Coronavirus has plainly sent the ‘Guardian’s’ editorial team giddy; they’re now urging their readers to call sex chatlines
One has traditionally associated the Guardian with Michael Foot, open-toed sandal wearers and quinoa quiche munchers. More recently YouGov pollsters updated the analysis and curiously after sampling 9,373 of them profiled Guardian readers as cricket loving cat owners. They suggested their “top three favourites dishes” are “antipasti, aubergine parmigiana and braised endive” and pointed out they mostly shop at Waitrose and are into hiking and women’s issues also.
Plainly, though, now, the coronavirus outbreak has gone to the heads of those normally infallibly left-wing, likely vegetarian (quite possibly vegan) sorts that edit the daily read of the fans of Diane Abbott and her one-time sex partner Jeremy Corbyn. Today, the paper published a column by Pamela Stephenson Connolly – a “US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders” – in which she answered the question: “Is there a safe way for me to enjoy casual sex during the coronavirus crisis?”
Pam most certainly didn’t mince her words with her answers to the anonymous “casual sex” loving reader who asked: “Can I now have sex with strangers and avoid the risk of contracting coronavirus?” She responded by pointing out “there really is no way to safely get close enough to strangers for sex without a hazmat suit, and the erotic cachet of that scene would be extremely limited.”
Instead, for what the paper termed “sexual healing,” Pam advised: “Erotic phone or online conversations would be safest, during which it is possible to recreate any kind of fantasy scenario you can imagine. Think of these trying times as opportunities to expand your erotic creativity using different media platforms” before concluding: “Stay safe!”
Another poll suggested that Guardian readers are “77% more likely to say the point of drinking is to get drunk.” We’d suggest that instead of wasting money calling dirty sex chatlines, they stick to the hooch. It’s time, instead, for the former ‘Champagne Socialists’ in our lives to get down to their local ‘offie’ to get themselves a bottle of the former Meghan Markle’s “flash” favourite – it’s time to hit the Tignanello.
Correction: An earlier edition referenced “Diane Abbott and his one-time sex partner Diane Abbott.” We apologise for this error and to all those affected by the thought of ‘she of two left shoes’ being anything but a ‘real woman.’