The Steeple Times

Tag: Her Majesty The Queen

  • Brenda’s Brew

    Brenda’s Brew

    Her Majesty The Queen launches two home brewed beers just as it is announced that drinkers have drunk stocks nigh on dry in the wake of ‘unlockdown’

    This morning, just as BBC Radio 4’s Today programme announced that pubs are literally “scraping the barrel” in desperation to find beer given customers have gone wild since lockdown restrictions were eased, The Sun revealed that “Her Majesty has moved into home brewing with two new bitters” made with crops grown at her Sandringham Estate.

     

    Said like her late mother to be “partial to a gin and Dubonnet” according to her former chef Darren McGrady, the Queen’s 5% ABV Golden IPA and 4.3% ABV Sandringham Best Bitter are being sold at a punchy price of £3.99 per bottle, but have already attracted plaudits galore.

     

    According to the paper, one unnamed fan remarked:

     

    “To drink beers that the Queen’s had a hand in is the stuff of legend.”

     

    “I can just imagine her supping the first pints and giving her royal thoughts on the taste. Unlike most of the home brews I’ve tried, these are actually really tasty.”

     

    “I’m sure Prince Philip would be very proud that the estate is producing these ales as I know he was a fan of a good real ale.”

     

    “Good on Queenie. She always knows what the country needs – and this summer, more than ever, it’s a beer.”

     

    Sadly, however, you’ll only currently be able to buy the beers – which are made “using organic Laureate spring barley and spring water from a nearby borehole” – if you head to the estate shop on the Sandringham Estate.

     

    The current monarch is surprisingly not alone in lauding the benefits of beer. In February 2015, we reported that Queen Victoria once remarked: “Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them.”

     

     

    Brenda’s Brew – Her Majesty The Queen launches two beers – Her Majesty The Queen launches two home brewed bitters just as it is announced that drinkers have drunk stocks nigh on dry in the wake of ‘unlockdown’ – 4.3% Sandrigham Best Bitter and the 5% Sandringham Golden IPA pale ale been produced by Barsham Brewery, Fakenham, Norfolk for the Sandringham Estate, Norfolk, PE35 6EN – Priced at £3.99 per bottle.
    Brenda’s Brew – The Queen is known for having a liking for champagne, wine and gin and Dubonnet, but now she can join the masses and indulge in her very own beers.
  • Farting Fergie

    Farting Fergie

    Sarah Ferguson gets overexcited over a farting book, but still hasn’t declared if she’s repaid a loan from paedo Jeffrey Epstein

    Somewhat simple Sarah Ferguson – a wack job who still hasn’t declared whether she ever repaid money she took as a loan from the croaked paedophile Jeffrey Epstein – took to YouTube this week to read a “scratch and sniff unicorn fart book.”

     

    Whilst well-known as a lover of having her tepid toes sucked in the past, Pizza Express (Woking branch) loving ‘Randy Andy’s’ live-in ex-wife enthusiasm for a book about “emitting wind from the anus” was subsequently described as her showing she’s “ever the working girl” according to the MailOnline’s Claire Toureille.  

     

    Fergie’s farts, however, have yet to gain gas and go viral. In spite of a further article by Craig Brown in the Daily Mail which asked if the fruitcake known as the former Meghan Markle would be doing a follow-up fart “30 years from now,” just 835 people have actually bothered to watch this one-time royal bang on about flatulence.

     

    Famous Farts

    Roald Dahl, The BFG

    “A whizzpopper!” cried the BFG, beaming at her. “Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?”

     

    Ernest Hemmingway, 88 Poems

    “Home is where the heart is, home is where the fart is.

    Come let us fart in the home.

    There is no art in a fart.

    Still a fart may not be artless.

    Let us fart and artless fart in the home.”

     

    Robert Rinder

    “I can smell a liar like a fart in a lift!”

     

    Farting Fergie – What will Her Majesty The Queen make of Sarah, Duchess of York’s decision to share stories with the world via YouTube about farting?
    Farting Fergie – Sarah Ferguson reads a book about farting on YouTube – Sarah Ferguson gets overexcited over a farting book, but still hasn’t declared if she’s repaid a loan from paedo Jeffrey Epstein.
    Farting Fergie – In February 2018, the ‘Mirror’ reported that: “The Queen once got accused of farting loudly and trying to blame it on the horses.” They remarked: “The Queen is probably one of the last people on earth you can imagine farting in public. Not only would it be mortifying to accidentally let rip while meeting her subjects, the whole world would soon get to know about it.”
    Farting Fergie – Sarah Ferguson reads a book about farting on YouTube – Sarah Ferguson gets overexcited over a farting book, but still hasn’t declared if she’s repaid a loan from paedo Jeffrey Epstein.
    Farting Fergie – ‘Fergie’s’ non-sweating ex-husband Prince Andrew was widely mocked after claiming to distinctly remember a visit to Pizza Express in Woking on the day he allegedly had sex with the then teenage Virginia Roberts, now Giuffre, in 2001. During his juggernaut crashworthy interview with Emily Maitlis in November 2019, he remarked: “I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a Pizza Express in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there.” Whether he actually attended has since been disputed and whether he actually consumed pizza and whether it caused him to fart remains still unknown.
    Farting Fergie – Sarah Ferguson reads a book about farting on YouTube – Sarah Ferguson gets overexcited over a farting book, but still hasn’t declared if she’s repaid a loan from paedo Jeffrey Epstein.
    Farting Fergie – On Thursday 20th August 1992, the ‘Daily Mirror’ shared what they called “the pictures they didn’t want you to see.” In them, a topless Duchess of York was shown having her toes sucked in the South of France by a Texan millionaire named John Bryan. Of the incident, the ‘Mirror’ later reported: “Royal writer Richard Kay claimed in the ‘Daily Mail’ that he received a message via pager from Princess Diana the night before the photos hit the newspaper stands. Diana’s message was simple: ‘The redhead’s in trouble.’”
    Farting Fergie – Sarah Ferguson reads a book about farting on YouTube – Sarah Ferguson gets overexcited over a farting book, but still hasn’t declared if she’s repaid a loan from paedo Jeffrey Epstein.
    Farting Fergie – Sarah, Duchess of York pictured with the since incarcerated Ghislaine Maxwell at an opening party at Asprey in 2003. It remains unknown as to whether ‘Fergie’ ever repaid a loan from the mucky madam’s now croaked boss Jeffrey Epstein, but this week a New York court threw out mendacious Maxwell’s bid to keep her 2016 testimony about sex toys sealed.
  • Happy Christmas 2018

    Happy Christmas 2018

    ‘The Steeple Times’ wishes readers a very merry Christmas and hopes for better times in 2019

     

    Without doubt, 2018 has been what Her Majesty The Queen would have called an “annus horribilis.” Aside from the shitshow that has been Theresa May’s disastrous Brexit negotiations, greats like Jim Bowen, Aretha Franklin and Baroness Trumpington died and our beloved and once Great Britain seems to have sunk into an angry abyss.

     

    Today, as families across the land come together to celebrate Christmas, all at The Steeple Times wish our readers happiness galore. We wish we could be more positive about our hopes for the future but sadly, in these times uncertain, nobody really knows what will come next.

     

    Please, dear readers, have a wonderful day today and please be sure to pray for better times in the coming months.

     

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  • Mountbatten’s Ghost

    Mountbatten’s Ghost

    1924 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost originally owned by Lord Mountbatten to be auctioned; it came back into his possession just months before he was assassinated in 1979 (more…)

  • Don’t pass Wandsworth

    Don’t pass Wandsworth

    Is it not wrong that paedophile Rolf Harris received special treatment as he began his prison sentence?

     

    Rolf Harris is a convicted paedophile with a difference. Unlike others sentenced for 12 counts of indecent assault, this millionaire prisoner avoided the usual humiliation of being sent to one of Britain’s toughest prisons, Her Majesty’s Prison Wandsworth. This special treatment is, in our view, disgraceful. (more…)

  • Rolf Harris: The Steeple Times has been vindicated

    Rolf Harris: The Steeple Times has been vindicated

    Rolf Harris convicted

     

    We were amongst the first to name Rolf Harris as a paedophile and with today’s unanimous verdict that found him guilty on all counts, we celebrate his conviction.

     

    Rolf Harris with his portrait of the Queen
    Rolf Harris with his portrait of the Queen

    This revolting individual destroyed the lives of his victims whilst shamelessly courting the likes of Her Majesty the Queen. The fact that – like Prince Charles with Jimmy Savile – such people failed to have advisors around them to tell them that such people were monsters is what is entirely wrong. Shame on the lot of them: It is time that the British elite manned up.

     

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  • Masters of Masterpiece

    Masters of Masterpiece

    The Steeple Times chooses six of the best items on display at Masterpiece 2014

     

    Thursday marks the official opening of the fifth annual Masterpiece art and antiques fair featuring over 150 leading galleries from across the world. To accompany today’s preview, The Steeple Times asked six of the exhibitors to choose their highlight from their stands (more…)

  • Zédel’s crowning glory

    Zédel’s crowning glory

    Wear a crown to Brasserie Zédel on the 6th January and get a free meal on the house

     

    Both most worthily awarded OBE’s in the New Year Honours List, Chris Corbin and Jeremy King would appear towards the top of any list of the best restaurateurs in London. Always innovative and true trendsetters, with their latest promotion at Brasserie Zédel, this fine duo have come up with another clever marketing idea. (more…)

  • The tackiest film of 2013

    The tackiest film of 2013

    ‘Diana’ looks set to take the title of “Clanger of the Year”

     

    Films based on the lives of the royal family rarely work. The trailer of the latest, Diana, starring Naomi Watts proves this point perfectly. (more…)

  • One careful lady owner

    One careful lady owner

    Daimler previously owned and driven by The Queen goes to auction

     

    The phrase “one careful lady owner” is indeed often very liberally used. A favourite of the Arthur Daley school of car dealer, it generally actually means that the vehicle concerned is a bit of a dog. With the forthcoming auction of a Daimler owned and driven by Her Majesty The Queen, we’ve most definitely found an exception. (more…)