Category: Tory Twerps

Morons of the Moment 2024 – Filthy Fylde Conservative Association

As man-pestering Mark Menzies, the MP they have supported since 2008, is exposed for yet more sordid sexual shenanigans, the Fylde Conservative Association yet again prove themselves a bunch of nutty nincompoops by sharing tweets about “vile degenerates” making “sexually explicit” comments

The Fylde Conservative Association clearly didn’t give two hoots when the MP they have repeatedly supported since his selection as a candidate in 2008, Mark Menzies, got accused of shady sexual shenanigans with a 19-year-old Brazilian male hooker named Rogerio Santos in 2014.

At that time, when Santos alleged pugnacious politician Menzies asked him to “buy ‘the poor man’s cocaine’ methedrone” and “have sex with him,” then Councillor Brenda Ackers brazenly barracked: “He has the total support of myself and two other members of the management team, they both support Mark also. [Members will be] very upset, both on Mark’s behalf and the fact that we like things to run smoothly in Fylde.”

This very same gaggle of gaga grannies that Ackers headed also didn’t give two hoots when this Scottish born Roman Catholic faced a police investigation for allegedly getting a dog pissed-off-its-skull in 2015. Equally, they didn’t give two hoots that this menace-to-men also faced further police questioning for “brawling” with a friend in 2015.

Later that year, the very same membership of the Fylde Conservative Association – when Menzies was subsequently proven “just” to have stood on and taken pictures whilst yet another of his so-called “friends” getting the aforementioned pooch pissed to the point of “poisoned” and “intoxicated” – clearly chose to show not an ounce of moral backbone. They again selected this raging rotten-to-his-core ratbag in 2017 and 2019.

Now, as mucky Menzies faces allegations that he misused party funds to “pay some bad people” in yet another sexual scandal involving multiple men, the Fylde Conservative Association have yet again swept the issue-in-hand under the carpet. On Tuesday, on their Twitter feed, this bunch of brazen buffoons reposted a tweet by Rishi Sunak.

It read: “This government is cracking down on the vile degenerates who make sexually explicit ‘deepfakes.’ We’re introducing a new law to ban the creation of these distressing and abusing images… Making a sexually explicit ‘deepfake’ image without consent is to become a new offence, with those convicted facing a criminal record and an unlimited fine.”

Curiously however, the Fylde Conservative Association – whose members would definitely feel at home with other “naughty Tory” sex pests including Charlie Elphicke and “bum groper” Chris Pincher – failed to make any mention of their views on Mark Menzies and his “middle of the night” activities involving one of their number paying “money after [Menzies] meeting a man he met on a dating website.”

According to The Guardian: “The source said Menzies had gone to the man’s flat, before going with another man to a second address, where he continued drinking. People at the address falsely claimed he had been sick and demanded £5,000 for cleaning up and other expenses, according to this account.”

“The source close to Menzies told The Times he paid the money because he was afraid of what would happen if he refused, but had insufficient funds in his own savings. They claimed he offered to repay the sum, but that local Tories who controlled the campaign funds said he did not need to.”

Whatever next for the Fylde Conservative Association? A party fundraiser for ‘Not-So-Dishy-Rishi’ down the local male brothel in Lytham St Annes?

Editor’s note – Unlike as is the case in many publications, this article was NOT sponsored or supported by a third-party. Follow Matthew Steeples on Twitter at @M_Steeples and watch his current nightly show on YouTube at 8.30pm daily.

A message from our editorial team – Thank you for reading this article. We’re more reliant on your support than ever as the shift in consumer habits brought about by coronavirus and the cost-of-living crisis impacts our advertisers. If you haven’t already, please consider supporting our trusted, fact-checked journalism by supporting our work via Patreon.

The Fylde Conservative Association (FCA) showed no sense of shame for their support since 2008 of Mark Menzies – a mouse not a man capable of waking old ladies at 3.15am to demand help in paying off “bad people” he’d supposedly hooked up with via gay dating websites. Instead, on the very day Menzies was exposed by ‘The Times’ – and after they clearly would have been approached for comment – they opted to retweet a missive about Rishi Sunak’s government “cracking down on the vile degenerates who make sexually explicit ‘deepfakes’” and which mentioned a “new law to ban the creation of these distressing and offensive images.” Perhaps, the concept of those in glass houses and stones had passed the gaga grannies and grandpas of Fylde that form the FCA by, but maybe they should have dealt with their own local degenerate, Mark Menzies, at an earlier date given his previous form with Brazilian rent boys, photographing friends poisoning dogs and getting them drunk and “brawling” with supposed friends.

Forced to resign the Conservative whip on 17th April 2024, Mark Menzies has previous form having been the subject of front page about his activities with young men on several occasions. One is left asking: “What on earth was it about this scandal prone scrounger that made the Fylde Conservative Association to continue to select him as their parliamentary candidate four times from 2008 onwards? Could they really not find someone with more decency and dignity than this degenerate deadbeat?”

Mucky menace and former Marks & Spencer employee Menzies tweeted on the 12th April about “concerns” about St Annes beach. He failed to address the fact there have bene far more significant “concerns” about his personal behaviour for months. In an “exclusive” in which she “broke her silence” on Thursday 18th April 2024, the ‘Mirror’ reported that Katie Fieldhouse, 78, a former Lady of Mayoress of Fylde, said she received a call from Menzies at 3.15am on 1st December 2023, “in which he allegedly asked for £5,000 as he was locked in a flat with some ‘bad people’ … and branded his behaviour unacceptable.” Ms Fieldhouse claimed she “refused and called his office manager who later stumped up the sum, which had risen to £6,500. She was later reimbursed from a campaign fund paid for by donors, the paper reported… Ms Fieldhouse told the ‘Mirror’ that she later contacted the Tory party, in January to express her ‘concerns’ about Mr Menzies. ‘I spoke to the chief whip on the 3rd of January and told him my concerns’ she said. ‘All the things that had happened accumulated in my head. I came to the conclusion that something had to be done about it because I have a great fondness for my constituency. Ms Fieldhouse would not comment when asked if she thought the MP should resign. But she said: ‘I put my faith in the Conservative Party to deal with Mr Menzies.’ She continued: ‘I am a devout Conservative, all my life, and also a devout Christian, and I cannot accept his behaviour. It is very upsetting.’ Ms Fieldhouse said she was approached by ‘The Times’ after speaking to the chief whip. And she added: ‘I have read the article in ‘The Times.’ Everything in it is true.’” Ms Fieldhouse had previously not been named in ‘The Times’ article by senior investigations reporter Billy Kenber whilst Menzies responded: “I strongly dispute the allegations put to me. I have fully complied with all the rules for declarations. As there is an investigation ongoing I will not be commenting further.”

Brenda Ackers – who defended her chum Mark Menzies in 2015 by stating: “He has the total support of myself and two other members of the management team, they both support Mark also. [Members will be] very upset, both on Mark’s behalf and the fact that we like things to run smoothly in Fylde” – herself has form. In September 2013, according to Blackpool rag ‘The Gazette,’ Ms Ackers was “reprimanded by the mayor” for refusing to apologise for making “disrespectful remarks.” Speaking to the paper, she raged: “I don’t know why the mayor interrupted me because nothing that I said was in any way objectionable.” In turn “rebuking her,” another councillor stated: “When the mayor stands, the councillor sits down” as she was “greeted with heckles of ‘sit down, shut up.”

The Twitter handle of the repeatedly disgraced MP’s former constituency association has not even updated to reflect the fact that he is no longer a Conservative Member of Parliament.

April 18, 2024
Lettuce & Jam – Which’ll end up having lasted longer? The Liz Truss lettuce or Meghan Markle’s jam?
As meddling minx Meghan Markle gets mocked about her jaunt into jam and loopy lettuce-loathing loon Liz Truss gets mocked about bumbling like a buffoon about her book, Samantha Markle speaks exclusively to ‘The Steeple Times’ about her soppy, self-centred sister

In comments to The Steeple Times last week, Samantha Markle shared a most sensible set of sentiments about her half-sister, the Duchess of Sussex marrying into the royal family.

In remarks sent via WhatsApp messenger, this wise and witty author and screenwriter shared her thoughts about the ongoing sagas caused by the outrageous behaviour of the drip Prince Harry and his mendacious menace wife, the wicked wench formerly known as Meghan Markle. Samantha Markle spoke for many and observed:

“I knew this was all just by design from the beginning… I hate to say it, but had everyone listened to me from the beginning, we would not be where we are today in the world with this madness.”

“If you really think about it, if it could all be unraveled and had people listened to me and had Harry listened to Prince William about not being hasty, things would be different now.”

Now, just days later and yet again proving herself as a self-centred, self-serving, self-publicist, the Duchess of Sussex has again made it all about herself and bizarrely brought out her own ‘brand’ – if this supposedly homemade muck could even be termed such – of jam.

Issued as a “limited edition” of just 50 jars, the sister-in-law of Prince William’s “American Riviera Orchard” strawberry offering was described as a “soft launch” and “so sweet” by the usually acerbic Perez Hilton. The pots were supposedly gifted to “influencers” – a group of bizarre beings deservedly mocked by Miriam Margolyes yesterday when she asked: “What the f**k is that?” – including someone with just 7,459 Instagram followers named Tracy Robbins and someone else slightly more popular with 560,000 Instagram followers from Argentina named Delfina Blaquier. We doubt any of you will have heard of one, let alone both of these Botoxed brainboxes.

Of the gooey gloop, Robbins gushed: “I absolutely love this jam so not sure I’m sharing with anyone, thank you M!” before cringeworthily crafting: “Breakfast, lunch and dinner just got a little sweeter.” Blaquier, the wife of one of the dopey dunce Prince Harry’s few remaining “pals,” polo player Nacho Figeraus, sordidly “slathered the sweet stuff on a piece of toast alongside strawberries and a cheese plate” and said: “Strawberry jam makes me happy and I am your jam.”

Meanwhile elsewhere, she-who-lasted-less time than an iceberg lettuce in serving just 49 days in office, the shortest-lived Prime Minister in modern history, The Rt. Hon. Liz Truss MP, has been doing the media circuit also. Clutching a copy of a banal book she’s allegedly written yet could not hold the correct way around or the correct way up, Truss has come out in support of Donald Trump and in favour of abolishing the United Nations.

Which of these two tepid twerps will reach their best before dates first? A confirmed betting man would be at a loss even and would avoid any kind of wager on ‘Bizzy Lizzy’ and ‘Mucky MeGain.’

Editor’s note – Unlike as is the case in many publications, this article was NOT sponsored or supported by a third-party. Follow Matthew Steeples on Twitter at @M_Steeples and watch his current nightly show on YouTube at 8.30pm daily.

A message from our editorial team – Thank you for reading this article. We’re more reliant on your support than ever as the shift in consumer habits brought about by coronavirus and the cost-of-living crisis impacts our advertisers. If you haven’t already, please consider supporting our trusted, fact-checked journalism by supporting our work via Patreon.

Sisters together in happier times; the jam flogger (pictured right) is now getting flagged up for her latest attempt to profit from her marriage into the royal family. One member of the public quite rightly asked on social media: “Is it right for the daughter-in-law of the King to be selling her soul to sell fifty pots of bloody effing jam?”

American Riviera Orchard is the ‘brand’ the Duchess of Sussex is attempting to launch. That she cannot even get the labels to stick on to just 50 bottles of jam properly is proof enough that this is a ‘brand’ that won’t exactly be considered a threat to Tiptree, Hartley’s or Bonne Maman.

The most disastrous PM the Conservative Party has ever selected, Liz Truss, lasted 49 days in office; she got very upset about the comparison to a lettuce lasting longer than her and she must be absolutely irate that there is even a Wikipedia page celebrating “the lettuce ‘victorious’ over Truss.” Of the mockery, Truss herself raged: “I don’t think it’s funny, I just think it’s puerile.” In response, the ‘Daily Star’ called her “fun sponge Liz.”

The mere suggestion that Meghan Markle “likely made the 50 jars of jam she sent to friends ‘with her own hands using ingredients from Montecito’ as part of the very soft focus launch of American Riviera Orchard in an attempt to highlight the brand ‘rather than herself,’ claims expert” were met with derision; Liz Truss’s antics regarding the lettuce had been met with similar mockery in the autumn of 2022 with mockups such as this (pictured right).

Neither women look exactly ‘at home’ in the kitchen; which is a more likely Julia Child and which is a more likely Nigella Lawson?

The late distinguished and dignified Queen Elizabeth and the distinguished and dignified current King Charles have never looked comfortable being pictured with either the repugnant and rotten Liz Truss or the repugnant and rotten Duchess of Sussex. One has to wonder why; the two mentioned formerly clearly were of sound judgement.

When the wicked wastrel and alleged “yacht girl” formerly known as Meghan Markle handed out bananas with patronising notes written on them, she was deservedly derided. What on earth else did this nasty nutcase expect would have occurred?

‘MeGain’ used to blog about her supposed favourite wine, Tiganello. Now, with the launch of her new American Riviera Orchard ‘brand,’ one has to wonder if she’ll also be launching her own tipple also. The public hope not given it’d likely be as acid and acerbic as her own rotten persona.

What’s the truth about the stories that abound about the Duchess of Sussex?
- In November 2021, the duchess was forced to apologise to the Appeal Court in London for making a misleading statement in her privacy case against The Mail on Sunday’s publishers.
- Her very own father, Thomas, has called out her many untruths about him and others again, again and again.
- Of her claiming having got married the day before she actually did, Mr Markle stated: “Lying about the archbishop? How can you say: ‘We’ve been married three days before we got married’? Her lies are so obvious, I don’t know why she says them.”
- Her very own half-sister, Samantha Markle, who is currently continuing a defamation case against her, has called her out as a liar on multiple occasions also. It has been proven that the duchess’s claim that she hasn’t seen her sibling in over 20 years was untrue given a photo of the pair together 14 years ago proves quite to the contrary.
- Her very own half-brother, Thomas Jr., said of her: “I told Prince Harry, I think she’s going to ruin your life. She’s very shallow… She’s a phony, a bully, a jaded, shallow, conceited woman.”
- The wife of Prince Harry has been called out on multiple occasions for spinning stories against other members of the royal family, most especially the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
- Staff who’ve worked for her have complained that she is a bully and investigations into this remain ongoing.
- The Duchess of Sussex is a known manipulator of the press and paparazzis and it has been claimed that she’ll “twist the truth” to get any headline she wants.
- Questions remain as to how many times she’s actually been married in total. Some say twice, some say thrice.
- What’s the truth about Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland? Is this clearly equally manipulative woman an honest and decent citizen or is she a jailbird who has spent time in the clink?
- Did the ‘Montecito Meddler’ meet Prince Andrew or Prince Harry first? Rumours abound that she could have spent time and holidayed with the former as long ago as 2001 and that her claim to have no prior knowledge of the royal family until 2016 is just utter baloney.
- “Would you trust this woman with a bargepole?” is something often asked of this money motivated minx.
April 17, 2024
Poundland Pinching Pincher – “Arse Squeezing” Tory Terror Chris Pincher MP Must Be Punched Out

Grubby groper Chris Pincher MP must now be thrown out of Parliament unceremoniously; this filthy disgrace should be chucked off the terrace and into the Thames along with the rest of the raging sex pests amongst his creepiest of colleagues

“Pincher by name and a pincher by nature” and “a pound shop Harvey Weinstein” are just two of the appropriately noxious nicknames attributed by former Conservative colleagues to the slammed as “shocking by any standards” The Right Honourable Chris Pincher MP.

The “full on grope” loving Member of Parliament for Tamworth “brought the House into disrepute” and most worthily was given an eight-week suspension after being condemned by the Standards Committee for doing “significant” damage to public life. The now former Prime Minister Boris Johnson had first been made aware of “alleged misconduct” about Pincher in 2017, yet chose to completely ignore this in the subsequent five years and in subsequent Cabinet level appointments.

Referencing 53-year-old, Walsall born Pincher’s filthy antics at the once tony Carlton Club in London on 29^th June 2022 – which included what one victim referenced as “squeezing [his] arse” and “kind of grabbing where [his] testicles [were]” and “squeezing” – the Commissioner raged:

“[It is a matter] of fact [that] Mr Pincher groped two individuals.”

“Mr Pincher touched the first individual (the complainant) on his arm and neck, before groping his bottom. Mr Pincher groped the second person on his bottom and then groped his testicles (Witness 3).”

“The damage that has been caused to the reputation and integrity of the House and its Members cannot be described as trivial, unnoteworthy, or not important to address.”

“The damage is significant. It involves behaviour that by any standards was shocking, deeply inappropriate, and adversely impacted two unsuspecting individuals who had no expectation that they would be subjected to such behaviour.”

“Further, it was conduct that risks advancing a misplaced public perception that Members of Parliament do not have to abide by normal standards of behaviour and can commit acts of misconduct with impunity.”

Given that any suspension over 10 days is likely to generate a recall petition, this morning Sky News’s Tamara Cohen suggested:

“I think a by-election is very likely [in Tamworth]… This could be a fifth one for Rishi Sunak.”

It is unknown as to whether Mr Pincher remains a member of the Carlton Club or whether he was expelled, but equally it should now be enquired as to if, and if not why, the Metropolitan Police have taken actions against him. Given creepy actor Kevin Spacey’s current trial involves similar allegations, if they don’t, this sordid saga could pile further disgrace on the police formerly headed by Dame Cressida Dick.

Elsewhere on social media, The Steeple Times’s Matthew Steeples conducted a poll (see below) and added:

“Given there are over 50 individual cases of MPs accused of sexual misconduct out of the 650 MPs currently in the House of Commons, if this mucky matter isn’t dealt with at a higher level, public confidence in Parliament will fall only further. How on earth can the public trust Members of Parliament to represent us, when so many of them cannot help but keep their filthy hands off members of that very same public?”

Editor’s note – Unlike as is the case in many publications, this article was NOT sponsored or supported by a third-party. Follow Matthew Steeples on Twitter at @M_Steeples.

Pictured top – The bottom and testicle pinching MP with the man whose career he helped end, the former Prime Minister and father-of-children-number-of-unknown Boris Johnson.

A message from our editorial team – Thank you for reading this article. We’re more reliant on your support than ever as the shift in consumer habits brought about by coronavirus and the cost-of-living crisis impacts our advertisers.

If you haven’t already, please consider supporting our trusted, fact-checked journalism by supporting our work via Patreon.

Is alleged bottom pincher @ChrisPincher MP going to pay the price of his alleged bottom pinching by losing his currently @Conservatives held seat? #ChrisPincher #Pincher #groping #gropegate #Conservatives #politics #ToryScumOut
— Matthew Steeples (@M_Steeples) July 6, 2023

This morning on Twitter, Matthew Steeples asked: “Is alleged bottom pincher Chris Pincher MP going to pay the price of his alleged bottom pinching by losing his currently Conservatives held seat?” By 11:30am on Thursday 6^th July 2023, the majority of respondents favoured the answers: “Yes; definitely deserved” and “Yes; and put him in the stocks.”

Other Tory twerps who’ll go down in history as ‘Sex Pests’ (at the very least)…

Now ex-MP Neil Parish will forever just be remembered at for watching ‘tractor porn’ whilst sitting in the Chamber of the House of Commons. This creepy farmer turned Tory will go down in history as a grubby, skid-mark on parliamentary history. Mr Parish laughably claimed later that what he had done was “very immoral” but not illegal; he argued that he’d actually been looking at Class Dominator tractors, a brand of combine harvesters.

Another person who thought she could make the House of Commons a “sexual area” was Sally Bercow, the wife of the now former Speaker, John Bercow. She is pictured here in their home within the Palace of Westminster clad in nothing but a sheet. That she went on to have an affair with her own husband’s cousin, Alan Bercow, about says all that needs to be said.

In April 2022, the Conservative MP for Somerton and Frome, David Warburton, was accused of sexually harassing three women. He was subsequently admitted to a psychiatric hospital, pictured in a photograph with lines of what looked like cocaine and was also revealed to have taken a loan of £150,000 from a Russian businessman through a Seychelles company without declaring it. This member of Mensa was subsequently suspended from the Tories awaiting the outcome of an Independent Complaints and Grievance Scheme (ICGS) investigation into allegations of harassment and drug abuse.

Another decidedly dodgy MP still in the House of Commons is Rob Roberts. The Member for Delyn “acted inappropriately after he sought to engage in a relationship with a male member of his staff,” according to a report in May 2021. This former “financial planner” was elected as a Conservative, but still shockingly sits as an independent to this day, but has now “separated” from his wife Alexandra Roberts supposedly.

In April 2022, Tory MP Imran Ahmad Khan was jailed for groping a 15-year-old boy in 2008. He was expelled from the Conservative Party and resigned as an MP. He subsequently appealed, but failed to convince anyone that he was anything but a nonce in December 2022.

The ultimate examples in Tory sex pest scum are Charlie Elphicke – a now convicted, ex-MP and sex offender – and his wicked, immigrant hating scumbag wife, Natalie Elphicke. That the Conservatives gave this woman her criminal husband’s seat to make her own speaks volumes as to how the once great political party of Margaret Thatcher feels about making monsters pay for sex crimes.

July 6, 2023
Booing Boris V Cooing Carrie – Johnsons Booed

As rumours swirl about whether they are still actually living together, Boris Johnson and his puppet mistress Carrie unsurprisingly got booed at Jubilee Service of Thanksgiving

When she’s not lavishing £840 a roll of other peoples’ money on chintzy Lulu Lytle wallpaper or munching on fancy nosh gifted in Lady Bamford’s £1,000 a pop “colossal Daylesford hampers,” Carrie Johnson enjoys chucking no doubt very expensive red wine on sofas, abusing staff at Chequers and dancing to ABBA with the lads she nicknames “the gays.”

Still allegedly a senior advisor to the ocean conservation charity Oceana – which was for many years funded in part by the convicted mucky madam sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell – and also head of communications for the controversial Aspinall Foundation, the missing for some months now baby mama to the PM finally reappeared together on Friday in London.

Unsurprisingly booed on arrival and departure from St Paul’s Cathedral by many and jeered at by others, the public subsequently suggested on social media that yesterday’s show of unity was nothing but to keep the press and public’s speculations at bay.

Dressed like a scarlet woman in red, the former Miss Symonds’ body language was called out as “forced” whilst her husband looked somewhat haggard. Here, indeed, was a couple who clearly were not enjoying the moment and a couple doing it only to help fend off the fact that around 30 Tory MPs have most definitely submitted letters of no confidence to the 1922 Committee.

With more likely having done so without declaring their hands, we now have a Prime Minister in both personal and political turmoil. He is not a steady captain for the ship that is Great Britain and once the fun and festivities are over on Monday, it is time for ration and reason. It is now time to start the process of getting this country back to dignified political leadership as we move into Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s 71^st year at the helm.

Pictured top – Yesterday, satirical site @Mockeree shared on Twitter: “Boris and Carrie Johnson appear together at the #PlatinumJubilee thanksgiving service, quashing rumours of a rift.”

LBC radio jockey James O’Brien suggested that the Prime Minister’s wife wore a “hat that shields her husband from her sight” whilst others argued the jeering at St Paul’s to be “judged best international PR move by [the] British public since 2016.”

Others, amongst them Saif Islam, suggested the reaction was “not isolated” and added this was a “roar of rage from Middle of England.” Here is a premier who is truly loathed and detested and frankly here is a wazzock who should just have stayed at home.

As the Conservative leader and his current wife arrived at St Paul’s Cathedral on Friday, they were most certainly met with anything but adulation. Here instead the modern-day Marie Antoinette and her bumbling buffoon husband found themselves hearing the wrath of a public sick to their stomachs with a government that governs only for the benefit of themselves.

As the couple left the event, they were again met with jeering. It illustrated how hated they truly are and it is most certainly indication that it is time for them to go. With polls predicting a “very heavy loss” in the Wakefield by-election and the likelihood of the 54-letter threshold being reached on Monday, here is a leader on the verge of being toppled and here is one that the public most certainly will not miss. It is time for this national disgrace to do the decent thing on the final day of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s Jubilee and it is time for him to finally resign. Decent, true people everywhere would most certainly say cheers to that.

Members of the public cited the current government’s policies on Brexit and the Partygate scandal as amongst the reasons they jeered the current Conservative Prime Minister and his puppet mistress wife. They did not harbor dislike for the Queen, but they do harbour hatred for this country’s rotten government.

June 5, 2022
Carrie Doesn’t Live Here Anymore – PM Wife Missing 2022
It seems “Carrie doesn’t live here anymore” has become the likely fate of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s currently missing wine chucking puppet mistress as “Where is Carrie Johnson?” trends on Twitter

Conspicuously absent even before her spokesperson shared that she “apologises unreservedly” for breaching lockdown rules in a statement on 12^th April, the Prime Minister’s latest ‘baby mama’s’ is on the missing list.

The wench formerly known as Miss Symonds did not even emerge last Thursday to accompany her husband to vote in the local elections and in turn social media has gone into overdrive asking: “Where is Carrie Johnson?”

Speculation online has been wild and aside from suggestions that she might have gone off to her mates in Russia, other most likely far-fetched ideas number that:
- She’s run off with her ex-lover Oliver Haiste.
- She’s discovered Boris Johnson having an affair with a cabinet colleague and having chucked more wine at him, moved out.
- Gone off to rescue the convicted sex offender and mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell; Miss Maxwell used to fund Mrs Johnson’s onetime employers, the Oceana charity.
- Defected to support Labour and Sir Keir Starmer.
- It wasn’t Rishi Sunak’s removal van that visited Downing Street recently, but instead hers.
- Been put in rehab; she does have a history of chucking wine and the police being called.
- Moved in with her husband’s arch nemesis Dominic Cummings.
- Gone organic dining with Lady ‘Doors To Manual’ Bamford – whose firm supplied her with £27,000 worth of organic nosh during the 2020 lockdowns.
- Been mauled to death by her aggressive terrier, Dilyn.
- Been buried Brookside style under the ‘Partygate’ patio in the Downing Street garden.
- Turned her ‘Chatty Rat’ ABBA dancing chum Henry Newman straight.
- Sailed away with The Right Honourable The Lord Lebedev of Hampton in the London Borough of Richmond upon Thames and of Siberia in the Russian Federation.
- Gone decorating with Lulu Lytle; her of ‘Wallpapergate’ fame.
- And finally, been taken away by creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard – whose 1979 hit was all about someone of her name having gone missing.
Rather like a future line of inquiry for the Where’s Wally? series, the mystery of what has happened to Prime Minister’s current wife remains an open investigation.

Pictured top – Cliff Richard showing photos of his missing ‘conquest’ in the video for ‘Carrie’ (left) and a mocked-up image of a Metropolitan Police missing persons’ poster featuring the former Miss Symonds that has been doing the rounds on Twitter (right).

Poll – Where’s missing for at least a month Carrie Johnson disappeared to?
— The Steeple Times (@SteepleTimes) May 8, 2022

I’m guessing Carrie has a postal vote so she doesn’t have to be seen with him. And I bet she didn’t show it to him either … https://t.co/VqrHPB5Hly
— ALASTAIR CAMPBELL (@campbellclaret) May 5, 2022

Reactions To Boris Johnson’s Wife Going Missing on Twitter

Sir Cliff Richard’s Creepy 1979 Song

Released in December 1979 as the third single lifted from the Rock ‘n’ Roll Juvenile album, ‘Carrie’ reached number four in the UK Singles Chart and “became an international hit.”

It was written by Terry Britten and Brian A. Robertson and of it the latter once remarked: “The strength of the song comes from the fact that you’re never quite sure what it’s about. You don’t know whether Carrie is homeless or whether she’s squatting or what. You don’t know whether Cliff, as the narrator, is the husband, boyfriend, lover, brother or father. Nowhere does the song say what the relationship with Carrie is. It’s very mysterious and musically it falls in the same groove as ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine.’”

Taking an alternative view, AllMusic journalist Dave Thompson suggested of the song: “[It’s] a deliberately sinister and enthrallingly atmospheric number… [It] could sound trite” whilst the crackpot crooner ‘Cliffy’ himself told The Mail on Sunday of it in November 2008:

“It’s a mysterious song because you never really know what it’s about. A guy turns up in the neighborhood asking where Carrie is. The very last line goes: ‘Carrie doesn’t live, doesn’t live…’ You’re left thinking: ‘Is she dead? Has she been murdered?’”

Sorry to disturb you

But I was in the neighborhood

About a friend, I’ve her picture

Could you take a look?

Oh, I appreciate you’re busy

And time is not your own

Yeah, maybe it would be better

If I telephoned

Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie)

Carrie used to room on the second floor

(On the second)

Sorry that she left no forwarding address

That was known to me

So, Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie)

You could always ask at the corner store

(Could ask)

Carrie had a date with her own kind of fate

It’s plain to see

Another missing person

One of many we assume

The young wear their freedom

Like cheap perfume

Returning my call

(To help the situation)

They’ve nothing at all

You’re just another message

On a pay phone wall

Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie)

Carrie used to room on the second floor

(On the second)

Sorry that she left no forwarding address

That was known to me, Carrie

Carrie doesn’t live here anymore

(Carrie doesn’t live, doesn’t live here anymore)

Carrie used to room on the second floor

(On the second)

Sorry, Carrie left no forwarding address

It’s a mystery
May 8, 2022