Sunday, September 17, 2023

Twittering S-Pam

Section:

Pam Ayres makes a poem of Matthew Steeples

 

Yesterday, I found myself listening to a self-proclaimed “writer, broadcaster and entertainer” named Pam Ayres on BBC Radio 4.

 

Pam Ayres

An example of her style numbers:

 

“I am sittin’ on the sofa. By the fire and stayin’ in. Me head is free of comfort. And me nose is free of skin. Me friends have run for cover, They have left me pale and sick. With me pockets full of tissues. And me nostrils full of Vick.”

 

I recall having first encountered the supposed “humour “of Ms Ayres, whom the Daily Telegraph once described as “the doyenne of doggerel,” at a dinner hosted by The Lady Taverners at The Savoy some years ago. As Ayres droned on, an American lady at my table tapped me on the shoulder and said: “What the hell is this strange woman on about?” Having never heard of this “poet,” I shrugged and simply responded: “I haven’t got a clue.” When, in desperation, it was suggested we vacate to the bar, I embraced the idea with gusto. Sat there with an extremely strong martini, I felt well again.

 

That, I assumed, would be the last my poor ears heard from Ayres but sadly it was not to be. Radio 4, which I listen to throughout the day, have chosen to give her airtime and yesterday, when she came on, the first comment from my friend Charles was: “Oh God, not her, she terrified me even when I was a kid.” The unwelcome ghostly voice of an evening past had returned to my life.

 

Having had my fill, I thought I’d share my thoughts with my Twitter followers and posted the following:

 

“I have to say @PamAyres is quite possibly the most tedious person on @BBCRadio4. Her attempt at “humour” is cringeworthy and annoying.”

 

Within minutes, I’d been bombarded with hatemail from furious fans of Ayres. Most curiously amongst them were missives from the former game show panelist Annabel Giles (@Annabel_Giles) and “Britain’s premiere [sic] Nazi hunter” Alan Stoob (@nazihunteralan). Plainly Ayres is “much loved” in all manner of circles.

 

Later, a poem came from the woman herself. It reads as follows:

 

This geezer Matthew Steeples (May he rot in K & C)

Has posted on his twitterfeed a photograph of me

And with my blameless heifers he has held us up to shame,

I may heal in time. The cows will NEVER be the same.

 

“Blummin’ ‘ell:” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Never could I have imagined that I’d find myself immortalised in a poem by Pam Ayres.

 

Learn more about Pam Ayres at: http://www.pamayres.com or follow her on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ayrespam She might even pen a verse in your honour if you’re, erm, lucky.

The Steeple Times
The Steeple Times
We research and background check our articles. If you believe we have made and error in some detail please get in touch, we seek always to write the truth and stand against a press owned by a self selected few. Please help us, we will accept all your likes, subscriptions and anonymous suport. The Editor and his team at the Steeple Times.

3 COMMENTS

  1. What a scream ! Pam is wonderful..how best to cope with unwelcome publicity than to pen a witty doggerel. Good for her. This is a hugely funny story, I’ve been busy outlining my virgin article to the Steeple Times ( secret topic) and had no idea about Charles’s comment. I’m going to chuckle all night long.
    Pam Ayres is a national treasure…I do hope she pens a poem about me.

    • Monima – the Wizard from Wales – has many tales
      She’d share without too much urgin’
      But for the Steeple Times the secret’s out
      She’s just a literary virgin

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

£1 per week Supports The Steeple Times

Help journalism to remain honest & independent. You can make a difference to the world today.

3,573FansLike
2,068FollowersFollow
16,684FollowersFollow
4,962SubscribersSubscribe

Subscribe For DAILY NEWS

Please subscribe, like and share this unique site, it helps us tremendously. The Steeple Times in return will send you an email at noon each and everyday, that we sincerely hope you will enjoy & look forward to seeing in your inbox.

AD
Advertisement

Trending Now

‘Comeback King’ Kevin Spacey – Actor Seeks To “Leave The Nonsense Behind”

As Kevin Spacey’s eccentric ‘friend’ Geoffrey Mark claims the “exonerated” actor will now “leave the nonsense behind” and begin his comeback, we remind of his friendships with ‘curious sorts’ including Prince Andrew, Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein.

Summer Silly Season Stories 2023 – ‘The Steeple Times’ Is Back

Matthew Steeples highlights the stories he’s been following during the ‘silly season’ summer of 2023 – amongst them matters Ghislaine Maxwell and Rudy Giuliani and podcasts about ‘true crime’ as a genre.

Most Popular Articles

Was Mucky Minx Meghan Markle A ‘Yacht Girl’ For ‘Randy Andy’?

As author Kirby Sommers suggests that the then Meghan Markle likely spent time with Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein before she met Prince Harry, we again highlight the mucky, murkiness and mendacious manner of this alleged “yacht girl.”

Most Liked...

Big Zuu (Birth Name – Zuhair Hassan)

Big Zuu Zuhair Hassan
A rapper and grime MC turned TV star of ‘Big Zuu’s Big Eats,’ Zuhair Hassan is an example of a youngster with infectious positivity and great talent. A modern-day Keith Floyd in the making.

Nasty NestSeekers

Nasty NestSeekers – Realtor turned alleged squatter Jonathan Davis – Entitled Hamptons brat Jonathan Davis exposed for allegedly squatting in a house in Sag Harbor owned by Paula Rosado during the coronavirus lockdown; it turns out he’s a realtor with NestSeekers.
Entitled Hamptons brat Jonathan Davis exposed for allegedly squatting in Sag Harbor during the coronavirus lockdown; it turns out he’s a realtor with NestSeekers.

Messing About in Boats

Thameside cottage where ‘Lewis’ was filmed for sale; it is just the perfect place for ‘messing about in boats’ Two episodes of the Inspector...

Cut The Conspiracy Claptrap – Crazy Theories About The Deaths Of...

Cut The Conspiracy Claptrap
Matthew Steeples suggests that the crazy conspiracy claptrap that has followed in the wake of the death of Her Majesty The Queen and the ongoing nonsense that circulates online about Jeffrey Epstein is exactly that; crazy claptrap.

SW3’s Smallest – Smallest Stand-Alone House In Chelsea For Sale For...

SW3’s Smallest – Smallest Stand-Alone House In Chelsea For Sale For Staggering Sum
Smallest stand-alone house in Chelsea for sale for 100% more than it was offered for in 2017; there’s barely room to swing a cat.