The Steeple Times

Tag: Boris Johnson

  • Moron of the Moment – Dan Wootton

    Moron of the Moment – Dan Wootton

    Dominic Cummings mouthpiece Dan Wootton yet again shows himself to be a bit of a berk in attacking both ‘Tatler’ and Sir Keir Starmer in one hit in his column in ‘The Sun’

    Dan Wootton has previously been branded a “deeply unpleasant” sort and today he yet again showed his true credentials in attacking two completely unrelated entities, Tatler and Sir Keir Starmer, in his diabolically dire column in The Sun.

     

    Executive editor of the banned-in-Liverpool ‘paper’ Wootton – a New Zealander known for his “less than stellar career” according to Zelo Street – pathetically branded “dripping-with-bile” Tatler a “repulsive… bible for the elite… that makes my skin crawl” simply because it had dared to criticise the Duchess of Cambridge. He raged: “Tatler should be shunned because of the vile way it perpetuates a class system that does so much damage to society. Not Quite Our Magazine, Darling.”

     

    Moron of the Moment – Dan Wootton – ‘The Sun’s’ Dan Wootton yet again shows himself to be a bit of a berk in attacking both ‘Tatler’ and Sir Keir Starmer in one hit.
    Dan Wootton slammed the “lack of class from snobs at Tatler” on Friday in his “big exclusives, bold opinion” column.

    Turning to Sir Keir Starmer, whom thus far has shown himself as quite the stellar opposite of Jeremy Corbyn, self-declared “working-class lad” Wootton’s analysis was clear: “The same old politics from the same old Labour… Up to its old tricks.”

     

    Thanks Dan; perhaps return to upsetting “Warrington’s finest export” Kerry Katona, you were more effective at that. Next!

     

    Dan Wootton’s not-so ‘finest’ moments:

     

    On Dominic Cummings (who’d probably have preferred even Katie Hopkins as a defender): “Make no mistake, the establishment is out to get Dominic Cummings… I despair.”

     

    On footballer David Beckham and his singer turned fashion designer wife Victoria (whose fans responded with fury): “Weird and creepy.”

     

    On singer George Shelley (whose fans got equally upset): “[He’s] done a Tom Daley and come out as bisexual.”

     

    On singer Susan Boyle (whose management hit back with denial): “Volatile… Forced to shop Tesco and travel by bus.”

     

    On political activist and Novara Media editor Ash Sarkar (before he “shut her down” during a “fiery conversation”): “Grasping.”

     

    On Celebrity Masterchef winner Emma Kennedy (who reported him to Ofcom and threated to sue him with the help of Carter Ruck): “Deranged Boris hater.”

     

    On actor Johnny Depp (who sued him for defamation, outcome awaited post-coronavirus): “Wife beater.”

     

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  • Arcuri Attacks App

    Arcuri Attacks App

    Boris Johnson’s alleged ex-mistress Jennifer Arcuri slams NHS coronavirus tracking app and suggests: “There is no way I would download that!” … but she is set to go on Channel 4’s ‘Hunted’

    Just when Boris Johnson believed the Dominic Cummings travel scandal had (quite literally) been put to bed the press talking about his own nocturnal antics with his American “technology teacher,” the meddling minx Jennifer Arcuri has started to get her own back.

     

    In a very short ‘exclusive’ interview buried deep in the Mirror, Arcuri – whom promotes herself on social media as someone “with more brains and drive than two or three British politicians put together” – told the paper:

     

    “There is no way I would download [the NHS coronavirus tracking app] app. The government can say they’re doing the best to keep it secure, there’s just no guarantee it’s 100 per cent secure or the data is going to be kept secure, encrypted and used only for this. I don’t think people should give away their freedoms.”

     

    “Anything like your personal health data in a government database being used in some obscure app just raises all kind of flags for me. It became very apparent that the NHS was ill-equipped for a cyber attack. I don’t think tracking Covid-19 is an effective way of using tech money or trying to cure one’s health. I do not believe it is an acceptable use of government time, energy or money.”

     

    Elsewhere, on her Twitter account, Arcuri recently retweeted a December 2019 feature about herself by Techcrunch editor-at-large Mike Butcher for the New Statesman. In it, the author referenced how the far-right “Trumpsexual” paedophile apologist Milo Yiannopoulos used to attend the Hacker House co-founder’s parties [Note: We’re not sure why anyone would be proud of having that lunatic on their premises] and beneath that she retweeted a post by The Sunday People. It linked to a feature announcing she’ll supposedly be “starring” in a “special celebrity version of hit Channel 4 show Hunted.”

     

    With his alleged lover no doubt set to be plied with booze on a tacky reality television show, ‘Bosie The Clown’ must be delighted; it’s time for ‘Deviant Dom’ to “Fire Up the Quattro” and head off on another road trip. This time though, Dom, just don’t go via Barnard Castle.

     

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    Arcuri Attacks App – Jennifer Arcuri slams Boris Johnson app – Boris Johnson’s alleged ex-mistress Jennifer Arcuri slams NHS coronavirus tracking app and suggests: “There is no way I would download that!” Separately, it’s claimed she’s going on ‘Hunted’ on Channel 4.
    Boobs out – Jennifer Arcuri pictured out campaigning with Boris Johnson.
    Arcuri Attacks App – Jennifer Arcuri slams Boris Johnson app – Boris Johnson’s alleged ex-mistress Jennifer Arcuri slams NHS coronavirus tracking app and suggests: “There is no way I would download that!” Separately, it’s claimed she’s going on ‘Hunted’ on Channel 4.
    How twee – Boris Johnson snapped having a cup of tea with Boris Johnson.
    Arcuri Attacks App – Jennifer Arcuri slams Boris Johnson app – Boris Johnson’s alleged ex-mistress Jennifer Arcuri slams NHS coronavirus tracking app and suggests: “There is no way I would download that!” Separately, it’s claimed she’s going on ‘Hunted’ on Channel 4.
    She’s having a laugh – Jennifer Arcuri’s Twitter account handle. She describes herself as: an “entrepreneur” and “fearless” and claims to have “more brains and drive than two or three British politicians put together.” She directs the media to contact her at [email protected]
  • Desmond Dropped

    Desmond Dropped

    Ex-Daily Express owner Richard Desmond’s plans for a 1,500 apartment complex kicked out as Tory housing minister Robert Jenrick MP is shown to have “unlawfully approved” the proposed scheme

    This morning’s suggestion in the Guardian that government housing minister Robert Jenrick MP “unlawfully approved” a £1 billion 1,500 unit housing scheme in the Isle of Dogs by the ex-media baron Richard Desmond (AKA ‘Mr Badger’) has surprisingly gone little reported elsewhere.

     

    Given the green light just 24 hours before a new levy that “would have cost [Desmond] over £40 million” kicked in, the minister has now accepted the application must be “redetermined.”

     

    With this controversial planning decision now frozen after Tower Hamlets council took legal action against the minister because of their apparent “bias towards the former owner of the Star, Daily Express and Sunday Express,” further questions about Jenrick’s judgment will follow.

     

    Local councilor Andrew Wood, whom resigned from the Conservative Party “over the issue,” has now “put in a freedom of information request for all the correspondence between officials and the minister relating to the Westferry Road printworks development.”

     

    He told the Guardian: “It should be investigated. The key question is: why did [Robert Jenrick] make the decision when he did so against the inspector’s advice?”

     

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    Desmond Dropped – Richard Desmond and Robert Jenrick MP – Ex-Daily Express owner Richard Desmond’s plans for a 1,500 apartment complex kicked out as Tory housing minister Robert Jenrick MP is shown to have “unlawfully approved” the proposed scheme.
    Robert Jenrick approved Richard Desmond’s £1 billion Westferry Printworks, Isle of Dogs, E14 scheme in January. 1,524 properties were due to be built there on the site of the former presses of the ‘Daily Express,’ ‘Sunday Express’ and ‘Daily Star.’ Originals plans, approved by then mayor Boris Johnson in 2016, for the site were for just 722 units.
  • Distraction Dom

    Distraction Dom

    Matthew Steeples suggests devious Dominic Cummings might actually be the best asset bungling Boris Johnson has got left; the king of distraction has made Jennifer Arcuri go away

    Aside from consoling himself with the weak warblings of morose ministers who’ve been drafted out to lackadaisically laud him, most would suggest Dominic Cummings is the loneliest man in politics this Sunday. Instead, in reality – though no one’s got around to publicly saying it (yet) – this modern day Mandelson could still prove to be Boris Johnson’s most useful asset.

     

    Hidden away somewhere deep in Downing Street in his beanie hat, this lookalike of Compo from Last of the Summer Wine crossed with Michael Kelly as Doug Stamper in the House of Cards has achieved one very important thing this weekend: Cummings has made the tawdriest elements of the Jennifer Arcuri story disappear from Sunday’s front pages.

     

    Whilst Cummings’ wife, Mary Wakefield, certainly didn’t help the initial narrative with her clearly confused and contradictory account of how the pair had lived during their time with coronavirus in The Spectator, she certainly set in place curiosity as to where and in the company of whom the PM’s closest henchman had been sleeping. Then, when this Oxford graduate went “off on one” with his arrogant utterings as he clambered into his Land Rover Discovery yesterday, Cummings actually pulled a blinder.

     

    Subsequent revelations as to whether the senior adviser to the Prime Minister attempted a rendition of Theresa May’s “wandering in the wheat fields” and boogied in the bluebells are surprisingly neither here nor there. Aside from quite rightly exciting anger from the public due to his hypocrisy, Cummings, in true Machiavellian fashion, has instead just shifted the news agenda away from BoJo’s very own bedroom behaviour.

     

    In a clear example of the ‘distraction technique’ coming into play, Cummings’ travails have made everyone forget the sordid sexual relations ‘Bonking Boris’ had with the American founder of Hacker House. According to a most reliable source close to Downing Sttreet, Arcuri – a woman whom believes she has “been thrown under a bus” by her former lover – was about to give a “kiss-and-tell,” but has now retreated to her bunker. For now, ‘Bungling Boris’ can stay home and stay safe; the blabbering bird has (for now) been belted-up.

     

    Pictured top: The finest examples of modern day distraction technique spinners in politics (both in reality and in fiction) have to be Dominic Cummings and Doug Stamper.

     

    Distraction Dom – Dominic Cummings wipes out Jennifer Arcuri – Matthew Steeples suggests devious Dominic Cummings might actually be the best asset bungling Boris Johnson has got left; the king of distraction has made Jennifer Arcuri go away.
    (Not So) Sexy Time with Jen and Dom – Jennifer Arcuri’s alleged attempt to kiss-and-tell about her indoor activities with Boris Johnson were supposedly put on hold this weekend due to the outdoor antics of Dominic Cummings dominating the news.

    Elsewhere on social media and taking a break from sharing his enjoyment of Vimto and dislike of Jeremy Clarkson, the “laureate for our fractured times” turned Pan Macmillan published novelist Brian Bilston shared a poem he’d prepared about Mr Cummings. It follows.

     

    Dominic Cummings: The Lockdown Tour

    By Brian Bilston

     

    He’s been locking down in London,

    And a bit in Durham, too.

    Not to mention Barnard Castle,

    Legoland and Bristol Zoo.

     

    He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent

    And Weston-super-Mare.

    He’s spread himself quite thin of late.

    He’s been spreading everywhere.

     

    He’s been locking down in Basildon,

    In Derby, Penge and Frome.

    Wherever he lays his beanie hat,

    That’s his lockdown home.

     

    He’s more spreadable than margarine.

    He’s been spreading far and wide.

    He’ll be locking down in your town soon:

    Spread the word and stay inside.

     

    To support a Change.org petition calling for Dominic Cummings to either “resign or be sacked,” click here.

     

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    Distraction Dom – Dominic Cummings wipes out Jennifer Arcuri – Matthew Steeples suggests devious Dominic Cummings might actually be the best asset bungling Boris Johnson has got left; the king of distraction has made Jennifer Arcuri go away.
    Tweedle Deviant and Tweedle Deviant – Is Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson’s brotherhood of bumbling balls-ups about to be brought to an end? The public are most definitely braying for blood.
  • Wally of the Week – Nadine Dorries

    Wally of the Week – Nadine Dorries

    Tory twerp and Twitter twaddler ‘Mad Nad’ Nadine Dorries MP deserves to be sacked (if she doesn’t first resign) after disgracefully smearing Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer

    It’s an incredibly rare thing when the Trotskyist terror Owen Jones is the one talking complete sense, but in calling for Nadine Dorries – a woman whom once ludicrously remarked: “[I’m] not an MP for any other reason other than because God wants me to be” – to be sacked after defaming Sir Keir Starmer by retweeting far-right smears about him, the author of Chavs is for once bang on the nail.

     

    Quick to demand others correct, their errors – in August 2019, for example, Dorries herself tweeted: “I hope all those who gleefully flew to the keyboard and typed out  #porkies in an attempt to traduce the reputation of our PM @BorisJohnson are as quick to bang out an apology and put the record straight” – Dorries, currently a health minister for patient safety, suicide prevention and mental health, used Twitter to share a doctored far right video. It had been falsely manipulated to make it look like the new Labour leader knew about child abuse and did nothing whilst head of the Crown Prosecution Service and though she’s deleted it, she hasn’t even issued a public apology.

     

    The woman whom branded David Cameron and George Osborne “two arrogant posh boys who don’t know the price of milk” has now been shown herself to be someone who doesn’t know the truth behind what she tweets. In December 2012, Dorries declared: “My career is not over… It’s only just beginning.” We’d now argue, it’s time for this berk to end it all; it’s time for ‘Mad Nad’ to bog off and write a few more bonkbusters.

     

    #ResignDorries

     

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    Wally of the Week –Tory twerp and Twitter twaddler ‘Mad Nad’ Nadine Dorries MP deserves to be sacked (if she doesn’t first resign) after disgracefully smearing Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer on social media.
    Shame on ‘Mad Nad’ – Owen Jones called for Nadine Dorries to be sacked on Friday on Twitter (left); the since deleted retweet in which the Member of Parliament for Mid Bedfordshire suggested a “fake news” tweet was “revealing.”
    Wally of the Week –Tory twerp and Twitter twaddler ‘Mad Nad’ Nadine Dorries MP deserves to be sacked (if she doesn’t first resign) after disgracefully smearing Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer on social media.
    Nadine Dorries where she belongs – The self-publicising MP covered in cockroaches and maggots whilst participating in I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! in November 2012.
  • Disciplining BoJo

    Disciplining BoJo

    Actor Tony Discipline amusingly tears up Boris Johnson’s utterly confusing ‘Stay Alert’ coronavirus lockdown revision statement

    Tony Discipline – best known for having played Tyler Moon in the BBC soap opera EastEnders – took to social media to explain Boris Johnson’s revised lockdown policies on Monday.

     

    Illustrating the contradictory nature of the Prime Minister’s new directives by quoting him directly, the actor accurately summed up the confusion that has followed in a brilliant little skit.

     

    With nothing to do but #StayAlert according to our befuddled leader, we suggest readers do something simpler: Adopt the DISCIPLINE of Tony and pour yourself another gin.

     

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  • Canary Claims Corbyn Still Hasn’t Croaked

    Canary Claims Corbyn Still Hasn’t Croaked

    That ‘The Canary’ is still lauding Jeremy Corbyn as “the best Prime Minister we never had” about sums up that sorry shower of a rag’s grasp on the current state of British politics

    Whilst The Steeple Times is anything but a fan of Boris Johnson and his government, we most certainly would never have welcomed Jeremy Corbyn as Prime Minister.

     

    On Saturday, however, The Canary – a far-left, arse-licking online rag that claims to have a “wider reach online than The Times” – saluted Diane Abbott’s former “bedfellow” (in all senses of that word) as “someone who stands for the many, not the few” and “the best Prime Minister we never had.” They went further and concluded: “On VE Day… Corbyn reminded us of the kind of leadership we so badly need at this time of crisis.”

     

    Known for having produced many “questionable pieces” in times past, the nauseating bird that should long ago have croaked that is The Canary has hopefully finally now realised that it is now as alive as Jeremy Corbyn’s prospects of entering Downing Street. It ended its so-called “article” with a pathetic begging note that stated:

     

    “We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out. Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?”

     

    Next!

     

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  • Moron of the Moment – Lady Brady

    Moron of the Moment – Lady Brady

    ‘The Steeple Times’ suggests that in the wake of the latest drivel she spouted in ‘The Sun on Sunday’ well-known washed-up wench and all-round “nasty piece of work” Karren Brady belongs in the funny farm

    In her weekly column in The Sun on Sunday yesterday, The Right Honourable The Baroness Brady of Knightsbridge CBE – better known simply as Karren Brady, an “overpainted Aunt Sally caked in cheap makeup” whose businesses associations have primarily involved the grubby pornographer David Sullivan and the “cross between Shylock and Al Capone” that is Sir ‘Shifty’ Philip Green – shared a bit of information that nobody need ever know.

     

    Aside from illustrating her rank on the Mensa roster in revealing something nobody else on the entire planet knew in stating: “What a month it’s been for Boris Johnson,” Lady Brady also announced: “I am as keen as the next person to regain my freedom.” She then, pass the sick bucket urgently please, added: “At present, in fact, I am mainly wearing pyjamas all day as well as in bed.” As constellation, at a time when we are all coping with the COVID-19 lockdown, one can at least be thankful that she didn’t go further and follow Baroness Mone and go on about her bra choices or dip into the territory of Ferne McCann and try and flog some soiled knickers.

     

    Disgracefully ennobled by David Cameron for utterly no good reason, “muckspreader” Lady Brady (AKA ‘Baroness Bozo’ and #LazyBrady) went on to show how out of touch she is with the ordinary populous. In a segment ever-so enthusiastically titled: “PREGNANT PAUSE FOR A NATION” (in caps for extra-special emphasis), this dimwitted oddity bizarrely offered “huge congratulations” to an American model of Dutch-Palestinian descent named Gigi Hadid and an English singer of Pakistani-Irish descent named Zayn Malik. We’re no doubt lightyears away from fathoming the reasoning as to why the ever-so-vital “pregnant pause” and the ever-so “huge congratulations” are especially required for Hadid and Malik, but, hey ho, we are dealing with Karren Brady – Lord Sugar’s token bit of sideline smut from the graveyard for self-declared “genuine celebrities” that is The Apprentice.

     

    Aside from not explaining exactly which “nation” exactly she was referencing (she probably doesn’t actually know what a nation is herself, poor love), former “dildo merchant” turned “faithful companion of Jesus” Lady Brady helpfully then declared: “They are expecting a baby… which just proves that life goes on. What a beautiful baby they will have. It’s great to have some good news amid the gloom.” Let’s all join her and praise the Lord.

     

    Of this wannabe prophet, one reader previously observed: “All business transactions associated with Lady Brady end in Richard Branson-esque failure” and now we’ll go further: “All falling for the supposed wise words of the pyjama-clad Lady Brady henceforth may find themselves joining her in the funny farm.” It is now time to lock this hapless harridan in a padded cell and throw away the key.

     

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  • Susie Steiner

    Susie Steiner

    “I’m sorry I still love him” unabashedly declared author, journalist and “stationary addict” Susie Steiner of Tony Blair on Twitter during the coronavirus lockdown whilst amusingly adding of Boris Johnson: “If only I could retreat to Chequers.” Registered fully blind and a mother of two, this former Guardian commissioning editor did a “little one-page feature, showing the ‘Keep Calm’ poster as one of her favourite things” in 2005. “After that, all hell broke loose,” according to Stuart Manley, co-owner of Barter Books of Alnwick, and what Steiner terms a “message of stoicism and patience” went viral. She thinks “it’s had its day now” and after publishing her first novel, Homecoming, in 2013, this West Hampstead based Londoner signed “significant six-figure” deals for her subsequent works. “Susie is a joy to publish” remarked Suzie Dooré of Borough Press, whilst she herself gave away the secret to her much deserved success in a 2016 interview with The Hampstead & Highgate Express: “I’m very disciplined about my work… The daily-ness is what matters; it’s being in contact with it all the time that keeps the work alive in your mind. Your mind is doing it even when your trogging up the hill from school or waiting in the hairdressers. It fingers it like a pebble in your pocket.”

     

    Susie Steiner – Journalist turned best-selling crime author; she loves Tony Blair – Registered blind former ‘Guardian’ commissioning editor Susie Steiner helped ‘Keep Calm’ go viral in 2005 and became a novelist in 2013. This Londoner’s best-selling works include ‘Missing, Presumed.’
  • Sheen Shines

    Sheen Shines

    The ‘Guardian’s’ Rebecca Nicholson’s fascinating interview with the actor Michael Sheen is exactly the kind of reading needed during coronavirus lockdown; he reveals previously unknown details about bizarre encounters with Tony Blair, Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng Murdoch

    It’s hard to find stories to read right now in newspapers that don’t relate to coronavirus and it’s even harder to find compelling interviews that don’t feature bleeding hearts banging on about what good they’re doing (when they’re just actually craving a return to their glory days gaining acres of Alexa Chung-type press acreage).

     

    Gone are the days of the great, the good and the not-so-good actually revealing something we didn’t already know and instead, it seems, COVID-19 has reduced The Telegraph, for example, to unimaginatively asking the chef Jason Atherton: “Powder or piste?” (His 50/50 chance answer: The latter – for those of you actually interested in this kind of inane drivel).

     

    Today, however, the Guardian’s Rebecca Nicholson pulled a blinder with what one reader described as a “marvellous portrait” of the actor best known for repeatedly playing Tony Blair, Michael Sheen. Though ‘Two Tony’s’ – according to an individual who left a comment online afterwards – “sounds thoroughly uncomfortable,” Nicholson coaxed her subject into revealing amongst other things that Wendi Deng Murdoch once asked him to “dress like [Blair]” and “make [his] hair look like him” so she could “bring [him] out and surprise [Blair].” Please don’t throw up whilst considering that rather scary image. Thankfully there’s no mention as to whether Sheen enquired about the alleged extra-marital relations that went on between the ‘real’ Tony and the now ex-Mrs Murdoch, as there would be a detail that’d certainly be nearly as off-putting as what allegedly went on between the wife of one of the most loathed premier’s in history and Carole Caplin (what on earth became of her?) in a shower in Downing Street.

     

    Sheen, a man “fascinated by Blair’s legacy,” but someone who didn’t meet the “wary of [him]” ex-PM until after he’d already played him twice, also shares snippets of an encounter with Rupert Murdoch. Of it, the ex of Kate Beckinsale recalls: “There was a very peculiar moment with Murdoch. I remember standing looking out at the view, and then I realised that Murdoch was standing next to me. It was quite a hot day. I just remember seeing a little bead of black dye, running down his face. I thought, oh, Ozymandias [two sonnets by Percy Shelley about the decline of rulers with their pretensions to greatness].”

     

    Moving on to how he is “astonished” by our current Prime Minister, Sheen observes: “It’s very hard to trust someone who can go so easily in different ways.” Nicholson then concludes the interview with a suggestion: “Part of me hopes [Michael Sheen] might one day take the idea of Michael Sheen MP seriously, after all.” Superb.

     

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