Thursday, February 22, 2024

Wallies of the Week 2021 – Stephen Cloobeck and Stefanie Gurzanski

Self-proclaimed billionaire Stephen Cloobeck and stripper Stefanie Gurzanski’s court battle makes a mockery of the both of them; this tawdry pair should both “belt up, wrap up and shut up”

In 2017, after we reported on the on-off-on-again-off-again-on-again (or ‘whatever’) ‘catfight lovefest’ between the billionaire divorcee Joceyln Wildenstein and fashion fruitcake Lloyd Klein, the latter bombarded The Steeple Times with a torrent of rants.


This week, on April Fool’s Day most appropriately, Vanity Fair’s William D. Cohan reported on an equally awful dopey duo, 59-year-old Stephen Cloobeck and 26-year-old Stefanie Gurzanski, who’ve only gone and managed to eclipse Klein and Wildenstein’s angry antics.


An individual who claims “he has a picture of himself and Joe Biden in his bedroom, ‘which he slept in with me’ (whatever that means),” according to Cohan, self-proclaimed billionaire Cloobeck recently brought a lawsuit against self-proclaimed Instagram ‘star’ Gurzanski.


Cloobeck has accused Gurzanski of conning him out of £940,000 ($1.3 million, €1.1 million or درهم4.8 million) and even posing nude in his son’s yarmulke. The pair had dated for roughly six months from May 2020 after being introduced by a “matchmaker for prominent men,” Katherine Abigail Lee.


Now, after the most public of spats over “racy photos,” caviar, handbags and jewellery, she’s calling him “irrational” and he’s branded her a “cunning fraudster.” Like Klein and Wildenstein, it’s most likely this is just the beginning and no doubt next month, these attention seeking imbeciles will have resolved their battle and be back at it. Yuck!


A selection of Stephen Cloobeck and Stefanie Gurzanski’s worst moments, featured in Vanity Fair and in a restraining order application and in documents filed to the Los Angeles Superior Court, follow.


Pictured top: Tubby Stephen Cloobeck may be rich, but he actually just resembles something that’s fallen off the turnip truck (left); blonde bimbo Stefanie Gurzanski, meanwhile, could perhaps do with being given some new clothing (right). The pair of them need to get one other thing: Dignity.


Stephen Cloobeck’s worst one-liners:

  • “She said she loved me.”
  • “She was not a top 10 blow job of mine, okay… You want me to be real? She was not a top 10.”
  • “I am a self-made man.”
  • “The Internet says I’m only worth $100 million, which is just fine with me. My house in Beverly Hills is worth $100 million, and I own a $45 million home for cash in Cabo, and I own my own jet. You can do the math yourself.”
  • “I date beautiful women. I didn’t know there was an offence to that. I love beautiful women. What can I tell you?”
  • “She created [an apartment he gave her] into a porn set… Little did I know.”
  • “She’s buying all this lingerie. I’m like, Okay, I think it’s for me. No. She’s wearing it so she can do these fucking porno shoots, and I’m blinded. I’m buying all this makeup. I’m buying all her hair extensions. I’m buying everything. Believe me, everything. And I’m like, ‘So you’re using my money to make money on OnlyFans? I’m not getting this program here.’ Sexy pictures, as long as they’re for me, I’m cool with it.”
  • “I lost it. I went nuclear because I’ve never been so upset and disrespected. I’m the victim. I never felt so bad.”
  • “She’s a fraud. She’s a con and she’s done this before.”
  • “I will never stop until I see justice [against Stefanie Gurzanski]… We will make sure you never sleep well until you are wearing Orange and resting behind bars.
  • “I worked my ass off and got my ass kicked.”
  • “I’m very transparent. I’m not afraid. I’m very thoughtful.”
  • “I owe nothing to no one.”
  • “I’m very proud. I’m a proud man.”
  • “I’m very proud of my record.”

Stefanie Gurzanski’s worst one-liners:

  • “It’s 2021. Everyone is on OnlyFans or Instagram. Everyone has a public life these days.”
  • “Right off the bat [Stephen Cloobeck] just wanted me to be his girlfriend and was just right off the bat.”
  • “[Stephen] is a little bit out there and very immature.”
  • “He was just very, like, seemed a little bit crazy.”
  • “He wanted to show me off… The photos made me uncomfortable because he would invite his son and daughter in his bedroom, and there’s a huge photo of me naked on the wall.”
  • “I have gone as far as hiring a security guard because I am scared of being harmed.”
  • “Stephen knows where I live.”
  • “I can crawl back into a hole and be nothing if I won’t be with him.”
  • “Imagine being so obsessed with someone that you sue them just to be in touch with them.”
  • “Imagine being sued because you’re the hottest girl that persons [sic] ever seen.”

Wallies of the Week 2021 – Stephen Cloobeck and Stefanie Gurzanski – ‘The New York Post’ rather overgenerously branded the spat between these bickering babies as ‘Mogul vs. Model’ (but should simply have called the feud ‘Trash vs. Trash’). Here, indeed, is a case just like that of Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard where nobody deserves victory.
Matthew Steeples
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


  1. She needs to be tested for sexual diseases. He needs to visit ICU as he could be dead at a moment’s notice looking at that red face.


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