Category: Loudmouths

Keep His Kit On Cliff

Sanity reigns as creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard announces “he would no longer be able to pose topless” and will thankfully keep his kit on instead

During an especially soppy saga in April 2020 in which Sir Cliff Richard OBE got hot and bothered about radio stations being “unfair” and “snubbing” his crappy crooning, this Christian crackpot demanded his tiresome tunes be played “once a day for two weeks.” Quite understandably, he didn’t get what he wanted.

In response, at that time, the response to the “held together by Botox” ‘singer’ from one commentator was: “I’m surprised he isn’t like his music – dead already” and now, this morning, The Guardian are finally reporting some better news about this bombastic bore.

In a report that primarily focused on the self-declared “genuine celebrity” 81-year-old having sold more 2022 music calendars than Harry Styles, Kylie Minogue, Little Mix and Taylor Swift, but actually “slipped” from seventh place in overall sales to eleventh in the Calendar Club charts, it was also revealed that “Sir Cliff had informed potential buyers that he would no longer be able to pose topless for calendars.” One immediate response was simply: “Thank bloody God, our eyes are saved.”

Doing one last distasteful turn with little-to-nothing on in his 2022 “offering,” according to the paper, the August shot features Sir Cliff “in only swimming trunks while raising a glass to the camera from the comfort of a swimming pool.” Thankfully, if he sticks to his word, there’ll be no more of that muck in the 2023 edition, though with printed calendar sales slumping just like those of printed diaries, will it even get produced?

Such news has no doubt left Sir Cliff – a wack job warbler perceived to be a “national treasure” by some but loathed by others for his connections to criminals like the late murderer Kray twins, the late paedophile Lord Boothy, the late paedophile Sir Jimmy Savile and the amazingly still just about alive paedophile Rolf Harris – with only one option: Taking a very long summer holiday and returning to creepily crying on his kitchen floor.

Pictured top: Sir Cliff Richard OBE – a moralising moaning Minnie who’ll henceforth thankfully keep his kit on – with his Australian child abuser ‘friend,’ the convicted paedophile Rolf Harris.

In the past, Harry Rodger Webb, as he was born, has spared no chance to get his top off. Clearly believing himself to be a sex symbol, the ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ and ‘Saviour’s Day’ singer has finally, to the relief of the public, decided to spare us from anymore sights of his Botoxed body. Thank the Lord.

In November 2016, “Peter Pan of Pop” Sir Cliff Richard revealed that he “cried on his kitchen floor” and announced: “I was weeping, it was just like a deep well. And I got a message from someone that said no hole is deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” In the same year, of his calendar sales, he pompously prattled: “Mine leaves David Beckham standing” and makes Kylie Minogue’s look “meagre.”

Sir Cliff Richard with the late paedophile Sir Jimmy Savile.

Sir Cliff Richard with the late paedophile Lord Boothby.

Sir Cliff Richard with his “long-term companion,” a former Roman Catholic priest named John McElynn. In his 2009 autobiography, the ‘singer’ remarked: “It has been so rare for me to find friends I know like me for myself, I am not always the best judge of character.” Going further, the goody-two-shoes added: “I’ve never wanted to trash a hotel room. My band always used to say, Cliff never trashes a hotel room. When he goes in, he usually cleans up, hoovers, checks the curtains are straight. I can’t imagine anything more childish than trashing things, which is what a lot of rockers did.”

Sir Cliff’s associations with the wines he produces have not always proved fruitful. In 2006, appearing on Gordon Ramsay’s ‘The F-Word,’ the then 75-year old had a meltdown during a blind tasting. After sipping one unnamed offering, the crackpot Christian crooner announced: “That’s rubbish. I wouldn’t pay for that. It’s tainted, it’s insipid, it tastes like vinaigrette. I’d never buy that.” Ramsay, then 49, responded by remarking: “Cliff, that’s your wine.” The singer is said to have answered: “Young man, go f**k yourself.”

Sir Cliff Richard’s recent attempts at making ‘music’ – which one critic slammed more accurately as “nauseous noise” – came in the form of ‘Rise Up.’ It was universally panned and in response the “star” complained that radio stations were being “unfair” in not giving him airtime.

Another shocking moment for this one-time friend of the paedophiles Rolf Harris and Sir Jimmy Savile came in the form of him treating the funeral of Cilla Black like a pop concert. The faces of the priests to the left of him (as he attempted to ‘sing’ in a manner more suited to an appearance on ‘Top Of The Pops’) are telling of their disgust at his discourteous behaviour in a house of worship.

December 31, 2021
Deluded & Deviant – ‘Farting Fergie’ & ‘Randy Andy’

For once Dan Wootton got it right in condemning ‘Randy Andy’ and ‘Farting Fergie’ as “deluded… self-centred… gauche… disgraced public figures”

Yesterday afternoon in the MailOnline, for once, the usually “deeply unpleasant” Dan Wootton actually had his finger on the pulse.

In an opinion piece titled: “If Fergie’s fairy-tale romance with Andrew endures it’s because they are two of the most deluded and self-centred individuals on the planet (with apologies to Meghan),” Wootton raged of deluded deviant Prince Andrew and his loopy live-in ex-wife Sarah, Duchess of York: “You are both disgraced public figures who have ended up back in each other’s lives by necessity and little else.”

Continuing and though somewhat generously describing ‘Farting Fergie’ as “more naïve than nasty; more silly than snide,” Wootton concluded:

“If Fergie REALLY loves Prince Andrew, she only has two choices.

“Insist he flies to New York immediately and cooperates with the FBI, come what may.”

“Or pack him off to a tiny cottage where he costs the Royal Family and taxpayers nothing and where he can quietly conduct charity work out of the public gaze without embarrassing his poor mother further.”

“But, once again, this gauche pair will put maintaining their own extravagant lifestyles ahead of anything else. And live unhappily ever after in disgrace.”

Wootton’s words are spot on, but he missed a key detail. Why didn’t he reference the ongoing question we all need an answer to. That question? Did Sarah, Duchess of York ever repay the money she so shamelessly borrowed from the since croaked paedophile Jeffrey Epstein?

Pictured top – Sarah, Duchess of York looking like a fool for a segment on her joke of a YouTube channel, ‘Fergie & Friends’ (left) and her equally cringeworthy ex-husband Prince Andrew mocked up as Jimmy Savile (right).

I’m sorry, Fergie, your relationship with disgraced Prince Andrew is a “fairytale” in the same way Meghan Markle is a selfless soul who puts others first and always tells the truth.
My new @MailOnline column on the latest cringeworthy royal TV tell-all. https://t.co/7CbyriNdaQ
— Dan Wootton (@danwootton) December 15, 2021

Sharing his ‘MailOnline’ article on Twitter, Dan Wootton declared: “I’m sorry, Fergie, your relationship with disgraced Prince Andrew is a ‘fairytale’ in the same way Meghan Markle is a selfless soul who puts others first and always tells the truth.”

Sarah, Duchess of York pictured with the since incarcerated Ghislaine Maxwell at an opening party at Asprey in 2003. It remains unknown as to whether ‘Fergie’ ever repaid a loan from the mucky madam’s now croaked sidekick and lover Jeffrey Epstein.

The Queen’s most embarrassing son and his wacky wastrel ex-wife took their children with them when they went to stay on Peter Nygård’s Caribbean island in 2000. Nygård has since been charged with multiple sexual offences against at least 57 individuals in both the United States of America and Canada and accused by two of his own sons of “directing a known sex worker to rape them.”

The royal rotters have also been known to associate with other since convicted sex offenders – amongst them (from left to right) disgraced television Stuart Hall, disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein and disgraced financier Harvey Weinstein.

On Thursday 20th August 1992, the ‘Daily Mirror’ shared what they called “the pictures they didn’t want you to see.” In them, a topless Duchess of York was shown having her toes sucked in the South of France by a Texan millionaire named John Bryan. Of the incident, the ‘Mirror’ later reported: “Royal writer Richard Kay claimed in the ‘Daily Mail’ that he received a message via pager from Princess Diana the night before the photos hit the newspaper stands. Diana’s message was simple: ‘The redhead’s in trouble.’”

Fergie’s’ non-sweating ex-husband Prince Andrew was widely mocked after claiming to distinctly remember a visit to Pizza Express in Woking on the day he allegedly had sex with the then teenage Virginia Roberts, now Giuffre, in 2001. During his juggernaut crashworthy interview with Emily Maitlis in November 2019, he remarked: “I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a Pizza Express in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there.” Whether he actually attended has since been disputed and whether he actually consumed pizza remains still unknown.

December 16, 2021
Lowbrow Lindsay Lohan Reaches A New Low

When you thought lowbrow loser Lindsay Lohan couldn’t go any lower, the ‘celebutard’ predictably delivers

In spite of being laughable, loose and a louche loser, Lindsay Lohan has achieved the remarkable feat of coining at least two words in the 35 years that she’s managed to survive thus far on this planet.

Branded the original example of a ‘celebutard’ (a combination of celebrity, debutante and retard) by the New York journalist Michael Musto in 2006, the mucky mess that is Lohan also got herself noticed for having a “horrible, sticky, sweaty” ‘firecrotch’ that “smelt like diarrhea” by “greasy oil heir” Brandon Davis in 2007.

Paris Hilton’s “henchman” and “sidekick” Davis, whom later sported a T-shirt that crudely was emblazoned with the words ‘Team Firecrotch’ was far from alone from having problems with Miss Lohan.

Just one of many examples of someone who had an encounter with this all-round disaster area was a businessman reader of The Steeple Times whom made the mistake of renting his Knightsbridge, London home to Miss Lohan. He came to regret ever meeting her after she left with rent arrears and having trashed the place; another made the mistake of inviting her for drinks at their home – she politely left burn marks all over their rather expensive sofa and allegedly relieved herself there also. Rather conveniently, she never apologised, she never explained and she was quite rightly never invited ever again.

Jailed for 90 days in 2001 and put in rehab in 2008 (and on many other occasions since), this often violent, deranged, on-off druggie trashbag disgustingly claimed the since jailed sex abuser Harvey Weinstein to be innocent in 2017 and bizarrely issued a cryptic yet crazy video on Instagram on April Fools’ Day in 2020 declaring: “I’m back!” Predictably and unsurprisingly, nothing followed.

Now, this weekend this known ‘nutter from the gutter’ ex-Mean Girls ‘star’ took to Instagram, the Daily Mail reports, to announce that she’s got engaged to a Dubai based vice president of Credit Suisse named Bader Shammas.

Referencing this, the paper reported Lohan declared: “My love. My life. My family. My future. @bader.shammas #love” but neglected to say whether the poor chap is of sound mind or whether he’s had his beau-to-be tested at the ‘clap clinic.’ If he had half a brain, he’d run a mile, but clearly this deranged deviant has sadly got her claws well and truly in (yet again). God help him.

The actress took to Instagram at the weekend to announce of her engagement to Bader Shammas: “My love. My life. My family. My future.’ We give it weeks until this Dubai based vice president at Credit Suisse sees sense or gets into an altercation with this washed-up wastrel. Next!

“Greasy oil heir” Brandon Davis started a “celebutante war” between Paris Hilton and Lohan with his offensive description of the latter’s “nether regions.”

In October 2019, the car crash Lohan sought publicity by falsely spreading rumours that she was engaged to the bloodthirsty monster that is Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. This was unsurprisingly never confirmed by the latter party.

The Many Victims Of The Original Celebutard

Here is a total mess of a woman who has racked up many ‘relationships’ in her relatively short life – some of them more turbulent than others. All of them have been used as part of her quest for fame, money and publicity.

Amongst this failed actress, failed musician and failed businesswoman’s conquests have been:

2003 – Aaron Carter

2004 – Wilmer Valderrama

2006 – Stavros Niarchos

2006 – Harry Morton

2008 – Heath Ledger

2008 – 2009 – Samantha Ronson (her one known female victim)

2013 – Matt Nordgren

2013 – Vikram Chatwal

2015 – 2016 – Egor Tarabasov

2019 – Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman

2021 – Bader Shammas

November 29, 2021
Moron of the Moment – Amanda Platell

Paedophile and sex offender apologist Amanda Platell’s claims that the BBC “conned” her into an interview about the royals are beyond laughable

Always angry Australian Amanda Platell is someone who never owns her own mistakes.

The very worst example of acid tongued harpy Platell’s errors has to be coming out in support of her “kind and generous… dear friend Rolf Harris” in April 2013 in spite of it being clear he was nothing but a rotten paedophile, but in the years since she failed to learn that that was an easily identifiable error. In September 2020, she stepped-up her awful antics and used her Daily Mail column to claim the grubby groper and now ex-MP Charlie Elphicke was being subjected to “blatant injustice” after his conviction.

Elsewhere, in March 2014, this crackpot crazy used the very same platform to bizarrely claim “the real gay marriage bigots are its intolerant supporters” and in May that year ridiculously remarked that she’d “run out of sympathy” for the Duchess of Cambridge. Apparently, here is someone who doesn’t even realise that said member of the royal family frankly wouldn’t give two hoots about what she thinks then, now or ever.

In September 2019, bitter broad Platell turned to belittling black people by claiming “blacking-up” was just a bit of fun and that when she did it she was only “chided” by her father because she’d taken “his last tin of shoe polish.” Now, today, in the wake of her appearance on the BBC’s The Princes And The Press she’s now claiming Amol Rajan “utterly conned” her.

“Clearly, being party to such a calumny was not what I signed up for when I submitted myself to at least two hours of filmed conversation… I should have known better… I’m deeply ashamed to be associated with The Princes And The Press and feel let down by Amol Rajan, who I believe misled me” raged Platell in her Daily Mail column this morning.

The former press secretary to William Hague turned poison pen failed, however, to share how much she’d been paid to participate in both the first episode – which aired on Monday – and the second which follows on 8^th December. In doing so, this ridiculous ranter showed herself as just one thing: An utter bloody berk.

Pictured top – Amanda Platell with her “old friend” Rolf Harris. In 2014, ‘Two Little Boys’ singer Harris was sentenced to five years and nine months in prison on twelve counts of indecent assault on female victims and stripped of the many honours he’d been awarded during his career.

Platell is a fan of both the convicted Australian paedophile Rolf Harris and his off-the-scale weird chum Sir Cliff Richard.

She has also ludicrously come out in support of the “I’m a naughty Tory” MP turned convicted sex offender and groper Charlie Elphicke’s sentence having been reduced. Ludicrously of the disgraced politician and his replacement as MP for Dover (whom just happens to be his very own wife, Natalie), Plattell remarked: “I cannot help wondering whether, had Elphicke not been a high-profile Tory MP, he would have been treated so harshly. My worry is that this disproportionate punishment feeds into the notion that all women are victims who live in constant fear of sexual assault, and all men villains. We are not, they are not. And a woman such as Natalie Elphicke who stands up against such blatant injustice should be applauded, not pilloried.”

Amol Rajan was condemned by the angry Australian as having “conned her” and “reduced [her two hours of contributions to his programme] to less than two minutes of selective quotes.” She claimed “I was being used to bolster Meghan’s case” and added she was “misled” and “badly treated.”

In addition to penning puerile poison for the ‘Daily Mail,’ here is a woman with a penchant for appearing on television to share her nonsense. In her column today, this haranguing harpy also asked: “Is there anything that can’t be blamed on global warming?”, had a pop at Prince Charles, celebrated his “friend” Richard Madeley’s “heartache” for his ‘pissed-up’ wife Judy Finnigan and claimed the British economy to be “booming” and life to be “almost back to normal.” Just another day in the life of a truly nasty piece of toerag…

November 27, 2021