Thursday, December 29, 2022

Crackpot Cliff Cutout

Cliff Richard shares his bizarre views about Brexit, losing friends, speaking to himself and liking being addressed by his title just as a cardboard cutout of him is nicked (thus causing “airport chaos”)

Last week, Sir Cliff Richard OBE rose up once again and was interviewed for ITV’s Lorraine show by the Scottish television presenter Ross King MBE in America.

 

In the 19:53 minute feature, “uncompromising Christian” Sir Cliff – a title he insisted he “couldn’t stop laughing for 10 minutes” when he was told he was going to be given it – announced:

 

“I like being called Sir Cliff. When I used to be introduced as Mr Cliff Richard, I said: ‘Don’t call me that, it’s not even on my passport or my credit card.’ The title has made my life informal as it now just Sir Cliff [and not Sir Cliff Richard].”

 

Moving on to Brexit, the oracle that is ‘Cliffy’ shared his equally bizarre and somewhat irrelevant views. He remarked:

 

“Brexit, exit, hexit? Who cares? I don’t think anyone’s quite explained it. I wasn’t allowed to vote anyway [he is resident in Barbados, he’ll have you know]… We are on the triangle of an island and we’re doing pretty well…. I can understand just being British and English again.”

 

On dementia in his family, he bizarrely commented of his sister: “I told Jackie, if she got it, I’d look after her. I’d put her in a cell” and on his career, he added: “I dreamed of being like Elvis. I’m probably the luckiest popstar who has ever lived.”

 

Moving on to his physical appearance and upbringing, Sir Cliff was brazen. “I used to be so cute,” he giggled, before adding: “When I look in the mirror, I thought: ‘Something’s happened to me… I feel good now.” He continued:

 

“I was born in India, but now, like Sting, I say: ‘I’m British, but my soul is in America… I love coming to America. I’m not really known here and when I go to get my haircut, the barber says: ‘Never heard of ya.’”

 

On his deceased chum Cilla Black and other friendships, Sir Cliff – who himself has previously expressed his dislike for Alice Cooper, Miley Cyrus and Liam and Noel Gallagher amongst others – was slightly necromancer like: “Cilla comes into every, every single conversation in Barbados still. She comes into everyone’s minds still, all the time.”

 

“She was loyal enough to say when all that was happening [the accusations of sexual offences against men that were levelled against him from 2014 to 2016] that she’d give her awards back. And I’d say: ‘Keep it, keep it.’ She was a very loyal friend.”

 

“It’s only been a couple of times in my life that people I thought were friends pulled away… They didn’t survive, but that had nothing to do with me.”

 

Moving specifically to another of his associates, Olivia Newton-John AC, OBE, Sir Cliff spoke directly. He made his position of power clear and announced: “I introduced her to the planet. But I couldn’t get rid of the woman.”

 

Concluding, Sir Cliff was equally audible. He stated: “Think of that phrase: ‘Older and wiser.’ Well, all I’ve done till now is get older, so, now, I’m trying to get wiser. But I’m not stopping. Ever.”

 

Elsewhere on Tuesday, the Daily Star published proof of Sir Cliff’s everlasting popularity amongst pensioners in revealing that a group of them “sparked airport chaos” after “masterminding” the theft of a cardboard cutout of the creepy crooner.

 

The paper reported the St Lawrence Bowls Team from Ramsgate, Kent “decided to nick the cut-out [from the duty free section at Faro airport] for their bar at the club because one of their members looks like the Living Doll singer.” One of their number, Jeffrey Marraway, remarked:

 

“I was amazed. We brought the airport to a stop, absolutely and totally amazed.”

 

“We were out bowling in Portugal having a good time when on the way home we saw Sir Cliff in duty free.”

 

“One of our members look like [Sir Cliff] so [we] thought it would be funny if he came with us.”

 

“He came with us for a drink in the bar and when it was time to go I folded him up and walked him through. We got on the plane and I put him in the overhead locker.”

 

“Then the pilot came on and said there would be no further action if we gave it back.”

 

“He shook my hand and said he’d never experienced anything as funny before and the stewardesses and stewards were laughing too.”

 

“We want to make [Sir Cliff] an honorary member [of our bowls club].”

 

“It was all good fun, everyone took it in the spirit it was intended.”

 

When asked for his thoughts on this matter, however, a spokesman for the mean spirited ‘star’ supposedly announced: “Sir Cliff is unavailable for comment.”

 

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The Steeple Times
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