Inauguration Day brings assassination theories, Golden Shower cocktails and a ban on selfie sticks
“Armageddon Day” – as many have termed it – is upon the free world and today, barring a miracle, Donald Trump will become the 45th President of the United States of America.
Last night, Trump began his celebrations with a MAGA (“Make America Great Again”, for those who’ve been living under a stone for the last year) concert that featured a collection of artists – with perhaps the exception of the And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going singer Jennifer Holliday (Update: She pulled out citing the fact she did not want to offend her LGBT fans) – nobody had ever heard of. It was somewhat of a damp squib of an event and the President-elect didn’t even manage to offend anyone, according to Itay Hod of The Wrap.
Trump – a man facing a lawsuit for sexual assault filed Tuesday by lawyer Gloria Allred – will be sworn in at around 5pm GMT and though he loves calling things “great”, he’ll have to use it 30 times in his inaugural address if he is to beat President James Monroe. He used the word 29 times in 1821, beating his previous best of 25.
Protest against the man who few predicted would win began last night in New York with the likes of Michael Moore claiming: “[Trump] will not last four years”. CNN went further and ran a segment titled: “What if an incoming president and his immediate successors were wiped out on day one?” whilst the British politician George Galloway took to YouTube. He announced:
“There is a clear and present danger on [Trump’s] life. If I were him, I wouldn’t be going near any grassy knolls. I wouldn’t be on any motorcades in Dallas. I wouldn’t be traveling in an open-top car. I’d be very careful if I was Donald Trump about my personal security. I think I’d have to employ guards to guard the guards”.
Those in Washington to attend the inauguration parade were provided with “know before you go” information via the DC.gov website. Selfie sticks, alcoholic beverages, portable chairs, thermos flasks, bicycles and animals are all banned for the day and protestors, elsewhere, warned one another to “keep your cool”. One took to social media to offer the following advice:
“Write your important information of your forearm in Sharpie. (Emergency contact, lawyer #, drug allergies, etc.) It will wash off eventually. In fact, bring a Sharpie with you to share with others for this purpose”.
“Observe the crowd energy and calmly leave the vicinity if you have nay doubts about anything”.
“Use your judgment! These are intended to be peaceful gatherings but there have been reports that infiltrators will try to incite violence, and make it look like the protestors caused it”.
Meanwhile, back in New York, those who want to drown their sorrows can head to the Lower East Side whisky bar Leave Rochelle Out Of It for a cocktail named The Golden Shower. Offered for $10 each, 100% of the price of each drink will be donated to Planned Parenthood. That, no doubt, will be highlight of this somewhat nutty day.
#GodHelpAmerica #GodHelpTheFreeWorld