Matthew Steeples suggests BBC Radio 4 has truly let itself down in having run out of episodes of ‘The Archers’ during the COVID-19 lockdown
Closet fans won’t admit it, but The Archers is an essential part of life for many in Britain and beyond. Be it tuning in for 15 minutes with a G&T before guests arrive for supper on a week night or splurging with the omnibus edition on a Sunday whilst preparing a hearty roast, this is a radio show that in April even had one of its many fan clubs “invaded by Nazis and pornography.”
Whilst it is understandable for the makers of television soaps – programmes that, after all, require all manner of social interaction in their creation – to have run out of episodes, one would have thought that the producers of The Archers would have had a plan to see themselves through a crisis.
Sadly, they didn’t and from the 3rd to 24th May no new episodes of the world’s longest running drama are being broadcast. Whilst the BBC think it perfectly acceptable to play reruns, many ‘Archers Addicts’ (myself included) have been left despondent and feeling like ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.’ After all, where’s Peggy Woolley and her wartime spirit when we most require this soapland matriarch?
‘The Steeple Times’ suggests that in the wake of the latest drivel she spouted in ‘The Sun on Sunday’ well-known washed-up wench and all-round “nasty piece of work” Karren Brady belongs in the funny farm
Aside from illustrating her rank on the Mensa roster in revealing something nobody else on the entire planet knew in stating: “What a month it’s been for Boris Johnson,” Lady Brady also announced: “I am as keen as the next person to regain my freedom.” She then, pass the sick bucket urgently please, added: “At present, in fact, I am mainly wearing pyjamas all day as well as in bed.” As constellation, at a time when we are all coping with the COVID-19 lockdown, one can at least be thankful that she didn’t go further and follow Baroness Mone and go on about her bra choices or dip into the territory of Ferne McCann and try and flog some soiled knickers.
Disgracefully ennobled by David Cameron for utterly no good reason, “muckspreader” Lady Brady (AKA ‘Baroness Bozo’ and #LazyBrady) went on to show how out of touch she is with the ordinary populous. In a segment ever-so enthusiastically titled: “PREGNANT PAUSE FOR A NATION” (in caps for extra-special emphasis), this dimwitted oddity bizarrely offered “huge congratulations” to an American model of Dutch-Palestinian descent named Gigi Hadid and an English singer of Pakistani-Irish descent named Zayn Malik. We’re no doubt lightyears away from fathoming the reasoning as to why the ever-so-vital “pregnant pause” and the ever-so “huge congratulations” are especially required for Hadid and Malik, but, hey ho, we are dealing with Karren Brady – Lord Sugar’s token bit of sideline smut from the graveyard for self-declared “genuine celebrities” that is The Apprentice.
Aside from not explaining exactly which “nation” exactly she was referencing (she probably doesn’t actually know what a nation is herself, poor love), former “dildo merchant” turned “faithful companion of Jesus” Lady Brady helpfully then declared: “They are expecting a baby… which just proves that life goes on. What a beautiful baby they will have. It’s great to have some good news amid the gloom.” Let’s all join her and praise the Lord.
Of this wannabe prophet, one reader previously observed: “All business transactions associated with Lady Brady end in Richard Branson-esque failure” and now we’ll go further: “All falling for the supposed wise words of the pyjama-clad Lady Brady henceforth may find themselves joining her in the funny farm.” It is now time to lock this hapless harridan in a padded cell and throw away the key.
Sunday evening acid-throwing Arthur Collins’ ex-partner Ferne McCann attempts to flog used knickers and bras online whilst posing with their brat, a girl named Sunday
Brentwood born Ferne McCann’s “baby daddy” Arthur Collins caused life-changing injuries to 22 innocent people after arriving at the Mangle E8 nightclub in Dalston, London during a night out on Sunday 16th April 2017. Stoked up and out of control, this “verminous cretin” hurled acid at clubbers at around 1.45am and then went on the run. This sub-human specimen, whose previous convictions numbered assault and possession of cocaine, deservedly got 20 years in jail, yet many continue to argue that that sentence was far too lenient.
Meanwhile, in the months that followed, McCann proceeded – without a moment’s consideration for Collins’ victims – to name their child, you’d never believe it, ‘Sunday.’ She supposedly spoke with her incarcerated ex-scaffolder lover via a phone illegally delivered to his prison cell and liked photographs on Instagram calling for this turd-like criminal’s release even.
Ferne McCann posing with her since convicted criminal lover Arthur Collins in Dubai.
Offered at prices as low as £8 for a black bikini top with “a few crystals missing,” McCann plainly is a woman who’ll attempt to sell not only her soiled goods: This self-declared “very well-known celebrity” lost an application relating to a “range of toilet preparations” in June 2019. She was ordered to pay £2,400 in costs to a firm named CP Management and now we’re left wondering: “What’ll she get thong next?”
Pictured top: Ferne McCann and her child, Sunday. On Depop.com this money grabbing wench sold the blue dress pictured for £40. She’s unsurprisingly not had as much luck in attempting to hawk her second-hand undergarments.
A classic ‘rags to riches’ tale is that of Penny Streeter. Born in what was then Rhodesia, this police superintendent’s daughter came to England when she was 12 and worked on Margaret Thatcher’s Youth Training Scheme and in Pizzaland at the age of 16. She went into business with her mother at 22, went bust and after ending up living in a homeless refuge with her children, worked her way back and launched what has become A24 Group, a healthcare recruitment agency in 1995. By 2002, this hard-working woman’s company was the “fastest-growing company in the UK” and in 2019, she was listed as being worth £208 million in The Sunday Times ‘Rich List.’ Streeter and her husband now own a vineyard in South Africa and a winery in Horsham, West Sussex. We say: Cheers to her!
Manhattan mansion listed for 77% less than in 2014 as part of a “bankruptcy sale;” it is situated on a street featured in Billy Joel’s ‘Close to the Borderline’ that was once termed: “Bloody, Bloody Beekman Place: Where the Wealthy Wind Up Dead”
On 10th April 1936, Good Friday, a writer named Nancy Titterton was found dead in her bathtub at the home she shared with her husband at 22 Beekman Place in Manhattan. She had been raped and strangled by an upholsterer’s assistant, John Fiorenza, who had ironically repaired a loveseat for the couple. The case of the ‘Beauty in the Bathtub’ ended with Fiorenza’s conviction and execution at Sing Sing on 22nd January 1937, but for Beekman Place this was not the first nor last murder.
Aside from the killing of Dr Fritz Gebhardt, an industrialist and associate of Hermann Göring, by his lover Vera Stretz in a hotel in the street on 12th November 1935, on 4th January 2015, a Princeton graduate named Tommy Gilbert, Jr. shot his financier father in the head at his apartment at 20 Beekman Place. Prior to committing the murder, after a row about his monthly allowance, the 30-year old had sent his mother out to buy him a can of Coca Cola and a sandwich. As a result of these series of slayings, in January 2015, the Daily Beast ran an article about the street with the headline: “Bloody, Bloody Beekman Place: Where the Wealthy Wind Up Dead.”
The naked body of 33-year-old Nancy Titterton was discovered in her bathtub at 22 Beekman Place on 10th April 1936; “Pampered Ivy-leaguer” Tommy Gilbert, Jr. was sentenced to 30 years to life in jail in September 2019 for murdering his father, Thomas Gilbert, Sr. in his apartment at 20 Beekman Place in January 2015.Owners of 29 Beekman Place – Mary Lasker, William S. Paley and Princess Ashraf Pahlavi.
Now, for altogether different reasons, the street – whose more ‘happy’ residents have included variously not just the Second Lady of the United States, Happy Rockefeller, but also Prince Aly Khan and A&P supermarket heir Huntington Hartford – Beekman Place is making headlines once again.
Whilst the asking prices of properties are often reduced, the case of 22 Beekman Place is an extreme one. Built in 1934 for William S. Paley, the man who “turned CBS from a small radio network into the foremost radio and television network in the United States,” and owned subsequently by a philanthropist and then the twin sister of the Shah of Iran, the house was placed for sale for the plainly extremely over-ambitious sum of £40.2 million in February 2014.
In the period since, the nine floor, 12,260 square foot “trophy mansion| has yo-yoed on and off the market and now after being listed as a “BANKRUPTCY SALE!! Excellent Value – Price Reduced to Sell!!” has just reappeared for ‘just’ £9.2 million.
Described by Curbed New York as having “truly lovely architectural details” and an oval-shaped dining room that has been frequented by “heads of states and foreign dignitaries from all over the world,” the red brick and limestone property has 10 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms. Additionally, it includes 1,500 square foot of outdoor space in the form of two private terraces, a chef’s kitchen, a wine cellar, a lift and a banquet hall.
Agents Compass laud 29 Beekman Place as being “designed with grand scale entertaining in mind” and suggest it “appropriate for a private mansion, live/work, a foundation, or an ideal consulate or diplomat residence.” They add: “Do not miss this opportunity to purchase a piece of New York history,” (but unsurprisingly don’t mention any of the infamous murders in the neighbouring buildings).
The Names & Numbers – 29 Beekman Place, Midtown East, Manhattan, New York, NY 10022, United States of America
April 2020 – Relisted for £9.22 million ($11.45 million, €10.58 million or درهم42.05 million) through Compass as a “bankruptcy sale.”
September 2019 – Relisted for £11.7 million ($14.5 million, €13.4 million or درهم53.3 million) through Compass.
October 2017 – Relisted for £22.5 million ($28 million, €25.9 million or درهم102.8 million) through Sotheby’s International Realty.
January 2016 – Relisted for £27.4 million ($34 million, €31.4 million or درهم124.9 million).
May 2015 – Relisted for £30.2 million ($37.5 million, €34.7 million or درهم137.7 million) through Douglas Elliman.
February 2014 – Listed for £40.2 million ($49.9 million, €46.2 million or درهم183.3 million) through Brown Harris Stevens.
Mid 1970s – Sold to Princess Ashraf Pahlavi (1919 – 2016), the twin sister of the Shah of Iran.
1940s – After Mr and Mrs Paley divorced, the house was first rented to and then bought by the philanthropist Mary Woodward Lasker (1900 – 1994). She lived there with her second husband, advertising executive Albert Lasker (1940 – 1952), and remained there after his death until circa 1975.
1934 – Built for the “notorious womaniser” and first CEO of Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS), William S. Paley (1901 – 1990) and his first wife Dorothy Hart Hearst (ex-wife of John Randolph Hearst).
Ruined Moroccan fortress fit for the most lavish of bashes for sale for £5.3 million; it may be “spectacular” but it most certainly doesn’t have Wi-Fi
Billionaires like Morocco. The late Malcolm Forbes (1919 – 1990) lavished the equivalent of £4.1 million today ($5.1 million, €4.7 million or درهم18.7 million today) holding his 70th birthday at his property, Palais Mendoub, there in 1989. Guests – many of whom arrived by Concorde even – numbered Gianni Agnelli, Mario Buatta, Betsy Bloomingdale, King Constantine of Greece, Walter Cronkite, Diane von Furstenberg, Sir James Goldsmith, Calvin Klein, Dr Henry Kissinger, John and Patricia Kluge, Robert and Dr Betty Maxwell, Lucky Roosevelt, Elizabeth Taylor and Barbara Walters and boy did the food and drink flow. Of the fat bash, the New York Social Diary gushed: “It was a party festooning in ballyhoo, in glitter and glamour and illusion, comparable to Truman Capote’s Black and White Ball twenty-three years before in New York.”
Gone are the days of lavish bashes on the scale given by Malcolm Forbes (and gone are all those pictured) – Malcolm Forbes with his ‘date’ Elizabeth Taylor and the since exposed for what he truly was ‘media monster’ (and father of the equally repugnant paedophile procurer Ghislaine Maxwell), ‘Bouncing Bob’ Robert Maxwell and his long-suffering wife Dr Betty Maxwell.The Concorde used to transport guests to Tangier has also passed on – a technological step backwards if ever there was.
Now, someone looking to throw an equivalently extravagant party once lockdown is over (and once they’ve lavished a small fortune renovating it) in Morocco, could acquire a 32,292 square foot space in what agents Kensington Properties call a “high up… striking position overlooking the River Nfis.”
Going further of the £5.3 million ($6.5 million, €6 million or درهم23.8 million) fortress, they add of Kasbah Tagountaft: “[It] is considered one of the most memorable sites of historical significance in Morocco” and was “once the home of the powerful Caid of the Goundafa tribe who vied for control of the Atlas Mountains at the end of the 19th century.”
Whilst little else is described in the marketing material for this “absolutely stunning property, full of potential,” one thing’s for sure: Anyone with a requirement for working Wi-Fi when they arrive on site, need not apply.
Duplex penthouse in The Ritz-Carlton New York Central Park for sale for £39.7 million or a sum 48% lower than in 2012; it’s currently home to an Argentine tango dancer whom moonlights as a financier and has a ‘ballroom’ in a colour scheme that would make Katie Price blush
Built in 1930 to 1931 to the designs of the Hungarian-Jewish architect Emery Roth (1871 – 1948), 50 Central Park South – a building formerly known as the St. Moritz Hotel – has been variously owned by Harry Helmsley, Donald Trump, Alan Bond and Ian Schrager. In 2002, as part of a remodelling, the building reopened as The Ritz Carlton New York, Central Park and now one of the ten apartments that subsequently were created in the upper part of the building is again for sale.
Occupying the 34th and 35th floors, a “horseshoe-shaped” unit described as ‘Penthouse 34/35’ totals 6,405 square foot including roof terraces. It was first configured as a 4 bedroom and 4.5-bathroom unit, but was reconfigured after being purchased by the Harvard educated founder of Gamechange Solar and CEO of Barron Group Holdings, Andrew Barron Worden, in 2006 into a 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathroom property with a 40-foot long ‘great room’ that has been used for “very, very frequent entertaining” and a 49-foot ‘solarium’ above.
Andrew Barron Worden and the exterior of The Ritz-Carlton New York Central Park, 50 Central Park South at the south-east corner of Sixth Avenue, Midtown West, New York, NY 10019.The main reception room of Mr. Worden’s apartment is lauded as a “grand ballroom” and measures 42” in length and 24’7” in width. If it were a person it’d be a “cross between Katie Price and Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen” and is adjoined by a library.Guests at parties in the space are said to have included Russell Simmons – the businessman and music executive now in exile in Bali (after being accused of multiple sexual assaults).
Worden, described as “a ballroom dancer – Argentine tango, to be precise” in an article in The New York Times in August 2012, supposedly spent £5.7 million transforming the space and then tried to sell it for the very ambitious sum of £77 million that year. He did not succeed and again placed it on the market for £39.7 million last August.
Other owners of the ‘residences’ at 50 Central Park South have variously included the hedge fund tycoon Scott Bommer, the financier Howard Marks and the casino mogul Steve Wynn.
Agents Christie’s International Real Estate are currently marketing the “fully soundproofed” penthouse and describe it as an “heirloom unit” that could be “easily converted back as per the approved architectural plans.”
The Numbers – Penthouse 34/35, The Ritz-Carlton Residences, 50 Central Park South, New York, NY 10019, United States of America
August 2012 – Listed for sale for £77 million ($95 million, €88.1 million or درهم349 million) by Dianne Weston of Halstead Property. At the time, she claimed the owner “understands the metrics of the market.”
“Late 2000s” – Supposedly underwent a “renovation” costing £5.7 million ($7 million, €6.5 million or درهم25.7 million). Of this, The New York Times remarked: “[The apartment was subject to a] complete renovation, designed by the architectural firm Gustavson/Dundes, which gave the space a very contemporary look, including a sleek steel and glass staircase with treads that can be lighted from below.”
2006 – Sold to Andrew Barron Worden for £16.2 million ($19.95 million, €18.5 million or درهم73.4 million).
The dining room is said to have “magnificent views.”There is a chef’s kitchen also.The 35th floor ‘solarium’ leads onto a vast 700-square-foot terrace beyond.A view of the ‘residences’ at 50 Central Park South from Central Park.The floor plan “as is.”The floor plan of the 34th floor “as could be.”
Matthew Steeples highlights three things that are keeping him going through coronavirus lockdown living (aside from not running out of gin)
Having found myself ensconced in East Anglia for five weeks now –never did I imagine myself staying in a rural place so long – and having not actually got into a car or visited a town in that period, I busy my days reading, writing and walking a bit. It’s been especially strange not to physically see friends and I can’t say I’ve fathomed ‘House Party,’ but my telephone device has certainly seen more Bob Hoskins-esque “It’s Good To Talk” action than ever before.
Whilst most people will tell you Netflix has been their best source of entertainment during this period and I will most certainly join them in commending ‘binge watching’ Ozark, I’ve found time to do things that I’ve always put-off such as clear out my iPhone’s address book and chuck out paperwork I’m never going to actually get round to dealing with. It’s been a time to read and reflect and an opportunity to listen to music a little more often and here follows a few other ‘lockdown discoveries’ of mine that you might find useful:
Harvey Nichols
Nobody would imagine that Patsy and Edina’s favourite shop, Harvey Nichols, would be the bargain food and drink store of the lockdown, but given they don’t charge for next-day delivery wherever you are in the UK and there’s no minimum spend, here is an unbeatable service. Unlike some greedy online booze retailers (some of whom have actually increased their prices and introduced preposterously high delivery charges to coincide with us all being stuck at home), you can get a bottle of the heather-hinted, 43% ABV Edinburgh Gin for just £32, a jar of highly addictive ginger and chilli jam for £3.95 or an utterly delicious asparagus and shrimp risotto that feeds two for just £5.95. Add half a glass of white wine and Bob’s Your Uncle and Fanny’s Your Aunt.
Podcasts and Radio Plays
I’ve become addicted to true crime podcasts such as Murder Mile (in spite of the most recent one I listened to being about the appalling murder of my late friend Robert Troyan in Mount Street Mayfair in 2013) in the last weeks. An especially gritty and somewhat grim example is The Clearing, an eight-episode serialisation based on the crimes of the American serial killer Ed Edwards (AKA ‘Wayne’ Edwards) that has been lauded by the Guardian as “an immense achievement.”
Equally gripping, if you haven’t heard it already (I’m listening to it for a second time), is BBC Radio 4’s rerun of GF Newman’s The Corrupted. Featuring a fictional dodgy MP interacting with real political figures from the past including Margaret Thatcher and Douglas Hurd, here is something for political geeks to get their teeth into before the ‘B-word’ again raises its ugly head once coronavirus fades into the background.
‘The Quiz’ on Facebook
Some of us were already playing before orders to stay indoors arrived, but the ‘Quiz Planet’ app on Facebook has proved a charming way to interact with friends from near and afar. Some of the questions do border on the inane and others have induced a Major Charles Ingram-esque cough on my part, but if you want to while away the hours, do sign up and if you want someone to thrash, try challenging me.
And Then… What’s Next?
Most of all, of course, what will really keep you going through all this is this: A day will soon come when you’ll again be eating, drinking and being merry with your nearest and dearest at your very favourite establishment. Whether you fancy fish and chips or a bottle of Chablis (or both), it’ll come and it’ll come not a moment too soon.
For now, do heed the words of the late Mr Hoskins: “What men call chatter, really does matter. It’s about being a friend. Having the time to listen. It’s what makes the world goes round.” Call a friend or, if you’re not a technophobe like me, ‘give’ them a Zoom.
A promoter of “causes many of us now take for granted,” Catford born campaigner and humanist activist Barbara Smoker believed in surviving “on her wits” and “making an extra bit on the horses.” She once “embark[ed] on a crusade around the neighbourhood, telling all the kids that there was no Santa Claus… [so that she could prove to them] they were being made fools of, and I was only saving them from this indignity” and amongst her many other pronouncements was to announce that “an eternity in heaven – that would be hell.” Pro-alphabet reformist Smoker also claimed to have manufactured the first ‘Make Love, Not War’ badges and in 2013 gave the following advice in The Oldie: “Don’t always be obedient. Obedience is overrated. You’ve got to work out your morality for yourself, not do everything you’re told. Obedience can be more of a vice than a virtue.” Amongst her written works were My Godforsaken Life and Good God! A String of Verses to Tie Up the Deity.
As out of his skull Michael Barrymore yet again makes an utter prat of himself on Instagram, we remind him to stop “destroying” games and instead help get justice for Stuart Lubbock, the man murdered in his very own swimming pool
In yet another self-indulgent image shared on Instagram on Tuesday, disgraced entertainer Michael Barrymore once again showed he cares more about fame than those suffering with coronavirus.
Known for rolling around on the floor off his skull with the equally pissed-up, convicted racist bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben, Barrymore (born Michael Parker) appeared slumped on the edge of table with a ‘Strike It Lucky’ gameboard. Snapped grinning like the cat that had had too much cream (or boozy sauce in his case), the picture was captioned: “I destroyed the set.”
Michael Barrymore has been pictured inebriated on numerous occasions; his best-known incident was in the company of the especially unctuous helmet haired horror Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben – a vile specimen who was convicted of racially aggravated assault and obstructing a police officer in February 2014.
