Post-Pandemic Pillock Alexa Chung

Fashion fruitcake Alexa Chung arrogantly announces that she has no interest in anything other than “endless parties” in “post-pandemic” times

Whilst over 100,000 people may have died from coronavirus in Britain to date, this morning, the Guardian’s Jess Cartner-Morley shared that alien-to-all-of-this Alexa Chung – a weird wench who once merged her entire name into one hashtag, #ALEXACHUNG –  has announced that her priority is not helping others, but instead getting her glad rags on when the pandemic is over.

In response to a WhatsApp message from Cartner-Morley, fresh from running up debts of £2.3 million in 2020, ex-Big Mouth Chung supposedly, without a thought for those already gone and others on their deathbeds, ridiculously replied:

“When I think about life post-pandemic, all I can think about is endless parties… [I will be in] eye-wateringly short bodycon dresses – I may need matching knickers – and high heels.”

NHS staff and key workers will no doubt also be delighted to learn of Chung’s latest pearl and once again: “Thanks, Alexa” will resonate throughout the land.

Post-Pandemic Pillock Alexa Chung – Spoof Wikipedia-esque site Illogicopedia.org amusingly describe Alexa Chung as a “British fashion model made entirely out of wood.” They add: “She is best known for designing custom handbags for diabetic canker sores and hurling red paint at celebrities who refuse to wear fur” and conclude: “Anything you can do Alexa can do better. She can do anything better than you.”

Descriptions of Alexa Chung

By herself:

  • “Starlet.”
  • “Human.”
  • “Fashion brand.”
  • “Queen of Instagram.”
  • “It’s no surprise to me that I’m in this position now.”
  • “I’m driven by a desire to communicate.”
  • “I have an emotional connection with other people.”
  • “Airports are such emotionally charged places. I travel a lot, and I people-watch. And I love that British thing of wearing your holiday outfit home but with a sensible jacket because if you are British you are never not thinking about the weather.”
  • “I’m always under scrutiny – and I always feel it.”
  • “[Modelling] warped my reality.”

By Lily Waddell of the Mail on Sunday:

  • “Fashion royalty.”
  • “The belle of the ball.”
  • “The biggest designer name of the moment.”
  • “A style maven.”
  • “A starlet.”
  • “A fashion genius.”

By Niomi Harris of the MailOnline:

  • “Usually cuts a stylish figure at showbiz bashes.”
  • “Stunning.”
  • “Allows her dress to do the talking.”

By Kayleigh Giles of the MailOnline:

  • “Sits front row at almost every major Fashion Week show.”
  • “Stylish.”
  • “Star.”

By Anna Wintour:

  • “A phenomenon.”

By The Sun’s Simon Boyle:

  • “Miserable, snooty model.”
  • “Galling.”
  • “Ridiculous.”
  • “Does naff all.”
  • “Stuck-up socialite.”
  • “Believes she knows better.”
  • “If Alexa really had any kind of nous, she’d have cut the ridiculous costs of her line.”
  • “Don’t go into business with a pretentious model [like Alexa Chung], there’s a lesson for you.”
Post-Pandemic Pillock Alexa Chung – Prior to coronavirus lockdowns in the UK and elsewhere, Alexa Chung was best known for hitting the party circuit and in February 2019 hosted a launch for a range of sunglasses at a restaurant named Wild By Tart. At it, she “allowed her dress to do the talking” and also “spoke of her “#MeToo moment.” She managed to find also to be snapped being kissed simultaneously on her cheeks by both Pixie Geldoff and Jack Guinness.
Post-Pandemic Pillock Alexa Chung – In June last year, utterly in love with herself Alexa Chung shared a bizarre 22:08 minute ‘video quiz’ on YouTube. In it, she helpfully announced that her lockdown activities had included “Netflix and chilling” and banged on about herself and her style tips. She suggested of the medium she was using: “The beauty of doing this on this is that you can just pause me.” Instead, 61 people unsurprisingly hit the ‘dislike’ button.
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.
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8 COMMENTS

  1. She should shut the fu*k up. 150,000 deaths and countless maimings are not reason to celebrate. Our doctors and nurses are dying as well as our friends and relatives. I hope when we are through there will be a solemn remembrance service for what we have been through. Keep safe and make sure you vaccinate. Debunk denialism and visit this website

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