The World’s Worst McMansion – It’s So Bad, It’s Good

New Jersey ‘McMansion’ complete with Flintstone-esque pebbled bathrooms and gaudy grottos goes on sale for £1.65 million; it’s so bad, it’s good

A onetime contributor of ours is best known for saying: “It’s good” of almost any situation and in 1 Rivers Edge Drive in Colts Neck, Monmouth County we’ve discovered what is quite possibly the best ever example of: “It’s so bad, it’s good” in architectural terms.

 

Styled from outside in the form of an atypical ‘McMansion’ or ‘Hummer House,’ the 5,420 square foot ‘palace’ of a property on offer for sale currently stands in a community described by realtor Jason Mitchell as “the gem of New Jersey.”

 

Whilst the property hawker lists the area as a “most affluent suburb” and a place having “country flair,” he neglects to mention the township was the scene of a gruesome familial “mansion mass murder” in 2018. The case against businessman Paul Caneiro is ongoing, but on a more positive note for music lovers, rock and roll legend Bruce Springsteen is listed by Wikipedia as the “township’s largest equestrian farm” owner.

 

1 Rivers Edge Drive itself is something quite extraordinary in terms of its tackiness. Featured on the Facebook Architectural Crimes group last weekend, here is an example of what one Brandon Vescovo described as: “The ugliest house in all of New Jersey.” Going further, he added: You might click through the exterior pictures and think ‘eh, this isn’t that bad, just landscaped and stoned to within an inch of its life’ – but, oh no. Oh no. It’s always the inside of these audacious McMansions that send mind hurtling into the void.”

 

The entrance hall to the ‘house’ resembles a Christmas grotto, but not one you’d want to take any child near given it is more Halloween-horror-esque.
Christmas and Christ are definitely an obsession of the current owner – and they plainly want everyone who comes through the door to know it.
The Facebook group ‘Architectural Crimes’ chose 1 Rivers Edge Drive, Colts Neck to feature on the pages last week. One user described it as “like a psychotically festive mole tripping on really bad acid.” Another added: “Hyacinth Bucket informs us that Sheridan is appalled.”

Standing on a plot of 2.77-acres in an area which tragically lost a high proportion of its population on 9/11 during the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre, selling agent Robert DeFalco remarks of the 4-bedroom house: “Spectacular, stunning [and] tranquil are a few words to describe this custom-built colonial.” He kindly terms it “distinctive” and lauds the salt water swimming pool’s 20-foot Fred Flintstone-esque “boulder wall waterfall” and “resort like atmosphere” amongst its key selling points.

 

If you want a true mish-mash of weirdness, you should put in an offer for 1 Rivers Edge Drive. Here is a McMansion that would suit perhaps Gemma Collins or Katie Price. Now girls, get your cheque books out; they’d need the ludicrous sum of £1.65 million though, up from a sale price of just £233,000 in July 1999.

 

Pictured top: The exterior of the ‘McMansion’ isn’t exactly architecturally stimulating, but it gives little away of the horrors of the contents of the ‘Bet Lynch on crack-like’ pad within.

 

The Numbers – 1 Rivers Edge Drive, Colts Neck, Monmouth, New Jersey, NJ 07722, United States of America

 

November 2020 – For sale for £1.65 million ($2,199,999, €1.86 million or درهم8.08 million) with Robert DeFalco Realty Inc.

 

May 2008 – For sale for £1.353 million ($1.799 million, €1.518 million or درهم6.607 million), an increase of 480.3% on the previous sale price.

 

July 1999 – Sold for £233,000 ($310,000, €262,000 or درهم1.1 million), a most curious reduction of a further 59% within just six months.

 

January 1999 – Current 5,240 square foot, 4-bedroom, 5-bathroom property sold for £569,300 ($756,900, €638,500 or درهم2.8 million).

 

1998 – Current property built on a plot of 2.77 acres.

 

July 1997 – Sold for £2.39 million ($3.18 million, €2.68 million or درهم11.68 million), an increase of 1,490% on the previous sale price.

 

September 1996 – Sold for £150,000 ($200,000, €169,000 or درهم735,000).

 

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A double height reception room contains artwork that one would imagine was purchased from the tat ridden railings of Hyde Park, London on a damp Sunday long ago.
The junk collection continues in what appears to be some kind of gallery for familial photos.
There’s hardly any space left for the table in this dining space of the McMansion.
The heron flying on the television screen is about the only appealing thing in this attempt at some form of a ‘dude ranch’ drinking den crossed with a boardroom.
Whatever this room was meant to be – there is a desk – it’s ended up as yet another junk emporium. One could imagine Tamara Ecclestone feeling at home here.
More crap.
A model giraffe was plainly meant to give this airport lounge style space a hint of ‘Out of Africa.’
The dark wood kitchen, surprisingly, has remained largely unscathed, but the faux plants and wreaths merrily help it along.
One of four busy bedrooms. Perhaps they employed napkin slapping Dawn Ward for these areas of the McMansion.
A dressing room for a gentleman clearly completely lacking in colour coordinating abilities.
Who’d have thought it? Pink, brown, gold and grey aren’t a great colour comibination.
Double dishing the same with the sinks.
Fred Flintstone plainly came to play on the day this shower room was fitted. The bog and sink colour palette… Well…
A shower suitable for a fatty and a jacuzzi tub suitable for a hooker.
Nicely folded towels.
Is the wreath for whomever died in this contraption?
Even the golf club storage area gets gaudy.
Exercise with colour.
The backyard is fully of junk also.
From this angle, the swimming pool doesn’t look too abnormal.
But then, you see the grotto…
A vast block paved driveway is a requirement for any McMansion owner.
You simply would never guess the horrors inside 1 Rivers Edge Drive from above.
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.
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1 COMMENT

  1. I like this building externally!!!!!!!! No wrecking ball required!!!!!!!!! Removing all the junk is easy enough and a good old barbie and a few Castlemaines to help and you could have something beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The price is too high though —— A big discount required!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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