Friday, December 3, 2021

Chelsea chicks chatter

High maintenance horrors who never fail to shock

 

It’s not uncommon to hear them in the bars and restaurants of Belgravia, Chelsea, Kensington, Knightsbridge and Mayfair. They bark orders such as: “I’m having a blow dry in three hours so I want a superfood salad but I want a little cheese burger with no bun as well. Got it? I’m in a bit of a fucking hurry. Got it? Fucking got it?” Manners maketh man and man, the “Chelsea Chicks who Chatter” just don’t have any.

 

'Chelsea Chicks who Chatter' love a Birkin more than anything else
‘Chelsea Chicks who Chatter’ love a Birkin more than anything else

 

Dressed in a “lovely fucking jumper darling” and capable only of peppering their conversations with “fucking hassled lovely” and “moving house is fucking lovely”, these power lunchers are not like the ladies seen gracing such places as Daphne’s and San Lorenzo in the old days. They want it “now, fucking now” and are speed talkers. They don’t stop. They do Miami, St Tropez and Canada and try to outdo one another on where they’ve “fucking Christmased” and “fucking PJ-d” (“private jetted” for those not in the know). “NetJets right? I’ve got all of that going on. Fucking yeah”.

 

“Too much salt, too much fucking salt, do a fucking salt test” shouts one at a bemused waiter whilst the other whines about “fucking Mustique” and her “lazy fucking ass” of a boyfriend. “I want gluten free and he gives me fucking red wine”, she screams. “There’s no noise in the house. All he has is fucking staff and all I have is a childish fucker who doesn’t understand school nights”, the other meanwhile raves.

 

As the “CCC’s” march urgently out of the restaurant to their next power appointments, one comments: “I’m laying it on fucking thick. It worries me so fucking much”. Yeah right. The best thing this woman – sorry, I stand corrected: “fucking strong girl” – could do is trade in her “fucking lover” in for another fucking Birkin.

 

 

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    6 COMMENTS

    1. Chelsea Guy asks girl #1: “What do you want?”

      She says, “I want love and affection. I want to feel safe and protected. I want to wake up next to a man I respect and adore and giggle a lot with. I want him to feel special, to know that I’m devoted to sharing growth, challenges and unforgettable adventures with him! I want to be able to rely on him for the same. I want to have playful interactions and honest conversations. I want to have courage in what I say and passion in what I do. I want to create an amazing family in a welcoming home where the dining table is always full of good food, genuine friends and lots of laughter. I want to play with my kids and make them feel loved, seen, heard, and confident to take on the world. I want to help them discover what gives them joy. I want to live my highest potential and support my family with my whole heart in living theirs.”

      Chelsea Guy asks girl #2: “What do you want?” She says, “I want a big diamond.”

      A year later: Chelsea Guy marries girl #2. The other one seemed too difficult to please…

    2. I wonder if at some time in the future a generation will return to the original English language without the words, ‘fuck’ ‘ shit’ and ‘like’ in every sentence. When one watches the old films one cannot help but wonder how it all came about.

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