Matthew Steeples discovers Michael Winner’s links to descriptions of unwelcome “out of towners”
My last linguistic rambling explored two words, “plebs” and “ladettes,” that, like Andrew Mitchell MP, truly need to be eliminated from our culture. The next two in this series, “grockles” and “emmets,” have far more amusing origins and truly sum up the eccentricities of those living in the South of England.
I was led to believe that the word “grockle” was an ancient description of “those not from round here,” but having done a little research I now discover that it actually emanates from the 20th century TheDandy’s comic strip, “Danny and the Grockle.”
“Grockles” and caravans commonly go together“The Girl-Getters” (AKA “The System”) starred Oliver Reed, Jane Merrow, Barbara Ferris, Harry Andrews and Julia Foster and was directed by Michael Winner
The Dandy’s “grockle” was nothing other than a dragon like creature. There wasn’t anything more to the beast and it wasn’t until 1964 that the term became popularised when it was used in a film set in the Devon resort of Torquay. In The System (renamed The Girl-Getters for the US market), starring Oliver Reed and directed by Michael Winner, one of the characters states:
“Bloody grockles and their caravans, always jamming up the Devon lanes!”
Henceforth, the word became forevermore linked to tourists and thus we can hold Michael Winner responsible for bringing it to the world’s attention. Winner, who describes, himself as: “A totally insane film director, writer, producer, silk shirt cleaner, bad tempered, totally ridiculous example of humanity in deep shit” really should proudly add a reference to this to his Twitter handle.
Other definitions of the “grockle” are more specific and an especially amusing one separates these interlopers very clearly:
“It’s used as an insult towards ignorant and usually posh tourists; those with caravans; those with five kids, a dog, a grandad tagging along and those that have been coming to town for twenty years and think they know and own the place.”
The same commentator on this term continues:
“Someone holidaying in Christchurch who’s from Southampton isn’t a grockle… Foreign tourists aren’t [grockles] either as these generally tend to be considerate people when traveling and don’t make a nuisance of themselves… However, when I went to Puerto Banus near Marbella, I’d heard it was very exclusive but it was full of grockles still.”
The word is now so recognised that it was used in an a 2010 article in The Sunday Times about the sale of Lord Cowdray’s £25 million home in West Sussex:
“Bar a few open-garden events, the Cowdrays have never allowed visitor access to the property, so the eventual buyer won’t have to endure grockles coming up the drive.”
Whilst we have discovered that a “grockle” is a pretty general term, in Cornwall they have a more specific variation. The Cornish use the pejorative nickname “emmet” for tourists.
Derived from the Cornish language word for “ant,” the “emmet” is an analogy for the way in which both tourists and ants are often red in colour and appear to mill around. “Emmets,” it seems, are nuisances who get in the way and whom the locals would rather weren’t there.
Michael Winner wearing a T-shirt complete with his trademark phrase: “Calm down dear”… In this case he states: “It’s only a recession” but we do think he ought to also get one stating: “Calm down dear, they’re only grockles, they’re not from round ‘ere”
Be they a “grockle” or an “emmet,” tourists may well generate millions in revenue for the people of the South West but still, as many a local will say: “They’re not welcome round ‘ere.” I’m sure many a restaurateur feels similarly when Mr Michael Winner lands on his doorstep.
Nicky Haslam is a man of many parts. He’s best known as an interior designer and author but over the years, in chameleon like fashion, he’s variously styled himself as Liam Gallagher, bought a house in Transylvania on the net and once told Vanity Fair he’d rather meet Kim Jong Il than Nelson Mandela. Whether he’s partying with Paris Hilton or working with a Russian oligarch, Haslam’s character and charm always shine through and for good reason he tops the list of the most invited in the land.
Nicky Haslam’s “Total Control”
Nicky Haslam’s life has been well documented in many a column but his latest move, recording a debut album entitled Midnight Matinée, can certainly be described as a bold departure. Yes, he did cabaret at Bellamy’s in 2009 and The Savoy in 2010 but having heard the first song, this truly does represent something akin to Kevin Spacey’s Beyond the Sea. I must admit that I thought it vastly superior.
Produced by David Ogilvy, who wrote the music for a BBC film about the interior designer, Total Control is the first in the series of songs to be released. It is accompanied by a video by a Canadian filmmaker named Douglas Arrowsmith.
We at The Steeple Times very much like Haslam’s “highly individual” foray into the “contemporary music scene” and for that reason make it our video of the week.
“Why pay less when you can pay more?” is a mantra that some strangely choose to live by. In my time, I have encountered a couple with a different Ferrari for each day of the week, someone who proudly declared their home had a window for each day of the year and an heiress who insists upon the local baker feeding her dog daily with a freshly baked caviar pie.
When I discovered a house in California priced at $78,000,000, I didn’t expect to subsequently find out that the same vendor is also selling another of his homes in Montana at the very same price. Having done a little research into Donald G. Abbey, the commercial real estate tycoon who owns both The Bradbury Estate and Shelter Island, I discovered that here indeed is another personality whose excess knows no bounds.
I suppose when people sell homes of this worth, the asking price they set is quite irrelevant. “What,” I’m sure they ask, “is $5 million between friends?” Equally, when it comes to developing such properties, characters of this nature do not show any reserve. Bling is most definitely the order of the day and the larger and flashier one can build, I guess, the better.
An aerial shot of The Bradbury Estate, 172 Bliss Canyon Road, Bradbury, California, CA 91008, USAThe front elevation of the main houseThe owner and his guests need not get wet on arrival in their limousines
Abbey’s Bradbury Estate is a case in point. This vast property consists of a 33,000 square foot main house with 7 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. It is almost entirely made of French limestone and includes a chef’s kitchen with a pizza oven, a 2,000 bottle wine cellar, an oak paneled elevator and a leather paneled poker room. Bedrooms include domes with hand painted frescos and in addition there is a detached 6,700 square foot guest house above a 10 car garage and a 5,700 square foot pool house with a catering kitchen, gym, massage room and a subterranean EPA certified 25 yard rifle shooting range complete with a gun storage room and 2 large safes.
The hall of the main residence comes complete with a gallery and barA vast library provides the perfect space to enjoy a good bookThe library’s glazed ceilingAnother palatial reception roomThe house features a rather impressive kitchenMr Abbey’s copper bath tub comes complete with a mat displaying his initials in front of it
Within the 8 acre grounds there is a cross shaped infinity-edged pool – perhaps Mr Abbey is religious – that is “just a few feet short of Olympic length.” It requires 350,000 gallons of water if it is to be filled to capacity. Adjoining this is something even more ludicrous: a 1,000,000 gallon, temperature-controlled rainbow trout pond that cost some $8,000,000 to construct. The pond is said to be “adorned with perennials,” is heated by a custom gravity separator with UV filters and is “chilled for the trout by a 300-tonne central cooling plant.” At Bradbury, thoughts of water crisis in Sudan and Ethiopia come way behind the needs of Abbey’s rainbows.
The rear of the house viewed from above The Bradbury Estate’s $8,000,000 trout pondThe estate’s 350,000 gallon near Olympic length cross shaped infinity edged swimming poolThe property’s EPA certified 25 yard rifle range
For those wanting to avoid California’s UV rays, Bradbury also boasts an acre of porches, decks, loggia and walkways. A 600ft blue stone driveway completes this “once in a lifetime trophy property” that “belongs in the portfolio of the most astute collector” and it has space for “60 foot truck access or multiple limousines.”
When Mr Abbey has tired of California, he is able to retreat to his own island in Montana. The 24 acre Shelter Island on Flathead Lake includes 7,000 feet of frontage to the water, a world class sporting clay course and 3 computer controlled tracks and docking systems that allow boats to be landed in the dry dock without riders ever leaving the craft or handling a line. The island is powered via an underground armoured utility cable that carry 12,000 amps to it along with CAT-5 computer cable and phonelines and the main entertaining space features a mammoth television of some 120-inches in size.
An aerial view of Donald G. Abbey’s Shelter IslandMr Abbey’s passion for copper continues with a conservatory made out of the metal on the lakeside elevation of the main residence on Shelter IslandThe Great Room of the main residence on Shelter IslandMr Abbey’s passion for fine wines is displayed in a bar and tasting room in the propertyThe owner and his guests can access their boats without having to go anywhere near the water
Abbey has built over 44,000 square foot of accommodation on his island. The main house has 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms. His “Great Room” features ceilings of some 45 foot in height and in addition to yet another indoor shooting range, there is a kitchen that woudn’t look out of place in The Savoy hotel.
In the UK, the property most similar to anything Abbey has built has to be Updown Court at Windlesham in Surrey. Developed by a former bricklayer named Leslie Allen-Vercoe, the house was described by him as being: “The most important residence to be built in England since the 19th century.” Architectural critics did not agree and some went as far as to say that it looked like: “A cross between a Tesco superstore and Center Parcs.”
Allen-Vercoe’s behemoth of a house is gargantuan in size. With 103 rooms it includes 24 bedrooms, 5 swimming pools, a 2-lane bowling alley, a squash court, a floodlit tennis court, a 50-seat cinema and a panic room. The heated driveway that led to the house is entirely made of marble and cost some £2.5 million to construct but plainly none of this appealed to the market as it languished for sale at a price of £70,000,000 from 2006 to 2011 before being repossessed by the Irish National Asset Management Agency (NAMA). Updown Court was sold for half the original asking price to a foreign buyer in October 2011 and is, I believe, due to undergo extensive remodeling.
Updown Court, Chertsey Road, Windlesham, Surrey, GU20 6HY, UK
Allen Vercoe once stated: “If Elton John were a house, he’d be Updown Court.” Equally, I imagine if Mr Abbey’s residences were to be compared to any celebrities they’d be the vulgar car crash that is Donatella Versace and the ludicrous money obsessed singer with a dollar sign in her name, Ke$ha.
Updown Court, Shelter Island and The Bradbury Estate all illustrate that money cannot buy you good taste. I suppose, though, that those who ultimately come to live in them will have plenty of space to choose how and where to enjoy their own form of misery.
For information on both The Bradbury Estate and Shelter Island, contact Bob Hurwitz of the Hurwitz James Company on +1 310-477-8865. Website: http://www.hurwitzjamesco.com
After a mixed response to our last picture of the week, taken from the Mail Online and featuring a “whingeing Brit” pensioner named Pamela Burbery, today we have chosen a more positive image from the very same title.
This week’s image is of another typically British sight, a white van. “White Van Man – The scourge of the road” was a description van drivers were christened with in 1997 by Jonathan Leake, the then transport editor of The Sunday Times, who described them as “the most feared driver on the road.”
The white VW van left on a roundabout in County Durham
White Van Man has never been considered a particularly sensitive chap but his image may have changed this week when the Mail Online featured an image of a VW van left on the George Reynolds Industrial Estate in County Durham decorated with the following:
Linda I’m sorry
I’m a fool and an idiot sometimes.
I love you with all my heart!
Please come home and put this right
We miss you!! I miss us.
I want to grow old with you.
Will you marry me?
Here is a White Van Man with a heart but even with their resources, the Mail Online did not manage to find out the identity of the driver prior to publication.
We very much hope Linda and her mystery man are reunited.
He co-founded City AM and was executive producer of the 2009 film Boogie Woogie. This Russian financier and lawyer led a closeted life and disappeared in March 2008. Elements of the Russian press suggest he’s living in California under the Federal Witness Protection Program but others argue that he was the victim of foul play at the hands of the KGB. A credit card belonging to Rozhetskin, whose favoured haunts numbered The Wolseley and Nobu, was found next to a body found in woods in Latvia in August 2012.
Boris Johnson hosts Rupert Murdoch at the Olympics
The Daily Mail and other titles are in uproar today. It has been revealed that the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has invited Rupert Murdoch and his wife, Wendi Deng, to be his guests at the women’s 800m freestyle swimming finals of the Olympics this week.
Boris Johnson
Accused of “appalling judgement” by Jenny Jones, a Green Party member, further criticism came from Len Duvall, leader of the Labour group on the London Assembly, who stated:
“There are serious questions as to the appropriateness of Boris Johnson taking Mr Murdoch to the Olympics.”
I wholeheartedly disagree. Mr Murdoch, like or loathe him, happens to own what remain the most influential media outlets in this country. He is a man of influence and unlike Mr Cameron, Boris realises how to utilise both him and the power of the press.
In recent days, Gary Barlow’s albumn Sing has topped the UK album charts with sales of 40,000 copies.
Two hundred and ten musicians, including the African Children’s Choir and the Royal Solomon Islands Police Force Band, helped record this special tribute to The Queen. Produced by Barlow with the assistance of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Gareth Malone, Sing also features Prince Harry on the tambourine, Hayley Westenra, Alfie Boe and the Military Wives choir. Sing will be performed this evening at a special concert at Buckingham Palace in the presence of Her Majesty.
Another tribute I was alerted to came from a singer named Anton Lorien who contacted me via Twitter. He was approached in 2011 by the British Monarchist League who asked him to produce a song for a lady he describes as having: “Given her life selflessly to the people of Britain and the Commonwealth.”
Mr Lorien’s song, Like A Diamond, is available to download on iTunes but I wholeheartedly recommend that you watch the video clip available above. It contains some wonderful footage of The Queen and the clip at 3:33 where our Monarch runs to watch her racehorse is especially worth seeing.
Gary Barlow pictured with Prince Harry on the tambourine working on Sing
Both Sing and Like A Diamond capture the feelings of our nation brilliantly. Be sure to sing along tonight.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II governed as constitutional monarch of 16 sovereign states and headed the 54-member Commonwealth of Nations. Supported by her gaffe prone husband, “Brenda,” as Private Eye nicknamed her, served steadfast through good times and bad. She liked to drive a little quickly when given control of the wheel of a Range Rover and also found washing up relaxing. This monarch like no other will never be forgotten.
Could 100 Park Lane become the property that achieves the accolade of being Britain’s highest priced private residence?
Occupied by property giants Hammerson since 1969 as their corporate headquarters, the 44,000 square foot Grade II* listed Dudley House is one of Park Lane’s finest landmark properties. It is supposedly about to come to the market as a single-family residence and a price of up to £250,000,000 could be achieved.
The Park Lane façade of Dudley House, 100 Park Lane, Mayfair, London, W1Y 4AR
Dudley House, the only remaining example of an early Park Lane mansion, is named after the Dudley Ward family and built on the site of an earlier house with stabling. The site was acquired by John, 6th Baron Ward, in 1742 but it wasn’t until 1759 that the 3rd Viscount Dudley and Ward began “judicious alterations” to the house. Having paid £6,510 at auction for his late half-brother’s interests in Dudley House, he added an entrance portico and stained glass windows whilst his successor, an ”eccentric intellectual and politician,” set about turning the building into “the most pleasing object in the vicinity.”
Works by the architect William Atkinson, carried out between 1827 and 1829, included a screen of Ionic columns, fine ceilings and gilded plasterwork. They remain to this day but it is the 1855 alterations of Samuel Whitfield Daukes that are truly impressive. Carried out on the instructions of the 1st Earl of Dudley, these included a magnificent 80ft picture gallery designed to showcase a collection of Italian and Flemish paintings and a vast 50ft ballroom.
The picture gallery at Dudley House
In 1895, Dudley House, which is situated at 100 Park Lane, briefly passed out of the Dudley Ward family and into the ownership of a “hard-headed South African mining magnate” named Sir Joseph Benjamin Robinson. Sir John Hubert Ward bought the building back in 1912 for £10,000 and remained there until his death in 1938.
Wartime bombing caused significant damage and this was not repaired until Hammerson took over Dudley House. Having hired Sir Robert McAlpine and Sons as contractors, designs by Sir Basil Spence and Anthony Blee were executed to restore the building. Hammerson remained there until 2006 when they jointly sold the leasehold interest on the house with freeholders Grosvenor for £37.4 million to Bristol Isles Ltd., a private investment company controlled by Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thana, the emir of Qatar.
His Highness Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani (1952 – )
The ensuing renovation, directed by the designer Alberto Pinto, has been described as “tasteful” and is said to have cost some £75 million. The resulting air-conditioned home features some 17 bedrooms and 14 reception rooms.
It’ll be fascinating to see who “Doesn’t pass go!” and purchases this mammoth mansion (if indeed His Highness Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani decides not to move in himself).
This property developer tried to sell Britain’s ugliest crib, Updown Court at Windlesham in Surrey, for £70 million in 2008. It languished on the market for years and looked like a cross between a Tesco store and Center Parcs. The mansion included five swimming pools, a heated marble driveway and 103 rooms. Nobody loved it but after it was repossessed in 2011, it was finally sold on for £35 million. Meanwhile, Allen-Vercoe appeared in the dock at Southwark Crown Court in 2012 in relation to a case involving the £10 million mortgage fraudster Joanne Sarah Pier (also known as Zoe May Fletcher and Maria Micheala). He was cleared.
