as when she revealed she put a “disturb mask across her private parts” whilst naked and waiting for her husband to come to bed. Now there’s a sexual story that definitely should not be repeated.

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May 26, 2020
Distraction Dom

Matthew Steeples suggests devious Dominic Cummings might actually be the best asset bungling Boris Johnson has got left; the king of distraction has made Jennifer Arcuri go away

Aside from consoling himself with the weak warblings of morose ministers who’ve been drafted out to lackadaisically laud him, most would suggest Dominic Cummings is the loneliest man in politics this Sunday. Instead, in reality – though no one’s got around to publicly saying it (yet) – this modern day Mandelson could still prove to be Boris Johnson’s most useful asset.

Hidden away somewhere deep in Downing Street in his beanie hat, this lookalike of Compo from Last of the Summer Wine crossed with Michael Kelly as Doug Stamper in the House of Cards has achieved one very important thing this weekend: Cummings has made the tawdriest elements of the Jennifer Arcuri story disappear from Sunday’s front pages.

Whilst Cummings’ wife, Mary Wakefield, certainly didn’t help the initial narrative with her clearly confused and contradictory account of how the pair had lived during their time with coronavirus in The Spectator, she certainly set in place curiosity as to where and in the company of whom the PM’s closest henchman had been sleeping. Then, when this Oxford graduate went “off on one” with his arrogant utterings as he clambered into his Land Rover Discovery yesterday, Cummings actually pulled a blinder.

Subsequent revelations as to whether the senior adviser to the Prime Minister attempted a rendition of Theresa May’s “wandering in the wheat fields” and boogied in the bluebells are surprisingly neither here nor there. Aside from quite rightly exciting anger from the public due to his hypocrisy, Cummings, in true Machiavellian fashion, has instead just shifted the news agenda away from BoJo’s very own bedroom behaviour.

In a clear example of the ‘distraction technique’ coming into play, Cummings’ travails have made everyone forget the sordid sexual relations ‘Bonking Boris’ had with the American founder of Hacker House. According to a most reliable source close to Downing Sttreet, Arcuri – a woman whom believes she has “been thrown under a bus” by her former lover – was about to give a “kiss-and-tell,” but has now retreated to her bunker. For now, ‘Bungling Boris’ can stay home and stay safe; the blabbering bird has (for now) been belted-up.

Pictured top: The finest examples of modern day distraction technique spinners in politics (both in reality and in fiction) have to be Dominic Cummings and Doug Stamper.

(Not So) Sexy Time with Jen and Dom – Jennifer Arcuri’s alleged attempt to kiss-and-tell about her indoor activities with Boris Johnson were supposedly put on hold this weekend due to the outdoor antics of Dominic Cummings dominating the news.

Elsewhere on social media and taking a break from sharing his enjoyment of Vimto and dislike of Jeremy Clarkson, the “laureate for our fractured times” turned Pan Macmillan published novelist Brian Bilston shared a poem he’d prepared about Mr Cummings. It follows.

Dominic Cummings: The Lockdown Tour

By Brian Bilston

He’s been locking down in London,

And a bit in Durham, too.

Not to mention Barnard Castle,

Legoland and Bristol Zoo.

He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent

And Weston-super-Mare.

He’s spread himself quite thin of late.

He’s been spreading everywhere.

He’s been locking down in Basildon,

In Derby, Penge and Frome.

Wherever he lays his beanie hat,

That’s his lockdown home.

He’s more spreadable than margarine.

He’s been spreading far and wide.

He’ll be locking down in your town soon:

Spread the word and stay inside.

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Tweedle Deviant and Tweedle Deviant – Is Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson’s brotherhood of bumbling balls-ups about to be brought to an end? The public are most definitely braying for blood.

May 24, 2020