Heirless – Hair Horror

As wicked witch heiress Ghislaine Maxwell complains about losing her hair and being “forced to clean a shower with a broom,” her ‘bestie’ Prince Andrew trended on Twitter for all the wrong reasons

Yesterday, deservedly never-now-to-be-an-heir to the monarch ‘Randy’ Prince Andrew trended on Twitter. Mocked as a result of Piers Morgan commenting about the woman formerly known as Meghan Markle yet swerving the Duke of York’s failure to report to the FBI for questioning, the social media outlet’s users then turned on his one-time ‘bestie’ Ghislaine Maxwell after her lawyer blubbed about her hair falling out and her being forced to do a bit of hard labour with a broomstick.


Reporting on the matter, the New York Post quoted a letter from Bobbi Sternheim, a lawyer for the mucky madam and heiress to the disgrace that was Robert Maxwell. It read:


“Ms. Maxwell continues to be at the mercy of a revolving group of security officers who are used to guarding hundreds of inmates but now focus their undivided attention exclusively on one respectful, middle-aged female pretrial detainee.”


“Recently, out of view of the security camera, Ms. Maxwell was placed in her isolation cell and physically abused during a pat down search.”


“When she asked that the camera be used to capture the occurrence, a guard replied ‘no.’”


“When Ms. Maxwell recoiled in pain and when she said she would report the mistreatment, she was threatened with disciplinary action.”


“She is withering to a shell of her former self – losing weight, losing hair, and losing her ability to concentrate.”


“Having been incarcerated in de facto solitary confinement for 225 days and monitored by two to six guards 24 hours a day with a handheld camera dedicated to capturing her every move, except when it would record improper conduct on the part of the guards, it is not surprising that Ms. Maxwell feels she is detained under the control of the Bureau of ‘Pretrial Punishment.’”


Other complaints made on behalf of Maxwell, the DailyMail.com later reported, have included that she has “been deprived of sleep and given inedible food.” They added: “Sternheim went on to claim that surveillance of her client is so strict that ‘guards forbid’ Maxwell from standing in certain areas of her six-foot-by-nine-foot cell, including telling her not to stand to the left or right over her toilet.”


Supposedly also, Maxwell “has never received a properly heated meal,” been forced to drink “odorous tap water” and jail staff microwave her food “in a container that is not meant for use in a microwave.” Sternheim added: “Ms. Maxwell’s food either does not defrost the food or disintegrates it and melts the plastic container, rendering the food inedible.”


Diddums, Ghislaine. What will this wicked witch want next (aside from a desk, more computers and Krug on tap)? A visit from the Pointless Celebrities crimper Nicky Clarke OBE?


Pictured top: Heir-to-robber-baron Robert Maxwell pictured with his then-with-plenty-of-hair daughter Ghislaine Maxwell (left); now heir-to-nowt Prince Andrew guffawing whilst in the company of toady ‘Telegraph’ typist Camilla Tominey.


Heirless – Hair Horror – Ghislaine Maxwell has sported many different hairstyles over the years. Now, apparently, like the witch she has certainly become, it’s all falling out.
Heirless – Hair Horror – A snap of Jeffrey Epstein together with Prince Andrew walking next to signage reading ‘Together’ in 2010 (left); their mutual ‘bestie’ is currently incarcerated in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn.
Heirless – Hair Horror – Amongst the mockery circulating on Twitter about Prince Andrew recently has been a diagram describing what’s been “useless since Fergie left” (Prince Andrew numbers alongside Man United and the Black Eyed Peas) and a captioned photograph of Prince Charles and Her Majesty The Queen supposedly watching ‘The Crown.’ It is accompanied by a speech bubble reading: “Fast forward to the bit where Andrew goes to jail.”
Matthew Steeples
A graduate of the London School of Economics, Matthew Steeples is a writer and marketing consultant. He conceived The Steeple Times as a media arena to fill the void between the Mail Online, The Huffington Post and such organs as the New York Social Diary in 2012.


  1. Well Bobby Sternheim sounds like he’s on drugs, he describes Maxwell as a, Respectful, middle aged Female pretrial Detainee, give me a break. He also says that security officers who are used to guarding hundreds of inmates, but now only focus their undivided attention on her.
    Also, according to Sternheim, Maxwell has never received a proper meal, has been deprived of sleep, made to drink Odorous tap water, and has her microwaved food in a melted plastic container? All this information has obviously come from Maxwell who couldn’t possibly tell a lie, could she?
    When she complains about being incarcerated in De facto Solitary confinement, if she had any sense, she wouldn’t complain about that, she is obviously kept away from other inmates for her own protection. It’s pretty well known amongst the prison population, nobody likes child molesters or rock spiders, as their referred too, even if you are a female.
    She is an evil bitch, and deserves everything she gets, I just hope her smart ass lawyers don’t get her off on some stupid technicality.


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