Pam Ayres makes a poem of Matthew Steeples
Yesterday, I found myself listening to a self-proclaimed “writer, broadcaster and entertainer” named Pam Ayres on BBC Radio 4.
An example of her style numbers:
Two stories to keep beside you
Pam Ayres MBE
This supposed “First Lady of Comedy” spouts lines like: “He had a bull name Floyd, but he was unemployed.” How long did it take her to come up with that? Her appearances on Radio 4 and elsewhere are peppered with references to “blummin’ people” and how she’s “stuck all [she] can stick.” Could someone please […]
Save The Free Press
As #SaveTheSunNewspaper trends on Twitter, an analysis of the sorry state of the British press should act as a wake-up call to our nation suggests Matthew Steeples Yesterday, ‘Save The Sun Newspaper’ was all over Twitter. Those clicking the hashtag were not taken to a page bemoaning the fact that the Rupert Murdoch owned paper […]
“I am sittin’ on the sofa. By the fire and stayin’ in. Me head is free of comfort. And me nose is free of skin. Me friends have run for cover, They have left me pale and sick. With me pockets full of tissues. And me nostrils full of Vick.”
I recall having first encountered the supposed “humour “of Ms Ayres, whom the Daily Telegraph once described as “the doyenne of doggerel,” at a dinner hosted by The Lady Taverners at The Savoy some years ago. As Ayres droned on, an American lady at my table tapped me on the shoulder and said: “What the hell is this strange woman on about?” Having never heard of this “poet,” I shrugged and simply responded: “I haven’t got a clue.” When, in desperation, it was suggested we vacate to the bar, I embraced the idea with gusto. Sat there with an extremely strong martini, I felt well again.
That, I assumed, would be the last my poor ears heard from Ayres but sadly it was not to be. Radio 4, which I listen to throughout the day, have chosen to give her airtime and yesterday, when she came on, the first comment from my friend Charles was: “Oh God, not her, she terrified me even when I was a kid.” The unwelcome ghostly voice of an evening past had returned to my life.
Having had my fill, I thought I’d share my thoughts with my Twitter followers and posted the following:
“I have to say @PamAyres is quite possibly the most tedious person on @BBCRadio4. Her attempt at “humour” is cringeworthy and annoying.”
Within minutes, I’d been bombarded with hatemail from furious fans of Ayres. Most curiously amongst them were missives from the former game show panelist Annabel Giles (@Annabel_Giles) and “Britain’s premiere [sic] Nazi hunter” Alan Stoob (@nazihunteralan). Plainly Ayres is “much loved” in all manner of circles.
Later, a poem came from the woman herself. It reads as follows:
This geezer Matthew Steeples (May he rot in K & C)
Has posted on his twitterfeed a photograph of me
And with my blameless heifers he has held us up to shame,
I may heal in time. The cows will NEVER be the same.
“Blummin’ ‘ell:” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Never could I have imagined that I’d find myself immortalised in a poem by Pam Ayres.
Learn more about Pam Ayres at: http://www.pamayres.com or follow her on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ayrespam She might even pen a verse in your honour if you’re, erm, lucky.
Readers have their say
3 comments
What a scream ! Pam is wonderful..how best to cope with unwelcome publicity than to pen a witty doggerel. Good for her. This is a hugely funny story, I’ve been busy outlining my virgin article to the Steeple Times ( secret topic) and had no idea about Charles’s comment. I’m going to chuckle all night long.
Pam Ayres is a national treasure…I do hope she pens a poem about me.
Monima – the Wizard from Wales – has many tales
She’d share without too much urgin’
But for the Steeple Times the secret’s out
She’s just a literary virgin
Now we are being bombarded on every commercial break on ITV 3 with Miss Ayres.Its worse than Chinese water torture.Enough is enough!