Saturday, December 31, 2022

‘Kendal woman found in Kendal’


The ‘Silly Season’ is once again upon us


August is the time when newsrooms run out of things to say. With half the country on holiday and Parliament in recess, it’s the time of year when journalists write stories that range from the bizarre to the ridiculous.


Reporters have to work doubly hard to find stories during the 'Silly Season': many struggle
Reporters have to work doubly hard to find stories during the ‘Silly Season’: many struggle

Past example headlines have included such things as ‘Victor Meldrew found in space’ (The Sun), ‘Guards praised for tackling Russian who shot banana’ (Cambridge News) and ‘Pet catches the daily bus for four years’ (The Telegraph).


The best we’ve seen so far this ‘Silly Season’ comes from the Cumbrian newspaper The Westmorland Gazette. It announces that a 59-year old woman who got lost in Kendal has been found in Kendal (of all places). Now, that, indeed, is news for you.



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    1. It was during August of 1981, that I was invited to Orapa Diamond Mine in Botswana by old friends. Orapa is a town 150 miles west of Francistown. We were enjoying drinks at the De Beer’s mines recreational club. A intoxicated boer from Pretoria South Africa approached us, he wanted to know what time the 6 PM news cast was going to be broadcast over the television, as he was anxious to know the score of a rugby match.

    2. Jwaneng diamond mine is located in south-central Botswana 75 miles west of Gaborone.
      I was formally invited to a International First Aid competition at the De Beers owned mine.
      Esra Siebra accompanied me to this auspicious event. Participants came from mines as far field as South Africa and Namibia. We did some serious bar crawling in Gaborone before embarking on the long trek to Jwaneng mine.
      Esra had a serious external hemorroihdal condition. Esra popped into a local pharmacy store to purchase Anusol Suppositories to relief the swelling and pain to his asshole. The silly bugger was so intoxicated that he mistakenly procured Dulcolax Suppositories a stimulant laxative instead, only God knows how he managed this.
      We were allocated our dwellings on our arrival at the mine. Esra was in such discomfort, he declared his asshole was on fire. He shoved a suppository up his anus, without using a glove or lubricant.
      Esra Siebra was 1.85 cm in height and of very slender build, his legs were stick thin with a huge stomach and fat ass. He had the appearance of a chicken suffering from Newcastle Disease. He was not considered eye candy by the opposite sex.
      It was custom for participants, judges and guests to meet in the Mine Recreational Club the night before the competition. The Mine Manager made a welcoming speech and wished the participants well.
      I was having a drink with Linda, who worked in a Medical Station at a mine in Namibia. She was a goose with huge mammary glands, it was titillating just staring at them. Esra Siebra approached the bar area, informing me that he was going back to his dwelling, he claimed that his guts were dodgy. He all of sudden grabbed his anal
      region with both hands and started running towards the exit of the recreational club. He left a foul odour in the atmosphere, it was so unpleasant, Linda politely called it an early night. Thinking that I was the pig.
      I decided to look in on Esra, a mistake I regret to this day. A foul and offensive odour took my breath away as I entered the room, there was shit all over the wall, bed linen was soiled, Esra’s soiled pants and underpants was on the floor. He even had shit in his hair. It took hours to clean up the room, I attempted to wash the bed lined in the bath and scrubbed the walls and carpets. Siebra’s soiled clothes was discarded in the rubbish bin. It was a night from hell. Botswana was rough and tough and I loved every moment of it.

    3. The prevalence of haemorrhoids and chronic constipation are staggering in the United Kingdom according to a epidemiological study. Obesity and prolonged sitting, irregular bowel habits, abusing the lavatory as a library are widely believed to be a main contributing cause of the chronic relapsing nature of haemorrhoids.
      The political and privileged classes are identified as a risk group, the study demonstrates increased prevalence rates are associated with the privileged Political Class and Liberal Elite, also known to be bone idle at best of times.
      The Political Classes and the Liberal Elite must take good care of their assholes, it is after all their brand and logo.

    4. BBC Question Time comes from Johannesburg, looking at the future of South Africa after Nelson Mandela.
      Peter Hain made it categorical clear to the panel and audience that he had never been a bank robber. Hain continued “he accused certain former geriatric agents of the now defunct former South African Security Forces of circulating stories that are unverified. He described the actions of the former South African Security Forces as spiteful, hostile and bitter venomous poison to frame him for a botched up bank heist, although the bank cashier picked him from the Police identity parade staged 3 days after the robbery. Hain dismissed it as circumstantial evidence. Peter Hain did not rob the Barclays Bank Putney, South London.
      Peter Hain did not embezzle £100000 of tax payers money, Hain admitted “deeply regrettable administration failings. Peter Hain also admitted that large amounts of money had a peculiar effect on him, it gives him a aura and feeling of achievement, the power to produce outcome and buy influence. He blames total forgetfulness, lack of attention, momentary lapse of memory due to getting lost in the moment.
      Peter Hain is not a crook.


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