Classic clangers from the last week
Firing the lock
A student in Olympia was overheard making a late night call to the fire service. He bellowed: “My girlfriend’s snapped her key in the lock. The oven’s on. Come quickly. You don’t want the place burning down”. He put the phone down and remarked: “That’ll speed them up and then we can be out of here’.
Time for a beer
Within minutes a fire engine was heard to approach. The student looked sheepish and said: “God, that was quick. We better vamoosh. They’ll be furious when they discover there is no oven on”. His friend hailed a cab and said: “Bloody good job. It’s time we were at The Churchill Arms for last orders”. They headed on their merry way leaving an embarrassed young lady to deal with the hosers.
Seeing walnut
A pair of elderly men on the number 9 bus in Kensington were overheard reminicising. The first, a grandfather, from Cheltenham asked the second, a single, gay antiques collector from Bath about his latest purchases. The collector stated: “I was told walnut is out at the moment so I’m buying it whilst it’s cheap”. “Oh, that’s good”, responded his chum. “The other day I went to a dinner in one of these members’ clubs – stuffy places, I’ll have you know. There was an elderly chap sat next to me. He said: ‘Come back to see my walnut’. He had a flat in Collingham Gardens. Beautiful walnut. Beautiful. He then tried you know what. I said I had to be home to my aunt and I went on my way”. His astonished friend exclaimed: “The perils of walnut”.
The benefits of flats
The first of bus duo continued: “I don’t like terraced houses. Do you?” His friend answered: “I prefer flats. High ceilings and best of all, lots of opportunities to listen into the nocturnal activities of the neighbours as most have paper thin walls. Saucy.
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