Classic clangers from the last week
Drinking like Churchill
At The Duke of Clarence pub in Old Brompton Road, South Kensington an elderly drinker was overheard berating a barman. He commented: “Sir, can you make this drink stronger?” The barman looked puzzled and answered: “That’s the standard strength. We serve drinks, we don’t make them”. The customer slammed down his glass and stormed out. As he left, he exclaimed: “That water wasn’t fit to drink. To make it palatable, you should have added more whisky. Not good enough”. Plainly a fan of the Winston Churchill school of drinking.
Predicting the litter
In a Starbucks in Deansgate, Manchester, two women sat chatting about their families. One, named Trisha, was overheard to tell the other: “Did you hear? Janice is pregnant again. What do you think she’s going to have?”. The other, named Leanne, responded: “It’s simple, you know. What’s in the bitch, comes out in the pup”. With relatives like these…
Fashioning independence
At a London Fashion Week party on Sunday night, an American front row guest chatted with her neighbour. She said: “What’s all this fuss about people voting ‘yes’ and ‘no’ in this country?” Her neighbour, also American, responded: “I haven’t a clue. They’re a curious lot these Brits”. The first concluded: “All I know is that Vivienne Westwood is a ‘yes’; that’s good enough for me”.
Speaking on a Sunday
At the after-party for the same event, a guest tried to speak to a famous designer. The female guest – a wannabe fashionista – tapped the designer on the shoulder. He turned and smiled a very weird smile and then turned away. The blushing fashionista went red and whispered to a minder: “Why won’t doesn’t he speak?” The answer: “It’s Sunday… He never speaks on a Sunday”. Plainly a God fearing sort.
Bald sex
A reader was sat in The Blue Bar in Knightsbridge’s Berkeley Hotel. To her right, a bald man was chatting to a pretty girl. He stated: “My bald head is like a solar panel. It heats up and I’m like a sex machine”. The girl cringed.
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