Tag: pizza

Farting Fergie

Sarah Ferguson gets overexcited over a farting book, but still hasn’t declared if she’s repaid a loan from paedo Jeffrey Epstein

Somewhat simple Sarah Ferguson – a wack job who still hasn’t declared whether she ever repaid money she took as a loan from the croaked paedophile Jeffrey Epstein – took to YouTube this week to read a “scratch and sniff unicorn fart book.”

Whilst well-known as a lover of having her tepid toes sucked in the past, Pizza Express (Woking branch) loving ‘Randy Andy’s’ live-in ex-wife enthusiasm for a book about “emitting wind from the anus” was subsequently described as her showing she’s “ever the working girl” according to the MailOnline’s Claire Toureille.

Fergie’s farts, however, have yet to gain gas and go viral. In spite of a further article by Craig Brown in the Daily Mail which asked if the fruitcake known as the former Meghan Markle would be doing a follow-up fart “30 years from now,” just 835 people have actually bothered to watch this one-time royal bang on about flatulence.

Famous Farts

Roald Dahl, The BFG

“A whizzpopper!” cried the BFG, beaming at her. “Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?”

Ernest Hemmingway, 88 Poems

“Home is where the heart is, home is where the fart is.

Come let us fart in the home.

There is no art in a fart.

Still a fart may not be artless.

Let us fart and artless fart in the home.”

Robert Rinder

“I can smell a liar like a fart in a lift!”

Farting Fergie – What will Her Majesty The Queen make of Sarah, Duchess of York’s decision to share stories with the world via YouTube about farting?

Farting Fergie – In February 2018, the ‘Mirror’ reported that: “The Queen once got accused of farting loudly and trying to blame it on the horses.” They remarked: “The Queen is probably one of the last people on earth you can imagine farting in public. Not only would it be mortifying to accidentally let rip while meeting her subjects, the whole world would soon get to know about it.”

Farting Fergie – ‘Fergie’s’ non-sweating ex-husband Prince Andrew was widely mocked after claiming to distinctly remember a visit to Pizza Express in Woking on the day he allegedly had sex with the then teenage Virginia Roberts, now Giuffre, in 2001. During his juggernaut crashworthy interview with Emily Maitlis in November 2019, he remarked: “I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a Pizza Express in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there.” Whether he actually attended has since been disputed and whether he actually consumed pizza and whether it caused him to fart remains still unknown.

Farting Fergie – On Thursday 20th August 1992, the ‘Daily Mirror’ shared what they called “the pictures they didn’t want you to see.” In them, a topless Duchess of York was shown having her toes sucked in the South of France by a Texan millionaire named John Bryan. Of the incident, the ‘Mirror’ later reported: “Royal writer Richard Kay claimed in the ‘Daily Mail’ that he received a message via pager from Princess Diana the night before the photos hit the newspaper stands. Diana’s message was simple: ‘The redhead’s in trouble.’”

Farting Fergie – Sarah, Duchess of York pictured with the since incarcerated Ghislaine Maxwell at an opening party at Asprey in 2003. It remains unknown as to whether ‘Fergie’ ever repaid a loan from the mucky madam’s now croaked boss Jeffrey Epstein, but this week a New York court threw out mendacious Maxwell’s bid to keep her 2016 testimony about sex toys sealed.

February 11, 2021
Dining With The Dopey Dorks

Prince Andrew and his daughter’s dining habits – and the tall tales about did-he-or-didn’t-he go to Pizza Express (Woking branch) – get this dopey dork-like pair into hot water yet again

Prince Andrew wants to be remembered for going to ‘nanny’s day off’ eateries like Pizza Express to get a non-sweaty alibi. He likely won’t. His daughter, Princess Beatrice, doesn’t want to be remembered for going to chi-chi Mayfair munching spots like Isabel for rule breaking rendezvous. She most definitely did.

Here, in yet another case of ‘like-father-like-daughter’ (no doubt guided by the advice of the childlike live-in ex-wife and mother Sarah Ferguson), these royal embarrassments have shoved their hooves into the proverbial yet again. As self-entitled and dumb as they are, will this thicko family never learn?

Whilst Princess Beatrice has been slammed for ‘doing a Kay Burley’ and breaching Tier 2 Covid regulations by The Sun, the fact that her dad ‘Randy Andy’s’ Pizza Express alibi has been basically trash canned is proof that the House of York should now be the one family in Britain actually adapting Boris Johnson’s monotonous mantra. Instead of: “Stay at Home, Save Lives,” it’s time for these rotten royals to: “Stay at Home, Stop the Lies.” A Bachelors Cup-A-Soup for dinner, Beatrice?

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Dining With The Dorks – The Duke of York’s seemingly preposterous Pizza Express Woking alibi has deservedly been the source of ridicule now for more than a year. Here is a man, after all, who’s known for his love of spending other peoples’ money enjoying luxuries such as Bentleys, helicopters and private jets and for enjoying the company of the notorious skinflint Bernie Ecclestone.

Dining With The Dorks – Of Princess Beatrice’s dinner at Isabel, one fellow diner told ‘The Sun’: “Bea should be setting a better example. I couldn’t believe my eyes. If the royal family can’t get coronavirus rules right, what hope for the rest of us? … One of my pals saw her and started joking, ‘Orf with her head’ and ‘Send her to the Tower.’”

Dining With The Dorks – Whilst Prince Andrew likes to go low-key and dine at Pizza Express (Woking branch), his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson likes to live it up in ‘Celebrity Waitrose’ in Belgravia. If she simply took her family home a few ‘Meal Deals,’ she could save the House of York a lot of embarrassment. Get to it ‘Queen of Toe Sucking!’

December 14, 2020
Riccardo’s Responds

Riccardo’s restaurant in Chelsea leads the way in showing community mindedness during the coronavirus outbreak

Across the land small businesses are doing their bit for their communities and a case in point in Chelsea comes in the form of Riccardo’s, the popular Tuscan style Italian restaurant on Fulham Road.

Owner Riccardo Mariti, having had to close for seated lunch and dinner service, has most helpfully turned his premises into a deli and is offering a delivery service also. Not only is the restaurant selling standard items such as pizza and organic chicken from the Rhug Estate in North Wales, but they also offer lavatory roll at £2 per pack (limited to one per order), fresh milk, mixed fruit and vegetables, fresh meat and wine also. Food and other items can either be delivered or collected.

Whilst many others are providing such, Riccardo’s is going one stage further and is also offering use of their maintenance crew to help with shopping and emergency repairs in the locality as well. Here, indeed, is a fine example of selflessness and here is a business that deserves to be saluted. If you’re nearby, here’s a far better solution than facing the queues at Sainsbury’s.

Riccardo’s, 126 Fulham Road, Chelsea, London, SW3 6HU. Telephone: +44 (0) 20 7370 6656. To see what is available and order, click here.

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March 26, 2020
With Friends Like These…

That Prince Andrew decided to share his birthday with the diminutive skinflint Bernie Ecclestone shows the new low he has reached

‘Randy Andy’ has never been considered capable of carefulness in his choice of company, but in opting to have one of the stingiest billionaires on the planet round for a spot of dinner (and a “few high-spirited games” afterwards according to The Sun) shows this alleged groper’s demise is nearly complete.

This morning, the paper reported the Duke of York and his family had the poisonous dwarf Bernie Ecclestone round to his Royal Lodge, Windsor home last Wednesday to celebrate his birthday. That they couldn’t get a better quality of guest given the scandals they’re engulfed in is not surprising, but one is only left asking: “What did this reprehensible bunch consume?”

Given tax careful Bernard – a man with qualities that would make Leona Helmsley look generous – is renowned for his meanness with money, most likely he brought with him the cheapest margherita from the Woking branch of Pizza Express. Undoubtedly nobody sweated either and one can likely predict that ‘The Coffin Dodger’ opted to take the takeaway cardboard box home with him for re-use later.

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Prince Andrew is plainly a man who’ll hang out with anyone – as long as they are rich and/or powerful. He had no qualms in staying with the paedophile Jeffrey Epstein after he got out of jail.

He’s spent time with the alleged procurer of underage girls Ghislaine Maxwell as recently as last summer.

He’s a friend of Donald and Melania Trump. The President is well-known for tax evasion and many other nefarious activities.

He and his wife spent time holidaying at the expense of the alleged paedophile Peter Nygard.

The Duke and Duchess of York also associated with the convicted paedophile Stuart Hall. Shame on the pair of them.

February 26, 2020
Basically Brilliant

Firezza’s first “proper restaurant” in Dean Street, Soho offers gourmet pizza by-the-metre at remarkably reasonable prices; it is a must visit

Edin Basic can be credited with changing the way Brits order pizza. Prior to his arrival in London from war torn Bosnia some twenty-five years ago, home delivered pizza was – if it ever arrived – greasy, cold and pretty unimaginative.

Replacing ham and pineapple as the most exotic thing on the menu with an aim to “create the best pizza in the world”, Mr Basic travelled to Naples, learnt from the best and brought his vision to West London. In 2001, Firezza was born and in the years that followed he built up a 17-site business that was sold to Pizza Express in 2016. He is still part of the operation and is currently expanding the business nationwide and, with a few twists, into China also.

On Wednesday this week, Basic’s journey took a new turn when Firezza opened their first “proper restaurant” in Dean Street, Soho. Featuring the by-the-metre, fire-baked gourmet pizza that customers of the firm’s delivery service have so-loved for nearly two decades, this anything but fussy venue served around 800 on its first day but was still able to provide quality at affordable prices.

Ranging from a margherita for just £5.95 through to a capricciosa for £7.65, Firezza Dean Street is a restaurant that won’t break the bank but equally won’t disappoint. Aside from the freshest ingredients, with an open kitchen and a stunning space pod like Marana Forni pizza oven, watching the chefs work is akin to a ballet performance. Perfectly organised and planned to ensure pizza-to-table in around five minutes, Basic’s team are efficiency to the tee.

House red and house white wines are also perfectly quaffable but, as my companion waxed lyrical all the way home, it’s the cannolo that’ll bring you back again and again. Three of these Sicilian delights will set you back just £2.50.

Firezza, 22 – 25 Dean Street, London, W1D 3RY. Open Sunday to Thursday from 10am until 12 midnight; open Friday and Saturday 10am until 1am.

April 14, 2017
Charlie David – What’s on your mantelpiece?

A 20-question interview with director and producer Charlie David

The Steeple Times shares “wit and wisdom”. What’s your guiding force?

I have an uncanny knack for honing in on beautiful Brazilian men in a crowd. I’m mysteriously led to them like a dowsing stick to water.

“Don’t get even, get medieval” is, in our humble opinion, a great motto. What’s yours?

Be brave enough to be honest with everyone in your life.

Kerry Katona was considered unacceptable in 2007. Who or what is unacceptable in 2016?

Man buns.

Tony Blair misses being Prime Minister. What do you miss most in your life?

Playing the piano. I know, I know! Easy enough to fix. A little easier to get back in the saddle with than becoming the head of Her Majesty’s Government in the United Kingdom.

What might you swap all your wealth for?

One night of debauchery with Ricky Martin.

Donald Trump was once a case of: “If you owe the bank a thousand, they close you down; but if you owe the bank a billion, you own the bank”. What’s your view on the banking crisis?

Like travel, music, film, and other industries before it, the big banks now face the squeeze of existing in the age of the Internet. There are better places to invest than through traditional means and people are becoming savvy to that.

What phrase or word do you most loathe?

In television, network execs are very fond of using the words ‘buckets’ and ‘wheelhouse’ to describe the topics or areas of interest on their shopping list. It makes me gag a little.

Overheard at the markets this year: “Murder is huge. We want BIG characters and murder. Like if you have anything with a village of little people who come together as a community to sleuth out a serial killer who has been stalking them? That would definitely be in our wheelhouse”.

In the UK, some people consider charity to “begin at home”. What’s your view and what causes do you personally support?

Through trips to Tanzania, Kenya, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Botswana and South Africa I was able to see a lot of wildlife, humanitarian and environmental initiatives. I think these are important but somehow we’re still really missing the mark in terms of foreign aid.

I recently read Paul Theroux’s Dark Star Safari: Overland from Cairo to Cape Town and it was a bit shocking to me in its frank and pragmatic assessment of the impact of foreign aid and voluntourism. Definitely a very good read for anyone who has spent time in Africa or other parts of the world as a volunteer. It certainly caused me to pause and reflect a lot on the type of initiatives I lend my time and dollars to.

Now on the international front, I micro-lend through Kiva.org which to me seems a more pragmatic way forward than hand-outs. It supports entrepreneurs around the world who are unable to apply for a traditional bank loan. I think it fosters business skills, accountability and trust which are all great characteristics for a thriving community.

At home I like to contribute to educational, environmental and arts organizations and generally prefer to donate time/money directly to ones I’ve been involved in. That way I know the people; I can gage the impact and witness the ongoing results.

The judge in Law Abiding Citizen states: “I can pretty much do whatever I want” before being blown up whilst answering her mobile phone. What’s your view on the appropriate use of such devices?

They should be well and truly hidden whenever humans gather to break bread.

If you could fill a carriage on The Orient Express, who would be your fellow passengers?

Ricky Martin. Can we have one carriage to ourselves? Please? Honestly, I just think he’s talented and a total D.I.L.F. It’s likely just a passing fancy, not fanaticism.

If you were unfortunate enough to end up on death row, what would be your last meal and where would you eat it?

I’d ask for something I could share with the other inmates like a pizza party at the gym in the courtyard. I’d want it to be a block party, not a solo steak dinner.

What time is it acceptable to consume the first drink of the day?

If you’re in control of your use of alcohol and it’s not controlling you, then the hour of the clock is irrelevant.

A Negroni, a martini or a cup of tea?

A Negroni s’il vous plait.

Whose parties do you enjoy the most and why?

My nephews’ and nieces’. I love watching them go to work on a piñata.

Who is the most positive person you know?

My mother. She is pure joy and gratitude. I strive to embody that outlook.

What’s your most guilty pleasure?

Pizza and Netflix.

If a tattoo were to sum you up, what would it be of?

Ricky Martin eating a pizza and watching Netflix.

If you were a car, what marque would you be?

Honda – Reliable, frugal and pragmatic.

Cilla Black presented Surprise, Surprise. Tell us the most surprising thing about you.

I had a band as a teenager and opened for Destiny’s Child when Ferra was still part of the group.

What’s currently sitting on your mantelpiece?

Books, books, books. And a bobble-head doll of Ricky Martin.

Charlie David is a storyteller with film, books and web. He lives in Toronto and Montréal, Canada and is the founder of Border2Border Entertainment, Inc.

Follow him on Twitter at @CharlieDavid and view his channel on YouTube at @MrCharlieDavid.

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September 11, 2016
Pioneering pizza

Pioneer of pizza in Britain places £1.15 million Lancashire home on the market (more…)

July 26, 2015
Charlie Parsons: “What’s on your mantelpiece?”

The Steeple Times asks the renowned British television producer Charlie Parsons: “What’s on your mantelpiece?” (more…)

August 25, 2014
Far from a mainstay

A review of Princi in Soho

Alan Yau OBE is a restaurateur who opts to have bouncers outside his restaurants. On Tuesday evening in the company of two foodie friends, I had the misfortune as to learn why. (more…)

November 21, 2013
Amir Zada: “What’s on your mantelpiece?”

20 questions with financier Amir Zada

The Steeple Times shares “wit and wisdom”. What’s your guiding force?

Health, hard work, love and laughter.

“Don’t get even, get medieval” is, in our humble opinion, a great motto. What’s yours?

“Revenge is a waste of time, as is gloating”.

(more…)

September 18, 2013