As Phillip Schofield’s book is banned from sale in Wales, we ask: “Did the temperamental telly host ‘Schofe’ have another meltdown as a result?”
Whilst nobody was surprised when Bangladesh, Egypt, India, Iran, Kenya, Kuwait, Liberia, Malaysia, Pakistan, Senegal, Singapore, Sri Lanka and Thailand amongst others banned The Satanic Verses in 1988 for supposed blasphemy against Islam, news that Phillip Schofield’s memoirs have been outlawed from sale in Wales might actually surprise.
Though no doubt an affront to literature in terms of the quality and relevance of its content, an image of Schofield’s recently released Life’s What You Make It in a taped off section of a Tesco store in Cardiff appeared yesterday in The Sun. Appropriately, however, given the shocking reviews the tome has deservedly received, a notice was pinned to the shelving stating: “We are unable to sell non-essential items at this time.”
We’re left wondering: Did ‘Schofe’ hit his “only fit for the bin” boxed wine as a result? If so, we can only pity those dealing with his hangover this morning.
Schofe Banned – With his memoirs banned from sale in supermarkets in Wales and his boxed wine rubbished as “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena,” ‘Schofe’ no doubt had another temper tantrum. Poor lamb.Schofe Banned – D. H. Lawrence’s ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ was banned from sale in the United Kingdom for violation of obscenity laws. The ban was lifted in 1960 and one is now left wondering how long Phillip Schofield’s tome will remain on a list of banned books for.
Wife of ‘Naughty Tory’ turned replacement MP Natalie Elphicke turns to talking about filthy water (but avoids the topic of her jailbird hubby’s bottom groping)
Not content with shamelessly having bagged herself £25,000 for spilling her guts to The Sun about her dirty dimwit turned convicted sex offender hubby Charlie, nutty Natalie Elphicke OBE MP has now taken to penning articles about “filthy flooding and stinky sewage.”
Writing this morning for In Your Area Community News, the Conservative Member of Parliament for Dover and Deal pointed out the bloody obvious in suggesting: “Water flooding into your home is always unpleasant.” She then most usefully added: “Filthy sewer water flooding into your home is especially upsetting.” Thanks for that, Nat.
Bizarrely lauding the efforts of her “predecessor MP” without naming her ‘Naughty Tory’ groper husband, Mrs Elphicke then wrote of “the difficulties at getting to the bottom of reasons for the flooding” in her constituency – but understandably avoided talking of how the jailbird himself is now best known for grabbing the bottom of one of his victims in his and his wife’s Belgravia pad.
What’ll this immigrant hating wench touch on next? The topic of police chases (without mentioning her hubby drunkenly chasing his victims around their familial home)?
Filthy Natalie – Natalie Elphicke with her since jailed arse grabbing husband and ex-MP Charlie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUdZFJ97T3w
Natalie Elphicke was condemned by Alex Belfield on his ‘Voice of Reason’ YouTube channel for taking £25,000 from ‘The Sun’ to “play the victim” earlier this month. He slammed Mrs Elphicke as “really scummy” and Mr Elphicke as a “scumbag” and “filthy.”
Anthea Turner swings into an interview with ‘The Sun’ and shares that she had therapy over her tacky ‘Flakegate’ wedding photos
Anthea Turner never misses an opportunity to swing into action when it comes to getting herself publicity and in an interview in today’s The Sun she went into overdrive.
Aside from moaning that she was “vilified” over her posed wedding photos with a chocolate flake rammed in her inglorious gob and claiming “I apparently did this heinous thing with a bar of Cadbury’s… You’d have thought I had single-handedly manufactured Covid-19 in the laboratory and released it to the masses,” Turner bizarrely announced: “It was like being naked all the time. I felt absolutely stripped.”
Going further of ‘Flakegate,’ tiresome Turner added: “I didn’t even like it. I’m more of a Dairy Milk girl” and declared she’d “had two bouts of therapy, helping her come to terms with the episode and move on… I realise no one died, but at the time and for years afterwards it was devastating.”
In further indication of her delusionality, ‘Princess Tippytoes’ (AKA ‘Shagger Turner’) concluded: “I was the original accidental influencer… but never got a penny for it… I’m still alive and kicking.” A Cadbury’s Flake with that Anth?
Anth’s Swings Back to Flakegate – Previously, some have gone as far as to try to blow Miss Turner up on live television even. That’s how irritating she is truly considered.Anth’s Swings Back to Flakegate – Anthea Turner will never be able to live down the ‘Flakegate’ incident on her August 2000 wedding day to cad and bounder Grant Bovey. The grubby pair were paid £120,000 by OK! magazine for the rights to their wedding.
Natalie Elphicke MP’s decision to take £25,000 to talk about her ‘Naughty Tory’ husband and her U-turn to now help him appeal his sentence show her as nonsensical, noxious and nutty
When her randy ‘Naughty Tory’ husband, Charlie Elphicke, became a convicted sex offender in July, his nincompoop wife Natalie – whom also shamelessly took over his former parliamentary seat – happily accepted a bung of £25,000 from The Sun to pen articles titled ‘My Ordeal’ where she proceeded to bleat about her “humiliation” rather than sympathise with the victims.
“Blubbering balderdash” correctly surmised one commentator of this wacky woman’s grasping antics, yet Amanda Plattell – a “dear friend” of fellow convicted sex offender Rolf Harris – decided to pen an article late last month for the Daily Mail about the matter. In her dippy diatribe, Plattell suggested Mrs Elphicke was right to do a U-turn and start helping her grubby, groping husband appeal his very much deserved two-year jail sentence.
Going further of her change of heart towards the sexual abuser she has two children with late last week, Natalie Elphicke astoundingly told Kent Live:
“I fully support Charlie in his appeal against both his convictions and today’s excessive sentence. The court seems to be on a bit of a mission, it entirely ignored the report of a highly experienced probation officer as well as sentencing guidelines.”
“There is no doubt that Charlie behaved badly. However, everyone, Charlie included, has the right to a fair trial, and I don’t believe that he has had one.”
“As I have written since the trial, I believe that Charlie’s conviction was a terrible miscarriage of justice. Having read all the evidence, including elements which the jury did not see, I continue to support him in every way possible in his appeal against both conviction and sentence.”
“Substantive appeals have now been lodged and I hope others may join me in supporting Charlie’s legal fight to clear his name.”
Whilst this might seem beyond crackers, henceforth, Natalie Elphicke OBE MP might do best to stop banging on about her favoured topic of immigration and instead examine her own moral compass. It plainly is beyond warped and, quite frankly, it is perhaps now time that this nutty woman retreated back into the shadows.
Nutty Natalie’s Nonsense – To accompany her £25,000 interview, Natalie Elphicke turned on the tears and didn’t even bother to don warpaint. If she thought that would engender support from the public, she was very much wrongly mistaken.
Nutty Natalie’s Nonsense – Another topic on Natalie Elphicke’s agenda has been “getting Brexit done,” but now she has moved back to help her cad and bounder turned convicted sex offender husband, she has yet again just shown herself as utterly contemptible.
Matthew Steeples suggests Jeffrey Epstein treated Ghislaine Maxwell like a “mother figure”
With unnamed commentators telling The Sun that Jeffrey Epstein was “initially funded by [the] tycoon Robert Maxwell” rather than, as has been generally suggested, Leslie Wexner, his relationship with the all-round figure of grubby ghastliness Ghislaine Maxwell begins to make a hell of a lot more sense.
Mucky madam Maxwell rather reminds me of a woman I know with an equally vast address book. This childless individual, known for stalking parties collecting business cards, has a devotion to her boss that is quite beyond putrid in its obviousness. She fawns on this frankly vile man as if he’s a God and one can see ‘Bouncing Bob’s’ bitch of a daughter treated evil Epstein in the very same manner.
With the woman I know, the ‘love’ goes completely unrequited and he, in fact, just treats her as the ultimate skivvy. With Ghislaine Maxwell, it was likely just the same with the one-time teacher turned megalomaniac utilising her clear ability to inveigle her way through society to further his deviant desires.
Jeffrey Epstein, however, plainly found ‘Mother Maxwell’ a dull lover and that is why their relationship, just like with the aforementioned Londoner I mention, never moved to marriage. Here, instead, was a woman whom this monster viewed to be the mother he never had.
Elsewhere on Twitter, “sex slave survivor” Kirby Sommers this morning tweeted: “Ghislaine worked for her father at his flagship paper The Daily Mirror, and was disliked by the employees for her “insufferable arrogance.” One of her father’s former secretaries complained: “She’d ask for a cigarette and walk off with the packet.”
Mother Maxwell – Ghislaine Maxwell treated both her father and Jeffrey Epstein as if they were God-like figures in her life. They respectively actually treated her like dirt, but that didn’t stop her worshiping these mendacious megalomaniacs.
All-round plonker Phillip Schofield’s wine range condemned as “only fit for the bin” and “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena”
Known for his extremely short fuse and once described by David Dimbleby as “cretinous,” Phillip Schofield recently launched a wine range in Waitrose and on Amazon. Unsurprisingly, it’s been a total flop and was quite deservedly condemned at the weekend in The Sun as “overpriced” and “bitter.”
Priced between £19.99 and £24.99 for 2.25-litre boxes, Schofield’s was slammed by one punter as “only fit for the bin” on Waitrose’s website. They added: “The wine [was] effervescing within the bag. No more palatable than fizzy Ribena” whilst another suggested: “I don’t have anything positive to say about the flavour at all. Not pleasant drinking. We failed to finish the box.”
Prior to launching the range in April, Schofield quite pompously bragged to The Drinks Business:
“When I agreed to this partnership, I had certain conditions; I wanted to be part of the tasting team… I wanted it to be good value. The result is something I felt I could really invest in.”
Schofield – whose ‘coming out’ and alleged connections to a young man named Matthew McGreevy attracted much media attention earlier this year – unsurprisingly failed to respond to a request from The Steeple Times for comment; he was probably instead too busy nursing a hangover headache from drinking his equivalent of Sir Cliff Richard’s equally vile plonk.
Pictured top: All-round plonker Phillip Schofield on a night out with his one-time ‘friend’ Matt McGreevy; Phillip Schofield’s bag-in-box wines.
Sir Cliff Richard’s associations with wines, just like Phillip Schofield’s, have not always proved fruitful. In 2006, appearing on Gordon Ramsay’s ‘The F-Word,’ the crappy crooner had a meltdown during a blind tasting. After sipping one unnamed offering, Sir Cliff announced: “That’s rubbish. I wouldn’t pay for that. It’s tainted, it’s insipid, it tastes like vinaigrette. I’d never buy that.” Ramsay, responded by remarking: “Cliff, that’s your wine”. The singer is said to have answered: “Young man, go f**k yourself.”What a Plonker – Phillip Schofield was photographed with Matthew McGreevy on a number of occasions during the latter’s youth.What a Plonker – The television presenter with his “friend” at a later date.
‘The Steeple Times’ selects five undesirable homes currently for sale that many would say would remain best avoided; they’ve all been in the news and they’re all connected to infamous names
Destined most certainly not to feature in Penny Churchill’s Downton Abbey-esque country house porn Country Life column or as an Evening Standard chi-chi ‘Homes & Property’ ‘House of the Week,’ we have selected five undesirable homes currently for sale.
In spite of the fact that one has a link to a recently deceased paedophile, two have been the scene of murders, one is supposedly haunted and the final was the setting for a bizarre nine year sleep, their prices seem somewhat crazy – but maybe some people will just love the idea of living with notoriety. Whether any of these undesirable homes sell for their asking prices, however, seems as likely as the case of Jack the Ripper ever being solved.
Paedo Palace – 9 East 71st Street, Lenox Hill, New York, NY 10021, USA
For sale for £69 million ($88 million, €74 million or درهم121 million) through Modlin Group.
Known as the ‘Herbert Straus House’ in polite circles, but now forever more likely to be remembered as ‘Jeffrey Epstein’s Paedo Mansion,’ this 28,000 square foot, 7-floor, 40 room mansion was home to the deceased bestie of Prince Andrew from 1996 until his incarceration and suicide in 2019.
Few details are shared on the listing other than to declare it of “gargantuan size and opulence” and “the largest single-family home in New York City.” Though the late Alberto Pinto’s design work at the property is lauded, there’s no mention of what Ghislaine Maxwell got up to there or the bizarre birthday parties with Christopher Mason.
Originally called ‘Oakleigh,’ this “striking Gothic Victorian villa” subsequently became known as ‘The House of Horror’ but has now been renamed ‘Devisdale House’ in an attempt to relieve it of a position in the ranks of undesirable homes.
In March 2005, Christopher Lumsden, a partner in the international law firm Pinsent Masons, killed his former Sotheby’s auctioneer wife Alison in the house in a “frenzied domestic attack in the master bedroom” according to The Sun. He stabbed her 30 times after she announced she was leaving him for another man and was amazingly jailed for just five years “after he was found guilty of manslaughter on the ground of diminished responsibility, claiming he had a depressive illness.”
‘Oakleigh’ subsequently “fell into rack and ruin” in spite of reports suggesting Lumsden may have inherited his wife’s fortune, but more recently it was purchased by a property developer. They have added an especially ghastly underground swimming pool, sauna, cinema room and triple garage and now pompous selling agents Jackson-Stops pretentiously laud the property as “incredible,” “striking” and “meticulously remodelled.” Christopher Lumsden, meanwhile, was released from prison after serving just two years of his jail sentence.
A Killer Castle – Pencoed Castle, Pencoed Lane, Llanmartin, Newport, Gwent, Wales, NP18 2ED, UK
For sale with a guide price of £950,000 ($1.2 million, €1 million or درهم1.7 million) by auction on 17th September 2020 through Allsop.
Pencoed Castle dates to the 13th century and in the time since one can imagine all sorts has gone on there. Most recently, in 2016, a then 56-year-old businessman Peter Morgan strangled his girlfriend of three years, a 25-year-old personal escort named Georgina Symonds, in a bungalow in the castle grounds. The married multi-millionaire was sentenced to life with a minimum term of 25 years in prison and with that the estate found itself joining the ranks of undesirable homes.
Wales Online report that “it is not known if Mr Morgan still owns the property,” but for less than a million pounds, a buyer could get themselves not only the castle (which could be turned into 12 dwellings and offices also), but also a former farmhouse, two bungalows and 64.8 acres of land. Previous plans to turn the site into a Disneyland-style theme park called Legend Court came to nothing and of the property a local cryptically remarked: “This place’s recent history is very dark.”
Axing a Ghost – Maplecroft, 306 French Street, Fall River, Massachusetts, MA 02720, USA
For sale for £696,000 ($890,000, €751,000 or درهم1.2 million) through Century 21 The Seyboth Team.
Sold last for £469,000 in February 2018 and £386,000 in November 2014, Maplecroft is described by realtor Suzanne St. John as “a Queen Anne Victorian Mansion,” but many would consider it fitting instead of a listing on a roster of undesirable homes. It was built in 1887, extends to 3,935 square foot and includes 7 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms.
The allegedly haunted residence, which stands on a plot of 0.31 acres, is notable as the post-prison home of one Lizzie Borden (1860 – 1927) – a woman who was the main suspect in the 1892 axe murders of her father and step-mother. Accused, tried and acquitted, Miss Borden inherited a fortune, bought Maplecroft and when she died of pneumonia her wake was held in the parlour.
The current owner also owns the house where the murders were committed and runs it as a ‘murder house B&B.’ He had intended to convert Maplecroft into something similar, but COVID-19 (and perhaps the spirit of Lizzie Borden) got in the way.
A Nine Year Sleep – Sleepy Cottage, 1 School Lane, Turville, Henley-On-Thames, Buckinghamshire, RG9 6QX, UK
For sale for £750,000 ($960,000, €810,000 or درهم1.3 million) through Savills.
Strictly speaking, our final choice in our roster of undesirable homes, has had only a gruesome past in a fictional sense given that it sits in a village used in Midsomer Murders. Nobody in their right minds – if such a place did really exist – would want to reside in any of Midsomer’s locations given the risk of ending up brown bread would be so high, but the innocent sounding name of this cottage makes it worthy of mention.
Used also in the perfectly harmless series Goodnight Uncle Tom and the BBC sitcom The Vicar of Dibley, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom Sleepy Cottage is also noteworthy as it was most famously home to ‘The Sleeping Girl of Turville.’
Of this enigma, selling agents Savills remark:
“Ellen Sadler, who lived in the cottage with her family when in 1871, aged eleven she purportedly fell into a deep sleep from which she could not be roused for nine years. The case attracted international attention from newspapers, medical professionals and the public. She became a tourist attraction for the village, and her family made considerable money from visitors’ donations.”
“Rumours exist that among the elder Turville residents that Royalty even took an interest in her. The Prince of Wales, the future King Edward VII, visited her and laid his hands on her which people in those days believed would cure the sick.”
“As the years went on and with no sign of Ellen waking, speculation grew that her illness was caused by her mother, an issue that was never resolved. In late 1880, soon after her mother’s death, Ellen awoke. She later married and had at least five children.”
Undesirable Homes Currently For Sale – Pictured top: Jeffrey Epstein’s initials were prominently displayed at the entrance to 9 East 71st Street whilst the entrance hallway beyond aimed to impress with its classical grandeur. Goodness knows how many unfortunates passed through this space on their way on their way to be abused by the late Mr Epstein and his mucky madam Ghislaine Maxwell.
‘The Steeple Times’ discovers five properties that will appeal to serious sports fanatics with a desire to indulge their passions at home that are currently for sale
Whilst most would simply go to a racecourse to watch the horses or to a football ground to cheer on their heroes on the pitch, five homes follow where sports lovers can partake in their very own confines follow:
A vast 18,000 square foot house on 13.21 acres in Connecticut that is currently for sale cannot be described as a “looker,” but it comes with its own private, professional indoor hockey and skating rink (pictured top). There’s a Zamboni ice resurfacer “for perfect ice” and even heated team benches, a lighted scoreboard, home and visiting team locker rooms and a viewing ‘lounge.’ In addition, there are two guest houses and an outdoor swimming pool.
St. Clements Hall, Terrington St. Clement, Norfolk, UK
£240,000 ($316,000, €267,000 or درهم444,000) through Attik.
Most people looking for a “3-bedroom semi-detached house” are likely to be couples with 2.4 children, but for those in a somewhat different position, a 19th century, 1,873 square foot former youth hall might appeal. Primarily reconfigured to provide a 27-foot by 39-foot ‘skate bowl’ with 13-foot vertical wall, mini skate park and three 4-foot quarter pipes, the house also more conventionally has an open plan living space, 3 bedrooms and a shower room. Even the snobby girl in Avril Lavigne’s Sk8er Boi song might be impressed; the house has featured in The Sun, on the BBC and in Netflix’s Amazing Interiors.
Owned by the Kazakhstani phosphorus tycoon Nurlan Bizakov since 2010, Tourles Farm Stud has been part of Hesmonds Stud. Described in TDN Europe as “one of the best presented farms we have offered in recent years” by William Harford of Windsor Clive, the 113.78 acre property “has [only] become available due to the owner’s successful investment in France [at Monfort et Preaux in Normandy]” and comes with a 3-bedroom cottage, a stable barn with 26 boxes and a 4 furlong all-weather gallop.
On and off the market since 2018, this “one-of-a-kind” 41,000 square foot Bel Air house on 1.35 acres includes 8 bedrooms and an astounding 21 bathrooms. There are also 20 garage spaces in an “auto-gallery,” 8 bars, a 36-person screening room and not one, but two 75-foot swimming pools. The pièce de résistance for sports fanatics? A full-sized NBA basketball court.
Kinlochdamph Estate, Torridon, Scottish Highlands, UK
Extending to 4,085 acres, the Kinlochdamph Estate is perfect for those wishing to achieve a Macnab (and bag a salmon, a stag and a brace of grouse within one day). It has a recently refurbished 4-bedroom lodge, red deer stalking, trout fishing on its hill lochs and a small population of grouse, ptarmigan, woodcock and snipe. Income is provided by forestry and a hydro scheme, but any wannabe John Buchan will purely be buying this place for its sporting rights.
Jeremy Clarkson was spot on in calling out the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s £112 million Netflix deal “just awful” and “drivel”
‘MeGain’ and her drip of a husband’s £112 million Netflix deal has quite rightly been rounded on by the majority as ridiculous and cringeworthy, but in commenting on it in The Sun yesterday, Jeremy Clarkson summed it up perfectly.
Clarkson – whom previously remarked of Prince Harry’s criticism of the Commonwealth as “muddled” and an example of someone “getting their knickers in a twist” – stated:
“They will be drivel. £100 million to make shows and films that inform and give hope? Kill me.”
“I’d be much better making their programmes, as I don’t give a s**t about anything they give a s**t about. Just awful.”
He is right and quite frankly Netflix should also be mocked for having bought the very worst example of a pap from the modern day Mrs Simpson.
Jeremy Clarkson was right to call out the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s Netflix deal. It is something that will most deservedly motor into obscurity – as indeed it most definitely is nothing other than ludicrous.
Jeremy Clarkson has previously been lauded for telling the former Meghan Markle to “get a grip.”
BHS bandit Sir Philip Green’s wife’s bleating about being stuck on her yacht in Monaco is nothing but pathetic; Lady Green plainly has no comprehension of how out of touch she truly is with reality
The world said “diddums” for Sir Philip Green and his ludicrously wealthy, tax minimising wife Tina today with news that the couple cannot take their £100 million gin palace on a “family cruise” due to two staff onboard testing positive for coronavirus.
In an article titled: “Sir Shifty Cannot Be Shifted,” The Sun reported comments from Lady Green – whose grubby “Benny Hill-esque” husband ought to have been stripped of his title after having wrecked the British high street and treated his workforce so appalling – where she bleated about being stuck in Monaco and having a yellow flag of quarantine imposed on their vessel.
Lady Green plainly hasn’t learnt from her and her husband’s disastrous Prince Andrew-esque past forays into media relations. The public really couldn’t give two hoots for her situation; they’d rather the two of them did the decent thing and learnt the art of treating their employees and the British taxpayer properly.
Pictured top: A cartoon of Marie Antoinette-like Lady Green – a woman whose extravagance knows no bounds, but whose sympathy for ordinary folk could be summed up as: “Let them eat cake.”
On Twitter, ‘Metro’ mocked Lady Green and her husband and stated: “Our thoughts are with anyone quarantining on a superyacht at this difficult time.”Sir Philip Green and his wife have enjoyed a life of luxury with Bentleys and Louis Vuitton tennis racket covers whilst their workers have been forced into penury.Previously another Twitter user, @RedFlagUK, pointed out that “greedy capitalist” Sir Philip “robbed people’s pensions to purchase himself a luxury yacht.”In April, Led By Donkeys quite rightly reminded Sir Philip Green – whom was branded a cross between “Shylock and Al Capone” by the actor Steven Berkoff in The Steeple Times in September 2016 – of his contradictory behaviour alongside an image of him looking like a beached whale.
