Friday, December 3, 2021

Ask Mrs MILF – The agony aunt who's naughty but nice

Mrs MILF red My husband says that I never pay him any attention but as soon as he looks at a girl with a great body I am all over him like a rash. Is there a tendency throughout the female species to react in such a competitive way or am I being insecure?

Hannah W., Carlisle, Cumbria

If you don’t want him over you like a rash, what are you doing with him?

 

I met a Swedish bird in a bar. She stayed three days and went through my mobile. What do you think she was upto? Could she be something to do with Julian Assange or was she just typically Swedish?

Henry J., Belgravia, SW1W

You only knew she was looking through your phone because were spying on her through the keyhole whilst she was in your bathroom. I believe you were looking through her phone at the same time. You might do better to meet someone who you don’t need to pay by the hour. If you do such, you might find you’ll have a longer lasting and less costly relationship.

 

My friend’s wife is gorgeous but my wife doesn’t trust her. How should I suggest a foursome when my wife is drunk?

Graham W., Preston, Lancashire

Foursomes seem like wonderful symmetry and terribly grown up but alas they are never as fluid (excuse the pun) in real life as they are in films. I’m not being a prude. I’m just being pragmatic. On a practical level, the bodies just don’t entwine as you’d imagine and the best you can hope for is that you’ll laugh at the time and then leave feeling awkward. You’ll end up competing, comparing and feeling odd and your wife will always subsequently have sex with you with her eyes closed. She’ll be thinking about taking your money, your children and probably your best friend in the process. Think again.

 

A lady friend came to visit me and much admired my topiary. She has now invited me back to her home and even asked me to trim her bush one evening. I do have some large equipment that I have used on bushes that I have worked on for a number of years but as the lady has a garden overlooked by a number of properties, I’m not sure whether I should encumber her with this during the initial work. Can you please advise?

Jack P., Laycock, Wiltshire

Go Hollywood. That goes for both sexes. Recent research has proven that there is a decrease in pubic lice as a result of going Hollywood. I presume the gardening analogy was just an analogy and symbolic of something else. I was at the Hampton Court Flower Show the other day. I should have asked someone there.

 

My girlfriends and I were out for a night out and they started saying odd words and terms I’ve never heard of. They were talking about ‘trichophiliacs’, ‘triolislimists’ and being into ‘forniphillia’. Are these diseases or erotic sex language? I could not bear to tell them I didn’t know what they were talking about. Can you help me as next time I would like to join in rather than just being a bystander?

Araminta G., Whitstable, Kent

You have unusual friends. In brief, a trichophiliac gets turned on by hair (the longer the better). Think about pulling girls’ ponytails at school or finding Rapunzel the sexiest of the Disney heroines. A variation of this you could share is ‘paraphilia’ – getting turned on by having your hair cut or cutting someone else’s hair (which I believe most women ‘suffer’ from). The more expensive, vigorous and thorough the haircut, the greater the state of arousal. Think Edward Scissorhands.

 

‘Forniphilia’ is a form of bondage and objectification when someone gets turned on by becoming a chair or a sofa (depending on how large their frame is). I suppose it is an extension of the phrase ‘sit on me’.

 

I have no clue what a ‘triolislimist’ is but perhaps its got something to do with threesomes, making lists and getting turned on by fog and heavy dew.

 

Mrs MILF is lady with a cupcake and a whip who’ll solve all your problems be they in the bedroom department or elsewhere.

 

Mrs MILF welcomes your questions for her weekly column. Please submit them to her via editorial@thesteepletimes.com. She does not enter into individual correspondence and she won’t visit your home for personal consultations. Some names have been changed to protect the modesty of the individuals and their problems.

 
 

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  1. Mrs Milf’s expertise and knowledge of human sexuality is impressive. Esra Siebra was going to get married, you would have thought that a Mazel Tov was in order, revelations surfaced that his bride to be was of the Roman Catholic faith. Esra was determined to convert to the Roman Catholic faith.
    The shit hit the fan at the Brentwood Synagogue, the speculation among the congregation was that it was an act of desperation rather than true love.
    The Rabbi Harry Flax was appalled, he said; “Once a Jew, always a Jew.
    The Rabbi Harry Flax said; “Jews have fought for hundreds of years for acceptance, independence and liberation, and now Esra Siebra wants to sell it all for a doodle.
    I knew it was true love, as Esra had a condition known as the bending penis syndrome (Peyronies Disease)
    Peyronies Disease is a inflammation and connective tissue disorder of the shaft of penis, making the practice of sexual intercourse impossible.
    Esra commenced the conversion process with the help of Father John.
    On the day of the ceremony in church, Father John took the holy water and sprinkled it over Esra’s head, Father John said; “Esra Siebra, you are no longer a Jew, you are a Catholic”.
    “Esra Siebra, you are no longer a Jew, you are Catholic”
    “Esra Siebra, you are no longer a Jew, you are a Catholic”
    Three months later on a Friday night, Father John decided to give Esra a courtesy visit, to assess his progress as a newly converted Catholic. Father John was horrified finding Esra Siebra eating KFC Chicken.
    Father John said; “Esra Siebra in God’s name what are you up to, we have been through this a thousand times, on a Friday we eat Fish, Fish, Fish”.
    Esra responded: “Father John chill out, I took the water and said; ” Chicken, you are a Fish”
    “Chicken, You are a Fish”
    “Chicken, you are a Fish”
    Esra Siebra was a character.

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