An alphabet of fabulous names

An alphabet of fabulous names

Matthew Steeples makes a selection of people with the most wacky and unusual names on the planet including petrol seller Dick Assman and debt administrator Filet Minyon

 

Some people are given names that are bland; others are burdened with ones that are simply embarrassing. Whilst some are forced to abandon exotic and ridiculous monikers, the twenty-six we chronicle here must definitely embrace their names with gay abandon:

 

A – Dick Assman

David Letterman discovered “Assman the Gasman” in 1995 and in the time since this Petro-Canada employee became “an international celebrity”. What on earth could have fueled this?

 

B – Boaty Boatwright

Featured previously on The Steeple Times roll call of influence, casting and director Boaty Boatwright’s parents plainly loved sailing. Michael Caine once described her Sunday lunch parties as “most interesting”.

 

C – Charisma Carpenter

Named after an Avon perfume, actress Charisma Carpenter has 204,000 followers on Twitter. She hated the abuse she received as a child that resulted from what her parents had called her.

 

D – Drummond Money Coutts

Magician Drummond Money-Coutts’ name literally combines the names of two banking houses and a bit of money in the middle. He goes by the nickname ‘DMC’.

 

E – Eusebius McKaiser

With a Christian name that means “honourable”, Eusebius McKaiser is the author of the equally bizarrely titled A Bantu in My Bathroom. He is plainly very popular and has 121,000 followers on Twitter.

 

F – Filet Minyon

Atlanta based Filet Minyon plainly avoids expensive steaks. She works at a company named Mission Possible – which offers “debt free living” – and previously was an administrator in the United States Air Force.

 

G – Gage Golightly

An American actress, Gage Golightly would be expected to gage things carefully and tread lightly. She has 4,400 followers on Twitter.

 

H – Destinee Hooker

A 6’4” American indoor volleyball player, Destinee Hooker was born in Frankfurt, Germany and resides in San Antonio, Texas. She has over 30,000 followers on Twitter and would most definitely prove popular in London’s Shepherd Market.

 

I – Ilyena Lydia Vasilievna Mironov

This could part of a cover for a female Russian spy but Ilyena Lydia Vasilievna Mironov is, in fact, the original name of the actress Dame Helen Mirren (Hackford) DBE.

 

J – Jimmy James

More common than one would imagine, the name Jimmy James has variously been adopted by a singer (born Michael James, pictured), a wannabe Conservative politician (born James James) and a comedian (born James Casey).

 

K – Knut Kloster

His name sounds like a brand of breakfast cereal, but Knut Kloster is in fact a Norwegian shipping magnate. He was also involved in the launch of the ridiculously named apartment cruise boat, The World.

 

L – Lauren Bush Lauren

Merging a name connected to the most hated President of the United States of America and the most loved purveyor of faux preppy tat in the world can’t have been easy. Somehow Lauren (Bush) Lauren managed it and she now has 63,000 followers on Instagram.

 

M – Margo Manhattan

Almost certainly the most fabulously named jeweller in the world, Margo Manhattan hangs out in the very ‘hood that she shares her moniker with. How cool is that?

 

N – Li Na

It wasn’t a “no” when she won the 2011 French Open. This tennis player has become one of the “most marketable Asian athletes in the world” despite her rather silly sounding name.

 

O – Oscar Wilde

This author, poet and playwright lived a life that was as wild as his works. Oscar Wilde will forever be remembered as one of the most brilliant minds ever to have lived.

 

P – Jurassic Park

In 1993, someone liked the movie Jurassic Park so much that they named their son in its honour. The school days of this child were surely fun.

 

Q – Quentin Crisp

If you are going to be a raconteur, you’ve got to have a suitably exotic name and Quentin Crisp certainly fulfilled that on all levels. Despite having been a rent boy, Crisp loathed gay liberation and he also had little time for Diana, Princess of Wales.

 

R – Professor Joëlle Rollo-Koster

An expert in “the history of the medieval papacy, death and memorialization, immigration, women and historical  anthropology”, University of Rhode Island based Joëlle Rollo-Koster has most probably also had to endure plenty of jokes about roller-coasters.

 

S –Saint West

When Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced that their child would be named Saint West in December 2015, a Canadian rapper of the same name (pictured) announced his retirement. He remarked: “Hi I’m Lindon [McIntyre], also known as Saint West. I’d like to announce my official retirement from hip-hop. Congratulations Kanye and Kim, thank you for choosing such a beautiful name. Saint West, may God smile on you. I’ll always be cheering for you. And try to avoid becoming a rapper”.

 

T – Tahra Dactyl

A political activist and supporter of Canada’s NDP, Tahra Dactyl hopefully isn’t as scary as the dinosaur she was plainly named after. She was photographed waving a feather boa and cheering election results at the Toronto Convention Centre in May 2011 and surprisingly has just 114 followers on Twitter.

 

U – Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K.

Evelyn and Kendall, the parents of this child born on 15th February 2003, are said to have named this poor boy after the illicit drug ketamine. Plainly they did so whilst high.

 

V – Viv Vance

Born plain old Vivian Jones, actress Vivian Vance wanted to add a bit of va va vroom to her life and thus chose to change her surname so it also started with a ‘v’ and shortened her Christian name to ‘Viv. She is said to have been “nothing but a rebel”.

 

W – Wendy Wacko

Wendy Wacko is a “community realtor” with the firm Royale LePage in Calgary. Hopefully the deals she does are slightly more sane than her surname.

 

X – Xzibit

He isn’t on display in a museum but Xzibit, in fact, is a rapper and the presenter of MTV’s Pimp My Ride. His real name is a little blander and his bank account statements are simply addressed to Alvin N. Joiner.

 

Y – Sue Yoo

A legal litany, Sue H. Yoo is said to be an associate at a legal practice named Sullivan & Cromwell LLP in New York. Take her on at your peril.

 

Z – Zsa Zsa Gabor

This actress – and starlet of We’re Not Married! – has married nine times. Her name is as exotic as her list of honeymoon destinations.

 

 

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