13.2 C
London
Sunday, May 31, 2020

Overheard: 15th September

Classic clangers from the last week

 

Drinking like Churchill

At The Duke of Clarence pub in Old Brompton Road, South Kensington an elderly drinker was overheard berating a barman. He commented: “Sir, can you make this drink stronger?” The barman looked puzzled and answered: “That’s the standard strength. We serve drinks, we don’t make them”. The customer slammed down his glass and stormed out. As he left, he exclaimed: “That water wasn’t fit to drink. To make it palatable, you should have added more whisky. Not good enough”. Plainly a fan of the Winston Churchill school of drinking.

 

Predicting the litter

In a Starbucks in Deansgate, Manchester, two women sat chatting about their families. One, named Trisha, was overheard to tell the other: “Did you hear? Janice is pregnant again. What do you think she’s going to have?”. The other, named Leanne, responded: “It’s simple, you know. What’s in the bitch, comes out in the pup”. With relatives like these…

 

Dame Vivienne Westwood is not Scottish and has made her fortune in London but is supporting the 'Yes' campaign this week
Dame Vivienne Westwood is not Scottish and has made her fortune in London but is supporting the ‘Yes’ campaign this week

 

Fashioning independence

At a London Fashion Week party on Sunday night, an American front row guest chatted with her neighbour. She said: “What’s all this fuss about people voting ‘yes’ and ‘no’ in this country?” Her neighbour, also American, responded: “I haven’t a clue. They’re a curious lot these Brits”. The first concluded: “All I know is that Vivienne Westwood is a ‘yes’; that’s good enough for me”.

 

Speaking on a Sunday

At the after-party for the same event, a guest tried to speak to a famous designer. The female guest – a wannabe fashionista – tapped the designer on the shoulder. He turned and smiled a very weird smile and then turned away. The blushing fashionista went red and whispered to a minder: “Why won’t doesn’t he speak?” The answer: “It’s Sunday… He never speaks on a Sunday”. Plainly a God fearing sort.

 

Bald sex

A reader was sat in The Blue Bar in Knightsbridge’s Berkeley Hotel. To her right, a bald man was chatting to a pretty girl. He stated: “My bald head is like a solar panel. It heats up and I’m like a sex machine”. The girl cringed.

 

Submit comments you overhear to editorial@thesteepletimes.com. We publish the best we receive once a week.

 

 

Subscribe to our free once daily email newsletter here:[wysija_form id=”1″]

 

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Most Popular

Beer is Very Good For You

Dutch scientist Professor Eric Claassen confirms a beer a day “would be very good for you” and suggests drinking such protects against insomnia, dementia and obesity.

An Eaton Mess

80 Eaton Square apartment for sale for £22.5 million in spite of needing complete renovation; it is listed at a price 25% cheaper than it was five years earlier through Chestertons.

Desmond Dropped

Ex-Daily Express owner Richard Desmond’s plans for a 1,500 apartment complex kicked out as Tory housing minister Robert Jenrick MP is shown to have “unlawfully approved” the proposed scheme.

Moron of the Moment – Darren Grimes

In threatening respected writer Peter Jukes with legal action, Darren Grimes yet again shows himself as nothing but a petulant pillock.

Mixed Up McGee

Dippy Debbie McGee yet again confirms her status as the ultimate airhead in boasting about her connections to ‘Randy Andy’ and is met with a denial from a royal source.

Could Mark Alexander be Innocent?

With humanitarian Terry Waite questioning the safety of the conviction of Mark Alexander for murdering his conman father Samuel, is it time that this curious case was reviewed?

Distraction Dom

Matthew Steeples suggests devious Dominic Cummings might actually be the best asset bungling Boris Johnson has got left; the king of distraction has made Jennifer Arcuri go away.

A Box Office Balls-up

Royal Borough of Kensington & Chelsea council’s decision to approve replacement for Kensington Odeon with a 63% smaller cinema is deservedly condemned as a “box office balls-up.”

A Magnum Muckup

Unilever ludicrously forced to “urgently” recall Magnum ice cream because it contains MILK. Health and safety busybodies at their finest.

Hero of the Hour – Adrian Chiles

BBC presenter Adrian Chiles’s delight in the simple pleasures of a pint in a park during lockdown reflects how so many feel.

Moron of the Moment – Larysa Switlyk

“Bitch of the first order” Larysa Switlyk takes to Instagram during the coronavirus lockdown to brag about her latest massacres; this moronic monster previously paid to shoot sheep in England.

Roy Clark’s Roller

‘I Never Picked Cotton’ singer Roy Clark’s Rolls-Royce heads to auction complete with suicide doors and emblazoned with his initials in gold leaf.

Lockdown Lunacy

Aleks Walker examines what famous folk have been doing at home during the coronavirus lockdown and identifies some quite bizarre examples.

Smiling Churchill and Scowling Edward

Rare photograph of Winston Churchill dining with Edward VIII to be sold as part of a sale on the eve of the 80th anniversary of him becoming Prime Minister. In a reversal of roles, it is the royal (nicknamed ‘Our Smiling Prince’) who is scowling whilst the future Prime Minister (nicknamed ‘Our Scowling PM’) smiles.

More Matters Marmalade – Part V

More Matters Marmalade – Part V – Guardian readers on marmalade – Letter penning ‘Guardian’ readers return to their favourite subject – marmalade. This time marmalade and tights.

Heroine of the Hour – Anne Diamond

Heroine of the Hour – Anne Diamond on Duchess of Sussex book – Anne Diamond is right to call out the Duchess of Sussex’s mint-making collaboration with Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand’s ‘Finding Freedom’ as annoying, daft and delusional.

Weather Now

London
clear sky
13.2 ° C
14.4 °
11.7 °
67 %
2.6kmh
0 %
Sun
22 °
Mon
22 °
Tue
24 °
Wed
22 °
Thu
18 °