The Tout’s tips for the Cheltenham Festival 2013
Finally, after a long and harsh winter we have arrived at the greatest show on earth for National Hunt fans. The Tout feels his blood pressure rise and a keen sense of anticipation as this week looms and now that it is upon us we are about to be presented with four of the greatest days of sport imaginable.
The Steeple Times asks journalist and author Jessica Fellowes: “What’s on your mantelpiece?”
The Steeple Times shares “wit and wisdom”. What’s your guiding force?
To learn from history – in all senses of the word – but listen to the needs of the present.
“Don’t get even, get medieval” is, in our humble opinion, a great motto. What’s yours?
“No man lives by bread alone – he needs his bit of crumpet”.
Is it time for “Keep Calm And…” to “Sod Off And Get Lost”?
Since 2001, whatever the situation and whatever the context, three words, “Keep Calm And…”, can and often have been applied. The rediscovery of what was originally a British wartime propaganda poster in a secondhand bookshop in Alnwick, Northumberland set about this trend and it has continued unabated.
The bookshop’s owners, Stuart and Mary Manley, seized upon their customer’s enthusiasm for “Keep Calm And…” and they, then others, printed it onto clothing, doormats, postcards, mugs and other merchandise. Millions of items featuring the distinctive font and “Tudor” crown have been sold worldwide and a trademark dispute about it commenced in 2011 and continues to this day.
On the Barter Books website is a link to a video giving the story of how such a simple phrase has become so popular. On it the narrator states:
“It’s perhaps the words on the poster that people find most enchanting. Like a voice out of history, it offers a very simple warmhearted message to inspire confidence in others in difficult times and it is something that should never fade from fashion”.
Adaptations naturally followed and amongst the many thousands created, some of the more tolerable ones include:
– Keep Calm Or Drink Wine
– Keep Calm You’re Not On The Titanic
– Keep Calm And Smoke Weed
– Keep Korma And Curry On
– Keep Calm And Get Over Yourself
– Keep Calm And Chillax (for David Cameron)
– Keep Calm And Kill Justin Bieber
– Keep Calm And Get Certified
– Keep Calm And F**k Off
– Now Panic And Freak Out
– Change Words And Be Hilarious
Increasingly, though, the overuse of “Keep Calm And…” has resulted in even Stuart Manley stating: “You almost get sick of it… Very few are genuinely funny”. There are hundreds of them and some are more bizarre than others. A selection numbers:
– Keep Calm And Have A Cupcake
– Keep Calm And Farm On
– Keep Quiet And Continue Working
– Keep Calm And Rule Britannia
– Keep Calm And Pass Me The Ball
– Keep Calm And Watch Skins
– Keep Calm And Go Watch The Hunger Games
– Keep Calm And Fake A British Accent
– Keep Calm And Hack On
– Keep Calm And Go Gangnam Style
– Keep Calm And Act Like Kate Middleton
– Calm You Shall Keep
Frankly, the majority of us are now bored. The time has come for reasonable souls to adopt the tone of Victor Meldrew. On sight of another piece of “Keep Calm And…” merchandise, the cry should ring out: “Sod Off And Get Lost”.
Barter Books: http://www.barterbooks.co.uk
Watch the Story of Keep Calm And Carry On at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrHkKXFRbCI&feature=player_embedded
If you must, purchase “Keep Calm” merchandise at: http://www.keepcalmhome.com, http://www.keepcalmstudio.com and http://www.keepcalmandcarryon.com
The Steeple Times asks writer, broadcaster and entertainer Neil Hamilton: “What’s on your mantelpiece?”
The Steeple Times shares “wit and wisdom”. What’s your guiding force?
Christine.
“Don’t get even, get medieval” is, in our humble opinion, a great motto. What’s yours?
If you say so dear.
This level-headed “reluctant star” of English rugby grew up in Northumberland and describes himself as a “horse whisperer, ventriloquist, ladies swimwear model and soft play enthusiast” to his 50,000 followers on Twitter. He enjoys gardening, fishing and walking his black Labrador and eventually intends to become a lawyer. Whilst both of his grandfathers were actors, he has become an ambassador and model for the Eden Park fashion brand, official suppliers of formalwear to the RFU. His view on fame is simple: “I don’t want to be a celebrity or be on the front pages of the papers. I don’t want to be recognised. I just want to play rugby to the best of my ability and lead my own life away from the job”. His fans are rightly united in calling him a “great bloke”.
“Mademoiselle Khoo”, as she likes to be known, is a Paris based chef, writer and broadcaster. Bubbly and vivacious, she’s “seduced the French with Paris’ smallest restaurant” and charmed the Brits with her fresh and enthusiastic approach to all things edible. Watch out – her profile is rising faster than any soufflé.
This child star has morphed via a stint on the Disney Channel and in boy band ‘N Sync into an internationally known singer-songwriter, actor, record producer, dancer and businessman. (more…)
Five of the best palaces in the trees
When one thinks of treehouses, one generally imagines pretty rudimentary creations built out of old boards and bits of rope. Now, though, treehouses are becoming more and more extravagant. As individuals such as J. K. Rowling and the Duchess of Northumberland construct vast palaces in the trees in their gardens, The Steeple Times examines five of the best:
The uninvited nuisances who are the nightmare of any party host
First published in October 2011 on a blog written by Matthew Steeples, we revisit the story of the leading gatecrashers who boldly go where no others would dare.
Gatecrashers are people who get into parties without invitations. Central London seems to be awash with them and though they lack the gaul of Washington’s Michaele and Tareq Salahi (who crashed President Obama’s White House state dinner for the Indian Prime Minister), they are truly a menace wherever they go.
Ranked as “the most influential Arab in the world”, Al-Waleed has at various times held investments in News Corp, AOL, Apple Inc., Motorola, Fox News, Eastman Kodak, TWA, Twitter, The Savoy, the Four Seasons hotel chain and Euro Disney SCA. Not afraid to back his beliefs financially, the “Buffett of Arabia” gave £18.5 million to the families of Palestinian “martyrs” in 2002 and sent a cheque for $10 million to New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani after the 9/11 attacks. In exchange he requested “a more balanced stance toward the Palestinian cause”. The cheque was returned. When Forbes magazine listed him as being worth £13 billion in March 2013 he was irate at the use of “incorrect data” that “seemed designed to disadvantage Middle Eastern investors”. Al-Waleed, whom rival publication Bloomberg list as being worth £18.5 billion, indignantly told Steve Forbes to remove him from his list and announced through his office that would he would “sever ties” with it. Surely, this dispute could be easily solved as, after all, what’s a billion or two between friends?