Category: MOVERS & SHAKERS

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’

 

Missing the Phoenixes

In Pret South Kensington, several parents sat chatting whilst their noisy children ran riot. One father remarked: “We had to call the kids ‘Rain’ and ‘River’ because… Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” Another dad, plainly perplexed and plainly without an ounce of knowledge of the acting dynasty in question, answered: “Is it ‘cause you like water? Is it?”

 

Dead WiFi

At a funeral Justin Wheeler overheard one mourner ask a priest: “What’s the WiFi password?” He answered: “Respect the dead”. The mourner, unabashed, continued: “All lowercase?”

 

Brexit means Brexit

At Sexy Fish in Berkeley Square two ladies that lunch discussed Theresa May’s first hundred days in office. One stated: “Well, she did come up with a radical idea”. The other: “What’s that?” The answer: “The radical idea that a thing means what it is”.

 

Mail Bible

At The Steeple Times’ debate at 12 Hay Hill a panelist enquired of a journalist: “Are you religious?” The chair responded: “The Daily Mail is her bible. The only bible she’ll ever need”.

 

Banishing the Brexit Brainbox

The now infamous ‘Brexit Brainbox’ returned to La Brasserie in spite of having upset the staff by blaming immigrants for utterly everything wrong in the world. Told she was not welcome and refused a glass of champagne, she angrily responded: “It couldn’t have been me who said that. I’m half Italian, half Turkish and I like champagne and that’s foreign”. The irony.

 

Submit comments you hear to [email protected]. We publish amusing and ridiculous chatter we receive and sometimes we change names and locations to protect the identities of the vain and the vacuous.

 

Clangers overheard and snippets spotted by readers of ‘The Steeple Times’

 

Defining an Aston

In Cecconi’s in Mayfair, a group of salesmen convened to discuss sales figures. The head honcho told the group: “We’re not selling enough Astons… It’s not because they’re a bad risk, it’s because you don’t understand them so I’ll tell you this: The likes of people who get declined on Ferraris, buy Astons. The demographic of an Aston owner is the same as Bentley. They’re less chav-like than Porsche owners but not as hoity-toity as Rolls-Royce owners”. So there!

 

Waitrose Chicken

At Pret in South Kensington, a 30-something blonde woman sat with her personal trainer. She told him: “I scanned the Waitrose chicken yesterday. I didn’t know if it was going to help my diet. I just thought it looked rather common. Can I put that in my food diary?” You wouldn’t find her in Aldi.

 

Conservative Farage

At a bar in Chelsea, a plump woman told her companion: “Fabulous about Donald Trump, isn’t it?” He answered: “Oh yes! Now we can get Nigel Farage back into the Tory fold”. God help us all.

 

The Sickness of Brexit

“I don’t like the word ‘Brexit’. I don’t like it at all” remarked a vodka drinking gent at the very same bar. “It makes me feel sick. The word that is. It’s a horrible word. That’s all”.

 

Submit comments you hear to [email protected]. We publish amusing and ridiculous chatter we receive and sometimes we change names and locations to protect the identities of the vain and the vacuous.

 

A 20-question interview with M&A broker turned artist Maximilian Wiedemann

 

The Steeple Times shares “wit and wisdom”. What’s your guiding force?

I say: “The only pain is champagne”.

 

“Don’t get even, get medieval” is, in our humble opinion, a great motto. What’s yours?

“Be honest, get honest”.

 

Kerry Katona was considered unacceptable in 2007. Who or what is unacceptable in 2016?

Donald Trump.

 

Tony Blair misses being Prime Minister. What do you miss most in your life?

I miss the times people used to not use email and wrote handwritten notes to one another.

 

What might you swap all your wealth for?

My son and my family’s happiness and education.

 

Donald Trump was once a case of: “If you owe the bank a thousand, they close you down; but if you owe the bank a billion, you own the bank”. What’s your view on the state of the financial system?

Too pig to fail.

 

What phrase or word do you most loathe?

Anything that starts with “no”.

 

In the UK, some people consider charity to “begin at home”. What’s your view and what causes do you personally support?

I support rebuilding homes in Nepal with the Embassy of Nepal in Monaco. I feel I have been blessed with all God’s gifts and I feel obliged to return happiness and security wherever I can to the less fortunate.

 

The judge in Law Abiding Citizen states: “I can pretty much do whatever I want” before being blown up whilst answering her mobile phone. What’s your view on the appropriate use of such devices?

Money talks but has nothing to say.

 

If you could fill a carriage on The Orient Express, who would be your fellow passengers?

My brother Benjamin Wiedemann.

 

If you were unfortunate enough to end up on death row, what would be your last meal and where would you eat it?

I would have a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese by the seaside with a glass of red wine.

 

What time is it acceptable to consume the first drink of the day?

Anytime is good.

 

A Negroni, a martini or a cup of tea?

A cup of tea.

 

Whose parties do you enjoy the most and why?

Dinner parties at home with my closest friends.

 

Who is the most positive person you know?

My mother.

 

What’s your most guilty pleasure?

Painting.

 

If a tattoo were to sum you up, what would it be of?

A ‘Burgulary’ watch. Those that have seen my works will understand.

 

If you were a car, what marque would you be?

A military Hummer.

 

Cilla Black presented Surprise, Surprise. Tell us the most surprising thing about you.

I used to be a banker and now I mock them.

 

What’s currently sitting on your mantelpiece?

Family pictures.

 

Maximilian Wiedemann is a former M&A broker who now describes himself as anything but a traditional artist. He has worked with everyone from Bono to Kate Moss to Karl .

 

Follow him on Instagram at @maximilianwiedemann

 

America should worry about who will guide it if Donald Trump wins this week; here we highlight a troubling example

 

This morning, in the final hours of the 2016 American election campaign, a plastic faced socialite named Toni Holt Kramer, “who flits between mansions in Florida and California” according to The Telegraph, gave an interview on ITV1’s breakfast show Good Morning Britain.

 

“We have to save America”, pined Ms Holt Kramer, a woman who travels by private jet and with a full-time bodyguard due to her “fears about the security situation in [the USA] in general”. She continued: “I’m one of many Trumpettes… Women like him… He is a perfect gentlemen to his employees. Women everywhere love him… As for any allegations, all I can say is ‘boys will be boys’, won’t they?”

 

“Bouffant blond haired and heavily made-up” Holt Kramer, it turns out, is the founder of an organisation named Trumpettes USA. She established the “movement” in September 2015, counts many wealthy Palm Beach socialites as members and urges members to “adopt a Trumpette luncheon”. These are guided by the principle of: “No more Washington witches and warlocks. Just sweet treats with our superman Donald J. Trump”.

 

Said to loathe the Black Lives Matter organisation, believe Huma Abedin and Hillary Clinton to be lovers and “respect” God and the police, Trumpettes have “made headlines for their lack of political correctness and taste for conspiracy”.

 

These odd women, whose Trumpettes USA website features an anthem titled ‘We’re Gonna Make America Great Again’ by someone named Frank di Salvo, represent the kind of people the free world will be guided by if Donald Trump wins tomorrow.

 

#GodHelpAmerica

#AnythingButHim

#DumpTheTrump

 

Lady Kitty Spencer is an example of someone with privilege who uses it for the good of others; we salute her

 

Kitty Spencer, as she prefers to be known, has it all. She’s actually really Lady Kitty Spencer and she is the niece of the late Diana, Princess of Wales. She grew up in both South Africa and on her family’s 13,000 acre Althrop estate, is dating an Italian property tycoon named Niccolo Barattieri di San Pietro and has over 38,000 followers on Instagram.

 

Despite being blessed also with model-like looks and flowing blonde locks, Lady Kitty Spencer, the eldest child of Charles, 9^th Earl of Spencer and former model Victoria Lockwood, chooses to spends her days working as an ambassador for the London-based charity Centrepoint. She makes teas for the homeless and provides them with a friendly ear and also works for the military family charity Give Us Time.

 

In an interview with The Times, this cousin of Princes William and Harry remarked:

 

“The young people that have come out of Centrepoint are so focused on one thing”.

 

“They know exactly what they want to do and what their talents are”.

 

“So for that I envy them. I do battle with what it is that I really want to set my mind to”.

 

“I don’t want to look back and see where I could have done more for people. I could be what my Instagram says and nothing more”.

 

She added:

 

“We all have stereotypes about who becomes homeless but the reality is very different”.

 

“The first day I did a Centrepoint sports day I left feeling on a high, I felt ‘what an amazing way to spend my time’”.

 

“And then I got home and my boyfriend asked me ‘how was Centrepoint?’ I said I actually can’t talk about it”.

 

“It suddenly came crashing. Because some of them were really, really young and some of them just looked so weak and you just think, ‘Where are your parents?’”

 

We salute her honesty and dedication and urge our readers to follow this fine young lady’s lead.

 

Boy George shows his nasty side (yet again); it’s time he was banished

 

Boy George blocked The Steeple Times on Twitter after we pointed out that the BBC really shouldn’t continue to promote this convicted repeat offender. This week, he once again showed his nasty side when he appeared on a television show in New Zealand.

 

George – a man found guilty of offences that have included chaining a male escort to a radiator, threatening him with a sex toy and beating him with a metal chain – was asked about his criminal past by a Seven Sharp presenter named Toni Street. He reacted, in predictably diva-ish fashion, by angrily removing his earpiece and walking out.

 

In response later, Ms Street commented:

 

“I was really shocked that he walked out”.

 

“He had already answered a question on the topic so beautifully. He had said he wanted to move on and use his past as a way of helping others with addiction”.

 

Here, again, this one-time pop star proved he’s nothing but unhinged. It truly would be better if this nasty piece of work just disappeared for good. It’s time to banish Boy George.

 

Matthew Steeples reports on a confrontation at the Saatchi Gallery

 

Last night, at a party at the Saatchi Gallery, I was accosted by a dishevelled and somewhat nutty woman named Melanie Rochester.

 

In the presence of my good friend Oliver Newton, this “very strange and quite unstable” harridan ranted: “You know who I am. I’m going to sue you”. I asked her why and she screamed the same statement again: “You know. I’m going to sue you”. I smiled, laughed and replied: “Go ahead. Please do” and walked off.

 

Ms Rochester, it seems, thinks I am behind the website that exposes gatecrashers named MAX. I am not and if she wishes to pursue any action that claims to the contrary, she’ll only make an even bigger fool of her scruffy, sorry self. Next!

 

Picture courtesy of MAX.