Thursday, December 3, 2020

Overheard: 14th August

Classic clangers from the last week

 

Killing a festival

“I can’t believe the cheek” stated a student just back from a music festival: “Donna tried to kill herself in a Portaloo. What on earth’s wrong with her? Talk about effin’ inconsiderate. Sam Smith hadn’t even come on yet”.

 

Stinking wallpaper

“I was with Stinky Martin last night” declared a scaffolder in a café in SE1. “He wanted me to do his wallpapering at his ex-wife’s flat. I agreed though I’d never done it before”. His colleague answered: “What happened?” The first casually replied: “She is too gluey for me and she’s got BO. Before I’d got the first roll on, she tried it on. I got out after I’d distracted her by telling her to go and fetch the Lynx”.

 

Elder Zhao and his fellow Mormon will probably keep quiet on buses henceforth
Badged on a bus

Religiously happy

“I’m always willing to try something new” a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of The Latter-day Saints was overheard to say to his badged friend, Elder Zhao, on a bus on Kensington High Street. A fellow passenger turned and mockingly responded: “Have you thought about becoming gay?” The other Elder answered: “I’m perfectly happy, thank you”.

 

Pensioning off Williams

A pensioner in a pub in Sussex was overheard to lament the loss of her Labrador. She told the publican: “She was taken too soon. Everyone is going on about Robin Williams but they never knew him. I loved Bertha yet I’m the only one going on about her. She’s the one who should have a star in Hollywood”.

 

 

Subscribe to our free once daily email newsletter here:

     

    LEAVE A REPLY

    Please enter your comment!
    Please enter your name here

    Most Popular

    The (Loss) of Ludicrous Lord’s

    EXCLUSIVE – Matthew Steeples reports on coronavirus and the lack of Arabic arrivals killing off Knightsbridge’s most expensive ‘convenience’ store, Lord’s Food & Wine of Brompton Road, SW3.

    Pardoning Ghislaine

    Odds of 3/1 emerge on Donald Trump pardoning Ghislaine Maxwell before 21st January 2021 alongside Joe Exotic.

    Trump’s Jaguar Wall

    As the ‘Guardian’ reveals Donald Trump’s border wall construction is threatening the survival of jaguars in the US, our petition to get his endangered animal slaying supporter Larysa Switlyk banned from Instagram tops 13,000 signatures.

    Greedy Green Goes Red

    As ‘The Sun’ quite rightly rebrands Tina Green ‘Lady Greed,’ we join those demanding this creep cough up before Christmas; why should...

    Sir Shifty Returns to Zero

    As Arcadia looks set to go under today, ‘Sir Shifty’ Philip Green will deservedly become this season’s pantomime villain.

    Pintless, Pointless & Pathetic

    The government’s decision to ban people from further drinking after they’ve finished a “substantial meal” is pointless and pathetic.

    A Defender Desk

    As more and more people work from home, how about an unusual desk? Jaguar Land Rover have made one out of a Defender and it’ll set you back a pretty penny.

    Moron of the Moment – Gordon Ramsay

    That Gordon Ramsay thinks it acceptable to start selling burgers at £80 a pop at a time of economic meltdown confirms him as a cretin.

    Heroine of the Hour – Micheline Stephen

    Ninety-year-old daily martini drinker Micheline Stephen of Cupar, Scotland is to be saluted for grabbing a robber and calling him “a wee sh*te.”

    Get Out Ghislaine

    As Donald Trump looks set to pardon Michael Flynn, will he also somehow help Ghislaine Maxwell get out of jail also?

    Spying a Watch

    1950s Cold War espionage device disguised as a watch to be auctioned for a surprisingly low sum; someone could end up spying a bargain and something akin to what Jack Ruby even once owned.

    Nasty Nat’s Naughty Notes

    ‘Nasty Nat’ Natalie Elphicke MP – wife of convicted ex-MP turned sex offender Charlie Elphicke – rightly called out for pestering the judiciary with naughty notes.

    The World’s Worst McMansion – It’s So Bad, It’s Good

    New Jersey ‘McMansion’ complete with Flintstone-esque pebbled bathrooms and gaudy grottos goes on sale for £1.65 million; it’s so bad, it’s good.

    Is Covid Racist?

    Channel 4’s decision to show a documentary provocatively titled: ‘Is Covid Racist’ tonight is neither clever nor appropriate argues Matthew Steeples.

    The Best Gastrowagon By Far

    Land Rover converted into a ‘gastrowagon’ for television chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s first television series heads to auction.

    Word of the Week – Autolatry

    Susie Dent’s choice of ‘autolatry’ as her ‘word of the day’ was most appropriate; it sums up both Boris Johnson and Ghislaine Maxwell perfectly.

    Weather Now

    London
    few clouds
    4.1 ° C
    5 °
    3.3 °
    86 %
    2.6kmh
    20 %
    Thu
    5 °
    Fri
    5 °
    Sat
    6 °
    Sun
    5 °
    Mon
    5 °