This week we must thank Dan Large for having alerted us to an amazing YouTube video showing Her Majesty The Queen’s life in 3 minutes and 24 seconds.
Elizabeth II
Created by “an old retired guy who likes to play with computers” named “HerBunk” and using the technological wizardy of FantaMorph, the video has attracted nearly 6,000 likes and 300 dislikes. We look forward to hearing what readers of The Steeple Times make of it.
Watch the video at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8nJhG1xE5o&feature=share
Yesterday, I found myself listening to a self-proclaimed “writer, broadcaster and entertainer” named Pam Ayres on BBC Radio 4.
Pam Ayres
An example of her style numbers:
“I am sittin’ on the sofa. By the fire and stayin’ in. Me head is free of comfort. And me nose is free of skin. Me friends have run for cover, They have left me pale and sick. With me pockets full of tissues. And me nostrils full of Vick.”
I recall having first encountered the supposed “humour “of Ms Ayres, whom the Daily Telegraph once described as “the doyenne of doggerel,” at a dinner hosted by The Lady Taverners at The Savoy some years ago. As Ayres droned on, an American lady at my table tapped me on the shoulder and said: “What the hell is this strange woman on about?” Having never heard of this “poet,” I shrugged and simply responded: “I haven’t got a clue.” When, in desperation, it was suggested we vacate to the bar, I embraced the idea with gusto. Sat there with an extremely strong martini, I felt well again.
That, I assumed, would be the last my poor ears heard from Ayres but sadly it was not to be. Radio 4, which I listen to throughout the day, have chosen to give her airtime and yesterday, when she came on, the first comment from my friend Charles was: “Oh God, not her, she terrified me even when I was a kid.” The unwelcome ghostly voice of an evening past had returned to my life.
Having had my fill, I thought I’d share my thoughts with my Twitter followers and posted the following:
“I have to say @PamAyres is quite possibly the most tedious person on @BBCRadio4. Her attempt at “humour” is cringeworthy and annoying.”
Within minutes, I’d been bombarded with hatemail from furious fans of Ayres. Most curiously amongst them were missives from the former game show panelist Annabel Giles (@Annabel_Giles) and “Britain’s premiere [sic] Nazi hunter” Alan Stoob (@nazihunteralan). Plainly Ayres is “much loved” in all manner of circles.
Later, a poem came from the woman herself. It reads as follows:
This geezer Matthew Steeples (May he rot in K & C)
Has posted on his twitterfeed a photograph of me
And with my blameless heifers he has held us up to shame,
I may heal in time. The cows will NEVER be the same.
“Blummin’ ‘ell:” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Never could I have imagined that I’d find myself immortalised in a poem by Pam Ayres.
Learn more about Pam Ayres at: http://www.pamayres.com or follow her on Twitter:http://www.twitter.com/ayrespamShe might even pen a verse in your honour if you’re, erm, lucky.
The Steeple Times asks the right-wing businessman and owner of Maunsel House and Woodlands Castle, Sir Benjamin Slade: “What’s on your mantelpiece?”
The Steeple Times shares “wit and wisdom.” What’s your guiding force?
Money, power, sex, success, land, trees, books and fine wine.
“Don’t get even, get medieval” is, in our humble opinion, a great motto. What’s yours?
“If it f**ks, floats or flies: Rent it, don’t buy it and don’t marry it!”
Kerry Katona was considered unacceptable in 2007. Who or what is unacceptable in 2012?
David Cameron and Sir Mervyn King.
Tony Blair misses being Prime Minister. What do you miss most in your life?
Being in London full-time.
What might you swap all your wealth for?
Good health and two healthy sons.
Donald Trump was once a case of: “If you owe the bank a thousand, they close you down; but if you owe the bank a billion, you own the bank.” What’s your view on the banking crisis?
It’s like putting bartenders on commission and allowing them to give credit to alcoholics who die and go bankrupt.
In the UK, some people consider charity to “begin at home.” What’s your view and what causes do you personally support?
UKIP and Help for Heroes.
The judge in “Law Abiding Citizen” states: “I can pretty do whatever I want” before being blown up whilst answering her mobile phone. What’s your view on the appropriate use of such devices?
They are useful for ringing up if late, doing deals and arranging dinners with girls.
If you could fill a carriage on The Orient Express, who would be your fellow passengers?
Warren Buffett, Bobby Faber, Philip Gibbs, Bettany Hughes, Brian Kingham, Lady Kitchener-Fellowes, Francis Fulford, Robert Lyle, Sir John Madejski, David Ord, General Sir Michael Rose, Roger Seelig, Alexander Stockton, Jonathan Sumption PC, Norman Tebbit, Lord Westbury, the Duke of Westminster and Mrs William Worsley. Adrian de Ferranti can sit in the luggage car and serve wine.
Sir Benjamin Slade Bt.
If you were unfortunate enough to end up on death row, what would be your last meal and where would you eat it?
It’d have to be at La Tour d’Argent in Paris.
What time is it acceptable to consume the first drink of the day?
1pm and 6pm.
A Negroni, a martini or a cup of tea?
Green tea.
Whose parties do you enjoy the most and why?
Sotheby’s and Christie’s and those hosted by Liz Floyd and Philip Gibbs.
Who is the most positive person you know?
My friend Bobby Faber.
What’s your most guilty pleasure?
Drinking claret at £100 per bottle.
If a tattoo were to sum you up, what would it be of?
A big castle with lots of walnut trees, good books and bottles of wine. And girls’ hips.
If you were a car, what marque would you be?
A Ford Fiesta.
Cilla Black presented “Surprise, Surprise.” Tell us the most surprising thing about you.
I’m self-made, have a great knowledge of history and am a seriously good doctor with over 120 patients. And, you’ll be surprised to learn that I was a spy in the Middle East for Britain.
What’s currently sitting on your mantelpiece?
Tankards, invites, various Mouser and Walther pistols, cows horns, Roman artifacts, decanters, pewter cups, silver, an 18th century bottle of port and a Russian machine gun.
Maunsel House, North Newton, Near Taunton, Somerset, TA7 0BU. Telephone: +44 (0) 1278 661076. Website:http://www.maunselhouse.co.uk
The Chief Whip erases mention of Jimmy Savile from his website
Yesterday, segments of the media shared an image of a poster taken from the website of the new Chief Whip of the House of Commons, Sir George Young.
The Right Honourable Sir George Young Bt, CH, MP (born 1941)A 1982 British Rail advert featuring Sir George Young and his family and Sir Jimmy Savile
The text on the website read as follows:
The Youngs promote cycling by rail
On 1982, along with Jimmy Saville [sic], the Youngs featured on a British Rail poster promoting the transport of bicycles by rail.
Sir George had made a critical speech in the House, having found British Rail restrictive and at times unhelpful to cyclists.
Putting his bicycle in the guards van felt like invading someone’s private space. When they responded with some improvements, BR invited Sir George to help with their publicity.
(Some of these posters were still up at stations in Ealing during the 1983 General Election campaign. Ingeniously, Sir George’s opponents argued that British Rail’s publicity programme should be added to Sir George’s election expenses. They didn’t get very far, as Sir George’s name was not on the poster.)
The text about the advert featuring Sir George Young and Sir Jimmy Savile was shown alongside the advertisement on http://www.sirgeorgeyoung.org.uk/pages/biog3.htm (removed 20th October)The updated page on the 21st October 2012 minus the advertisement and reference to Savile
Sir George, who takes over from Andrew Mitchell, isn’t typical of David Cameron’s PR obsessed colleagues but plainly one of them has been at work. This morning it’s gone.
“The Bicycling Baronet,” like many others, may no longer wish to be associated with the vile paedophile Jimmy Savile but here we preserve it for posterity.
Visit The Rt. Hon. Sir George Young Bt MP’s now amended website at: http://www.sirgeorgeyoung.org.uk
On the 28th September 1996, Frankie Dettori, at odds of 20,095-1 rode seven winners on seven horses in the seven races of the day at Ascot. His achievement cost the betting industry some £40 million and became known as the “Magnificent Seven.” Dettori even named his Chelsea restaurant, Sette, after it. One punter, a plumber from Morecambe named Darren Yates won £550,000 on a stake of £67.58 and forever more this will be recalled as a moment in racing history.
Richard Hughes celebrates 7 wins from 8 at Windsor yesterday at odds of 10,168-1Frankie Dettori celebrates his “Magnificent Seven” in September 1996
Yesterday, another jockey, Richard Hughes, at odds of 10,168-1, rode seven winners in eight races at Windsor.
Of his success, Hughes, who has ridden 161 winners this season, commented:
“I’m over the moon. It’s great to do it… Windsor is my lucky track, and this is a great day… What a thrill. This is a great day.”
Unlike with Dettori’s “Magnificent Seven,” the bookies were relatively happy too. Kate Miller, a spokesperson for William Hill stated:
“That was probably the cheapest seven-timer ever for the bookies… The last time a high-profile jockey rode a big seven-timer it cost us £7million, so we’re very grateful that Richard timed his on a quiet Monday. We’ll pay out around £100,000 but the figure could easily have been 10 times that if he’d chosen this Saturday instead.”
Frankie Dettori and Richard Hughes at Sette in Chelsea with A. P. McCoy, Ryan Moore and friends
All at The Steeple Times raise a glass to Mr Hammond on his brilliant achievement.
Matthew Steeples reacts to the BBC quietly dropping the “Sir”
This morning when I turned on Radio 4’s Today programme, as has become customary in the last weeks, the first item on the news was about a man who will forever be associated with abuse and paedophilia, Jimmy Savile.
In recent days, as more and more allegations have surfaced against the Jim’ll Fix It presenter, politicians like David Cameron have looked to make hay by calling for Savile to posthumously lose his knighthood. They talk twaddle as such a title cannot be taken from you once you are dead as that very title actually dies with you. To actually “remove” the title would involve a costly change in the law and frankly, as disgusting as this pervert now appears to have plainly been, is it really worth the expense and parliamentary time during these times of austerity?
Plain old Jimmy Savile
When Jeffrey Archer was jailed, calls were made to strip him of his seat in the Lords. In, my humble opinion, rightly, nothing was done. Since leaving prison, Lord Archer has righted his wrongs by doing much good. Archer’s situation and crimes, I admit, were different to those of Savile but his and that of Lord Lucan should be a guide.
If Jimmy Savile were to lose his title now, should the hereditary title of Lord Lucan also be removed? Should his son lose a title because, even though never convicted, his presumed deceased father stands accused of the murder of his children’s nanny? This area of law could indeed become very complex and frankly the exploration of it is pointless.
The Today programme, however, have found a far simpler and cheaper solution. This morning, they did what we should all do. They now simply refer to this revolting individual as plain old “Jimmy Savile.” Let’s all follow this lead, drop the “Sir” and leave it at that.
Matthew Steeples discovers a penthouse that even the most ambitious estate agent may struggle to flog
Estate agents are a tough breed and there are very few properties that they might admit could verge on being impossible to sell. We believe, however, that we might have found one that could be in the same league as, perhaps, the homes of Myra Hindley, Harold Shipman or John Christie. In fact, this Leeds penthouse could be even more difficult to sell given how many photographs the last owner had taken there during his lifetime.
The exterior of Lake View Court, Roundhay, Leeds, West Yorkshire, LS8 2TX gives little a way other than the resemblance to a Soviet apartment blockThe penthouse enjoys superb views across Roundhay Park and the Waterloo LakeThe split-level 33ft reception offers a vast entertaining space and comes complete with a shagpile carpet that Austin Powers would be proud ofIn view of their tiling advertisement, perhaps the owner did a deal with Callerton Kitchens (http://www.callerton.co.uk)A bedroom gives further indication that this place hasn’t had much done to it since the 1970s
On first inspection, this 3-bedroomed £325,000 top floor flat in Lake View Court at Roundhay in Leeds sounds like it could be a bargain. It includes a 33ft by 13ft split-level living room, a large balcony, a fitted kitchen (that bizarrely features tiling prominently displaying the name of the kitchen’s manufacturer, Callerton Kitchens), 2 bathrooms, a single garage and a double parking space in an underground garage.
Though the agents, Alan Cooke, give a hint that it needs a complete makeover when they state that the apartment is “now ripe for improvement,” it has a “security entry phone system, an automatic lift giving private access, gas central heating system and double glazing.” They also add that it features a “magnificent outlook” across Roundhay Park and the Waterloo Lake and is on a lease of 125 years from 1971. The ground rent is just £60 per annum and a maintenance charge of £2,000 per annum doesn’t seem to be too bad either.
“And here, for our home and studio audience, here’s who house it was…” Jimmy SavileThis image of Savile in a state of undress might indeed have put off a few buyersSavile pictured in the reception room of the penthouse
Now what could be wrong with this pad and why has it languished on the market since the summer? Well, it turns out that this is the former main home of the late Jimmy Savile. Though his possessions were removed and auctioned some months ago, the disgraced television presenter’s tawdry style of décor remains as a legacy of his occupation of the flat. One simply would not want to think of what the Jim’ll Fix It presenter got upto in this place and frankly, who’d want to move into this poisoned chalice?
Equally, we don’t think Loyd Grossman will be calling round at any point in the near future to ask: “Now, who’d want to live in a house like this?”
For more information on The Penthouse, Lake View Court, Roundhay, Leeds, West Yorkshire, LS8 2TX, contact agents Alan Cooke Moortown, Moortown, Leeds, LS17 6PY on +44 (0) 113 288 8666.
All of us who drive have made stupid mistakes but most of us, at worst, have knocked over a gatepost or pranged a door in a supermarket car park.
Our picture of the week: Tony and Barrie Drewitt-Barlow on the roof of their Range Rover
A couple named Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow, however, take the biscuit. This idiotic pair of millionaires, who are best known for having had five children by a surrogate and for having run a business into liquidation, somehow thought they could drive through a flooded ford in their Range Rover Sport in the early hours of the morning without incident.
The pair, who’d spent the day filming at a most naff sounding event named Essex Fashion Week with the “stars” of The Only Way is Essex, claimed that their vehicle spun around three times before starting to fill up with water. Barrie Drewitt-Barlow told the Mail Online:
“It went dark. We had to climb out of the window. I thought I was going to die.”
Plainly terrified of getting his “tuxedo” wet, Tony Drewitt-Barlow called the emergency services from the roof and supposedly, with the help of a police helicopter, an inflatable boat and fifteen firefighters, the couple were rescued an hour later.
A boat rescues the pair from the roof of their Range Rover SportThe car remained in the water on the following dayTony and Barrie Drewitt-Barlow pictured outside Southwark Crown Court last year
Now, instead of issuing an apology for the havoc their recklessness caused, the Drewitt-Barlows’ are bleating:
“Tony is suffering from shock and hypothermia at the moment from having over an hour on the roof,” stated Barrie Drewitt-Barlow before he added:
“We went back yesterday to rescue some personal belongings from the boot, a couple of photo albums, clothes, and my laptop, but they had all been stolen. My laptop had all of our photos on. We have put a £5,000 reward up for the return of the photos and laptop.”
Maybe their possessions floated away. They must have left the windows open when they exited the vehicle and if the car really did fill with water, the computer and photo albums would be ruined anyway. Either way, whether stolen or not, the lack of gratitude of this couple showed towards their rescuers makes them utterly contemptible. After all, how much did this ridiculous episode cost?
One comment left on the Mail Online described the Drewitt-Barlow’s as a pair of “pillocks in a puddle.” We agree and simply had to make the image of this ludicrous couple’s foolishness The Steeple Times picture of the week.
The purchaser of Sir Jimmy Savile’s Rolls-Royce whinges about his lacking lot
As 14 police forces announce that they are investigating an astonishing 340 leads and the claims of 40 alleged victims of Sir Jimmy Savile, we at The Steeple Times were equally astounded when we received a Tweet from one of our most esteemed followers @veniviedivici this afternoon.
In his Tweet, @veniviedivici provided a link to a SKY News “exclusive” with the purchaser of a 2002 Rolls-Royce Corniche that had been sold by auctioneers Dreweatts as part of an auction of the possessions of the late Savile that took place on the 30th July.
Charlotte Leeming of the BBC with the former Sir Jimmy Savile Rolls-Royce Corniche. Follow her on Twitter at @lottyleemingBidders at the Dreweatts auction of the possessions of the late Sir Jimmy Saville in Leeds on 30th July 2012
At the time, the Rolls-Royce, which Savile had (rather appropriately – given the current turn in events) nicknamed “The Beast,” was listed in the auction catalogue at a guide price of £60,000 to £90,000. It eventually sold for £130,000. With a buyer’s premium, this figure totaled a figure of £161,000 and of it the anonymous buyer, a scrap dealer from Poole in Dorset, told SKY News:
“I never met him, but he was someone I’ve grown up with. I’ll only drive it now and again.”
He added: “I bought it on a whim,” whilst the disappointed underbidder, a “colourful pie and peas” charity fundraiser named Leon Parrish, stated:
“I’m gutted. Good to luck to him [the buyer] but at the end, I hated him.”
He had a lucky escape: charity fundraiser Leon Parrish was pipped at the post and missed out on buying the late Sir Jimmy Savile’s 2002 Rolls-Royce Corniche
Mr Parrish may now have changed his mind. Readers may also recall our own coverage of the sale and we even admit to having been somewhat hoodwinked by Savile’s supposed largesse in the statement we made at the time:
“Jim fixed it that all proceeds will go to charity. Even in death, this top dollar gent continues to do good.”
Since then, Savile has been exposed at worst as a rapist and paedophile and at best as a dirty old creep. As he lies in a concrete encased grave (minus it’s headstone now), we retract our last sentence. He was not a good man and sadly, though he’ll be forever remembered as a disgrace, he’ll never face a single charge.
The new owner of Savile’s Rolls-Royce Corniche, as a result of the media furore over the current allegations, is certainly not laughing but today when he gave a bleeding heart interview, he just made a pathetic fool of himself. Here are a few sentences from it:
“I don’t want to be associated with it… I’m just gutted because all of this should have come out beforehand… The only way that car will sell is to get the Savile name off of it and try to sell it for £70,000 if I’m lucky… I’ve never even driven it… I bought it, they delivered it, I had it picked up, they took it to Surrey for servicing [he’s had to spend £8,000 on the brakes and other problems with the car] and it’s still there… A lot of people spent a lot of money on that stuff [other items in the Dreweatt sale], tracksuits and that, and they’ve got to burn them now because they’re worth nothing… I’ve got my lawyers looking at it now, but my solicitor has spoken to a barrister and he seemed to think none of us had a leg to stand on.”
The scrap dealer went on to add that his plans to rent the car out for weddings and children’s parties had been scuppered but worse still, he informed Gerard Tubb of Sky News that his wife knew nothing of his somewhat stupid purchase:
“She’d absolutely kill me, I’d get thrown out… Probably she knows deep down, but I’ve just got to deny it because I wouldn’t get away with this one.”
Whoever he may be, this scrap dealer is truly not worthy of any of our sympathies. He bought a car unseen and didn’t adhere to the principle: “Caveat emptor.” We at The Steeple Times have no sympathies for this nitwit.
Matthew Steeples shares his somewhat mixed thoughts on the allegations against Sir Jimmy Savile
When Sir Jimmy Savile’s 2002 Rolls-Royce Corniche went to auction in July with a guide price of £60,000 to £90,000, he seemed destined to be remembered as a man who would continue to do as much good in death as he appeared to have done in life. Savile (1926 – 2011) had arranged that all proceeds of the auction would go to charity and in the end the car fetched £130,000.
By September 2012, however, everything had changed. Savile, a man who had raised an estimated £40,000,000 for charity during his lifetime, now stands accused of allegations of sexual assault against numerous women and at least one male following an ITV1 documentary, Exposure: The Other Side of Jimmy Savile.
Sir Jimmy Savile OBE, KCSG outside the highland retreat at Allt na Reigh, Glencoe, Ballachulish, Scotland, PH49 4HX where he entertained amongst HRH The Prince of Wales and TV presenter Louis TherouxSir Jimmy Savile’s humour and approach to life was considered “saucy” and “Carry On-esque” during his lifetime. Now, many appear to regret allowing his behaviour to go unnoticed.
When I first heard these allegations, I was somewhat perturbed. My initial thought was: “Is it right that these allegations surface when the alleged perpetrator is not here to defend himself?” Yes, Savile and many other stars of his generation and ilk appeared eccentric and perhaps even a little sinister, but that does not mean that they were or are necessarily paedophiles and rapists. In the days that followed, I found myself questioning the motivations of those who had waited until this supposedly affable star was dead before they opted to blacken his name. The fact that many of these “victims” remain hidden behind masks of anonymity, equally, is somewhat questionable especially when their alleged abuser is not here to “threaten” them any longer either.
Having since watched the documentary, presented by former police detective Mark Williams-Thomas, and subsequently heard an incredibly creepy recording released by the BBC of Savile with a 14-year old girl, my mind changed somewhat and I now find myself appalled that this individual was allowed to get away with his perverted ways for so long.
Even in his lifetime, the bachelor Savile made some pretty sordid comments about his sex life and attitude towards women. A passage from his 1974 autobiography, As it Happens, gives an example:
“There have been trains and, with apologies to the hit parade, boats and planes (I am a member of the 40,000 foot club) and bushes and fields, corridors, doorways, floors, chairs, slag heaps, desks and probably everything except the celebrated chandelier and ironing board.”
It is also true that Savile was investigated and interviewed under caution over allegations of indecent assault in the 1970s by British police in 2007 and that the States of Jersey police had similarly looked into another assault in 2008. Neither resulted in any charges being brought but now that many of his former colleagues have come forward to state that knowledge of the Jim’ll Fix It star’s predatory ways were “well known,” one has to ask why no one shouted louder back then. After all, many of these people were in positions of power equal and in some cases senior to Savile.
Rather like with Leveson, though, the present calls for an investigation into the activities of Jimmy Savile come too late and are in my view pointless. Such an inquiry would certainly give the camera loving blabbermouths their day in court but it will not bring any closure for those who were allegedly abused. Their alleged abuser will never be punished for what he allegedly did and the only people to benefit will be the lawyers. Column inches will indeed also be filled but what else would be achieved?
Savile is buried in a coffin inclined at 45 degrees to fulfill his wish to “see the sea” at Woodlands Cemetery in Scarborough, Yorkshire. It has recently been encased in concrete “as a security measure” and given that a memorial plaque on his former home had to be removed after being defaced with graffiti, this is probably wise.
Whether Jimmy Savile is innocent or guilty of the abuses that he has been accused, his name now is forever tarnished. That now will be this strange man’s only legacy.
