Pensioners’ Portion Palaver 2021

Angry magnifying glass carrying pensioner Tony Crook complains about “pensioners’ portions” of fish and chips being “obnoxious” in Barnard Castle – the land of Dominic Cummings’ famous eye test outing in 2020

Barnard Castle will go down in history for being the place Dominic Cummings drove to in order to test his eyesight during the first national lockdown last March. Now, it’s hitting the headlines again and this time because of a fish and chip shop’s decision to serve “miniscule” portions.


Featured in the Angry People in Local Newspapers group on Facebook, one Tony Kelly of Crook, County Durham wrote to The Northern Echo to bleat about what he termed “so-called ‘pensioners’ portions’” of fish and chips last week.


Referencing that he’d been to a fish and chip shop with two friends – which would, of course, currently be a fineable act if it occurred during ‘Lockup 3.0’ – Mr Kelly monotonously moaned:


“We asked for pensioners’ portions. When they came, the quality was decent enough but the quantities were minuscule. You just about needed a magnifying glass to see the fish.”


“We went to the place hungry and came out even hungrier. Pensioners’ ruddy portions indeed.”


David Icke wannabe Mr Kelly, like his fellow eye-for-detail obsessive Dominic Cummings, has previous. In May 2019, this puerile pensioner extolled fluoride in North Eastern drinking water as “wholesome and beneficial” whilst in October 2018, he strangely suggested “grossly disturbed strata” would increase “the probability of earthquakes” in his neighbourhood.


Man-of-multiple-missives Tony Kelly’s latest letter follows in full:


AS a regular reader of Thursday’s ‘Eating Out’ page – but no expert when it comes to cafés – I’d like to warn other elderly readers about so-called ‘Pensioners’ portions.’ I’ve only ever tried them once and never again.


It was in Barnard Castle in a fish and chip shop, where I’d gone with two friends. Trying to err on the side of moderation, we asked for pensioners’ portions.


When they came, the quality was decent enough but the quantities were minuscule. You just about needed a magnifying glass to see the fish.


We went to the place hungry and came out even hungrier.


Pensioners’ ruddy portions indeed.


There seems to be an entrenched attitude in some quarters that you can fob old people off with anything – an attitude that is no less obnoxious for being more and more prevalent.


Tony Kelly, Crook.


Pensioners’ Portion Palaver 2021 – Barnard Castle had sight of enough eye issues in 2020 thanks to Dominic Cummings, but now, in 2021, Tony Kelly is turning “pensioners’ portions” into yet another beady-eyed drama with his magnifying glass.
Pensioners’ Portion Palaver 2021 – In December 2017, Tony Crook wrote to ‘The Northern Echo’ to complain about the chief executive officer of Persimmon Homes receiving a £100 million bonus. “The whole thing stinks,” he suggested before adding: “Putrid, amoral, grotesque, outrageous and cynical” to his arsenal of anger.
Pensioners’ Portion Palaver 2021 – In December 2016, Tony Kelly complained to ‘The Northern Echo’ about a rat “sloshing about” in his “adjacent toilet.” He wrote about he “promptly slammed the lid down, flushed and then put half a brick on the top” and then shared some very useful advice: “The moral? Always keep your toilet lid down, when not in use, especially if your toilet is downstairs like mine, and for double security, put a heavy weight on top. Obviously the incident was a very rare one, about as likely as a big lottery win. However, very unlikely things sometimes happen, and simple precautions are well worth taking. I reported the incident at the Civic Centre, in Crook, but was advised that pest control could do nothing and even if that were not the case would charge £40 for coming out.”
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.



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