Saturday, June 19, 2021
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TIPPLE & FARE

Far From The Madding Crowd (But Well-Near The Whisky)

Detached cottage in nearly an acre of land, far from the madding crowd and 5 miles from the nearest village in Sutherland, Scotland for sale for just £95,000; it’s perfect for an isolationist whisky lover.

A Sorry Shelf Saga

Northamptonshire Tesco shopper gets into a tizzy over shelf movements and furiously compares matter to wartime.

Pensioners’ Portion Palaver 2021

Angry magnifying glass carrying pensioner Tony Crook complains about “pensioners’ portions” of fish and chips being “obnoxious” in Barnard Castle – the land of Dominic Cummings’ famous eye test outing in 2020.

Heroes of the Hour 2021 – Bill and Cath Mullarkey

Bill and Cath Mullarkey are using their EuroMillions winnings to to feed homeless people in the COVID-19 lockdown.

The Point of a Pub

Matthew Steeples joins those saying: “I wish I was in the pub” and lauds the ‘Guardian’ for suggesting: “Pubs are part of Britain’s fabric. Why are they not being properly helped?”

Heroine of the Hour 2021 – Anita Rani

Anita Rani arrives as a BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’ morning show presenter and announces: “If you’ve had enough, pour yourself a G&T, you have my permission.”

A Chelsea Essential

Management of Fulham Road Italian The Chelsea Corner share their anger at the British government with protest posters against Lockup 3.0 and restaurants being branded “non-essential.”

Dry January 2021 CANCELLED

At a time of lockup lunacy in early 2021, the last thing we need is the marketing nonsense that is ‘Dry January’ forced upon us; instead, celebrate #DryGinuary.

Pampered Peers Prattle About Avocados

Avocados and a “lack of British chefs in the kitchens” get the goat of out-of-touch British peers just as Norman Fowler calls for their numbers to be cut.

Oysters Ahoy!

Native oysters bizarrely reappear in Belfast Lough after 100 years of absence without any human intervention.

Dining With The Dopey Dorks

Prince Andrew and his daughter’s dining habits – and the tall tales about did-he-or-didn’t-he go to Pizza Express (Woking branch) – get this dopey dork-like pair into hot water yet again.

The (Loss) of Ludicrous Lord’s

EXCLUSIVE – Matthew Steeples reports on coronavirus and the lack of Arabic arrivals killing off Knightsbridge’s most expensive ‘convenience’ store, Lord’s Food & Wine of Brompton Road, SW3.

Pintless, Pointless & Pathetic

The government’s decision to ban people from further drinking after they’ve finished a “substantial meal” is pointless and pathetic.

Moron of the Moment – Gordon Ramsay

That Gordon Ramsay thinks it acceptable to start selling burgers at £80 a pop at a time of economic meltdown confirms him as a cretin.

The Best Gastrowagon By Far

Land Rover converted into a ‘gastrowagon’ for television chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s first television series heads to auction.

A Pintless Policy

Matthew Steeples slams ‘Bosie The Clown’s’ pub destroying lockdown; 7 out of 10 pubs are likely to close as a result and the nation will be left pintless.

Reader Offer – Gilpin’s Gin

‘The Steeple Times’ offers readers an extra special discount on the extra dry, extra sophisticated Gilpin’s Gin during Lockdown 2.0.

Fergie’s Banger Clanger

As the anniversary of Prince Andrew’s car crash interview approaches, Sarah Ferguson pulls another clanger and bangs on about sausages in a feature for ‘The Sun.’

Word of the Week – Coronacoaster

As we face the next lockup-lockdown, a new word that will come to greater prominence is “coronacoaster” – ride it at your peril and instead try out our gin suggestions.

Bog Off Bungling Boris

Matthew Steeples suggests now is time for bungling Boris Johnson to quit; he is not in control and he has no coordinated plan for Brexit or coronavirus.

Starve a Kid to Save a Quid

‘Starve a Kid to Save a Quid’ goes viral in the wake of the government’s disastrous attempt to starve poor school kids whilst Tory MPs deservedly get banned from shops and restaurants.

Anth’ Swings Back to Flakegate

Anthea Turner swings into an interview with ‘The Sun’ and shares that she had therapy over her tacky ‘Flakegate’ wedding photos.

Stand Up Against Snitch O’Flock

Matthew Steeples condemns the government’s ludicrous new 10pm bar, pub and restaurant curfew and slams the snitch culture of the next likely lockdown.

Phillip Schofield – What a Plonker!

All-round plonker Phillip Schofield’s wine range condemned as “only fit for the bin” and “no more palatable than fizzy Ribena;” it looks like his “sh*tty offering” might go the same way as that sold by Sir Cliff Richard.

Magnificent Madeleine

Matthew Steeples suggests the utterly charming Chez Madeleine as the best place for seafood in Saint Tropez, France.

Bow Wine Vaults Back

Acclaimed restaurateur Philip Lawless to reopen Square Mile institution and haunt of city financiers the Bow Wine Vaults on Monday.

Hapless Hancock gets a Right Royal Brenda-ering

Restaurant critic Tom Parker-Bowles does a ‘Brenda from Bristol’ in suggesting Health Secretary Matt Hancock’s telly box appearances “drive him mad” whilst chatting to William Sitwell on his Instagram TV show ‘Biting Talk’

Ask Charlie – Rhubarb & Ginger Gin

Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her recipe for Rhubarb & Ginger Gin; here is a recipe that everyone will enjoy making.

Gone Fishers Gin-ing!

Matthew Steeples visits Aldeburgh in Suffolk to learn the story of a business finding success in lockdown – he discovers Fishers Gin.

Beer is Very Good For You

Dutch scientist Professor Eric Claassen confirms a beer a day “would be very good for you” and suggests drinking such protects against insomnia, dementia and obesity.

A Magnum Muckup

Unilever ludicrously forced to “urgently” recall Magnum ice cream because it contains MILK. Health and safety busybodies at their finest.

Hero of the Hour – Adrian Chiles

BBC presenter Adrian Chiles’s delight in the simple pleasures of a pint in a park during lockdown reflects how so many feel.

More Matters Marmalade – Part V

More Matters Marmalade – Part V – Guardian readers on marmalade – Letter penning ‘Guardian’ readers return to their favourite subject – marmalade. This time marmalade and tights.

Hero of the Hour – Liam Gallagher

Rocker Liam Gallagher speaks the most sense on how to survive the coronavirus lockdown in thanking alcohol Rock stars aren’t meant to drink kale juice and herbal tea. That’s a fact, but in an interview...

Pandemic Pun

Prolific party pest David Pun spotted wandering in Waterloo having a coronavirus canapé crisis Spare a thought for David Pun, a deviant, degenerate door list dodger who has most certainly lost out more than most...

Lockdown The Gin

With neighbours putting gin and tonics on each other’s doorsteps during the COVID-19 lockdown, we select the most amusing quotes about this fine spirit In a letter, published in The Telegraph on Tuesday, one Madeline...

Ask Charlie – Lockdown Afternoon Tea

Charlie Gray of ‘Ask Charlie’ shares her thoughts how to perfect a lockdown afternoon tea and her recipe for lavender scones During these extraordinary times, I have gone back to one of my favourite pleasures...

The Ever So Dry Land of No Milk & No Honey

Jonathan Downey, owner of London’s Milk & Honey bar, takes to social media to share news he won’t be reopening without a rent holiday; it is likely he is set to head a wave...

Boozed-Up Barrymore Boobs

As out of his skull Michael Barrymore yet again makes an utter prat of himself on Instagram, we remind him to stop “destroying” games and instead help get justice for Stuart Lubbock, the man...

Not Such A Lucky Strike

Coronavirus has proved a double blow to restaurateur Keith McNally: First he got the virus himself and now his original restaurant has closed permanently due to it Currently recovering from coronavirus himself, restaurateur Keith McNally...

Churchillian Boisdale

Boisdale prepares for celebration of ‘Victory Over CV19’ with the launch of fourteen ‘war bonds’ to be redeemed when gastronomes can again gather   With outposts in Belgravia, Bishopsgate, Canary Wharf and Mayfair, Boisdale is...

Positivity From Pleurat

Refugee turned “one-man vodka band” Pleurat Shabani shares a message of positivity (and a reminder that we’ll all be having a martini or three together again soon) Having escaped the civil war in Croatia, Kosovo...

Simplifying Sunday Lunch (in Chelsea)

Chelsea favourite No. Fifty Cheyne is now offering its Sunday lunch menu “in the comfort of your own home… with only very little further cooking needed” For those stranded in Chelsea and its environs during...

Preserved by Marmalade

Nonagenarian from Stockport beats coronavirus by eating marmalade sandwiches; she’s previously survived a bomb and likes biscuits also Like Guardian readers, we at The Steeple Times love marmalade and we especially enjoy marmalade with lots...

More Matters Marmalade – Part IV

As some ‘Guardian’ readers attempt to move on from marmalade, others demand the “marmalade saga” is allowed to continue on the letters pages Readers of the Guardian have been banging on about marmalade now for...

Riccardo’s Responds

Riccardo’s restaurant in Chelsea leads the way in showing community mindedness during the coronavirus outbreak Across the land small businesses are doing their bit for their communities and a case in point in Chelsea comes...

Hero of the Hour – Anonymous Fish & Chip Donor

Good Samaritan paying for villagers of Denchworth, Oxfordshire to have fish and chips once per week during the coronavirus lockdown deserves to be saluted For the next three months every Friday, the 171 residents of...

More Matters Marmalade – Part III

‘Guardian’ readers continue their debate about marmalade (and reference how they’re interacting with it during coronavirus) In Tuesday’s letter pages in the Guardian, one Catriona Todd penned a missive about the marmalade she’s been creating...